His Muse

by Twyla Turner

  “Thank you. I had great inspiration.” He smiles at me.

  I see love and sadness in his eyes as he gazes at me. He knows. He finally understands. This…she is what I’ve been keeping secret from him for the past week.

  “Hey.” I turn to Raquel and Tiffani. “Why don’t we go hunt down a waiter and get some drinks?”

  “Sounds like a plan to me,” Tiffani says.

  We leave Etienne and Vanessa alone in search of much-needed booze to get through the evening.

  “Are you okay?” Raquel asks as I drain an entire glass of champagne, place the empty glass on the tray the waiter is holding, and pick up another.

  “No,” my voice trembles. “But it’s what needs to happen.”

  I turn and look at the pair across the room as they talk animatedly with each other. They are completely absorbed in one another. It’s perfect and terrible.

  I turn away and breathe deeply. I walk over to a painting of myself walking down the sandy beach, barefoot and happy. The painting next to it is of me looking sadly out of a window at the dusk beyond. The night I first broke it off with Etienne. The two paintings couldn’t be closer to how I currently feel if I tried.

  I stay for an hour or two. Chatting with my group of friends. But my eyes can’t stop from drifting over to Etienne and Vanessa who have forgotten everything around them. They laugh together and smile shyly at each other. Their faces, full of surprise and wonder. Probably at the realization that they have so much in common. How well their personalities blend and complement each other.

  It is what I wanted for more than a year. And it is more than I can bear. My job is done, and now I can witness no more.

  “I think I’m gonna head out,” I tell the group.

  I look away from Raquel and Tiffani. The sympathy in their eyes nearly sends me to my knees.

  “Call me tomorrow?” Raquel asks.

  “Maybe.” My voice rasps.

  She reaches for my hand and squeezes it hard. I take a deep, shuddering breath in preparation for the hardest part. Saying goodbye.

  I walk over to Etienne and Vanessa like it’s the walk to my execution. I stop in front of them, but it takes a moment for them to realize I’m here. Etienne senses me and stops what he was saying about his children’s art class. His expressive eyes fill with shame as he realizes that he’d forgotten about me. Vanessa, having no idea of the turmoil going on between us, turns to me with a huge smile.

  “Hey, guys. I’m gonna get out of here. I think the champagne went straight to my head and gave me a headache.” I use the same excuse I used two years ago after I first met Etienne.

  The look on his face shows that he remembers.

  “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, Taryn. But thank you so much for inviting me here,” she says as she glances at Etienne.

  I can read between the lines. “Thank you for introducing me to this amazing man.”

  I hug her goodbye, knowing I have no intentions of seeing her again if I can help it. She is an incredible person, but there’s no way that I can sit and chat with her about her amazing life with the love of my life.

  “Take care of him,” I whisper in her ear.

  She pulls back and looks at me curiously. But she doesn’t say anything. She only nods.

  I take Etienne’s hand and squeeze it tightly. Silently reassuring him that it’s okay. That I’m giving my blessing.

  I can’t bring my myself to say goodbye to him. The word is stuck in my throat, lodged under the knot that’s made a home there since I met Vanessa. Instead, I turn and walk away.

  With each step forward, I move as quickly as possible until I find my feet running. I push through the doors and out into the night. The sky has finally opened up, and I run into a complete downpour. I’m soaked through within seconds.

  I don’t see any taxis, and even if I did, I’d probably still start walking in the direction of my home. I only get a few feet before a voice stops me in my tracks.

  “Taryn, wait!”

  I turn to find Etienne running towards me. I’m glad for the rain. The drops camouflage my tears.

  He stops in front of me, rain streaming down his face as his chest rises and falls rapidly.

  “Taryn…” He lets my name hang in the air. The words he wants to say sticking in his throat.

  “What, Etienne?” I raise my hands and let them fall back down. “What is there left to say?”

  “D-Do not go. Don’t leave me.” His voice is gruff and thick. His hands reach out for me, but he thinks better of it and lets them drop back to his sides.

  His voice hints that if it weren’t raining, I’d see tears streaming down his face as well.

  “Go, Etienne. B-Be happy.” My voice breaks, giving me away. “Live the life you want. The life you were meant to have.”

  “And you? What will you do?”

  “I’ll figure it out. I always have.”

  “So, you can really just walk away? Give me to another woman?”

  “I’m a mother.” I breathe heavily and slouch with the weight of sorrow on my shoulders. “To be a mother is to be selfless. To think of others. To put others needs above our own. It’s what we do.” I step towards him and lay my hand against the side of his face. “And when you become a father, you’ll understand. You’ll learn that what is best for you, is not always what is best for the most important people in your life. For the people, you love the most.

  “But I meant what I said last night. I will love you forever.” My chin trembles.

  “And I, you. Always. No matter what.”

  He finally grasps my face and pulls me towards him. His lips descend on mine, and a sob rips through my throat. The kiss is hard and painful and lasts only for a moment. And just as quickly as it started, it ends.

  Etienne releases me, turns, and strides quickly away. I can barely see his retreating back through my tears and the rain.

  But I feel it. The loss.

  ~~~

  I walk into my flat looking and feeling like a drowned rat. Never has my home felt so empty as it does right now. Not even when Kari went away to college. At least then she still loved me and thought the world of me as most children do of their mothers. But I ruined that for the love of a man I couldn’t possibly keep.

  Now, I’m broken-hearted twice over. No daughter and no lover. The only family I had.

  The weight of my heavy heart makes my feet feel like ten-ton bricks as I walk to my bathroom. The smack of my saturated dress fills the small tiled room as it falls to the floor. I strip out of my bra and panties, and turn on the hot water in my shower and step inside. I let the water run over me, trying to get warm. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be warm again.

  I sink into the tub and let my tears take over me. I don’t try to stifle my sobs or the shakes that wrack my body. Everything in me feels broken. And it hurts so goddamn bad.

  The tears eventually subside, and I pull myself out of the tub to dry off. I slip on a t-shirt and cotton shorts and fall into bed. The scent of a man and me and sex floats around me. It’s like a knife to the heart. I sit up and look down at the place where he slept just last night. A single strand of golden brown wavy hair adorns the pillow. His DNA marking my safe space. A reminder of what I had only yesterday.

  I didn’t think it was possible, but more tears find their way to the surface from what I thought was a well run dry. I quickly jump off the bed. My fingers claw frantically at the sheets as I wail in agony. I rip the pillows from their cases. I gather the sex-saturated linens in my arms and storm into the kitchen. I lift the lid to the garbage can and shove them inside.

  I drag myself over to the couch and pull the throw down over me, opting to sleep on the couch instead. I can’t sleep in my bed of love and memories with the painting he’d done for my birthday over a year ago hanging there taunting me. I fall asleep to the sounds of my own hiccups.

  ~~~

  “I knew then, as I fell asleep, that my life would never be the same again
. I would never love the same again. I hadn’t fully drowned in enough despair to become completely pessimistic. I knew that there was a possibility that I would love again. But I knew…I know that I would never love anyone as much as I love him. My young lover. My Etienne.”

  Kari pulls out the tenth tissue in about as many minutes to wipe her eyes. They’re starting to feel raw. She’s sure it’s nothing compared to the tears her mother must have wept at the time.

  Her mother had been right about mothers being selfless. Taryn had loved him with every fiber of her being. If her mother had been honest with herself, she had fallen for him before Kari ever came to visit. And yet, she’d been willing to give him up in order to make her ungrateful daughter happy. And in the end, she gave him up so that he could have the family he’d dreamed of. Her mother was the most selfless person she’d ever known.

  Kari’s phone rings with an incoming call. It’s her soon-to-be ex, Mark. A man she’d chosen because he’d resembled her mother’s lover with her father’s temperament and drive. Always attempting to follow the footsteps of a mother she’d said she hated. In reality, she loves her mother more than she ever realized. All she ever wanted was to be like her. She admires Taryn, but she’d let that admiration turn to jealousy because of a man who was never and would never be hers.

  With a sigh, Kari answers her phone before it goes to voicemail.

  “Hello, Mark. What do you want?”

  “You know what I want.” His voice is already hostile. “When are you going to sign the papers.”

  Kari looks down at the manila envelope that has been taunting her all week. It no longer fills her with anger or sadness. All she feels is an overwhelming sense of peace.

  “I’ll have them to you by tomorrow.”

  “Uh…oh. Okay.” He sounds surprised. “You’re really not going to fight me on this?”

  “Nope. To be honest, I’ve realized that I’m really happy it’s over.”

  Just like her mom had said, Kari’s having a mid-life awakening. And gaining strength from her mother’s story.

  “No need to be nasty about it.”

  She must have hurt his feelings. His fragile ego wounded because she isn’t pining away for him.

  “I’m not being nasty. I’m being truthful. You’ve moved on. Hell, you moved on before our relationship even ended. Why does it bother you that I’ve done the same?”

  “It doesn’t,” he says petulantly.

  “Whatever, Mark. I’m not going to have a war of words with you. I’ve got things to do.” And she has plans to make. “You’ll have the papers tomorrow. Enjoy your life.”

  The other line clicks without so much as a ‘goodbye’ from her husband. She couldn’t care less. She really does have plans to make. She opens her laptop, types in the website she needed, and books a one-way ticket to France.

  Satisfied, she presses play to find out the end of her mother’s story. She leans back as her mother begins to speak. Hopeful for her life and that of her mother’s life, post-Etienne.

  Chapter 27

  “How are you holding up?” Tiffani asks when I settle onto the chair on Raquel’s rooftop terrace.

  “Oui, how are you, ma chére?” Raquel looks at me with concern.

  I don’t blame them. I haven’t ventured very far from my flat for a full month. I let my assistant handle the first two tours of the season. I couldn’t handle seeing anyone, especially Etienne or Vanessa. Or even worse, Etienne and Vanessa together. I’m not ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.

  “I’m as good as to be expected. I’m sure I look it too.”

  “Uh…you do look a little out of sorts.” Raquel’s diplomatic way of saying, “You look like shit.”

  I’ve gained weight from eating comfort food on the couch and not going much further than from the couch to the kitchen. My hair is a mop of messy curls that are in desperate need of a trim. The skin around my eyes resembles a raccoon’s and red-rimmed from lack of sleep and an endless supply of tears. And today was the first time I’d showered in longer than I can remember. So at least I don’t smell bad around good company. Although, I didn’t go much further than dressing in sweatpants and an old t-shirt. It’s best to hide the months’ worth of hair growth on my legs and under my arms.

  Before our conversation goes any further, I decide to address the elephant in the room.

  “So…h-how are they?”

  Vanessa has called me several times, but I let the calls go to message every time. I know that Raquel has probably talked to both of them, seeing as how Etienne’s paintings are sold through her and Vanessa is an aspiring artist. Besides, it’s not like I told Raquel that she had to stop talking to them. I don’t want that.

  “They…” Raquel takes a deep breath and pushes on. “They’re doing good. They’re happy.”

  “Good.” I nod resolutely.

  “They ask about you. Etienne told Van what you did for them. They worry about you.” Raquel squeezes my hand.

  “Tell them I’m fine. They don’t need to know I’m a wreck.”

  “Ryn, I can’t tell you how much I’m in awe of you,” Tiffani says. “No one I’ve ever met would do what you did.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure I look like an idiot.”

  “Not even close!” Tiffani shakes her head. “You’re my damn hero.”

  “Ha!” I laugh humorlessly. “I certainly don’t feel like one.”

  I swipe angrily at my eyes. They’re always betraying me by showing just how devastated I am. An idea has been floating around my mind all month, and I think it’s time to put it into motion.

  “Raquel, I need your help.”

  “Oh no, the last time you said that I didn’t like your plan. And by the look on your face, I have a feeling I will not like this one either.”

  “I need help subletting my flat. I can’t stay here and run the risk of bumping into them. I just can’t. I was thinking of renting a place in Cannes and using the money I get from rent here to rent the place there. With your real estate expertise and the friends you have all over, I figured you could help me find someone to rent my place and a place for me to rent there.” I finish without looking at them, focusing more on nibbling my lunch.

  “You really want to move away from us?” Tiffani frowns.

  “I don’t want to move away from you guys. I’m just not in the right state of mind to stay here right now.”

  “Whatever you need, Ryn. I will make some phone calls,” Raquel concedes sadly.

  “Thanks, Raquel. I really appreciate it.”

  ~~~

  It only takes Raquel two weeks to set my plan into motion. Since most places to rent and buy come fully furnished in Europe, it doesn’t take much to uproot my life. All I need to do is pack up my clothes and personal items, and I’m ready.

  None too soon either. Days before I’m set to move, I decide to finally venture out of my place for much-needed sunshine and to enjoy lunch at my favorite café one last time. The same café where Etienne offered to paint me.

  I gaze without really seeing the vendors selling their wares and the people strolling by. Tourists and residents intermingled. A beautiful couple wanders by through the crowd, pulling me out of my reverie. They walk hand in hand, chatting happily. He leans down to kiss her lips as his paint-stained hand caresses her cheek.

  “Que puis-je obtenir pour vous, mademoiselle?” The waiter asks. What can I get for you, Miss?

  “Oh…uh, nothing. Excuse me.” I say around the boulder in my throat.

  I push past the waiter and run. I run as fast as my feet can carry me. Away from the scene of the brutal massacre of my bleeding and destroyed heart.

  ~~~

  I leave Nice, my beloved home of over two years with little fanfare. Raquel wanted to throw me a going away party, but I fought against it. So instead, Raquel and Tiffani come to my flat to see me off.

  “We are going to miss you so much, ma chérie.” Raquel kisses my cheeks and hugs me tight out front of my bu
ilding.

  “It won’t be the same without you, Ryn.” Tiffani pulls me into a hug after Raquel lets me go.

  “Ladies, I’m only forty minutes away. We’ll see each other.” I say it, although we know it won’t be as frequent as our almost daily lunches together.

  Days will probably turn into weeks and then months, each of us becoming busy with our own lives.

  “We’ll see you in a week or two for sure,” Tiffani says firmly.

  “It’s a deal.” I look at them with watery eyes. Always with the tears. “I love you ladies.”

  “And we love you,” Raquel says, equally teary-eyed.

  I get in the taxi filled with my luggage and a couple of boxes. I wave sadly at them as the car pulls away.

  I leave behind everything that has become familiar. Thankfully, the business I built is well taken care of. My assistant will take care of the tours in Nice and Monaco, while I’ll handle the rest when they come to Cannes and St. Tropez. It’s actually a better setup than before. And I’m ready for the distraction. I’m ready to heal. Or at the very least to feel numb. Numb sounds so much better than this constant ache I feel in my chest that has spread to my outer extremities.

  It’s time to move on… Again.

  Chapter 28

  Five years later…

  “Ryn, ma chérie.” Raquel kisses my cheeks as she and Tiffani join me at a table in one of our favorite restaurants in Cannes. “You have been looking exceptionally lovely the last few times we have seen you. You must tell us your secret.”

  Despite my previous thoughts on the subject, Raquel and Tiffani refused to lose contact with me over the years. They came to Cannes nearly every two weeks for lunch that often extended to dinner. I am incredibly grateful for them for making the trip, especially since I refused to meet them in Nice.