Broken Window

by Cross, Amy

  “Are you hungry?” I ask, turning to her and seeing that her eyes are finally open.

  Open and yellow, tinged with sickness. Bloodshot too.

  She tries to whisper something, but her lips are cracked and bloodied. All she manages is a faint gasp, but at the same time she grips my wrist even tighter. She is trying so desperately to say something, but the cancer will not let her.

  “Do you want water?” I ask, forcing a smile as I reach over and take a cup from the bedside table. Holding the cup to her mouth, I gently tip it until some water runs onto Catherine's lips.

  She keeps her mouth shut, however, and the water simply dribbles down onto the front of her nightgown.

  “Perhaps later,” I suggest, as I set the cup aside. “Catherine, my dear... I know you must be in a great deal of pain, and it's entirely possible that you feel as if this endeavor cannot succeed. But you must trust me, my darling, because I know that I am so very close to making a breakthrough. The tissue was wrong last time, but that does not mean the entire endeavor is in vain.” I pause, before leaning forward and gently kissing her sweaty, pale forehead. “One day soon, sooner than you can imagine, you shall be well again and -”

  “Kill me,” she gasps.

  I freeze.

  “Kill me,” she says again, her voice sounding a little harsher this time, yet also more urgent. “Charles, please...”

  Outside, a man shouts in the street, and there's the sound of a train rumbling past in the distance. It is as if the world out there is mocking our silence here in the room.

  “I know what went wrong the last time,” I say finally. “I was a fool, but as you know, I am breaking new ground with each and every procedure. I still believe the fundamental principle is -”

  “Kill me...”

  “I still believe the uterus to have a function in my work,” I continue, “but I now also believe that tissue from the kidneys might be useful. Catherine, I have studied the necrotic tissue extensively, and I have come to the conclusion that I was simply unlucky. The donor was unsuitable, her body was filthy and diseased, but another donor would have delivered very different results.”

  “Charles, please...”

  “The next one is going to be the charm,” I add, clutching her hands tight in an effort to give her a little more hope. “I know I have said that before, and you have every reason to doubt me, but I assure you that I know what I'm doing. I spent the morning reading some of my old notes and -”

  “Charles...”

  “The mistake was in the initial incision,” I explain, warming to my theme now as I realize that I understand where I went wrong. “Oh Catherine, once you're better and you have a little more stamina, I shall show you the whole thing. I shall talk you through it all from beginning to end. I know you'll find it fascinating once you're able to really follow the scientific process, but you mustn't worry yourself with such things right now. You need all your strength and -”

  Suddenly she lets out a horrifically pained, dry gasp, and at the same time she begins to sit up in the bed. As I place my hands on her trembling shoulders, she coughs up some pale yellow slime that brings a foul, rotten stench.

  “That's alright,” I tell her, struggling to get her to rest. “Stay on your back, my darling. You must -”

  She grabs my arm, and this time she squeezes tighter than ever.

  “Charles,” she gasps, with tears streaming down her face, “I'm begging you... Have mercy. It's my time. The pain is too much, I can't bear anymore. Please, just let me die.”

  “Your pain will end soon,” I reply, and this time I manage to settle her back down against the bed. It is as if that brief burst of energy has already faded. “I promise, my darling.”

  “No more treatment,” she whispers. “No more operations.”

  “The next procedure will make everything better.”

  “No, please...”

  “My darling, you must rest.”

  “No more procedures, Charles...”

  “You must rest and regain your strength!”

  I get to my feet and take a step back. The sight of my poor, dear Catherine sobbing and trembling like this is almost too much to take. Yet deep in my heart, I know that the next operation is the one that will save her. She just needs a little faith, and soon she'll be right as rain again. She always trusted in my work before. Now she must dig deep and trust me in her darkest hour.

  “Please,” she gasps. “Charles, won't you show mercy? Won't you let me go?”

  She stares at me for a moment, before closing her eyes and turning her face away. I think she is still sobbing, and I cannot imagine the pain she must be going through. It is natural for her to lose hope, but I shall prove her wrong. I shall save her and make her well again. I am the great Doctor Charles Grazier, and I can do this.

  “I must step out for a few hours,” I tell her. “I'm sorry, but it's essential. Before I go, I shall bring up some food for you. And then, while I am out, you can rest. You understand that your suffering is going to end soon, do you not?”

  I wait, but now she's simply whimpering as she continues to cry.

  “Catherine?”

  Again I wait, and again she does not answer.

  “Everything will be alright,” I continue, raising my voice to be heard over her sobs. “Wait and see, Catherine. Soon your pain will be gone, and you'll be your old self again. That, I promise.”

  Yet she does not answer.

  She merely weeps.

  Finally I turn and leave the room. Once I am out on the landing, I pull the door gently shut and then I take a moment's pause to regather my senses. It is always so awful to see Catherine like that, but I cannot hide from the truth. The last operation left her weaker than ever, and undoubtedly in more pain. I had thought that the operation was a guaranteed success, but now I see where I was wrong.

  The next operation is the one that will save her. Of that, I am certain.

  As I turn and head to the stairs, I can still hear Catherine's anguished, choked sobs coming from the bedroom. I do not blame her for fearing the worst, but soon she will be so much better. I just pray that she never has to know what I have done, and the lengths to which I am going, in order to save her life. I pray that she never asks where I find these fresh body parts.

  Chapter Three

  Maddie

  Today

  “Alex!” I shout, spotting her at last as I reach the top of the playground area. “Alex, wait!”

  She's with some guys, heading toward a van, but she doesn't seem to have heard me. She's just walking away.

  “Alex!” I shout again, waving at her before starting to run across the grass. “Alex, it's me!”

  Up ahead, Alex turns and finally sees me. I race toward her, finally stopping and leaning against a tree to get my breath back. I'm exhausted after running, but at the same time I feel such an incredible rush of relief. For a moment back there, I actually began to worry that I'd never find her.

  “I've been looking everywhere for you!” I gasp breathlessly, feeling a flash of pain in my chest. “Were you looking for me too? I've literally been everywhere I could think of!”

  “I've been busy,” she replies cautiously, and I can instantly hear a hint of detachment in her voice, as if something's wrong. “What have you been up to?”

  “I've been looking for you all over the place,” I explain. “I was in Mayer Street, I was all up around the back of the main park there, and down the street with all the Chinese restaurants. I looked in all the cafes, and all the places I thought you might be. I tried the park and the cafes and under the bridges and I was starting to think you'd just vanished! I couldn't decide whether it was better to stay in one place so that you'd be able to find me, or to keep racing around looking for you!”

  I wait for her to reply, but she's simply staring at me.

  “It's so good to see you!” I add finally, before stepping closer and giving her a big hug.

  I wait for her to hug me in ret
urn, but eventually I take a step back.

  “Why?” she asks finally.

  “Why what?” I ask, still a little breathless.

  “Why were you looking for me?”

  “Alex,” one of the guys says, leaning out of the van after climbing into the driver's seat, “are you coming or not?”

  She turns to him.

  “Give me a minute,” she says, before turning back to me. “Maddie, the squat got busted.”

  “I know,” I reply. “I got there just after. I saw the police going in and out, and there were already some people boarding up the doors and windows. I knew you'd made it out, though. I knew you wouldn't get dragged off.”

  “There's no going back there,” she says with a sigh. “It was good while it lasted. It was a nice place, but these things always end. Probably some rich asshole bought it and wants to do it up so they can rent it out for loadsa money. Happens all the time, all over the city. All over the country.”

  “Do you know somewhere else we can go?” I ask.

  I wait for a reply, but again she seems a little concerned. Skeptical, even.

  “Do you?” I continue. “Alex, have you already figured out a new -”

  “I'm going to Stratford,” she says suddenly.

  “Stratford?”

  She nods.

  I feel a flicker of concern in my chest.

  “Why Stratford?” I ask.

  She shrugs. “Dunno. 'Cause these guys are headed up there and they offered me a lift. Can't be any worse than where we've been lately. I figure I might as well give it a shot. There might be some money going.”

  “Sure, but...”

  My voice trails off, and after a moment I see several people watching me from the back of the van. They look all ready to go, and I can't help noticing that Alex hasn't invited me yet. She will, though. She has to. Alex and I always stick together, no matter what.

  “You gonna be alright, yeah?” she says after a moment, and finally she offers a flicker of a smile. “It's been a fun couple of months. I've taught you a lot. You were such a kid when we first met, but I've really toughened you up. I know you'll be just fine on your own, Maddie.”

  “On my own?”

  She gives me a playful punch on the shoulder.

  “I believe in you,” she adds. “You were a good student. And I was an excellent teacher. And these things never last forever, right?”

  “Sure,” I reply, and now I can feel tears welling behind my eyes. “I knew that.”

  “Just stick around the areas I've shown you,” she continues, “and you'll be well off. There are good people here. You don't need me anymore.”

  “How long are you going to Stratford for?” I ask.

  “Dunno. Forever, maybe. At least 'til I get some money together.”

  I swallow hard, still struggling to hold back the tears.

  “I'd ask you to tag along,” she continues, “but there's no room. There wasn't even room for me, to be honest, but they've managed to squeeze me in somehow. Sorry I was gonna split without saying goodbye, but it all came together real fast and I didn't know how to find you.” She pauses, before stepping closer and placing a hand on my arm. “I'm glad you showed up, though. It's nice to say bye.”

  “And you're really going?” I ask.

  She nods.

  I swallow again. There's a lump in my throat, but I'm determined not to let Alex see that I'm scared or upset.

  “Well, have fun,” I say, taking a step back. “I mean, I'm sure you will. I've never been to Stratford, but I've heard it's alright. I bet you'll be fine.”

  “Find yourself a roof for the night, okay?”

  “Don't worry about me,” I reply. “I can take care of myself.”

  “I'd take you along,” she continues, “but the guys -”

  “I don't want to go to Stratford anyway,” I tell her, “so I wouldn't agree. I've got things to do here.”

  That's sort of a half-truth. I certainly don't have any particular desire to go to Stratford, but at the same time I definitely don't want to be left here alone. I'd go if Alex offered, for sure. I'd jump into that van and I'd go with them, and I wouldn't even be scared. I'm never scared when I'm with Alex.

  “Where are you gonna sleep tonight?” she asks.

  “Don't worry, I'll find somewhere.”

  “Yeah? How?”

  “I'm not an idiot,” I reply, feeling a flicker of irritation. I just want to get out of here before I burst into tears. “You don't have to worry about me, Alex. I can look after myself. It's like you said, I learned a lot from you.”

  “Yeah, but -”

  “So have fun in Stratford. Seriously. Have a nice time.”

  With that, I turn and start walking away, heading across the grass. Still sniffing back tears, I at least feel relieved that I didn't break and blub in front of Alex and her new friends, although after a moment I have to wipe my nose against the sleeve of my coat. I know I shouldn't have started to depend on Alex so much, but she took me under her wing a little when I first ended up living on the streets, and I assumed we'd have a little longer together. Then again, maybe that's how things are out here. Maybe -

  “Maddie.”

  Startled, I turn and find that Alex has followed me across the grass.

  The van is still waiting, with its engine running now.

  I feel a rush of hope. Maybe she's going to ask me to go with them after all.

  “Where are you gonna sleep tonight?” she asks.

  The hope fades. “I'll find somewhere.”

  “Where?”

  “I don't know.”

  “How will you find it?”

  “I'll ask around.”

  She stares at me, and I can see the pity in her eyes.

  “I'm not a kid!” I say firmly, sniffing back tears that I know she must be able to see now. “I'm seventeen, remember? Like you said, I've gotten tougher while I've been hanging out with you.”

  “Yeah, but -”

  “I don't need you!” I say firmly, inadvertently clenching my fists.

  “Sure, I know you don't,” she says with a sigh. “The problem is, you're seventeen but you look even younger, and that's not good. If you go out there, letting people know you're all alone and asking for help, sooner or later...”

  She hesitates, and for a moment I actually start to wonder whether she'll promise to somehow squeeze me into that van. I swear, I'd accept.

  “Remember what I taught you,” she says finally, sounding a little reluctant. “Tell me the rules I told you in the beginning, Maddie. The rules about staying safe.”

  “I don't need your help,” I lie.

  “Tell me the rules.”

  “I remember them.”

  “Then tell me.”

  “No!” I blurt out, sounding angrier than I intended. “I don't need to!”

  “You're tougher than you think you are,” she replies. “I know you're probably, like, really scared right now. I'd take you with me if I could, but it's complicated. And Stratford isn't really that far away, so we'll probably bump into each other again. And by then, we'll both be on the up. I'm sorry we can't stick together, Maddie, but this is just how it's gotta be right now.”

  She puts a hand on my shoulder, but I pull away.

  “I'm trying to help you,” she continues.

  “I think your friends are waiting,” I reply, glancing past her and seeing that the others are still watching from the van. “Good luck with your new life in Stratford. I'm happy for you. Really, I am.”

  “Maybe I'll come back down some time,” she says. “I'll try to look you up.”

  “Yeah, I'll probably be back on my feet by then,” I tell her, wiping away more tears. “You were right, nothing lasts forever, not on the streets. Now get going to Stratford, and don't worry about me. I'll be absolutely fine.”

  She sighs. “Maddie...”

  I turn and walk away, although I can't help listening out for any hint that Alex is following me. Whe
n I finally get to the gate, I glance over my shoulder just in time to spot Alex climbing into the van. I loiter for a moment, with tears finally in my eyes, and I watch as the van reverses out of its spot and then drives away. I'm pleased for Alex, honestly I am, and I know I have no right to be annoyed that I wasn't invited.

  She simply got a better offer, and I don't blame her for going.

  And she really is going.

  Even as the van pulls away, I can't help thinking that she might have a last-minute change of heart, that the van might suddenly pull to a halt and Alex will rush out. And then she'll either yell at me to go with her after all, or she'll let the van go and she'll tell me she's decided to stay. Alex and I have been a really good team over the past few months. I needed her, and I thought she liked hanging out with me.

  Finally the van disappears from sight.

  Turning, I slip out through the gate and start heading back toward the river. I'm not sure where I'll sleep tonight, but I'll find somewhere, maybe in another park. I can already see some people under the next bridge along, and they'd probably let me hang out, but right now I want to be alone. In fact, I hurry behind some bushes and drop down onto my knees, and finally all the tears come rushing out.

  As I continue to sob, a train rattles across the bridge above me, taking more people into the city.

  Chapter Four

  Doctor Charles Grazier

  Saturday September 29th, 1888

  When did the world become so infernally loud?

  As I step out of my front door, I stop for a moment and look down toward the street. Gas lamps have been lit and darkness is beginning to fall, but still our once-quiet part of London is filled with people. People who, it seems, feel compelled to shout and yell their every word, bringing a cacophony that I am sure must drive us all a little madder each and every day. Tradesmen are the worst, shouting at one another from opposite ends of the street, yet it seems that even respectable gentlemen are starting to make more noise. And that is before one considers the carriages that race along all day and all night, or the sounds of distant factories, or the jabber of voices that seem to reflect every language other than Her Majesty's English. London has opened its gates too wide, and now our streets are full.