Eluding Nirvana (The Dark Evoke Series Book 2)

by Brock, V. L.

  “What?”

  I shook my head once more then redirected my observation to the people and buildings flying by outside my window. “Fuck it. I just want to go home, snuggle down, not answer questions, eat when I want to, or don’t want to, and just enjoy not having to be on a routine.”

  When I was told that there was going to be a problem with my daily preference, my blood instantly turned to ice, my heart ceased to beat in my chest. Instead, the throbbing came from my eardrums, spawning a compressed sensation in my head. “What do you mean?” I asked with a great deal of caution.

  He flashed a shrewd grin in my direction, his eyes glimmered with secret knowledge…a secret knowledge which I had great trepidation over. “I told you, it’s a surprise.”

  Once we took the first right turning bypassing Bricksdale Square, I was told to fetch the flight mask out of the glove compartment. My timid refusal was countered by Liam’s presentation of an evil, demanding sneer. I’d been out of Pinewood for less than forty-five minutes, Liam had already raised his voice once and in conjunction with that expression he was honing, I knew that fighting back would cause me to be more fearful, than doing what he instructed. So, I conceded, recovered the black satin flight mask, and put it into place, making sure my vision was completely absent.

  When the ignition was shut off, I was told, “Stay there, I’ll help you out now,” before hearing the sound of the driver side door slamming shut. It’s amazing how your other senses become more in tuned when one is removed. “Come on, baby.” Although his voice was at a normal octave, I still jolted at the loudness of it as he took my hand and aided me out of the car.

  Led down the inclined driveway, I felt the smooth and evenness of the sidewalk under my feet. Liam’s arms coiled around my middle from behind, while I heard a small jingle, which would probably have gone unnoticed, had my removed sense of sight been present.

  The air ousted at his murmuring over my shoulder, sent my body into a mass of goose bumps. “Okay, you can look now.”

  Butterflies in my stomach were attempting a not so stealthy mission to break free. No words could describe how distrusting I felt at that moment. I knew how downright brutal Liam could be when he wanted.

  Flight mask removed, I fluttered my lids while reacquainting myself with the bright light of day. “Oh my, God. Liam what is this?” I rasped. Stagnant, all I could do was study the black Audi SUV with a huge red ribbon planted on the roof, while Liam swung the keys in front of my face.

  “Surprise,” he sang merrily. All I could do was shake my head in disbelief, and silently wonder what price this car had come at, not in actual money terms, but in the sense of what truly matters. My sanity? My bruised ribs? A lifeless person who lives with a caged lion and is full of mistrust? “Do you like it?”

  “Do I like it? Liam, it’s an SUV. You didn’t have to do this.” Despite my words, I was hit by that boulder of reasoning. I knew exactly why he made this grand gesture. I could see it now. It was clear…so very, very clear. Just like the morning after he first set upon me, his attentiveness and generosity were evident just like they are now. He was feeling guilty, and this was his way of making it up to me.

  His way of redeeming himself, for lack of a better term.

  The approaching sound of slippers shuffling over the paving stones of the sidewalk was interrupted by a flamboyant calling of, “Coo-ee.” Internally I cringed at the shrill voice of our overemphasized, attention-grabbing neighbor.

  In unison, our concentrated focus upon the mammoth car parked along the sidewalk, veered towards Mrs. Steinbeck, who was rapidly advancing, her arms already opened, and her hefty chest swaying. “Kady, it’s fantastic to have you back with us. I’m so sorry for your loss.” Everything that woman said was conveyed with such an overdramatic air. God help you if she ran over your puppy, she’d manage to turn that news into some cheesy Chicago worthy production. I could actually imagine the jazz hands, too.

  She pulled me down to kiss me on the cheek and I stiffened. This was part of the reason I didn’t want to come home. If she knew I’d been carted off to Pinewood, I was sure the entire neighborhood and the ones adjacent knew, too.

  When she let me go, I nodded with a timid whisper of, “Thank you.”

  “If there is anything I can do for either of you, you know where I am. My door is always open for this block,”––she peeked down at the watch wrapped around her thickset wrist––“Oh my goodness, is that the time? I have to run or I’ll be late for the neighborhood meeting.” And she turned away, shuffled back along the walkway with a wave over her shoulder and calling back, “I mean it, my door is always open.”

  I couldn’t move. My body was like stone, my gaze distant as I stared blankly on the gray paving stones. “You told her? You know the entire block is already aware now that you’re sharing your life with a nut job?”

  Liam’s hands were set on my upper arms. My vision blurred as he twisted me around to face him. “I told her that you were in D.C. for your Nan’s funeral. I wouldn’t tell anyone what you did or where you had to go. I don’t want people to see you in a different light. It’s our secret. Okay?”

  Gratitude flowed thick and fast at his words. I loathed that my Nan’s funeral was used as a cover-up for my absence. However, keeping my stay at Pinewood under wraps was considered necessary.

  With a grin and a motioning of his head in the direction of the lavish car beside me, he returned to his previous topic with a muttering of, “And that’s not all, baby.” As his left hand opened, he waited patiently for me to accept his offering.

  It was when I lowered my gaze that had my legs turning into concrete, and my heart exploding.

  With a gentle finger, I reached out to trace the screaming red scar in the center of his palm. It was big, spanning from between his thumb and index finger, to the outside of his hand, right across his lifeline. Fault, shame and remorse flew from every direction of my body before clashing together and forming a world of indignity and regret in my chest. Tears threatened. “I’m so sorry, Liam.”

  “It’s okay, baby––” he soothed while tipping my head up with a gentle finger under my chin.

  “No, no, it’s far from okay; my behavior was far from acceptable. I don’t know how I can make this up to you.”

  “Just promise me one thing––”

  “Anything,” I gushed without disinclination, because that’s what he deserved. He maintained that right to ask anything of me, after what I’d done. I should be offering him the world as repayment for his injury, his endurance, and for the help he sought for me.

  “Just promise me you’ll take your medication. They wouldn’t have prescribed them if you didn’t need them, Kady.”

  I nodded willingly. This I knew. “I promise.”

  I had hoped that to some extent, I’d feel a level of relief when I stepped into the house, away from prying eyes and whisperings of compassion and sympathies. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The sound of clattering and humming coming from the kitchen had me unnerved and a thick form of dread flowed through my veins like honey. I didn’t want to be around people. Still, as being steered into the kitchen with a warm hand on the small of my back had revealed, I obviously didn’t have a choice in the matter.

  “Chick,” Liv shrieked then bounded toward me with her arms spread. I stood inert, allowing her to hug me with my arms flush against my sides before pulling away. “It’s so good to have you back. How are you feeling?”

  How was I feeling? Hmm…let me think about this one. Nope. No words in my vocabulary were expressive enough to describe how I truly felt. Rolling my lips over my teeth and rolling my eyes heavenward, I merely shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.

  “Well, here’s something that’ll cheer you up. Ready?” the lively tone in which she spoke, was enough incentive to hear her out with a small, tightlipped smile. “We are going for a picnic down at…” she held her finger in the air, and with a wide-eyed pose like she was about to reveal the b
onus ball on the State Lottery, added, “Castle Island.”

  “Castle Island, as in the beach?”

  “And you,”––Liam opened my hand and deposited the keys to my new, glossy black Audi SUV in the center––“are going to drive.”

  It was a sweet gesture, that I couldn’t deny, but the scowl in which was embedded into my profile was betraying how I truly felt. I didn’t want to go anywhere; I just got back from a sixteen day holiday in the metal house. I wanted to sit, relax, stuff myself with ice-cream and watch crap TV. I didn’t want to go to a beach, and I most certainly didn’t want to drive––new car or not.

  “I don’t know, I––”

  “Oh, come on, Kady, it’ll be fun. Catch some sun; you’re looking a little pasty.” The back of Liv’s hand splayed across my brow as though checking for a fever. Annoyed, I swatted her away with a disapproving cluck of my tongue and a full-on grimace.

  Well, I’m awfully fucking sorry for that, but let’s see if you come out with rosy red fucking cheeks after you’ve been where I was left.

  I held my tongue, breathing deep and slow to alleviate the ball of anger progressively forming in my body. I closed my eyes, and pushed my snappy words aside in a desperate bid not to free them.

  “All I want to do is––” drawn to a premature end was my statement as I was twisted around to face Liam, who was looming over me.

  “Kady, it will do you some good. You’ve been cooped up in that place for over two weeks. Stretch your legs, find your bearings again. A little bit of Vitamin D will do you some good; it’ll make you feel better.”

  I sighed and screwed my eyes shut. Why wasn’t anyone listening to me? Why was I getting treated like a child…again? Behind my closed lids, a familiar burning of salted moisture made itself known. “I just––”

  “Liv has gone to all this trouble of preparing a picnic and getting your beachwear ready, plus we have your pills if you need them.”

  Yes, that was a fantastic selling point.

  With loosened skin furrowing along my brow, my eyes remained firmly screwed, as I finally succumbed to peer-pressure and muttered one word under duress, “Fine.”

  Forty minutes in the SUV, the boats bobbing up and down along the waves as they came into shore were just visible along the horizon as we approached the parking lot of Castle Island. Beach and park in one, who could complain about that? Apparently, I could…secretly anyway.

  I dropped out from behind the wheel in my small denim shorts and my oversized black sweater which fell off my shoulder. The round markings stared back at me as I peeked down at my thighs. But I didn’t feel any shame. I’d come to accept that my method of releasing all my pent-up frustrations made me a stronger person, just as Walker had told me. I wasn’t ashamed of them anymore. They were a part of me. They were my story. A story of what I had been through, a story that told how I was delivered from those troubled times and a constant reminder that at some point in my life, I did have a form of control.

  Settling down on a blanket along the white sands of the shore, I was digging into a ham sandwich, when Liam stuck a devilled egg in front of my face, asking if I wanted a taste. My stomach contorted, my pulse began an unexpected race as the scent alone evoked that disturbing memory of a punishment which, although past, was brought back into the present. He let out a throaty chuckle barely audible over the crashing waves with his head tipped back, as he taunted me with that haunting recollection.

  Laughing at his secret misuse. It was kind of sadistic.

  When Liam pulled himself together, he glanced over at Liv and flashed her a smile, not a typical smile, but one that displayed a undisclosed awareness, almost intimate. I had to squeeze my eyes tightly and redirect my focus on my breathing, which was slowly but surely becoming erratic. Why was I so jealous?

  “Don’t tell me off, but I got another surprise for you.”

  More? It was becoming too damn much now. He must’ve a: really felt guilty, or b: whatever was going to ensue throughout the day was going to be horrific. Arms curled over his head to meet the neckline of his long-sleeved T-shirt that he’d changed into before we left the house. I came face to face with a large eagle tattoo on his left forearm and a Chinese symbol over his heart, when he whipped it off. “You know I’ve always wanted this one,” he motioned to the bird of prey on his arm before pointing to his left pectoral. “And I finally got your name done, Kady.”

  My eyes widened. After everything, he really had my name tattooed on his body? I had my own personal mark over his heart? The mere fact of such a permanent declaration physically warmed me from inside out. “My name?”

  Briskly nodding his response with a wide grin, all I could do was toss myself over the blanket, wrap my arms around his neck and lay a kiss on him that was more passionate, more feverish than what we had experienced in a while. It was as if the tide had come in and washed all the undesired, torturous memories out to sea.

  On that beach, it felt as though we were gifted with a new blank canvas. Although, I still couldn’t shift the tiny whispering of paranoia and foreboding in the back of my mind.

  Before I could register what was happening, Liv was giggling as I was wrapped up in muscular arms and hauled down to the splashing waves, the white foam settled on the wet sand as the water retreated.

  My feet sunk into the shore as soon as Liam set me down on my feet, the cool seawater washing over them, when we were out of earshot. “I’m sorry for everything, Kady,” he spoke in earnest, “I’m so, so sorry. I’m going to change, I promise. This is the start of a new beginning for us, if you’ll still have me.”

  Fisting my hand into his hair, my body rose up onto the balls of my feet as he slanted his lips over mine in a warm, loving kiss. “I can’t lose you, baby. Will you still have me?” he asked when his lips left mine, his forehead resting peacefully against my own.

  I had spent four years with this man, I couldn’t throw it away. I needed to give him this chance. I owed it to us. I smiled, “Of course.”

  “Come on, up you get,” he demanded with a shit-eating grin, pulling away and skirting my body to face away from me, indicating for me to jump on his back like I used to do when we first started dating.

  He caught his arms behind my knees as I clung like a baby chimp around his neck.

  “Don’t let me fall,” I giggled when he began to pick up the pace back to the woman, who most probably, was beginning to feel like a third wheel.

  I was laughing like a lunatic, and spluttering as the wind tore through my loose hair, sending it whipping and flying across my face. I only just heard Liv shout, “Smile,” before I was blinded by a blue flash.

  The pair was unusually quiet, with Liv busy burying her feet into the cold depths of the beach, while Liam’s head tilted back, gazing up into the sky with his aviator glasses in place.

  “I fancy ice-cream, anyone else want one?” I asked over the crashing waves.

  His rapt focus on the powder blue, cloudless heavens was torn away as both turned in my direction. He smiled. “Ice-cream sounds fantastic.”

  The golden grains were dusted off my backside as I shunted myself up from the sand. “One mint chocolate chip for Liam, and,”––I narrowed my eyes at Liv. With her brunette hair in a loose side braid, tiny white shorts and red halter bikini bra on a beach, she looked ready for a damn photo shoot. “Strawberry?”

  “Always strawberry, with sauce, and one of those flake thingy’s too if they have them.”

  “Yes, Ma’am,” I gave a small salute, before grabbing my purse and heading up the embankment to the ice-cream parlor.

  It was while I was waiting and watching the middle-aged man scooping the ice-cream into cones that my stomach began to flip and my nerves were scattered for some God forsaken reason. The constriction in my chest was impossible to ignore, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, and the panic which hardened at the suffocating sensation just made me worse. My legs felt like they were about to give away, so my right hand came qu
ickly to my aid, resting on the counter, halting my imminent crumpled fate.

  Steady breathes, Kady…steady breathes…

  One…two…three…repeat…

  One…two…three…

  I concentrated solely on making my outbreath longer than my inhalation, just as the doctor instructed, to stop myself from hyperventilating and kill the ringing and compression in my head.

  I handed the man the money for the ice-creams and made a hasty retreat back to the beach. At least with Liam and Liv, I knew I’d be safe if anything happened. Like passing out.

  Down the paved slope I tread with two ice-creams in one hand, and one in the other, while my purse was nestled under my arm. The measly wave I offered went unnoticed. They were drowning in their conversation; Liv’s hand rose to meet Liam’s cheek then lowered to his left pectoral.

  What the fuck?

  Even in the distance, I could hear her discerning, throaty, one cigarette too many, giggle leave her chest. What caught me completely off-guard were Liam’s arms snaking around her waist, his hands set on each ass cheek that was barely covered with the tiny white shorts she was wearing. He pulled her into him, his lips crashing down to her as she tipped her head back to reciprocate.

  I was standing no more than eight feet away, my breathing coming in short, and frantic pants. The sand sucked me under, proving too weighty for me to even lift my legs to close the remaining space between us. I tried to shout, instead, my words were unfettered as a quavering, mistrusting sound as my voice box jittered. “Wh–what the Hell is this?”

  The cavorting twosome relinquished each other and gaped at me like they’d been caught with their hands in the chocolate cake, despite the fact that they were told it was forbidden.

  “Don’t just stand there. What the fuck was that?” I challenged once again, sensing the anger stirring within the depths of my soul but for some reason was incapable of liberation.