Eluding Nirvana (The Dark Evoke Series Book 2)

by Brock, V. L.

  Kady knew I’d never harm a single hair on her head. That being said, her need for release is something I understand. You need pain; you need to hurt physically to end the emotional hurt, to lower your adrenaline. There is a world of difference between what I had done to her, and the way Liam forces her to live. My intentions were to keep her safe from herself. His was to degrade and make himself feel powerful.

  When you seek detachment and numbness through pain for an emotional release, you’re aiding someone, I was aiding her. When you beat up, degrade and cause physical, emotional and mental harm of your own freewill…that is abuse. That night when I held Kady in my arms after inflicting the pain she needed, I reassured her; I made her feel safe after I submitted to her requests. I never once made her feel scared of me. Liam is the exact opposite, the sick cunt.

  “Hey,” I muttered, as I took the vacant seat ahead of her. “How are you feeling, darlin’?” Moments passed where my question went answered. I didn’t recognize this person in front of me. She wasn’t the Kady Jenson I came to know and have a deep attachment for. Instead, a hollow shell was staring back at me. The want to take her in my arms and carry her away from all the shite she had been living in, and offer her a better one, was that greatest I’d ever felt.

  She hung her head defeated. “I went for him, Walker.” When she pulled her gaze back to me, my heart died in my chest. Her face was pale, her eyes dim and lifeless, confused beyond all comprehension.

  Her name was a painful muttering as I shifted myself to the edge of the seat, her knees snuggled between my thighs as she wrung her fingers together in her lap.

  “I attacked him and I can’t even remember it.”

  Unexpected, a commotion was heard from outside, the orderly rose from her chair quickly and peeked out of the small glass window of the door. “Oh my God,” she gasped.

  “It’s okay, we’ll be fine,” I reassured her as she nodded her head and dashed out of the room, leaving us alone.

  “Kady, listen to me, you did not attack him,” I stressed, my hands wrapping around hers. “Do you understand me? You did not attack him.”

  Her bedraggled tresses were swept across her face when she shook her head with unending mumbles of defeat and denial. A mass grew in my chest and practically strangled me at seeing her so brainwashed. I pressed again. “You didn’t attack him, Kady. You’re not that sort of person; you don’t have a combative bone in your body.”

  “How do you know, Walker?” she challenged. “People live next-door to rapists and child abductors, but they always say the same thing, ‘We never realized, it’s come as such a shock, he/she was such a lovely person’.”

  My God, what the fuck had that bastard done to her? It took every strength and effort to pool each ounce of determination I possessed, and stop myself from crumbling in front of a person who was once strong enough to endure such abuse, but had since been diminished to such a manic state. I simply grinded, “No, Kady, that’s enough. You didn’t do what he’s made out you’ve done.”

  The sternness in my words had her frozen. With a faint doubting shake of her head, she frowned. “Then why would he say it?”

  More than anything in the world, I wished I could have told her the answers which she deserved. She didn’t deserve to be confined by these four walls; she didn’t deserve to be abused the way she had been for God knows how long. “I don’t know, but we’re working on it––”

  “We? Whose we?”

  A small wistful smile stretched across my face, and I prayed that the grit behind my words would bring her a form of comfort. “Let’s just say, the FBI has nothing on me and Laurie at the moment.”

  After a moment, she returned her rapt gaze back to the garden beyond the window. I studied her silently and when she whispered, “Today was the funeral,” it was like I was hit by a fucking freight train, and the fog was lifted. I wouldn’t put it past the fucker. Every abuser breeds on control, they strive for it, what a perfect way to keep that control than by having her locked up, depriving her of her right? “I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye and now I never will,” she added, a tear escaping over her eyelid.

  I was sitting in silence, stringing each piece of new information together in my head to try and see the bigger picture.

  “He deleted my voicemail, Walker. The one from my mom and everything else after that is a complete blur.”

  Tearing my hands away from her, I set them on each side of her face, my thumbs catching and drying each droplet of despair as they fell. I hated seeing her cry, so I coaxed her forward and halted chewing on my chewing gum, as I pressed our foreheads together. “Please, don’t cry, darlin’,” I whispered struggling against my own tears. “Please, don’t cry.”

  When I pulled away, I searched her eyes and asked if she remembered the conversation in Tiffani’s the morning after her birthday, when she agreed to let me be her anchor. With each desperate word, I hoped that I’d find a sliver of strength in her eye. That was what she needed at that moment in her life. She needed someone she could trust to help her find and grasp hold of reality. When she nodded, I told her, “So I am going to be your anchor. Say after me, Kady: I didn’t attack, Liam.”

  “No, I’m not saying that. Refusing to believe it is why I’m here, Walker. I’m not saying that. I did attack him. I did. He has the cut to prove it, I’m a nut-job, I’m delusional––”

  Jesus fucking Christ. I shut up when she asked me to, but I couldn’t stand on the sidelines and watch him drag her down any longer. “Yes, Kady, you are delusional. You’re delusional because you believe his lies, his deceits, his fabrications call them whatever you want it all comes to the same thing,” I gasped, pointedly. “Kady, you told me not to say anything to you when I saw your ribs. I’m not doing it any longer, I’m not keeping my mouth shut so you can continue with this twisted world that he’s made you believe you deserve. I’m done.”

  I felt the power of denial behind my hands as she shook her head, frenzied, and pled with me not to burst her delusional bubble that she had been cooped up in for God only knows how long. Enough was enough.

  “He is abusive, darlin’. You are in a physically and psychologically abusive relationship, Kady. That is the truth and you know it, you just deny it over and over. But look where it’s got you, darlin’.”

  How was it possible to feel like the bad person just by stating the truth? Witnessing the untold tears as they spilled down her face at my words, caused my eyes to water and a lump the size of Ireland to clog in my throat.

  “You’re in this place, taking medication you don’t need, questioning your own sanity, Kady, this isn’t right. You’re worth so much more, darlin’. I can’t offer you the world at your feet like Liam can, but if you were mine, I would offer you a world of happiness, a world of safekeeping and respect where you wouldn’t have to walk on Goddamn eggshells. I’d never treat you the way he has.”

  The more she begged for me to stop, the more I had to keep pushing forward. She knew this. She’d known it for a long time but always justified it. And right at that point, it was my job to make her see sense if it was the last thing I did. I knew from the very moment I laid my eyes on her, and saw the forced and sad look in her eye, that I wanted nothing more than to make her smile. Now it is me, the person who wants to keep her safe, the person who would travel through Hell and back for her, who’s the cause of her sadness. More than anything, I hated that the tears which were falling were as a result of my voice, of my words. But they were words that needed to be heard.

  “Repeat after me, Kady: I didn’t attack, Liam.” When she stayed quiet, I repeated myself again.

  “I didn’t attack, Liam,” her voice was a small, unconvincing whisper.

  Sighing, I braced my brow against hers again. “Do you trust me, darlin’?”

  “Yes.”

  “With trust, comes belief. You didn’t cut him. Say it, Kady, please––” I couldn’t hold myself any longer. My voice was already splintering and th
e chaos outside had seemed to die down. This needed to be done quickly before that damn orderly returned. “Just say it, say: I didn’t attack him.”

  “I didn’t attack him.” There’s my girl, I couldn’t stop the relieved twitch of my lips. I told her to say it again and again, and with each time I could feel a little more belief in her voice.

  Telling her not to take any pills, and to just say yes and no in the right places with the shrinks, she agreed with a nod of her head. “One more thing,”––I glided my thumbs over the arch of her cheekbones as I took a breath––“Cling onto this conversation. Hold on with everything you have, keep replaying it and keep remembering these words. Don’t lose yourself, Kady. I couldn’t bear it.” In that moment, all I could imagine was losing her. To not have the chance to look into her eyes, breathe her scent, hear her voice. I would have gladly slipped a knife into my gut and twisted that sucker at the mere thought of having to live that nightmare.

  Rolling my eyes, I knew I had to get out of there. I was Kady’s rock––her support. I couldn’t let her see me like that.

  A gust of air as the door opened traveled through the room as the rather flustered orderly came back. “Is everything okay in here?”

  Glancing up, I nodded, “Yeah,” before dropping my head back to Kady. “I gotta go. Keep remembering,” I muttered abruptly, pushing past that lump in my throat as I pushed myself from the seat. When I took a brief moment to press a kiss against her forehead, I felt the creases of my brow deepen. And as I made a hasty retreat past the member of staff, the hate for Liam in putting her in there in the first place, ignited my blood. But it was the hate directed toward myself because I had to leave her there, that slaughtered me.

  The steering wheel of my truck was what saw the brunt end of my frustration. Once I allowed the threatening tears to finally see freedom, I breathed my private apology to Kady, then sucked in a breath and reached for my phone. Dragging up Laurie’s number, I hit call.

  After a few rings, I was greeted with, “How is she?”

  “An absolute fucking mess, she’s been fucking brainwashed. It was like watching those monkeys forced to watch war and conflict on the fucking television over and over again.”

  “Fucking Hell, I had no idea she was going to be that bad. So what do we do?”

  I tossed my head against the headrest. Opening my mouth, I was quickly interrupted, “We can’t confront Liam about this, Walker. It’ll put her in more danger.”

  “She’s already in fucking danger, Laurie!” I yelled, as an enraged sob found its escape. “God, I said I would help her. I was supposed to protect her. How could we not have seen this at the beginning? How––”

  “Walker, stop! Calm down, breathe. Searching for ideas when you’re in a state isn’t going to happen.”

  I said my silent thanks to the heavens that Laurie knew how to calm me the fuck down, and then took her advice. With my eyes shut, and without a sound, I counted to ten and concentrated on my breathing. One thing I knew for certain: Liam and Liv were up to no good. I remembered back to the night at Hamersley’s a few weeks back. Their hushed conversations, eye and physical contact, the way he left with her with that shrewd grin plastered all over his sickening face. That is something that can’t be hidden from another man. It’s rooted into us, we know how we work.

  I could only hope that my crazy arsed idea would work, too.

  “Laurie, I think I have an idea.”

  Transcending Nirvana:

  ~ The Dark Evoke Series, (#3) Sneak Peek ~

  A rumbling, “hmmm,” coming from in front of me pulled me from slumber. Fluttering my eye lids, the sun charred through the window, creating a thick beam in the halfway point of the room and over the bed. Walker was sound asleep, his thick, black lashes fanned out over the arch of his cheekbone, his full, pale lips more tempting than an apple in Eden.

  The rumbling noise which pulled me back to reality was released again, alongside a momentary furrow of his brow. He looked adorable. The snowy white sheet pooled around his hips, showcasing the band of his gray slacks, while his upper body remained visible. I smiled as I remembered the way we coiled around one another and spent hours simply kissing. Some people wouldn’t understand how heady that is, participating in something so intimate, so intense, yet not lead into sex or masturbation. It shows constraint, it takes you on a journey like no other; it holds you steady at that peak of bliss and never wanes.

  It was phenomenal.

  With his right hand snug under the pillow, his left settled on my hip, I observed the destructive scarring on his left pectoral. The lump of sympathy clogging my throat was swallowed harshly as I cautiously shifted and brought my right hand up to it.

  Last night, with the combination of impassioned kisses, he allowed me to feel him. My fingers slipped over each jutting gash, each round blemish. Still, as soon as I made my way to hover over his heart, my intention was halted.

  This was the one which held his most anguish.

  With the tip of my middle finger, I kept vigil, and with extra care not to wake him, I softly traced around the edging of withered, pale flesh. His chest rose and dipped with each steady breath, and as I began to take the journey into the midpoint of the mutilation, the flesh feeling somewhat like leather against my fingertip, Walker stirred. His lashes left the arch of his cheek as they fluttered open.

  “Morning,” I smiled, discreetly lowering my inspecting hand.

  “Mornin’ indeed, darlin’.”

  I giggled and bit my lip while he rubbed his eyes.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I never thought that your voice could sound any sexier, boy was I was wrong? Sleepy Walker’s voice is something else entirely.”

  Shifting his body closer, he seized behind my right knee and hooked it over his hip. “I’m glad I could please you. How long have you been eyeing me for?”

  I rolled my eyes and added an additional serving of over dramatics to my voice. “Oh, I don’t know…too long.”

  Tiny, stirring circles were being traced on my thigh when his lips covered mine. I didn’t care about morning breath, all I cared about was that after so long, we were finally here, the point we secretly longed to be at. It was almost surreal. When we pulled away, I licked my lips and rolled my head over the pillow. Peeking up at the ceiling, I muttered, “You never did tell me about the mirror.”

  “Not today, darlin’.” The circular motions on my thigh came to an abrupt end when I redirected my attention back to him. His sleepy features turned hard and angry in a blink of an eye. “You’re starting to bruise,” he whispered almost apologetically, while I winced as his hand lifted to brush across my wounded cheekbone.

  A snort of absurdity left me as I shook my head.

  “What is it, darlin’?”

  Looking him in the eyes was an impossible task while being besieged by embarrassment. Instead, I focused on his Adam’s apple and took a deep breath. “I can’t believe how much I let him get away with. I can’t believe how much I changed in my outlook and how much I justified what was happening.” When an encouraging hand cradled my face, his thumb settled peacefully at the hollow behind my ear, I peeked up and wistfully continued, “How sickening is it that my instinctive thought just then was, ‘I’m used to it’?”

  Words were halted as he breathed my name with a combination of hurt and anger hardening his ocean eyes into ice. “I’m going to fucking kill him for this.”

  The scary part was, I felt the determination behind his words. I didn’t for one moment think he wouldn’t do it. Over the time we had spent together, Walker had proved to me on more than one occasion that he would do anything to insure I was safe, to ensure my wellbeing was maintained.

  The secret part of me was terrified because I knew that getting away from Liam wasn’t going to be as easy as any other breakup. Liam DeLaney had connections, he had money, and what’s more, he had the determination and the sick, twisted views and judgments that I knew he would put into p
lay, just to get me back. But I kept that knowledge to myself.

  That was another attribute I was used to: secret knowledge.

  “Don’t, it’s not worth it.”

  “Don’t go back,” he said while his fingers combed through my hair.

  I scowled. My voice barely a whisper as one word fell from my lips. “Never.”

  He smiled and that sexy as fuck dimple stopped by to say ‘good morning’. “Well then, today, darlin’ is your first day of freedom.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t entirely sure of that statement. So I merely filled my lungs and plastered a smile on.

  That was another thing I was good at.

  About the Author

  Raised in a creative family, witnessing one another expressing themselves through creativity, albeit musically or through a form of literature, it was only a matter of time before my passion for devising characters and their unique stories in their own world, began to form and grow. From there the seed was sown and flourished into a young girls dream.

  Throughout the years I have often toyed with the idea of pursuing this path, yet unknowing where to begin. There are so many routes in this day and age to help get from A to B, that the dream was both tangible and terrifying. So with that, and after a few months of kicking myself into gear thanks to a certain someone, I decided to self-publish, and that decision was most probably one of the best decisions I have ever made.

  I am a mother of a 6 year old son who knows how to keep me on my toes, and married my high school sweetheart 6 years ago. I can’t express how supportive and understanding both have been while pursuing this journey. If I’m not writing I’m constantly thinking about writing and can be found either chasing my son around, with my nose in book or being creative in the kitchen.

  In writing this series, it was my intent to not only evoke the same feelings in the reader which they would experience while watching a friend or a loved one in the same situation as Kady, but to also give an insight as to how the victim of domestic violence perceives the situation from the insiders perspective, and why is isn’t easy to just leave.