Her First Kiss_Londons story

by Mj Fields

  When I walk in and see him with a beer in his hand, sandwiched between two blondes who are grinding on him, I realize I am not just wrong, but stupid.

  I walk in anyway, wanting to get my clothes that I left behind. I go unnoticed as I walk into his room, finding condoms on his nightstand. I want to get sick. I need to get out of there fast.

  When he sees me and looks unaffected, I realize I don’t need to leave so fast. So, once again, I am wrong.

  I slap him across the face, not once, not twice, but three times. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t seem to feel any remorse. Now I realize I’m not wrong. I’m not stupid.

  “You are a manipulative, lying, stupid bastard, Logan Links!”

  “Crazy bitch alert,” one of the blondes says on a laugh. I immediately recognize her.

  I grab her by the hair and drag her toward the door. Then I open it and take a picture of her.

  Holding it up, I tell her, “You haven’t seen crazy. But you ever come around here again, you fucking whore, you will. I will fucking ruin your future as head cashier at Whores-R-Us, and you’ll be selling your fake tits on eBay for rent.”

  I walk up and push the other away, grab Logan, and drag him into his bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

  “You know, I didn’t picture you as a giant pussy, Logan.” I point to the pile of condoms.

  “Never denied I liked pussy, London.”

  Get pissed, I tell myself. Get pissed!

  “And I never expected you not to honor our deal.”

  He leans against his wall. “Our deal?”

  “That this wouldn’t end badly. This, this is badly.”

  “Things don’t end good ever; that’s why they end.”

  “So, when I walk out of here, you’re just going to be okay with not having me in your life? You’re going to be okay with staying away for real this time?”

  “Gonna head to New York City when the semester’s done. So, yeah, London, I’ll leave you alone.”

  “Because Ava, and Thomas, and Luke?”

  His eyes widen, and his jaw tenses.

  “I know what happened. I know everything. I even know that you left because you were sticking up for Ava.”

  “So, you know? So what?”

  “So, you could have talked to me.” I hit myself in the chest. “I was supposed to be your friend. I know you better than anyone, Logan. Me!” I hit myself again.

  He shrugs. “You’re off the hook. I don’t need any friends.”

  “You’re not!”

  His eyebrows shoot up.

  “Not yet, anyway.” I turn my back on him and hear him sigh. “Did you kiss anyone since me?”

  “I don’t kiss.”

  “Did you fuck anyone since you and I made our agreement?”

  “Not yet.”

  I turn around. “Not yet?”

  “We have a couple weeks of school left. I haven’t had sex in a few weeks. I’m probably gonna need to fuck.”

  “A few weeks?” My voice cracks.

  He shrugs then nods once. “Yeah, a couple weeks.”

  “So, when you...? So, when I...? So, when...?”

  “You really wanna know?”

  “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”

  “You didn’t show up at karaoke.”

  “So, you fucked someone?”

  He shrugs. “Wasn’t in any sort of agreement with you, so what’s it matter?”

  A feeling comes over me that I’m not used to. It’s somewhere between hurt and devastation. I have felt both, but this is more intense.

  I realize it now. It’s because it’s my fault. It’s because I ignored my own warning signs, my gut instinct.

  I grab my hair, and a noise escapes me that I have never heard. “Why! Why didn’t you just leave me alone! I was so ready, so happy, so...stupid!” I crouch down and fight with everything I am to hold on to the angry, not wanting to cry. “No, you’re stupid!” I stand up. “You are so fucking stupid, Logan!”

  “Never said I had the answers, but you wanna think about something while you’re throwing insults around? You wanna think about the fact that I could have fucked you the other day, and I didn’t. You wanna think about the fact that you expect a hell of a lot from a guy who admits he has feelings for you, but has told you he didn’t know what tomorrow would bring? I’m not fucking stupid, London. I’m fucking honest, and I’m strong, and I am so fucking protective of those I give a shit about that it drives me!

  “I haven’t made fucking plans for what’s next because I know what’s next. Next is helping Ava through her shit and knocking any motherfucker down who tries to do otherwise. Next is building her up so she is strong enough to do the same. Because I’ve fucking been there, London. I’ve fucked a different girl night after night, and I’ll be damned if some fuck looks at her any differently than they look at me!

  “I left after Thanksgiving because the fucks have run out. I was rude to Jade. I was seconds away from telling my old man that he wasn’t paying enough attention to his kids, because he was chasing ass he shouldn’t have thrown away all those years ago. I was second away from beating the fuck out of a disabled soldier who I respect more than most. So, fuck yes, I left.

  “Then, I thought of you and the fact that the apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree. I could fuck you, London, I could. And your little outburst tonight would look like a fucking one-man show on the corner compared to the Broadway production you’d put on after getting fucked. Kissing you...Kissing you is almost as good as fucking, and the way you react, I know damn well I could have made you come without penetrating anything. So, this shit should be ending with a thank fucking you, Logan, for actually not being as stupid as the rest of those motherfuckers back home.”

  I hug myself tightly. If I don’t, I’m going to fall apart. I have guarded my heart for years, and now, now I’m going to do the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

  I’m on the outside looking in. I see a man who thinks he’s doing the right thing because he thinks the girl isn’t strong enough. He thinks he’ll ruin her.

  She’s not weak, and he’s not right, and I don’t want either to hurt.

  “I don’t...” I stop and clear my throat, needing to sound stronger than I feel. “I don’t accept. I don’t. And you, Logan, are going to have to deal with that.”

  “Excuse fucking me?”

  “I said no. The agreement still stands.”

  He shakes his head. “You need to go, London.”

  I sit on the edge of his bed. “No.”

  “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

  I’m doing it to you, I think.

  I shrug. “Just a couple weeks. No hiding from or avoiding you. No need to be looked at like I’m”—I feel my lower lip quiver—“stupid.” I turn my head. “So, no.”

  “Don’t do this,” he warns.

  “I’m not breaking my promise. I’m not doing anything.”

  “You’re gonna end up regretting this.”

  “Not as much as I’ll regret looking at you every holiday, every birthday, every vacation like you absolutely disgust me.”

  “What good do you see coming of this?”

  None.

  I turn my back on him. “Your agreement was that you won’t need anyone else while you’re here for the rest of this semester. Mine was I won’t overthink it, and that I don’t need a label or a commitment. Part of our agreement wasn’t that I had to make any sort of sense, Logan. We both agreed not to fall in love, and that it won’t end badly. If you haven’t been with anyone, you haven’t broken the agreement, so it still stands.”

  He looks at me like one does at those abused animal commercials—pathetic.

  I can’t see him looking at me that way, so I scoot back in his bed, pull my shoes off, and lie down. “Go do whatever you need to.”

  “London, don’t do this to yourself.”

  “Logan, same.”

  He looks pissed now as he turns to open the doo
r.

  “Logan, if you break a promise or the agreement, I will not ever forgive you. I will hate you with everything I am.”

  He turns and points at me. “This is fucking wrong, London, so fucking wrong.”

  “Then do whatever you gotta do.”

  Not ten minutes later, the music stops. Ten minutes after that, he walks back in the room.

  With the door open, I see people leaving and Tank is standing at the door.

  When Logan pulls his shirt off, I see two tattoos. One is across his chest, a phrase in a different language. The other is on his bicep.

  He drops his pants next then walks into the bathroom. I hear the shower start and notice he leaves the door open.

  Ten minutes later, he has a towel slung low around his waist. He turns his back to me and drops it, putting his ass in my face. Then he sits down and looks back.

  “Hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable that I sleep naked.”

  “You’re going to bed with a party going on?”

  “I end up in bed a lot during parties.”

  “ ’Cause you’re so cool?” I ask.

  He lies down and puts his hands behind his head. “You staying the night?”

  I shrug.

  “I’ve gotten rid of all the ass, so you’re free to stop cockblocking.”

  Ouch.

  “That was rude. I apologize.”

  “No, Logan, by all means, be yourself. That’ll make everything end beautifully.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.” His silent for a moment before asking, “You gonna stay here to see if I honor this thing still, because it’s not necessary.”

  I don’t answer. I have no clue why I’m here.

  “You asleep?”

  Dumbest question ever. How is a sleeping person going to answer that?

  “Jade’s pissed at me, my dad’s pissed at me, I’m pissed at me, you’re fucking pissed at me, and Ava sure as hell is going to be pissed at me.” He yawns. “You shouldn’t ever talk to me again.” He whispers that one. “I didn’t fuck anyone. Didn’t even let anyone suck my dick.”

  Wow, that’s big of you.

  “You may not hate me after this, but I’m gonna hate you for making it harder for me.”

  “All you had to do was talk to me,” I whisper.

  “And say what?”

  “Everything you just said.”

  “And put that on you? I may be an asshole, but I’m an asshole who can accept that he’s an asshole.”

  “Put what on me?” I sit up and look at him. The brown blanket is dragged across his lower half. “Do you think I hate Luke because I considered T a brother? Luke’s my cousin, my family.”

  He shakes his head then narrows his eyes. “I know everyone is going to judge her, and I will fucking destroy—”

  “Logan, she’s your sister; of course you’re going to feel that way!”

  “Like T’s your brother? Do you see the issue here?”

  “He’s dead. He’s gone. He’s...He’s...” I turn away. I don’t want him to see my hurt. “He’s never coming back. Just like everyone else who dies.”

  “Always gotta pick a side,” he says through a yawn.

  “I pick Hope, and I pick Chance. I pick what’s best for them, and Ava is their mom, so I pick her. And if Chance really is Luke’s, and Hope is Thomas’s, and he doesn’t do the right thing for both of them, I pick my foot up his ass.” I look over at him and see he smirks. “But we know Luke. He’s going to.”

  “But I know Ava, and she’s gonna be so fucked up over this.”

  “Well, you may make some seriously stupid choices when it comes to friends and agreements and assumptions, but she’s lucky to have you as a brother.”

  He rolls over to his side and looks at me.

  “What?”

  He shakes his head. “I shouldn’t expect this, but what did Dad say?”

  “Lots of things. He’s hurt that he didn’t know, that she didn’t come to him, that you didn’t.” I sigh. “But Tessa pointed out that he would have done the same.”

  He nods. “You know he’s loved her since high school, and he wasn’t good enough for her then?”

  “Can’t assume that. Maybe they just weren’t strong enough to fight whatever demons they had, or walls they’d built, or insecurities, or assumptions. Maybe they sucked at communication. Maybe lots of things. But ultimately, they weren’t meant to be together.”

  “How can you say that? Isn’t that an assumption?”

  “No, Logan, it’s a fact. If I was wrong, I wouldn’t have Harper, CJ, Matthew, Piper, Reed, Hope, Chance”—I look away—“Ava, and you.”

  “Isn’t rationalizing nonsense just as bad as assuming bullshit?”

  I look back at him. “No, rationalizing has facts to back it. Assumptions are driven by emotions.”

  He nods once then rolls to his back.

  “Remove your assumptions, Logan.”

  “You think that’s what happened here?”

  “Of course it is.”

  “Pretty sure of yourself.” He has a smile in his voice.

  “Don’t assume I’m over this. Think you’re funny and stuff right now? Be rational and sleep with one eye open.”

  He yawns again. “You gonna leave when I’m asleep?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Yeah, London, it pisses me off.”

  “Then I probably will, because you’ve pissed me off all weekend.” I look over at him and see that he doesn’t look at me like I’m pathetic anymore. He looks at me like I’m something special.

  “You look pretty.” He smiles and his dimple deepens. Then he closes his eyes.

  “I always look pretty.”

  His smile broadens as he opens his eyes.

  “Say something incredibly stupid right now, and I swear I will wait till you’re asleep and then leave.”

  “So, you’ll stay?”

  I shrug. “I’ll wake you when I leave.”

  “If you leave.”

  23

  Cold and Cruel Winter

  London

  If I told anyone I had the best time of my life from Friends-Giving until the last day of the semester, I would not be lying.

  After that night, for the rest of the semester, Logan and I continued to run in the freezing cold, we’d eat breakfast and dinner together. We went to karaoke on Thursdays with our friends. On Tuesdays, after dance class, we went to see Keeka. I still do every Tuesday.

  On the weekends, we stayed in and watched movies, cooked, played Cards Against Humanity with our friends, and laughed. We laughed all the time. We also spent the time snuggling, kissing, rubbing on each other, but never anything more, and oddly, that was enough, for both of us.

  One of my favorite kisses was when we were both laughing and kissing and laughing at something stupid Mitch said that landed him at the starting line again.

  He gave me a best kisser award after the first time he came in his boxers. He felt uncomfortable about it, and then after that, he didn’t give a damn. He told me he missed out on dry humping altogether and lost his virginity at fifteen. Fifteen! And that making out with me was better than any sex he’s ever had. I told him it was because it was me, and he didn’t disagree. If he had, I would have known he was lying.

  For his graduation with his bachelors in civil engineering, I gave him a mug that said Engineer, because Badass miracle worker isn’t a job. I also gave him a card. It was a pop-up card with the letter V. He asked when it expired, and I told him I would let him know when it got close. I gave him some other things, too, but that was what he seemed focused on.

  Sitting in my window, covered with the white faux fur blanket Logan gave me the last night I stayed with him before the semester ended, drinking from the cup that says Cuddle Season, listening to the song that reminds me of us, Too Much To Ask, by Niall Horan, on repeat I watch the snow fall.

  I refuse to regret any of our time together. I safe guarded my heart, and his with conditions so they w
ouldn’t break. But when I listened to this, I know I could easily give into something more, something unconditional.

  Love.

  But ironically, that season has ended and we made promises and conditions. I can’t break a promise, without breaking my own heart.

  Logan is in New York with his dad, and from what I understand, Ava is coming home with them.

  I know this, not because I heard my family talk about it, but because we message each other nonsense every morning and every night.

  We promised no assumptions, so the texts are totally ridiculous, and quite honestly, would be viewed as meaningless, yet they are not at all. They mean, I am your friend, and I am thinking about you. They mean everything.

  They are the bright start to my morning, and the goodnight kiss before bed.

  We saw each other at Christmas and hugged for probably too long, yet it didn’t seem long enough.

  We saw each other on New Year’s Eve, and we made out in Piper’s closet for an hour.

  We saw each other the day before he left for New York again after the new Year. He told his father it was to meet up with some buddies. He told me the truth. He was going to confront his mother. To tell her to step up when it came to Ava or lose him completely. I told him he shouldn’t be so definitive about it. He told me I shouldn’t be so damn smart. Regardless, he would not promise me like I wanted, that he would say goodbye in a way that wasn’t hurtful.

  Our kiss was quicker, less needy, and at the time, I thought there was hope for a possible future because of it. That, that was the last time I saw him. It was almost three weeks ago.

  Tomorrow, I go back to school, and I do it a changed woman because of him.

  * * *

  Three Days Later...

  Christy laughs. “I can’t believe Fletcher still won’t come out with us.”

  “Did you see him?’ Lisa asks, wagging her eyebrows. “Man got jacked-up over break.”

  “Jacked.” Jamie laughs. “Just jacked.”

  “What do you think, Elle?”

  “I’ve always though Fletcher was hot.”

  When they all go mute, I look at them and roll my eyes. “Logan was hotter but, you know, eventually, even the hottest flames burn out.”