She heard his breath hitch, saw his head snap back as if she’d slapped him round the face. ‘No.’ The sound seemed to be prised from him. ‘I won’t let you end this.’
‘I’ve got to.’ Robert’s words from last night flew round her head. Don’t let him carry on thinking everything is okay when it isn’t. ‘We can’t carry on like this. It’s not fair on you, not fair on the boys.’
Michael’s jaw muscle jumped and she could see he was fighting for control. Fighting for calm. ‘You’re saying this because you’re worried about being away from Luke while he’s ill. I understand. When you get home and see he’s okay, you’ll think differently.’
Oh God. She wanted him to shout at her. To push her out. Not try and reason with her. ‘I won’t.’ She brought her hand to his face, wanting to soothe, to caress, but he jerked away from her. With a sigh she stood up, fighting back her tears. ‘I always knew our relationship had a time stamp on it. You need a woman who can drop everything and follow you round the world. I need to give my sons a stable home life. I want to be there for them whenever they need me.’
‘Don’t tell me what I need.’ He cursed softly as he, too, got to his feet. ‘You think this is the first time I’ve toured alone? You think I need a nursemaid? I have Robert for that.’ He stalked over to the window, staring out at the New York skyline. ‘What I need is someone who’ll make me laugh. Bring some blasted joy into my life.’ Finally he turned back to face her. ‘I understand you don’t want to leave the boys again but the tour ends in four months. At least wait until then before making a decision. Give me a chance to prove we can make this work when we’re both in the same country.’
She wanted to agree, wanted so much to simply nod her head and leave him thinking there was still a chance for them. But keeping him hanging wasn’t fair. ‘You deserve a woman who can always put you first, Michael. I can’t do that.’
‘Again, stop telling me what I need, what I deserve.’ A trace of anger threaded through his voice. ‘What I need, though I doubt I deserve, is you.’
She felt as if her heart was breaking all over again. First the call with Luke, now the anguish of hurting the man she loved. All her life she’d tried to uphold the values her parents had drilled into her. Treat others as you’d like to be treated. Be kind.
Right now, she felt downright cruel.
But in the long run this was the right thing to do. Letting their relationship limp on, their feelings get deeper and deeper, wasn’t going to help either of them. ‘How exactly do you think this is going to work when we are in the same country? You live in London, nearly two hours away from us. I spend my Saturdays ferrying my kids to football matches and friends’ houses. I wear jeans too much and have my pjs on by nine o’clock. My idea of a night out is a quick drink with the other parents after a match and picking fish and chips up on the way home. I can’t remember the last time I went to the theatre. To a party.’
‘I don’t go to parties.’ His eyes stared accusingly at her from across the room. ‘You know me better than that.’
‘I do know you. You like expensive wine, eating in discreet, classy restaurants. Wearing tailored clothes. You enjoy your solitude. Enjoy lazing in bed making love on your days off.’ She let out a brittle laugh. ‘Do you know what time ten-year-old boys wake up at the weekends?’
‘You’re acting like I’ve never met your children,’ he replied tightly. ‘I spent a weekend with them. I thought we had a good time.’
It was like he was hacking away at her, every word he spoke a fresh wound. ‘We did have a good time, a special time the boys and I will remember forever. But it wasn’t real life.’
It had felt real enough to him. Michael thought he’d been hurt by Paula. He was wrong. His fiancée telling him she’d found someone else was like a pinprick compared to the way Jessie was ripping open his heart. He’d sensed she was building up to suggesting they cool it while he was still touring but by God, call him naïve, arrogant, but he hadn’t expected this. Hadn’t expected such finality.
‘I love you,’ he told her, feeling like a drowning man desperately trying to grip at the rocks as the waves battered him. ‘I thought you were starting to love me. Everything else is superficial, irrelevant.’
‘My sons aren’t irrelevant.’
He let out a frustrated hiss. ‘You know what I mean. All this talk of how different we are. It’s a smokescreen.’
Her eyes blazed. If he hadn’t felt so wretched he’d have appreciated how good she looked all fired up. ‘Do you think I want this? That I’m happy admitting we don’t have a future?’
His jaw was clenched so tight it ached. ‘I think you’re using your sons, your ridiculous idea that because I have money I can’t do ordinary things, as an excuse. Just like you claim to know me, I know you, Jessie. You’re a strong, determined woman. If you loved me, you wouldn’t let anything come between us. You’d fight for us.’ Like she fought for her children, he thought hollowly.
‘That’s not fair—’ she began, but he cut her off, his pain too raw to listen to her.
‘These last few months have just been a bit of fun for you, haven’t they? A few dates with the celebrity you had a crush on.’ The realisation tore through him, making him feel like a prize idiot. ‘I bet you and Annabel had a field day gossiping about it all.’
She jerked back, as if he’d struck her. ‘I left my children to see you,’ she told him in a voice that was deadly quiet. ‘And I did it willingly because I cared so much for you.’
Cared. Not loved. She’d never felt that. ‘Last chance,’ he said brutally, desperately. ‘I love you, but if you say you want to end it I’ll respect that. I won’t beg or plead. I’ll just drop out of your life.’
‘It’s not what I want. It’s what I think is best, for both of us.’
Hearing the anguish in her voice he instinctively took a few steps towards her, wanting to soothe, to take away some of her pain. But she no longer wanted that from him.
‘Don’t kid yourself you’re doing me any favours,’ he told her bitingly, halting a few feet away from her. It was hard not to lash out. Even harder to look at her, to have her in his room, when all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and lick his gaping wounds.
Her eyes dropped to the case she’d put by the door. ‘The taxi is due any minute. I’ll wait for it in the lobby.’
Numbly he nodded. ‘I hope you’ll excuse me if I don’t see you off.’ Christ, the thought of watching her disappear in the back of a cab. And then calmly walking back to his room.
At least here he could wallow in his misery away from prying eyes.
She swallowed several times, her slender throat moving up and down as tears ran down her face.
‘Goodbye, Michael.’ She reached up to kiss him, but he reared back, terrified if she touched him he’d get down on his knees and do what he’d promised he wouldn’t. Beg.
Then he watched, his chest a gaping hole, as the woman he loved walked out of his life.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Four months later
Michael had been true to his word. The only contact she’d had from him had come via Robert. He’d phoned the day after she’d arrived home, checking on Luke’s health, which had taken a magical turn for the better when she’d walked in through the door. Robert had been curt but Jessie had understood. She’d done the one thing he’d asked her not to do. She’d hurt Michael.
A tiny part of her had felt angry she’d been duped by Luke into coming home.
The rest of her was just grateful to see him back to his usual self. Luke being sick hadn’t been the reason she’d ended things with Michael. It had simply highlighted how impossible their situation had become.
They should have left it as a brief, but beautiful affair, she thought sadly. Instead they’d been greedy, trying to make it into something more, when the odds were so clearly stacked against them.
And, she was doing fine. Four months after saying goodbye in New York she hardly eve
r thought of Michael.
Fiercely she wiped at the tears creeping down her face.
‘You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?’
Luke’s eyes met hers in the rear-view mirror as he sat with Jack in the back of the car. They were on their way to see Annabel, as they did most Fridays after school.
Except when she’d been going to Rome. Or Paris. Or New York.
‘I think about Michael now and again, yes.’
‘And it makes you sad.’
She watched Jack elbow Luke. ‘Because she misses him, you cretin,’ he hissed.
Pulling up outside Annabel’s, she found herself smiling through her heartache. ‘No need to call your brother names, but you’re right, Jack. I do miss Michael. What I don’t miss is leaving you and Luke.’
‘It was Luke who was the baby. I didn’t mind. I’d rather you were happy.’
The quiet words tore at her heart. ‘Oh, my darling, I am happy. Don’t worry about me.’
‘I wasn’t a baby. I was ill.’ Luke glowered at his brother but then he frowned, confusion clear on his face. ‘Was it my fault? Are you and Michael not friends because of me?’
As his voice started to wobble Jessie turned in her seat, grabbing at his arm. ‘Of course not. It’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes relationships don’t work out. Like your dad and me.’
‘But we still see dad. Will we see Michael again?’
She felt a stab of pain and her hand flew to where it hurt, right above her heart. ‘I don’t think so.’
Luke let out a dramatic sigh. ‘Shame. I liked him.’
Jack snorted. ‘You liked his PlayStation in Paris.’
‘So, you liked his piano.’
They grinned at each other. ‘Paris was awesome,’ they chanted together.
Jessie cried even harder.
The boys scurried off upstairs to play with Annabel’s sons while Jessie followed Annabel into the kitchen. ‘You look well,’ she remarked as Annabel placed two mugs, a teapot and a towering plate of biscuits in front of her. She was horrified by the quick pang of jealousy she felt. It wasn’t because her friend was dating Phil, she realised, but because she looked so happy. ‘You’re glowing, for goodness’ sake. Dating my ex obviously agrees with you. Makes me realise how miserable you must have been those last few months with Edward.’
Annabel picked up a biscuit and took a delicate bite out of the corner. ‘You, on the other hand, look bloody awful.’
‘Thanks.’ She didn’t need anyone telling her that. She’d seen her face in the bathroom mirror enough times over the last few months.
‘I still don’t understand why you ended things with Michael,’ Annabel continued, ignoring the daggers Jessie was metaphorically slinging in her direction. ‘He was the best thing to happen to you since you had the boys.’
‘We’ve been through this.’
‘Humour me.’ Annabel smirked. ‘You’re only tetchy because you know I’m right. The man was in love with you, for crying out loud.’
‘He’ll get over me soon enough.’ She almost choked over the words, aware that Georgina was probably helping him do exactly that.
‘And that’s what you want, is it? Michael to date someone else while you settle back into spinster mode.’
Stung, Jessie blurted. ‘I don’t intend staying single. John’s asked me out and I’ve accepted.’
She had the satisfaction of seeing Annabel totally wrong-footed. ‘John?’ her friend gaped. ‘The same John you repeatedly told me you didn’t fancy?’
Jessie squirmed on her seat. ‘John’s a good man whom I happen to like. I’m making him dinner on Sunday.’
‘Oh? Phil didn’t say he was looking after the boys.’
‘He’s not. The boys know John. They can stay at home. It seemed easier that way than bothering you or Phil.’ It was a sensible plan, she told herself. No need to sound so defensive.
Annabel spluttered with laughter. ‘You’re kidding me, right? It’s your first date and you’ve got the kids as chaperones? Tell me, would you have done the same with Michael on a first date?’
Heat pooled between her thighs as Jessie remembered her first date with Michael. How they hadn’t even made it to the restaurant on time because they’d been too intent on tearing each other’s clothes off.
Annabel held up her hand. ‘You don’t have to reply. Your tomato red face is doing it for you.’
‘Some relationships take longer,’ she replied diffidently. ‘I’m sure the sparks will flare as we spend more time together.’
‘Oh, please.’ Annabel rolled her eyes. ‘Stop trying to kid yourself.’
‘I’m not.’ Stung, Jessie thumped her mug onto the table. ‘I’m trying to be sensible. I’m trying to be a grown-up, not a girl experiencing her first crush. If you think Michael and I could ever have made it as a couple, you’re living in more of a fantasy world than I was.’
‘You didn’t give it a chance,’ Annabel interrupted. ‘You gave up on him, on yourself, before he’d even finished his tour. You’ll never know if it could have worked with you both in the same country.’
‘I do know. We’d have tried to catch each other between his recording commitments, media events, live performances and my life here. Work, school, football, scouts… whatever else the boys will want to do. Until the next tour came round.’ Her voice began to break as she looked her friend directly in the eye. ‘I’m a mum with two kids who need me. And I need to be with them. Michael was wonderful and I miss him like you wouldn’t believe, but the boys deserve a normal life with a mother who’s always there for them. And Michael deserves more than I can give him.’
Annabel grasped Jessie’s hands. ‘What Michael deserves is someone who loves him.’ She smiled softly. ‘And what about what you deserve?’
‘I was happy before I met Michael. I’ll be happy again.’
‘You weren’t happy, Jessie. Why do you think you spent so many hours watching repeats of concerts by a certain Michael Tennant? Because you were looking for love. And I don’t mean a lukewarm feeling, liking someone you believe is right for you because he lives nearby, has the same interests, mixes with your friends.’ She gave her a pointed look. ‘Knows your sons. I mean the grand passion you’ve always banged on to me about.’
‘I was naïve.’
‘You were a dreamer. After you divorced Phil you told me you wanted a man who made your heart sing. Your blood fizz.’
‘I’d never have said that. It’s not anatomically possible.’
Annabel snorted. ‘From what you described of sex with Michael—’
Jessie held up her hand. ‘Stop.’
‘For the sake of any young ears who may be listening, I will, but I’m not letting you off the hook. You’ve talked about not being able to fit Michael in around what the boys need, but what about your needs, Jessie? I know you don’t want to think about it, but Jack and Luke will grow up, move away and start their own lives. You need to start thinking about what you want from life. Don’t give up your chance of future happiness because the present seems too difficult. Fight for yourself, as well as your kids. I think you’ll find your boys will be right alongside you.’
Feeling totally overcome, Jessie squeezed Annabel’s hands. ‘Thank you.’
‘Does that mean you’re going to think about what I said?’
Sadness filled her and she shook her head, knowing it was too late to change her mind even if she wanted to. It had been four months. Michael had probably moved on. It was time she did the same. ‘I know you mean well but I’ve made my decision. I’m going to get on with my life now, no looking back.’ Unsteadily she rose from the table. ‘It’s time we left you to get on with your evening.’ Opening the door, she yelled up the stairs for Jack and Luke to come down. ‘When are you moving?’
‘The removal men come next week. I can’t wait to get away from here and into a new place, make a fresh start.’
‘With Phil?’
Annabel smiled. ‘Not ye
t. With two failed marriages behind us neither of us want to rush into living with each other. Life is good as it is.’
Jessie went to hug her. ‘I’m so pleased for you. Phil’s a really good guy. Well trained,’ she added with a wink.
‘I hope you find happiness too, Jessie. I hate to see you down like this.’
‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll bounce back.
Michael stared down at the letter in his hand, his pulse racing. Good idea, or bad idea?
‘It won’t jump into the letterbox by itself.’ Robert snatched it from him and stepped towards the post box.
‘Wait.’
Exasperation flashed across Robert’s face. ‘Why?’
‘I’m not sure it’s a good idea.’
‘It’s a bloody brilliant idea.’ Robert grinned at him. ‘Probably because it’s my idea.’
‘Not totally true.’
‘Okay, okay, I admit you helped refine it.’
‘Refine it? You had me arriving on her doorstep in a black limo with a rose between my teeth.’
Robert had the grace to blush. ‘Yeah, well, Georgina said she liked that idea.’
‘Georgina says a lot of things just to shut you up,’ Michael muttered, his eyes still focussed on the letter his friend held.
The letter that could possibly determine his future.
‘Am I posting it or not?’
‘You’re waiting, like I said.’
‘What for, divine intervention? Stop being a coward. Life’s about taking chances, putting yourself out there. You too could be as happy as me.’
‘Christ, you’re a smug git,’ Michael retorted disgustedly.
‘Ah but I’m a happy smug git. And did I mention a soon-to-be-father?’
‘Only seventy-three times so far, but the day’s still young.’
‘It won’t be if we stay hovering by this post box much longer.’ Robert glanced at his watch. ‘Train leaves in five minutes. Rehearsal starts in two hours. Make a damn decision.’
‘Post it.’ His heart thumped as Robert jammed the letter home.
Reach for a Star Page 26