You Must Not Miss

by Katrina Leno

  Copyright

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2019 by Katrina Leno

  Cover photography copyright © 2019 by Howard Huang. Cover design by Marcie Lawrence. Cover copyright © 2019 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.

  The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Little, Brown and Company

  Hachette Book Group

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  Visit us at LBYR.com

  First Edition: April 2019

  Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Leno, Katrina, author

  Title: You must not miss / Katrina Leno.

  Description: First edition. | New York ; Boston : Little, Brown and Company, 2019. | Summary: “When seventeen-year-old Magpie Lewis discovers a magical world in her backyard, she uses it and its powers to enact her revenge on all those who have wronged her”—Provided by the publisher.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2018023693| ISBN 9780316449779 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780316449793 (pbk.) | ISBN 9780316449809 (ebk.) | ISBN 9780316449786 (library edition ebook)

  Subjects: | CYAC: High schools—Fiction. | Schools—Fiction. | Family problems—Fiction. | Revenge—Fiction. | Magic—Fiction.

  Classification: LCC PZ7.L5399 Len 2019 | DDC [FIC]—dc23

  LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2018023693

  ISBNs: 978-0-316-44977-9 (hardcover), 978-0-316-44980-9 (ebook)

  E3-20190216-JV-NF-ORI

  Contents

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  DEDICATION

  EPIGRAPH

  ONE FOR SORROW

  TWO FOR JOY

  THREE FOR A GIRL

  FOUR FOR A BOY

  FIVE FOR SILVER

  SIX FOR GOLD

  SEVEN FOR A SECRET

  NEVER TO BE TOLD

  EIGHT FOR A WISH

  NINE FOR A KISS

  TEN FOR A BIRD

  YOU MUST NOT MISS

  AFTER

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  To Wendy Schmalz: grateful to call you my agent, even more grateful to call you my friend.

  ONE FOR SORROW,

  TWO FOR JOY,

  THREE FOR A GIRL,

  FOUR FOR A BOY,

  FIVE FOR SILVER,

  SIX FOR GOLD,

  SEVEN FOR A SECRET,

  NEVER TO BE TOLD.

  EIGHT FOR A WISH,

  NINE FOR A KISS,

  TEN FOR A BIRD,

  YOU MUST NOT MISS.

  —A variation of “One for Sorrow,” a nursery rhyme concerning magpies, birds that have often been considered ill omens (and perhaps for good reason)

  ONE FOR SORROW

  The smell of chlorine had always reminded Magpie Lewis of summer, and summer in turn reminded her of a much happier time, a time before her life had gone so completely wrong. Last summer her sister had been home, her father had been discreet, her mother had been sober, and Magpie had spent three untouchable months on a pizza pool float in their small aboveground pool while her former best friend, Allison, had floated alongside her on a white swan. The swan was full of razor-blade slashes now, and the pizza was deflated. When Magpie put her mouth on the pizza float’s nozzle and blew, she tasted chemicals, sunscreen, sweat, regret. She pulled back and tried to spit away the taste.

  Magpie’s skin tingled where she’d spilled some of the powdered chlorine on the back of her hand. She’d searched the internet on her phone. (will powdered chlorine on skin fucking kill me hopefully; the answer, regretfully: no.) She had run her hand under the garden hose for a few minutes. The water was freezing, so now her hand was numb instead of tingling, which she considered a slight improvement.

  She found an old tire pump in the garage and took it to the backyard, where she sat cross-legged on the grass. The pizza float was faded from three months of sitting out every day last summer. She thought she could almost see a Magpie-shaped pattern of more vibrant color where her body had blocked the sun. She’d worn 50 SPF sunblock and hadn’t tanned at all.

  You were not supposed to get into a pool immediately after adding chlorine, but this was May 1, and it was unseasonably hot in New England, practically July-warm, and besides, Magpie would hardly touch the water at all from her perch on top of the float. If she were honest with herself, she would admit she was hoping very much that the pool or the float or some combination of the two would act as a time machine and shoot her backward to a day when her heart did not constantly feel so wilted and sick.

  Magpie hoisted the inflated pizza float over the side of the pool, then she climbed up the ladder to the small, raised pool platform and lowered herself gingerly onto the float. She removed her straw hat from her head and placed it over her face and breathed in deeply, the smell of chlorine, the sharp knife of it, the hot burn. She’d put too much in, but the pool hadn’t been taken care of in the past year and it was slightly green with who knew what—moss or fungus or whatever.

  “Algae,” she remembered suddenly, and spoke the word aloud, her voice so soft that it got trapped inside the sun hat and reverberated there for a moment. Through the cracks in the woven hat, Magpie could see sun, blue skies, trees. There was one month left of her sophomore year of high school, and she had decided, after a mountain of evidence to support it, that the entire world was a joke.

  But the sun felt good and the pizza float drifted lazily and knocked gently into the sides of the pool and there was a warm breeze and Magpie felt, momentarily, a cautious sort of peace.

  She let her hand dip over the side of the pool float and linger, wrist-deep, in the cool water; then she remembered the fresh chlorine and took it out again.

  Inside, the house phone rang. Only a handful of people knew and used that number, and most of them were telemarketers. She knew her mother, Ann Marie, was inside, drunk early and watching TV, but the phone rang a dozen or so times, then went silent, unanswered. Ann Marie had disabled the voice mail months ago, but Magpie’s father still called every day at six o’clock, waiting for someone to pick up. Magpie liked to imagine what he might say if he could leave a message. It would be in a low, pleading voice. It would drift out of the house and slink over the grass and crawl up the side of the pool and swim across the water right into Magpie’s ear.

  He would say something simple, something like:

  Ann Marie, please call me back. Please talk to me. Please give me a chance to explain.

  What this translated to, roughly, was:

  Ann Marie, I am sorry that our daughter caught me having sex with your sister in our bedroom six months ago while you were out of town visiting friends and Magpie was supposed to be at school but instead was skipping third period to root around in your bedside table for our little bit of weed so she and Allison could get stoned and eat four bags of BBQ pota
to chips. I am sorry for how naked I was, and for how naked your sister was, and for how long we stood looking at our daughter/niece not knowing what to say, not knowing even how to hide ourselves. It was as if time hiccupped and got stuck, and the three of us could not figure out how to undo it, how to get it moving again. Ann Marie, I am sorry for the image of my naked, semierect dick that will forever be emblazoned on the insides of the eyelids of our youngest daughter. Ann Marie, please call me back. Please talk to me. Please give me a chance to explain.

  A crash from inside broke Magpie’s daydream; this was Ann Marie throwing the phone against the wall. But it was the oldest and sturdiest phone known to man, and it would inevitably survive this minor inconvenience, and Magpie would pick it up later and piece it back together, and the whole charade would repeat tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and on and on into infinity.

  Magpie spent enough time on the pool float for the sun to go down and her mother to pass out on the couch with the TV on too loud, then she toweled off on the swim platform and went inside.

  The house she shared with her mother on Pine Street was dark, blinds pulled tightly closed, heavy blackout curtains hung at almost every window. Air-conditioning units blew stale, chilly air that raised goose bumps on her skin every time she got too close.

  She had been making herself dinner for six months with little variation, because food did not interest her much; she ate it so she did not lose too much weight and raise the suspicions of the school guidance counselor, whose own daughter’s kidneys failed after a slow burn with anorexia. The school guidance counselor was now very obsessed with the weights of the students who went to Farther High School, and she regularly roamed the hallways, peering at bodies, looking for too-prominent bone structures: clavicles and elbows that pulled at skin until it turned three shades lighter than it ought to have been.

  Magpie set a pot to boil on the stove and got a box of macaroni and cheese out of the cabinet. They were out of milk and butter so it would be dry and the powdered cheese would clump together in little tumors.

  She went and muted the TV. Ann Marie slept noisily on the couch: big, raking breaths that shook the pictures on the living-room walls. Sweating on the coffee table within arm’s reach of her, there was a large tumbler of vodka and ice because it looked like water and they could both pretend, if they wanted to, that it was water. Magpie rarely got close enough to the glass to smell it, but she could smell her mother, who hadn’t showered that morning and bled pure ethanol from every pore. It made Magpie’s nose burn, even worse than the chlorine.

  When her dinner was ready, she ate it standing up in the kitchen, straight from the pot, with the only clean utensil in the house: the wooden spoon she’d used to stir everything together. The macaroni tasted like cardboard dusted with dry sawdust, but somehow that was comforting to her, a familiar taste, something very small that she could rely on.

  For lunch every day Magpie bought a greasy grilled cheese sandwich and a small container of apple juice, and for breakfast there was sometimes a spoonful or two of cottage cheese if she remembered to eat it, if it hadn’t gone green with mold.

  She hadn’t had vegetables in a while.

  Magpie opened the fridge and found broccoli so covered in a sickly white film that she almost couldn’t identify what it was—just a tiny spot of green remained. It did not occur to her to throw it out.

  “There aren’t any vegetables,” she whispered into the fridge. Then she shut the door and trapped her voice inside to cool.

  Magpie always arrived at school early. This was for two reasons: She wanted to be out of the house before her mother got up, and she wanted to get to her locker before Allison, whose own locker was next to Magpie’s.

  She removed every single book that she would need throughout the day so she wouldn’t have to return to her locker until thirty minutes after the last bell rang, which allowed her to give Allison a wide berth, ensuring Magpie wouldn’t see her after school. Her backpack groaned audibly with the weight. Her back groaned audibly with the weight.

  She went to her first class, English, and found it predictably empty. Magpie liked predictability; she liked that Mr. James arrived only five minutes before class every day and that she would have the darkened classroom to herself for forty blissful, quiet minutes. She sat near a window in the back and pulled out the homework she was supposed to have done over the weekend, staring blurrily at the syllabus as she struggled to bring it into focus.

  Read the short story “Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?” by Joyce Carol Oates. Answer the following study questions:

  Why does Connie leave with Arnold Friend?

  What is the significance of the name Arnold Friend?

  What is the significance of Connie’s obsessive hair brushing?

  What is the meaning of literally anything?

  Magpie squinted and read question four again. It dissolved and reformed in front of her eyes into something that made more sense.

  Magpie hadn’t read the story. She removed her English textbook from her backpack and opened to it.

  Her eyes refused to work properly.

  She couldn’t manage even a single sentence.

  So Magpie pulled a spiral-ring notebook from her backpack, a cheery yellow notebook that stood in stark contrast to the dark cloud that hung permanently around her. In ink, on the top right corner of the cover, she had written one word. Near.

  The notebook was well-worn and used; the yellow had faded and peeled around the edges, revealing the cardboard underneath. Magpie had been writing in it for months—six months, actually. She’d picked it up the morning after she’d walked in on her father and her aunt. She’d written the word—Near—on the cover, then she had turned to the first page and scrawled: I wish I lived somewhere else. A tiny perfect place. A town called Near with no people, no traffic, no noise. Just a green sweeping hill and grass so bright that it’s almost lime.

  She opened now to an empty page somewhere in the middle, the first one not completely filled with mostly neat tiny handwriting, and she wrote: In Near it is always warm enough to go swimming.

  In Near I always feel like I am floating.

  In Near the water is as warm as a bath.

  And then she heard someone set their bag down on the front desk. It was five minutes till class and Mr. James was right on time.

  “Good morning, Margaret,” he said. She closed the yellow notebook and slid it into her backpack. Mr. James walked over to her desk and tapped the English book. “Ah, refreshing your memory? What did you think about that one? Dark, I know.”

  Magpie didn’t know what she thought about it because she hadn’t read it, so instead of answering, she tried not to make eye contact.

  Mr. James tilted his head, looked at her with what could only be described as careful optimism. “Margaret?”

  “I’m sorry,” Magpie said. She struggled halfheartedly to come up with some sort of excuse, but her mind was blank, a large white expanse of nothingness.

  “Margaret, did you not do the assigned reading? You really can’t afford to miss another homework credit.”

  “I can do it tonight,” she said.

  “I don’t allow late assignments, Margaret. We’ve been over this.”

  “I can do it in study hall.”

  “But you had the entire weekend—what excuse can you possibly have for not reading one short story?”

  What excuse could she have?

  But even if she had been able to think of one, she didn’t get a chance to use it—the warning bell had sounded and her classmates were filing diligently into the room, filling up the space, taking all the air. Magpie lowered her head and tried very hard to get enough to breathe.

  Lunch. A grilled cheese sandwich that dripped grease onto her lunch tray.

  She always used to sit with Allison. Back then, she never knew who else she would find at the table. The occupants constantly changed as people fell in and out of Allison’s favor.

&n
bsp; A quick glance at the table now showed people Magpie once considered friends—Elisabeth, Nicole, Brittany—eating and laughing together.

  Six months ago she had chosen a new table. One that was across the cafeteria from Allison’s. She’d seen the empty chair and asked if she could sit there.

  Brianna had said, “It’s a free country, girl.”

  Luke had said, “You’re Mags, right?”

  Clare had said, “Welcome to the Goonies; are you cool with blood sacrifices?”

  And Ben had said nothing but shifted his chair to the side a little to indicate that she could sit next to him.

  They had accepted her, she knew, because they each had a past.

  Brianna had gotten her period in class one day as a freshman and bled through her jean shorts and was theretofore banned from all civilized conversations because everyone knew periods must be kept quiet and denied at all costs.

  Luke had been dating the blondest cheerleader on the squad until he’d come out as bisexual and started dating a quarterback on one of Farther’s rival football teams.

  Clare’s father had killed himself when they were all in middle school and thus became something to avoid, as if grief were perhaps contagious.

  Ben had transitioned to male sometime last year, to the acceptance of few outside of that small group.

  And Magpie.

  Whose transgressions against Farther High School were too egregious to list.

  Or at least that’s what Allison had said.

  And people listened to Allison.

  Her version of events was so convincing that it sometimes confused even Magpie, who’d been there.

  Magpie had sat between Ben and Brianna ever since because she did not believe, like the rest of the school, that there was very much to worry about regarding transgender people and people with periods.

  She ripped her grilled cheese into two pieces, then four, then eight.

  “Do you want this?” Ben asked, handing her some sort of yogurt in a tube. “I’ve told my mom these are disgusting, but she keeps buying them.”