Camgirl

by Isa Mazzei

  1NerdyGuy: well that happened

  Wild_West: lol

  secret_bee: UNA!!!

  I set the empty jug down to my right, realizing at the last second that I probably didn’t want to hold it over my head until the next tip. I sat in silence, water pooling around my knees in the soggy carpet.

  bOBMANder: lol she’s crazy

  RomeoTurtle: is the music creeping anyone else out?

  bombNo.20: yeah it’s super unnerving it’s great

  As the room speculated as to what was going on, I felt my feet begin to go numb. I hadn’t thought through the whole “kneeling for a long time” thing. I wondered if there was a movement I could do at the next tip that would be weird enough to get away with. I guess I could get up and start running in place? But what if I didn’t get another tip for a while? How long could I do that for? Suddenly, a tip noise brought me back.

  FunnyGuy tipped 1500 tokens: i’m sorry Una

  Private Message from FunnyGuy: i’m sorry please dont’ be mad at me

  I flicked my eyes to the camera but didn’t respond otherwise. I had stopped answering Funny’s calls, texts, everything. He had threatened me. With my legal name. No amount of tokens could buy my forgiveness.

  bombNo.20 tipped 50 tokens: next!

  I stood up and fought the urge to stamp my feet as they prickled with blood flow. I began to walk in a slow, steady circle. Only the lower half of my body was visible on camera, a slowly moving set of disembodied legs, meandering around and around and around and around. Water ran down to my ankles. I used the opportunity to scan my viewer list. Jiggy had left. Only eighty-six people watching. I circled for a minute. Then two minutes. Four. Seventy-nine viewers. Seventy-three. Come on, somebody tip.

  1NerdyGuy tipped 50 tokens: I’ll bite.

  Wild_West: whoot!

  I sat down and quietly grabbed a razor and a bowl of water I had sitting nearby. I removed my panties. With slow, deliberate strokes, I began shaving my pubic hair, starting on my inner thighs.

  bOBMANder: oh shit she’s going for the bush!

  1NerdyGuy: I do NOT endorse this

  Wild_West you tipped for it, Nerd

  1NerdyGuy: So much regret!

  __9gaslight_: is she really gonna shave it all off?

  I moved the razor to the top and took off about half an inch, moving slowly and rinsing the razor between each stroke. I was committed: I would shave it all if I had to. I glanced at my viewer count. 107. Probably because I was showing my vagina. Funny had left. Several tips came in simultaneously.

  Wild_West tipped 50 tokens: save the bush!

  secret_bee tipped 50 tokens: Stop!!

  I set the razor aside, smiling involuntarily. I forced the smile wider, creepier. I picked up a Sharpie and, beginning on my middle finger, traced a long, continuous line up my arm, across my chest, and down my body to my toe. Then, I traced the line back up. Several minutes elapsed as I ran the Sharpie over my body. My room count dropped to fifty-five. I ran the Sharpie across my collar bone. Someone tipped. I capped the marker, stood up, and began vacuuming the floor.

  As the night wore on, the tips lessened and my room count grew smaller and smaller. The room was quiet. Detached. When I finally signed off a mere ninety minutes after I had started, I calculated my earnings: a measly $125 for the entire night, and most of it from Funny.

  “The commentary on sex work was great,” Jonah lauded me from the phone, as I sat in the bath trying to scrub the Sharpie off my skin. The water was turning a muddy violet.

  “What commentary?”

  “The part where you said thank you over and over and nothing else?”

  “Really? You liked it? I mean, that was more just about how I feel like I say thank you four thousand times a night.”

  “Exactly.”

  I paused and thought about it for a moment. “I guess it was a commentary on that, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I mean, I got it. I don’t know if anyone else did.”

  “Jonah, am I secretly a genius?”

  “No, definitely not.”

  “I mean, by all calculations, tonight was an epic failure.”

  “Was it?”

  “Yeah, I mean, I’m sort of embarrassed you saw that. It was dead. I dropped four places in the rank.”

  “Most camgirls I see have slow rooms.”

  “Yeah, but they’re not me.”

  “So do better.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “If you weren’t happy with it, do something better.”

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  I squeezed out my washcloth. My skin was still covered in ink. Yeah. It was a failure. But…

  “I think I like being an artist.”

  “You’ve always been a performer,” Jonah pointed out. “You lie like no other. Manipulate men into doing what you say. But now you’re doing it for art. For an external purpose. Not just to get things.”

  I felt something. It wasn’t boring. It might not be right. But it wasn’t wrong, either. I sat up and opened the drain, watching the purple water get sucked down around my feet. Jonah was annoying, yes. But he had good taste, and I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. Jonah liked my art. Maybe it was good. Maybe I was onto something. I felt a spark.

  I got out of the bath, wrapped myself in a towel, and called Bomb for a second opinion.

  “So you actually liked it?”

  “Yes. Your weird show was great. Super weird.”

  “But did you think it was art?” I threw myself across my bed with a sigh. I knew I sounded melodramatic. I felt melodramatic. “I really want people to take it seriously…” Bomb was only slightly older than me, but I felt like he had better taste, more experience.

  There was a long pause. Bomb rolled onto his side, positioning his phone next to his face. The only light in the room was his phone screen, lighting him with a ghostly blue.

  “I think it was great. Can I say something without you getting mad?”

  “What? Maybe.”

  Bomb hesitated. “It was starting to feel before like, maybe you weren’t so into your shows anymore. This one felt like you cared again.”

  “What? I’m always into my shows.”

  Bomb didn’t say anything.

  “Okay, so what do I do, then?” My voice was louder than I intended. “What would you do?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not, like, a camshow expert.”

  “Should I keep doing the weird shows?”

  “I think that could be cool. I think if you were really into it, your room would be, too. The money would come.”

  I considered. “Maybe. I was thinking it’d be interesting to do a show where viewers could tip me to do literally anything. But like, for a really low tip amount.”

  “That could be cool.”

  “Yeah, like a psychological experiment.”

  “They might come up with some really stupid shit. Or some messed-up shit. People are dumb.”

  “You never answered what you would do,” I pushed.

  “If I were a camgirl? I dunno. Be shocked that anyone wanted to see me naked?” Bomb panned the phone down his body: chubby, in a tight white T-shirt and pale blue boxer shorts. He grabbed his belly.

  “I’m sure lots of people want to see you naked. You have a fiancée, don’t you? You mentioned her once…”

  “I do. And she hasn’t had sex with me in seven years.”

  “Bomb! What the hell!” I knocked my hand against my phone in surprise, momentarily dropping it on the floor.

  “It’s a complicated situation.”

  “I’m sure.”

  “It is.”

  “You deserve someone who wants to have sex with you.” My words were a rush. His eyes were so kind.

  “Well, th
ank you.”

  “Wait, if you have a fiancée, where is she? Why isn’t she in bed with you?”

  Bomb shrugged. “She’s out. With this girl I’m pretty sure she’s sleeping with.”

  “What? And you’re just cool with it?” I wanted to sound casual, teasing. I didn’t want him to think I was judging him.

  “I dunno. Not really.”

  I rolled over on the bed and rested my chin in my hands. “And so you just, what, never see her?”

  “Sometimes we hang out. I dunno. I can’t just kick her out. She can’t afford to move.”

  “So you’re not together?”

  “Not really.”

  I sighed. “That’s really sad, Bomb.”

  “Yep.” He paused a moment and rubbed his face. “Anyway, listen, you’re great. I think you can figure this out.”

  “Okay fine, go to bed.”

  “I don’t need to go to bed.”

  “I can tell you need to go to bed. You’re doing your ‘I need to go to bed’ thing.”

  “Oh? And what’s that?”

  “You say something super encouraging but super blunt and you always start it with ‘anyway, listen.’”

  “I do not!” Bomb rubbed his beard and grinned at me. “Okay. Well. I do have to get up in three hours.”

  “Why do you always stay up so late to watch me, then?” I rolled over onto my stomach. I knew the answer. “Why did you answer the phone tonight?”

  “I don’t know, why would I do that?”

  “I don’t know, why would you?” I wasn’t going to say it.

  Bomb sucked in his breath and then answered softly, “Maybe because I like you, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Is that okay, that I like you?”

  “Yes, it’s okay.”

  After we said goodnight, I hung up the phone and crawled under the covers. I held my phone close to my chest. Maybe because I like you, okay.

  ×××

  It was early evening, and we were an hour into my next artistic endeavor: a “do anything” show, where viewers could tip me to do anything for one dollar. Unlike my “weird show,” my room was engaged, lively.

  “Seventy, seventy-one. Okay, that’s it, I’m done.” I did one final jumping jack and flopped down onto the floor in front of my camera, sweating through my flannel Grinch onesie. Tips rang out as my viewers tried to rouse me.

  They had already gotten me to hula-hoop naked, put on as many T-shirts as I could over each other, chug as much of a gallon of water as I could without puking, and gone back and forth yet again on whether or not I was going to shave my pubes. People were having fun.

  “Bomb, you just canceled out your own vote!” I laughed. They had been doing this for twenty minutes and the net result was thirty-five dollars in the bank and still no verdict. I wasn’t making alot of money, but I was proud that they were engaged. I was never quite sure what was coming next.

  “You guys have a serious obsession with my pubic hair.”

  A new username popped in.

  Door_Open: Hi there

  1NerdyGuy tipped 20 tokens: to ban all speak of pubic hairs ever again

  “Hi, Door! How are you?”

  Unas_bee: he can’t do that!

  RomeoTurtle: I think he can do that. Isn’t that the rule? No rules ?

  “Romeo’s right. No rules. Did you change your name SB? I love it.”

  Unas_bee: maybe :)

  Unas_bee tipped 20 tokens: I undo that tip so we can talk about pubes again

  1NerdyGuy tipped 20 tokens: I undo your undoing

  FunnyGuy tipped 2000 tokens: You can do anything, Una!

  I ignored Funny.

  Door_Open tipped 20 tokens: write slut on your cheek

  Door_Open tipped 20 tokens: in sharpie

  “Okay. Be right back!” I walked to my prop cabinet and dug around for a Sharpie. I returned, knelt in front of the camera, and attempted to write SLUT backward on my cheek, to compensate for the mirror-reversal effect of my webcam. I didn’t leave enough room for the “t” and it squeezed in lopsided between my nose and my lip.

  “Okay, done. Thanks, Door! I think it looks great.”

  Wild_West: oh no your poor face xD

  1NerdyGuy: It looks like a four-year old wrote it

  “No, it looks beautiful, Nerd,” I scolded.

  Door_Open: Yes. Beautiful.

  Door_Open tipped 1245 tokens: let’s get this beautiful slut naked.

  “Thank you, Door!” I peeled off my onesie, still sticky with sweat. “You know you only have to tip twenty tokens tonight for any request. It’s a ‘do anything’ show. No rules.”

  I sat there naked, cooling off.

  Door_Open: So I can just tip 20 for a cumshow? No count?

  “No count.” I forced a smile into the camera.

  Empi0r: how much to write on your face, slut?

  “Hi, Empi0r, welcome! I’ll do anything for a buck.” I was taken aback at being called a slut so blatantly, but then again, it was scrawled across my cheekbone.

  Empi0r tipped 20 tokens: cum dumpster. On your forehead.

  MarioLuis: that feels a bit extreme…

  Empi0r: good deal I like this girl

  What was I, if not extreme?

  I picked up the Sharpie, and I slowly wrote “cum dumpster” across my forehead in small letters. The Sharpie slid over my sweat, refusing to mark some places. I retraced it several times, leaning into my webcam like a mirror.

  Door_Open: nice one Empior

  SketchyMyspace_Tom: can I get some spanks then? With a paddle?

  SketchyMyspace_Tom tipped 20 tokens

  “Of course you can, Sketchy!” I spun around on my hands and knees and raised my hand.

  SketchyMyspace_Tom tipped 20 tokens: with a paddle?

  “Oh! Sure, sorry.” I reached over and showed Sketchy my paddle collection: a wooden paddle, a rubber paddle, the alligator skin paddle from Jiggy.

  SketchyMyspace_Tom: use the wooden one please

  “You got it.” I turned around, bent over, and paddled myself on the ass several times. “Mmmm, thank you, Sketchy. I love spanks.” I had spanked myself before on cam, probably thousands of times. It was, in fact, the thing viewers tipped me for most often. Spanks were a fun way to get my room to interact with me, and I never really thought about them too much.

  SketchyMyspace_Tom tipped 200 tokens: do some more than

  “Your wish is my command.” I spanked myself three more times.

  Door_Open tipped 200 tokens: slap your face

  “What?” I turned around and reread the message.

  Door_Open tipped 200 tokens: slap your face

  Door_Open tipped 200 tokens: whore

  “My face? Uh, okay,” I set the paddle down and slapped my cheek lightly with the palm of my hand. It stung.

  Door_Open: no, with the paddle.

  I picked up the paddle. It was a solid piece of oak, made for me by hand by one of my earliest viewers. In fact, it was only my third night camming when TownCow dropped by to let me know he made custom paddles for new girls. Days after I set up my PO box, there it was, solid wood, shining and polished. I held it next to my face. It might bruise my cheek.

  Door_Open tipped 20 tokens: do it

  “Uh, okay, sure.” Those were the rules, after all. I held the paddle awkwardly in my right hand and tapped it lightly against my cheek. “That wasn’t it, I was just getting the shot lined up.”

  Wild_West: shot lined up xD

  Unas_bee: oh don’t hurt yourself

  I swung the paddle at my face, hard. I meant to do it more lightly than I had on my ass, but it caught me off guard. A blinding blackness covered my eyes, and I felt a sensation of throbbing red in the back of my skull.

 
“Oh shit.” I dropped the paddle and blinked my eyes open, searing pain spreading across my cheek bone.

  Unas_bee: are you okay?

  Door_Open tipped 20 tokens: do it again

  PabloPickax tipped 100 tokens

  1NerdyGuy tipped 13 tokens: consolation prize

  I blinked the usernames into focus. The pain dulled down to a light sting. Everything slid sharply into focus. “Yeah, I’m okay. Okay. One second.”

  bombNo.20: really?

  1NerdyGuy: this seems unwise…

  HammerAxe tipped 20 tokens: I second that. Do it again

  “Thank you, guys.” I picked up the paddle. Tips filled the room. Twack. I let out a loud breath, dropping the paddle again. A rush. My head spun. I had hit it harder this time, the sound of wood on bone and not just skin. I blinked my eyes open.

  Glitchez22: that made me cringe

  RomeoTurtle: Hi everyone!

  “Hi, Romeo,” I scrunched up my face to try to stop the throb from spreading. “How are you?”

  Door_Open tipped 20 tokens: that was good, but this time I want you to feel it

  “What, again?” I looked desperately at my viewer count: over three hundred and growing.

  Door_Open: Yeah but feel it this time

  Empi0r tipped 20 tokens: once more from me too

  “Oh, trust me, Door, I’m feeling it.”

  Door_Open: no, you’re not.

  Door_Open tipped 20 tokens: here, do it with your ass first. Spin around.

  Curious, I picked up my paddle and got on my hands and knees, turning around and showing my bare ass to the camera.

  PabloPickax: that’s a view…

  RomeoTurtle: good, good. You?

  Door_Open: now when you spank, don’t resist it. You feel the sting, and instead of pulling away from it, sink into it. Like, embrace it

  “I have no idea what that means…” I leaned forward, lifted my hand, and twack, landed the wooden paddle hard on my ass. I tried to pay attention. I closed my eyes and felt the searing sting. He was right, my instinct was to back away from it, to try to think of something else. Instead, I focused on the pain, feeling it burn and radiate into a dull throbbing warmth. It wasn’t as bad.

  Door_Open: see the difference?

  I spun around and faced the camera. “Yeah, okay, I see what you mean. It’s weird to like, focus on pain. It’s the opposite of what your brain tells you to do.”