The One Real Regret

by Janet Nissenson

  Tears began to stream unheeded down her cheeks, and she buried her face in her hands, trying to stifle the little sobs that choked her throat. In the next moment Max was taking her in his arms, urging her head to his shoulder while he stroked her back soothingly.

  “Shh. Easy, sweet. As though I would leave without seeing you. I admittedly have many faults, Jill, and too many flaws to count, but I’m still a gentleman when it counts. And there’s no possible way I could have just left you without a word, without seeing you one more time. And, of course, there’s still the matter of that talk I promised you,” he added huskily. “So, no time like the present, hmm?”

  She nodded against his chest, then leaned into him as he guided her over to the sofa.

  “Would you like a drink?” he offered. “It’s a bit early for any alcohol, I suppose, though God knows I could use a stiff drink right about now after that wrap-up meeting this morning. Some tea or coffee, perhaps?”

  “No. Thank you,” she added, almost primly. “I’d rather just talk. Rather just get this over with. And I heard about - well, Allison. That must have been quite a scene.”

  Max nodded as he sat down beside her, pinching the bridge of his nose as though he had a headache. “Unfortunately, I was in the room at the time the CEO told her and two others that their services were no longer required, and that they needed to leave the premises immediately. The other two grumbled a bit but cooperated, but as for Ms. Sommers - well, let’s just say she showed her true colors. And that if looks could kill, I’d be dead right about now. I’m certain she blames me for her recent unemployment, though frankly I’m shocked that she was able to hold onto her job this long. And that she was able to fool everyone for so many months that she was actually qualified for that job.”

  Jill nibbled her bottom lip uncertainly. “So you didn’t recommend she was released because of - well, because of me?”

  He smiled, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’ll admit that played a part in my recommendation, if for no other reason than the satisfaction it would give me to see her get her comeuppance. But, no. I wouldn’t have used revenge as the sole motive for destroying someone’s career. There were many reasons why she needed to be let go immediately, mostly due to her incompetence in such a high profile position. Many of the poor decisions she made can be directly attributed to the dire situation the company finds itself in today.”

  “Okay.” She gave a brief nod. “I mean, as nasty and awful as she was to me, I still don’t think my conscience would have allowed me to celebrate the fact that she’s out of a job because of me. But I will definitely admit to feeling relieved that I don’t have to worry about working for her any longer. Provided, of course, that I still have a job.”

  “You do. And you will, at least through the end of the summer. If the board follows my recommendations, then making any layoffs to the part-time employees will be a very low priority. Since you don’t qualify for health or retirement benefits, it will save them more money to layoff the full-time employees first. And even if that hadn’t been the case, I would have made sure you were taken care of, Jill.”

  She frowned. “In what way? You aren’t seriously suggesting that you would have tried to give me money, are you? Because there is absolutely no way I would have ever agreed to accept - ”

  “No.” Max held up a hand to forestall whatever she might have said next. “I was not planning to write you a check, Jill, or make other financial provisions for you. All I meant was that if your job had been in immediate jeopardy, I would have been more than happy to help you find another position. I have quite a few contacts here in Seattle, all it would have taken on my part was a phone call or two. But that’s a moot point now, since everything should remain status quo for you until you graduate.”

  “Which brings us to the next subject. Our “little talk”. Which I assume is going to be about our relationship, and where we go from here. And from the look on your face - the one that someone only wears when there’s been a death in the family or something equally tragic - I’m going to guess that our relationship is going to remain anything but status quo.”

  He paused, obviously struggling with what he needed to say next. “Your guess would be correct. Our - relationship, if that’s what we can actually call it, should never have been allowed to get this far, Jill. And that’s completely my fault, one hundred percent. I knew from the first time we met how young you were, how innocent and inexperienced, and I should have stayed the hell away from you. I had no business getting involved with you, especially since I never had any intention of seeing you again after my work here was done.”

  Jill looked down to where her hands were clasped tightly on her lap, not wanting Max to see the tears that were already starting to well up in her eyes. “It takes two, you know,” she reminded him in a small voice. “I didn’t have to say yes to any of it - to dinner, to sex, to staying with you all this time.”

  “But you wanted to,” Max corrected gently. “And you said yes without any persuasion from me. I knew then that you were attracted to me, that because I was older and experienced, you were drawn to me. And while it was incredibly flattering, that a girl as young and lovely as yourself could actually want to be with me, I should have stopped things before they had a chance to even get started. I should have known better, Jill, and for that I take all the blame.”

  Her gaze flew up to meet his, shaking her head in abject denial. “No! No, Max. Why does anyone have to be blamed? Yes, I was attracted to you from the first minute we met, and when I realized the attraction was mutual it thrilled me. I couldn’t believe that a man as handsome and smart and sophisticated as you could possibly want to go out with me. And after our first night together, when you asked me to stay with you - I thought I was living a dream. You were so much more than anyone I could have ever hoped to meet, Max. I always figured my first time would be with some geeky college boy and we’d fumble through it together. And it would be messy and awkward and awful, and make me wonder what was so great about sex, and why I’d even bothered. But you - you made the whole experience beautiful and wonderful and - and extraordinary. So don’t ever try and take the so-called blame for getting involved with me, because I was every bit as much a part of it as you were.”

  He buried his face in his hands for a few moments, as if too overcome with emotion to look her in the eyes. She placed a hand on his shoulder comfortingly, and when he eventually raised his gaze to hers, Jill almost recoiled at the bleak, defeated expression on his face.

  “You,” he whispered hoarsely, “are unquestionably the most wonderful, giving, kind, and loving woman in the entire world. You have such a big heart, Jill, such a generous spirit. And you possess the capacity to love freely and unconditionally, to give of yourself without ever expecting anything in return. You’re the sort of woman a man dreams about, but never really believes actually exists. The sort of woman a man would give up everything to call his own. And while I fully realize just how special you are, what a rare and precious gift the love of a woman like you is, you need to believe me when I tell you that I’m the least worthy man in the world to be given such a gift.”

  “Max, no,” she protested, not caring this time when she felt the tears begin to slide down her cheeks.

  He cupped the side of her face in his hand, kissing away her tears. “Yes, love. There are things you don’t know about me, things that you will never know, because I’ve never told another person about them - including the two people closest to me in the world. Ugly things, Jill, things that would revolt you if you knew. They’re the reason why I’ve never allowed anyone to get too close to me, why I flat out refuse to even consider having a relationship. You’re the only woman who’s ever cohabitated with me this way, and I’ve spent more time with you than I have with any other woman in my life. I’ve been selfish, you see. Selfish and greedy and thoughtless, fooling myself for a short time that I was like other men. That I could actually be with someone. Tha
t I could even find true happiness for the first time in my life.”

  His hand fell from her face and he looked away from her again. “But when you told me you loved me the other night - well, that’s when I realized I’d been living a fantasy. That I’d foolishly let things go too far. And that it was going to be that much harder for me to tell you good-bye.”

  “No, Max. No. It doesn’t have to be that way,” pleaded Jill, taking his face between her palms resolutely and forcing him to look her in the eye. “I have no idea what these things you’re so worried about could be, but it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care what supposedly awful things you might have done or seen or said at some point in your life. I don’t care if you have some contagious disease or can’t have children or don’t like puppies. Nothing could possibly be that bad, Max. I love you so much that I could overlook anything. Forgive anything, if it meant being with you.”

  Max’s own eyes glimmered with tears. “It’s myself I can’t forgive, Jill. And you have to trust me to know what’s best for you. Certainly what’s best for myself. Because there’s no way to guarantee that I wouldn’t hurt you someday - emotionally, possibly even physically. And I’d put a knife through my own heart if that ever happened. As it is, I’m tempted to do serious bodily harm to myself right now for what I’ve done to you, for permitting things to get way too out of hand between us. And I don’t expect you to understand or agree, and definitely not to forgive me for what I’ve done. But you have to trust me when I say that leaving you, giving you up, is the right thing to do. For both of us.”

  She shook her head stubbornly. “I don’t believe that for a minute. And I don’t understand why you can’t tell me the reason you’re so adamant about this, why you can’t confide in me about these supposedly awful things you’ve done. Shouldn’t I have some say in this, after all? Why don’t you just tell me and let me be the judge as to whether or not I can deal with it?”

  “Because you can’t handle it,” he retorted bluntly. “Because you’re the sort of person who will always find the good in everyone, will always give them the benefit of the doubt, and believe that they can change. Just a few minutes ago you were worried that I’d deliberately recommended Allison be fired because she had been so awful to you. You were feeling sorry for a woman who doesn’t have a single ounce of compassion in her body. You’re light and sunshine and love, Jill, while I’m just the opposite. You don’t know the things I’ve done and said, the life I’ve led, the things I’m capable of doing. And I won’t - can’t - discuss those with you. Can’t bear to see the look of revulsion on your face when you realize what I’m really like on the inside. I won’t subject you to my darkness, won’t take the risk that I might dim some of that bright light that surrounds you wherever you go.”

  She was weeping now, her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs. “I’ll take the risk,” she whispered brokenly. “Just tell me, Max. Let me be the judge of what I can and can’t handle. Let me make my own decisions.”

  “No.” His denial was abrupt, but forceful. “I already know you wouldn’t be able to handle it, Jill. You’re so damned young and vulnerable, too forgiving and tenderhearted. So I’m making the decision for both of us. This ends now. These past weeks have been the most wonderful I’ve ever known, but I’ve been fooling myself all along into thinking I could be with someone like you. That I could be with anyone. You might not agree with me now, Jill, but eventually you’ll see that this was all for the best.”

  “How can you say that?” she sobbed. “I love you, Max, with all my heart. A heart that you’re breaking into a million little pieces right now. Please give us a chance. Give me a chance. Don’t just walk out that door and tell me I’m never going to see or hear from you again. You and I were meant to be together, I felt it the first time our hands touched, and I know you did, too. So don’t you dare lie to me about that, Max Wainwright. Don’t you dare.”

  “All you felt was a physical attraction,” he admonished. “And I won’t deny that there was a definite spark there, a very strong one. But that’s all it was, Jill. You’re mistaking sex for love right now. Admittedly, very, very good sex, but nothing more. That, of course, plus the fact that I was the first for you, the man you gave your virginity to. And I was too damned flattered by the thought that you trusted me enough to say no to you. But I won’t be that weak any longer. I’m not the man for you, Jill, no matter what you might feel now. One day you’ll see that, too, and be grateful I ended things. You deserve a man who can give you everything you want from life - a husband, children, stability, love.”

  Jill placed her hand over his heart. “You could give me all of those things, too,” she murmured stubbornly. “We could have that sort of life together, make a family together. But you insist on shutting me out, on keeping your secrets, and not allowing yourself to be loved. What happened to you, Max, that you feel so unworthy of being loved? Because from everything I’ve come to know about you these past weeks, I’ve never known someone so much in need of love as you are.”

  Max took her hand in his, gripping it so hard that she winced. “I am unworthy. Especially of a woman like you. And I wouldn’t have the faintest idea of how to love you back, Jill”

  A single tear plopped from her chin onto their co-joined hands, and he groaned as he bent down to lick it away.

  “Then what was last night all about?” she challenged, her voice cracking. “If you don’t love me, can’t love me, then what did last night mean?”

  He had been especially tender and gentle with her last night, perhaps even more so than on the night he’d taken her virginity. He had taken his time with her, his hands and lips lingering over her body, arousing her slowly and deliberately. The sensuous, mindful foreplay had gone on for what felt to Jill like an hour or more, and by the time Max had finally slid inside of her, she had been trembling all over with need.

  And that had only been the first time. He had been insatiable last night, taking her a total of three times, not counting the long minutes he’d feasted on her pussy and brought her to orgasm over and over using his lips and tongue. It had seemed like mere minutes after he had reached a climax that he was hard again, his mouth returning to claim hers in a series of long, drugging kisses, his hands squeezing her swollen breasts, his tongue licking her nipples until they were reddened and sore. Her legs had felt like limp noodles when he had finally finished with her, her vagina tender and maybe even a bit bruised. She’d been so exhausted by his demands that she hadn’t been able to open her eyes when he had cleaned her up the last time, brushing the damp, tangled strands of her hair from her face, and kissing her softly on each eyelid. And just before she’d fallen into a deep, dreamless sleep, a smile had softened her face as she’d thought that a man couldn’t possibly have been as wonderful and affectionate and attentive as Max had been that night unless he loved a woman at least a little. Apparently, though, she’d been wrong.

  Max used his thumb to whisk her tears away, but they continued to fall faster than he could manage. “Last night,” he rasped, “was good-bye. My way of showing you how much I’ve cherished our time together, Jill. How much I’ve cherished you.”

  “Cherished. But not loved,” she pointed out stubbornly. “God, do you even know the difference, Max? Because last night felt an awful lot like love to me.”

  He dropped his hand as though it had been singed, and surged to his feet. “That’s because you’re a silly, naïve little girl,” he snapped. “You persist in believing that everything in this world is all daffodils and sunshine, and won’t accept the fact that some people can’t be saved. So my advice to you is to learn a lesson from all of this. Time for you to grow up, little girl. Time for you to toughen up.”

  Jill stared at him in horror, unable to believe that this suddenly cold, hard stranger was the same man who’d kissed her so sweetly last night, who had whispered to her soothingly while her body had trembled in the throes of an orgasm.

  “You ba
stard,” she whispered, watching numbly as he shrugged on his overcoat. “You goddamned, unfeeling, horrible bastard.”

  Max’s eyes widened in shock at hearing her swear for the very first time. “Jill. Don’t.”

  “I will if I want to!” she yelled. “Don’t you dare tell me what I can do, Maxwell Wainwright! I had more than enough of that bullshit from my grandmother, so I don’t need you reprimanding me now. And - and,” she sniffled, beginning to weep anew, “now you’ve not only broken my heart, but you’ve made me swear out loud for the first time in my life. I’m not sure which of those two things I should hate you the most for.”

  “Both,” he replied tersely. “Those and a whole lot more. I’m not worthy of your love, Jill. And sooner than later I expect you’ll realize that all too clearly.”

  He paused in the foyer, hooking the strap of his laptop bag over one shoulder before dealing with the rest of his luggage. He kept his back to her as he opened the front door.

  “There’s no need for you to rush out of here, by the way. The suite is actually reserved for me for the rest of the weekend, so you can feel free to stay here until check-out on Sunday. You can use the pool and the gym, and charge whatever you like to the room.”

  She felt frozen all over, hardly able to believe he could stand there so dispassionately and talk about hotel amenities as though he hadn’t just caused her whole world to come crashing down. When she didn’t reply, Max half turned to glance back at her, his expression somber.

  “Good-bye, Jill. Thank you for the loveliest time of my life. I won’t forget you. Ever.”

  And with those parting words, Max walked out the door and out of her life, the sound of the door shutting behind him the most ominous Jill had ever heard.

  Chapter Sixteen

  One Month Later – San Francisco