The One Real Regret

by Janet Nissenson

  Jill popped a marinated olive in her mouth, licking the oil from her fingers. The seemingly innocent little gesture was nonetheless more than enough to arouse him, remembering how eager she’d been to suck his cock, how he’d taught her to please him, and how quickly she’d learned. Max had never thought of himself as an especially passionate or highly sexual man, and sex had typically been something of an afterthought for him, something that was enjoyable but never necessary. But being with Jill for those two and a half magical weeks in Seattle had changed all that, had made him crave her like a man possessed. What he’d shared with her had been so special, so rare and precious, that he had never once been tempted to settle for something he knew would be so much less, so profoundly lacking and utterly disappointing.

  There had been no other woman for him since that last night with Jill, the time he’d made love to her with exquisite tenderness and patience, The night when he’d nearly been brought to tears, knowing full well that this would be their final night together, the last time he would permit himself to see her. And it had been the night when he had very nearly whispered “I love you” to her, stopping himself just in time.

  Because he had loved her, in spite of trying to convince himself otherwise all these years. Seeing her again like this, remembering how happy he’d been during their brief time together, brought all of those old feelings back tenfold. But admitting the fact that he had loved her all along wouldn’t do him a bit of good at this point. He had ruined it all, because he’d been too afraid of trusting anyone, too stubborn to let someone care about him. And now Jill would only look at him with disdain if he even tried to express his feelings, because she had done what he’d been incapable of doing all these years - moving on with her life, being happy, and finding someone else to care for.

  She’d eaten nearly half the platter of food before she pushed it away with a shudder. “No more. It’s all delicious, but I literally cannot eat another bite.”

  “What about another glass of wine?” he inquired politely. “Or do you still limit yourself to just one at a time?”

  Jill regarded him curiously. “You remember that, do you? I’m surprised.”

  “Of course I remember,” he replied quietly. “I remember a great many things about you, Jill. Why would you think I didn’t?”

  She shrugged carelessly. “Maybe because you cut me out of your life so completely. So coldly. So cruelly.”

  Max winced at the sharpness of her tone. “You won’t believe me, of course, but I thought at the time it was for your own good.”

  “Well, it wasn’t,” she snapped. “You broke my heart, Max. Broke me. I was a mess for months after you just walked out of my life, after you blocked my calls and texts, and acted like none of it had mattered to you in the least. You were too stubborn to listen to my side of things, too pigheaded to even consider discussing everything rationally. And it was pretty obvious that you never really cared for me, much less trusted me. Because if you’d had any feelings for me at all you would have told me the truth. The real truth, and not those flimsy excuses and reasons that weren’t even reasons. And, yes, I think I need another glass of wine.”

  Numbly, he motioned the waiter over and ordered two more glasses. He stared at Jill in shock after her uncharacteristic outburst. But then, how did he even know any longer if that sort of thing was normal for her these days? It was obvious she wasn’t the same shy, uncertain girl he’d once known, that she had matured into a much more assertive and self-assured woman. And judging from the fierce glare she was directing his way, she wasn’t the least bit intimidated by him any longer.

  “I’m sorry,” was all he could think of to mumble, knowing how woefully inadequate his apology sounded.

  She glowered at him but kept silent until the waiter returned with their wine. She took a couple of sips before speaking again.

  “If we’re going to work together, even if it’s just for a few days,” she began in a calm, controlled manner, “then we need to get some ground rules established. And the very first rule, the most important one, is that any further discussion of what happened in Seattle is strictly off limits. Agreed?”

  Max hesitated, knowing that he owed her a much more in depth explanation for his actions four years ago, as well as a far more satisfactory apology. But judging from the mutinous look in her eyes, he decided to hold his tongue for the time being.

  “All right,” he agreed easily. “Whatever will make this easier for you, Jill. I’m willing to go along with whatever terms you dictate.”

  She gave a derisive little snort. “Well, that’s certainly a first, isn’t it? But, no. We’ve just agreed not to bring up the past. So, that’s what we’ll do then. For however long you’re going to be at Celex, you and I are going to avoid each other as much as possible. Unfortunately, there’s no way around us spending at least some time together, I estimate a full day, possibly two. I considered pleading my case with Jacob, but that would have meant telling him you and I were, um, involved a few years ago. And while my boss is very understanding, very supportive, he would still insist that I got over any antagonism I might feel toward you and act like a professional for the good of the company.”

  “I think that’s some wise advice you just gave yourself,” he commented, trying very hard to keep his tone neutral. “Though I’ll admit I considered telling Jacob that I’d had second thoughts and couldn’t take the assignment after all.”

  Jill sipped her wine. “So you don’t want to work with me anymore than I do with you, hmm?”

  Max arched a brow in surprise. “That’s not it at all. Unlike you, I don’t have a problem with the idea of us working together for a couple of days. But I realize how upsetting this must be for you, Jill. I only considered declining the job for your sake. And I can still do so, if that makes your life easier.” He placed a hand over hers lightly, his voice gentling as he added, “The very last thing I intend to do is make you feel uncomfortable. Or to distress you more than I already have. So if you’d prefer I didn’t take this assignment, just say the word and I’ll call Jacob immediately.”

  She stared at him in stunned disbelief for long seconds, and the rather antagonistic expression that she’d been sporting since her arrival faded away. She lowered her gaze, then glanced away, and when she finally spoke her voice was unsteady.

  “Max. You - I can’t believe you’d do that for me,” she murmured, shaking her head. “And while I appreciate the sentiment, it’s not necessary. I really think we can make this work. So long as we keep our focus strictly on work, that is. I - I don’t want to talk about Seattle. It took me a long time to get over what happened, and I’m in a good place right now in my life. A happy place. Dredging up the past would be a very bad thing.”

  “Then we won’t do it,” he agreed simply. “So, why don’t you tell me instead about your job and how you managed to get Celex’s finances in such top notch shape in less than two years?”

  Jill brightened instantly and for the next half hour they chatted amiably about the financial strategies she’d employed to make sure Celex continued to grow and prosper while also expanding slowly but surely. Max was more than a little in awe of her brilliance, thinking as he listened to her intently that he might have just met his intellectual match. He thought briefly about what an invaluable asset she would be to his own business, of how stimulating it would be to have her working beside him. They could travel together on these trips, complete the assignments in half the time with both of them working in unison. Her companionship would make his otherwise lonely travels so much more enjoyable, especially if she could ever find it in her heart to forgive him for what he’d -

  “Max? Did you hear what I just said?” asked Jill urgently.

  He gave himself a mental shake, rather appalled that he’d allowed his imagination to wander off in the sort of direction it had no business venturing into. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I got distracted for a moment.”

  Hastily,
he fabricated some question about Celex’s projected returns for the first quarter of the year, ignoring the rather odd look she gave him. As their conversation picked up where it had left off, Max was still left feeling confused and distinctly out of sorts about his wayward thoughts of just a few minutes ago. ‘Where in hell,’ he thought in bemusement, ‘did all of that come from? You’ve always been adamant about working alone, about never taking on a partner. As far as having Jill travel with you, not to mention the extra, er, perks that could entail - well, you’ve seen and heard for yourself, mate, just how unlikely that scenario would be. She might be willing to work with you - though willing is stretching it a bit - but anything more is strictly off the table. Face it, mate. You ruined everything a long time ago, ruined any chance you might have had of being happy, because you were too damned stubborn and proud to tell Jill about your past. She’s very obviously moved on and put the past behind you. Now you just need to find a way to do the same thing.’

  But as their conversation continued, and a second glass of wine became a third, Max found it increasingly more difficult to remember his good intentions where Jill was concerned. The wine had relaxed her considerably, to the point where she was laughing and smiling easily, her cheeks flushed rosily, and her pale green eyes sparkled. And though they kept the conversation strictly about business, he longed to brush his knuckles along that rosy cheek, or interlace their fingers together, or lean over and place a soft kiss on her plush lips. He hadn’t felt this sort of attraction towards a woman in four years, since the last time he’d been with Jill, and he became uncomfortably aware of the growing erection that pressed insistently against the crotch of his trousers.

  The sudden buzzing of Jill’s phone interrupted whatever she had been about to say as she quickly read over the incoming message. She gave Max an apologetic, almost guilty look as she murmured, “Sorry, I need to answer this. It’ll just take a minute.”

  He nodded, pulling out his own phone to check for any messages while he gave her some privacy. He assumed the text was from the man in her life, the one she hadn’t discussed except for the brief mention about their living arrangements. Max supposed he ought to take it as a positive sign that she wasn’t cohabitating with him, though there had been a comment about Tyler wanting to change that arrangement. He hadn’t been able to determine from Jill’s rather hasty remark if she shared her boyfriend’s sentiment or not.

  “Okay. All done,” she announced now, setting her phone aside. “Sorry for the interruption.”

  “Don’t give it a second thought,” he assured her. “Was that your - er, Tyler?”

  Her rosy cheeks flushed an even deeper shade of pink as she gave a quick nod. “It was, yes. He was just checking in since he hadn’t heard from me. I usually text him or call when I get home from work.”

  Max did his damndest to sound nonchalant. “I hope our little talk this evening didn’t interfere with any plans the two of you might have had.”

  “No.” Jill shook her head. “In fact, Tyler is at a basketball game this evening with two of his brothers. The game is about to begin, so he wanted to text me before it started.”

  “Two of his brothers? That implies there are more.”

  Jill grinned. “He’s from a big family, seven siblings in all - four boys and three girls. Gatherings at his parents house can be pretty chaotic, especially since five of the seven kids are married and have children of their own.”

  “Hmm.” Max finished his wine, suddenly wishing for something a whole lot stronger. His next question had to be asked, though he feared he would regret hearing the answer. “Should I assume that the pressure is on Tyler and his unmarried sibling to join the ranks of the others?”

  Jill’s smile faded abruptly and she gave a slight shrug. “I suppose. Though his family is too polite to bring it up when I’m around. Tyler - well, he’s brought the subject of marriage up to me a few times, especially over the last couple of months.”

  He picked up her left hand, ignoring her little gasp of protest as he studied her slim, graceful, and fortunately ring-less fingers. “And what are your feelings on the subject, Jill?”

  She tried to tug her hand away, frowning when he only tightened his grip. “I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “But I also know it’s not something I’m going to discuss with you, Max. Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s really none of your business.”

  “You’re absolutely right.” He let go of her hand reluctantly before reaching for his wallet. “Forgive me for asking. I’m happy you’ve found someone that you care for, Jill. Someone who obviously cares a great deal about you, too. Because you deserve to be happy more than anyone I’ve ever known.”

  Max signaled for the check, handing his credit card to the waiter when he arrived. Jill remained silent as he signed the credit slip, her expression pensive, almost somber.

  “We should go,” announced Max, picking up her coat as he stood. “I’ve kept you long enough, and I have some work to get through this evening.”

  “Of course.” She held out her arms as he helped her with the coast. “Thank you for the wine and the food. And for being so cooperative about working together. I wasn’t so certain before I arrived, but after talking with you I’m sure we’ll be able to work together well.”

  “I never had a single doubt about it, but I’m glad I was able to relieve your worries,” he told her. “Now, let me get a taxi for you. I’m headed in the exact opposite direction, otherwise I’d suggest we share a ride.”

  Jill shook her head. “I’ll just catch an Uber, it’s easier.”

  To prove her point she took out her phone, tapped in a few brief entries, and then smiled triumphantly.

  “My ride will be here in less than four minutes,” she announced cheerfully.

  He smiled, placing a hand on the small of her back as they exited the wine bar. “Same with my taxi. Would you rather wait indoors where it’s warmer?”

  “No, it feels good to get some fresh air, actually. I probably shouldn’t have had that third glass of wine,” she confessed.

  Max frowned. “You’re not feeling dizzy or sick, are you? Because I can have the taxi follow you home, make sure you get inside your apartment safely, and - ”

  Jill held up a hand to interrupt. “I’m fine,” she laughed. “Fortunately, I’ve learned how to hold my liquor a lot better than I did when you knew me. Though I’ll probably sleep real well tonight.”

  “I’m glad one of us will,” he replied curtly, then waved a hand in dismissal. “Never mind. Forget I said that, will you?”

  She studied his face in concern. “”Do you have trouble sleeping, Max? I never remember that being an issue for you. I mean, well..”

  “I know what you meant, Jill,” he told her gently. “And to answer your first question - I’m not sure I’ve had a full good night’s sleep in four years.”

  “Four years,” she whispered, her flushed cheeks suddenly paling and her eyes widening in alarm.

  Unable to resist, Max cupped her cheek in his palm, not giving a damn that she belonged to someone else now.

  “Since the last time you and I were together,” he confirmed. “I’ve been tormented every night since then with guilt and doubts and second thoughts. I’ve had to make some very difficult choices in my life, Jill, some that you can’t even begin to imagine. But I’ve never regretted a single one of them. Except for the choice I made to walk out of that hotel suite in Seattle. It’s been the one real regret I’ve ever made in my life, and I’ve had to live with the consequences of that decision for the last four years. I’ll probably have to live with the regret for the rest of my life. Here’s your ride.”

  He took a step back, not daring to say another word, knowing that he had already said far, far too much. Jill was staring at him wide-eyed, even as she began inching towards the car that was idling at the curb.

  “Max, I - I don’t know what - what to say,” she stammered faintly.
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br />   “Don’t say anything,” he replied firmly. “I’ve said more than enough as it is. Good night, Jill. I’ll see you at the office tomorrow.”

  She opened her mouth as though she was about to say something, and he could swear he saw the shimmer of tears in her eyes beneath the dim glow of the street lights. Instead, she squared her shoulders and slid inside the car, leaving Max to hope he just hadn’t made an already difficult situation that much worse.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “How awesome this is, having the group back together. Just like old times. Well, except for Tam, of course, but I’m guessing she’s forgotten all about us by now,” lamented Shoshana.

  Casey nodded as she dunked a tortilla chip into the bowl of salsa. “Sweetie, she forgot about us the day she got on that plane to Minnesota.”