Arousal

by A. C. Rose

“No. We’re done here.” I kept walking out the door so he wouldn’t see my weakening resolve.

  “This is not done.” He was pleading more than bossing me around. “It’s a stupid mistake. We can fix it.”

  “Whose stupid mistake? Yours? You accused me of tempting your cousin when you gave me no indication that there was anything to be warned about. I don’t need this soap opera. You said it was my choice, and my choice is this: I decline date six.”

  I couldn’t bear seeing the angst deeply etched on Nicolai’s face. But I also could not accept his bad behavior.

  I raced out of the apartment, down the stairs, and, started jogging down 44th Street toward First Avenue and the United Nations building. I had no idea where I was going until I recalled the house of worship on 47th Street. I’d been to the beautiful garden outside the rectory but had never been inside the church. Ironically, it was the United Nations Parish. I sprinted there, went through the garden, and found my way into the side door. I needed sanctuary.

  Although the garden was green and filled with beautiful foliage and a cozy bench, the church was high tech inside. A tall, modern, metal sculpture of Jesus took up most of the wall behind the pulpit. Next to it was a smaller, sculpted cross. Even the stained glass windows and etchings on the walls had a contemporary look.

  I was grateful to find it completely empty.

  When I got in the door, I bent over, completely out of breath. I could barely get my wind back as I walked up the aisle, holding on to the tops of each green-velvet covered pew as I made my way to the last. I slid in and sat for a few moments, huffing and puffing as I recovered from my run. Once the oxygen returned to my brain I decided to take this time to figure out my next steps.

  I needed to light a candle. Lighting candles always made me feel good for some reason. Maybe it was because my grandmother used to take me to light candles and say a prayer when I was a little girl. I hadn’t been inside a church since then. I approached the altar, in the middle of the church, with its rows of red glass candleholders. All but one was in use. The “flames” were electronic. It took me a moment to figure out how it worked. With the push of a button I turned on the light of the last candle, in the top row.

  “I know I don’t come here often,” I murmured, watching it flicker. “But I need help figuring out what to do.”

  I searched in my purse for my wallet and grabbed a few singles and then folded and slid the bills into the metal donation box. When I returned my wallet, I felt a pen and it gave me an idea. Walking the aisle back to the last row of pews, I noticed a flyer for an upcoming service. I turned it over to find the other side blank and decided to write a list of Pros and Cons about Nicolai. I made a column for each on the paper and hoped it was not bad form that I used a Bible on my lap as a surface for writing.

  My first thought was that I must be desperate for love. How else could I fall for this gorgeous, sweet-talking Transylvanian and get involved with this peculiar family situation? And what about Nicolai’s anger and jealous streak? Suddenly, I felt I didn’t know him at all. I wrote down all the bad stuff under the “Con” side of the page.

  Possessive, controlling, and jealous.

  Too into my business.

  Possibly delusional.

  Driven by mission for grandmother.

  Dysfunctional family relationships.

  Withholds important information.

  Tells me important things on a need to know basis.

  Pushing me to make big life choice on deadline.

  Distracted me from work and endangered my job.

  I didn’t ask for him to find me.

  I never wanted to have feelings for him.

  It never feels like he is giving me enough time to get to know him.

  I felt horrible when I finished but was compelled to write the “Pro” list to try to feel a little better.

  I like to be with him.

  He seems to care about me and thinks I am important.

  Our long, unusual relationship talks are interesting.

  There is an ease of intimacy and a desire for more.

  His hand kisses are sexy as well as all his kisses.

  His touch, on the curve of my back, feels so right.

  My body always leans toward his.

  I’ve never desired anyone the way I desire him.

  The way he looks at me.

  Making love with him would make me happy.

  I always wish we had more time to get to know each other.

  The lists were neck and neck but I had to choose the one with the most entries. That would be the “Con” list with twelve even. I re-read it and thought back to what had happened earlier in my apartment. Even with all I loved about Nicolai there were too many problems—especially for someone who had no interest in being in love in the first place.

  I reconfirmed my decision: date six was not happening. This relationship was not happening. Nicolai was not taking over my life. I took a deep breath and walked out the side door, checking my watch. I had been there for thirty minutes.

  I breathed in the fresh air and squinted in the sun. I felt relieved.

  Nicolai was waiting for me in the church courtyard, sitting on the bench in the garden. I guess the vampire in him could not risk coming in and getting near the crosses. Or maybe he was just giving me some space.

  The minute he saw me, he stood from the bench and planted his feet on the ground. He looked shaken and, for a moment, a little shy.

  A deep, deep sadness came over me for what I had to do, but I knew it was right. “This won’t work, Nicolai,” I said softly. It was hard to face him, but I looked directly into his beautiful eyes. It was painful to see the sadness reflected back.

  “It will work, and it is already working.” He was insistent, and suddenly channeling the Nicolai I first met earlier in the week. “Don’t throw our relationship away.”

  I didn’t want to be dismissive, but I didn’t know how else to part.

  “This is not a relationship.” I raised my head high and straightened my posture. “This is six days and two lives, rushed together, with one party not feeling comfortable with the ride.”

  “Will you ever be comfortable with someone loving you?” He shot back, moving closer to where I was standing.

  “Maybe not.” I took two steps backward, and contemplated returning to the church.

  “You’re out of your comfort zone.” He inched closer. “I know I am far from perfect and I lay a whole new set of challenges at your feet. But what about your resistance to love?” A sudden wind blew through the garden, lifting my hair off my shoulders for a moment. He reached for an out of place strand and gently tucked it behind my ear. He was so close I could feel his breath on my skin. “I suspect you would find any excuse to get out of taking the risk of giving your heart.”

  “You may be right, but it’s my prerogative. I’m entitled to decline love,” I said, summoning my courage. I grabbed a few leaves off of a nearby hedge and rolled them between my fingers as if it would give me strength. “You came into my life and threw me into a tizzy with your demands and plans. Then you come to my house today and act like a scary Neanderthal. And now you are stalking me outside a church. Why can’t you be a normal boyfriend?”

  “Because your normal boyfriends,” he said, edging his body closer, “are gone in five days. I want more from you.”

  “This,” I said, pointing from him and then at myself, “is not all about what you want.”

  He tilted his head up to the sun and pursed his lips as he took a deep breath. His exhale was loud, impatient. “I want to spend the rest of my days making you happy, giving you want you want. It’s been like wrestling with demons to get this far, and I am still fighting to simply spend this day with you.” He put his hand to his temples and massaged them for a moment.

  “How am I supposed to know, in six short dates, who you really are?” Now I was irked. “How do I know you won’t be a horror show on day seven or turn out to be a raging narcis
sist who will try to control me the rest of my life?”

  “By this,” he said, grabbing my hand and putting it on his heart. “This is pure and it beats for you.” He gazed deeply into my eyes and held my hand in place inside his suit jacket and over his shirt. As it pumped beneath my touch I remembered when our hearts beat so close together, and how good it felt. I knew how much he wanted me to believe he was sincere. But I couldn’t believe this was a fairytale with a happy ending. Real life, my real life, was crumbling. Even if we did get together, he would leave me some day. There was only one way to bypass the pain.

  I pulled my hand back as if I’d touched a hot stove and turned on my heel to leave. I speed-walked out of the church garden, onto the tree-lined street, and made a left toward First Avenue. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Nicolai’s limo. Turning, I saw Sam, following me slowly in the car as I moved on foot.

  “Are you kidding me, Sam?” I shouted at the car as it pulled alongside me. “You’re following me?”

  “You should know by now I never kid, Ms. Monroe.” I heard the voice behind me. Nicolai was following me too, on foot.

  It made me melt when he said my name that way and reminded me of the command he’d had on me all week. But I had to resist him. Don’t even look back! I didn’t want to turn, but I did.

  “Just let this whole thing go,” I pleaded, moving faster. “Let me go.”

  “I cannot.” He was resolute. The look on his face was focused and determined as he pursued me.

  “Because you need a wife, an heir, a replacement for your grandmother, another dependent for your income tax? What?” I kept walking fast, though my head was tilted, looking back at him. “What else do you want from me?”

  “I want you.” He was moving faster, breathing harder. “It’s you. Please believe me, Allison.” Now he was back to my first name, which always seemed so intimate.

  “I don’t know what to believe anymore.” I tried to move faster, get far away from his grip, but his legs were longer than mine. My heart was thumping wildly. “I don’t even remember how I let myself get so involved with you.”

  “I will have to help you remember.” He closed the space between us with one huge step and moved in quickly. He took hold of my face and pressed his lips to mine. Then in came his tongue, kissing me deeply, reminding me of the things he could make me feel. My body went along with him until my mind snapped out it.

  “No, that’s it. No more.” I pushed my hands against his chest and backed away.

  “Please don’t run,” he pleaded, reaching for my hand. I remembered him mouthing those words to me last night and it broke my heart. “We’ve made it past the fifth day. We can break this pattern, together.”

  “No, I’m not built for this. I’m not built for … love.” I bolted.

  I headed down the street, running toward—anywhere. He chased me. Even though it was weirdly romantic, I kept going and going until I felt him along side of me again.

  “We need to talk,” he said, scooping me up in his arms like a fireman carrying someone to safety. “Now.”

  “You’re a freaking caveman.” I tried to squirm away from his strong grip, but it was too tight and he was holding me hard against his chest. “And a vampire!”

  “Yes, perhaps. But we still have things to discuss,” he was trying to catch his breath, but it didn’t stop him from capturing me. “You leave me no choice but to take a caveman approach to having a conversation. So I will ask you in advance to forgive me because this is going to piss you off.”

  He carried me to the corner, where the limo was now waiting. Random people, mothers with carriages, and a group of Japanese tourists were watching from the park area across the street as if this romantic drama was a theater performance.

  “This is kidnapping,” I snarled at him.

  “This is claiming what’s mine.” He kept moving with my full weight in his arms and still kept his gaze on my eyes as he spoke. “This is me not letting you get away because I … I love you.”

  His words scared and excited me.

  “I told you before, love is not about taking a hostage.” I looked away, avoiding eye contact. I didn’t want to melt beneath his gaze.

  We reached the car and he put me down, keeping one arm on my side. I suppose he was afraid I might bolt again. Perhaps he read my mind.

  “Maybe we are both love hostages,” he said, opening the limo door. “Join me, and we can talk this through like adults.”

  I slid into the limo, too tired to run. A part of me no longer wanted to. “I’m so mad I could scream,” I said, folding my arms. They heaved up and down over my chest as I tried to catch my breath. Anger boiled beneath my skin, but I couldn’t figure out what made me madder—his behavior and tactics or the fact that I was having trouble letting him go.

  “Let me be the one to make you scream.” He leaned across the seat, his mouth angled close to my ear and breath so close. “Or scream your anger at. But please, don’t run away from me. I lost my temper this morning. I screwed up. I’m sorry.”

  He pulled me into his arms. I tried to resist, but then, all of a sudden, it felt so good to be close. “This is too much for me.” It came out on a huge sigh and a shaky voice. “I am a New York girl who loves her city and her independence. I am not wife or countess material.”

  “You don’t fully know what you can become yet and neither do I,” he said, affectionately rubbing my right arm and pulling me closer. “A few days ago, I loved the concept of you, and the promise of you, but now I’m in love with you. I am becoming the man I’m meant to be. Maybe my love can help you grow. I’ve been so busy trying to win your affection that I’ve not showered you with the love you deserve. All I want is to show you how deeply I can cherish you.”

  “There you go with that sweet talk, again,” I said. “It fucks with my defenses.”

  “It’s supposed to,” he laughed. “Courtship is supposed take down defenses and build affection. Fights are supposed to inspire make-up sex and closeness. You are looking for guarantees of perfection. Relationships aren’t perfect, even after ten or twenty years.”

  He hit a nerve. It dawned on me that we had experienced more intimacy in this limo in less than one week than many people do after long periods of time together.

  He waited for me to react.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” He paused but I kept quiet. “Maybe we can share more over breakfast? Will you agree to a meal with me?”

  I lifted my chin upward to look at his face. He looked relaxed, now that he wasn’t running, in hot pursuit of me. He looked happy to have me in his arms. It was so easy to fall back under his spell.

  “I guess a girl’s got to eat.” I was starving from all the exercise and emotional drama.

  “Good.” He sat up straight and pulled out his phone. “While we’re there, I need to send my security team to your apartment to make sure there are no cameras or recording devices hidden by the scoundrel or anyone else he may have allowed in during the night.”

  I leaned deeply into the back seat and sighed. I was finally feeling calmer and didn’t want to remember the weirdness of last night and this morning. But there was no getting away from it. My mind flashed to the pros and cons list I’d shoved into my purse after writing it in the church. Despite all the good things on my pros list, this moment was reminding me that, at the end of the day, they will probably still be outweighed by the bad stuff.

  “Security people at my house?” I hated the idea. “That’s creepy.”

  “Unfortunately, he’s betrayed my trust.” The look on his face was serious, but I could tell he was also disappointed and saddened. “I have to assume the worst and protect you. He’s family. This is hard for me, but it’s unacceptable to leave you vulnerable again.”

  Nicolai called his head of security. When the call ended, he asked me for my key.

  “Don’t they have a way of changing the locks without me even knowing?” I didn’t hide my sarcasm. “Isn’t that your u
sual approach?”

  “Very funny,” he said. “It may seem hard to believe but this, and everything I am doing is about protecting you.”

  With his gaze on my eyes, he held the palm of his hand open. I placed my keys in it and gazed right back at him. Surrender. That’s what this was.

  But ultimately, did I want a life in which there was a need to be protected? I didn’t want him to have to save me in order to survive in the world.

  He opened the privacy window and handed my keys to Sam to take to the team. Then he instructed him to head to the next location. We sat in silence the whole way there.

  I kept reading the list of cons in my head. It was running through my mind on an endless loop, reminding me what a mess this was. The motion of the car coming to a halt roused me from my thoughts but I sensed that the energy between us had changed. I was sure that breakfast would be our last time together and I was sad. Very sad.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  When he opened the limo door for me I immediately recognized the location. We were in front of the building where we first met.

  He placed his hand on my lower back and guided me inside, to the elevator. As we waited, he reached for my hand. When the car arrived, we stepped in together. And there we stood in the overwhelming hall of mirrors where his kiss activated a chain of events that led to this moment. He didn’t kiss me, but he made love to me with his eyes the whole seventy-seven floor ride.

  We were back at Club Kismet.

  I raised my eyebrows and looked his way. “Why are we here?”

  “They have Sunday brunch on the outdoor patio,” he said, apparently excited to return to the scene of his first seduction. “Let’s share a meal and a little bit of conversation, and see how things go. If you still hate me afterward, I will let you go—and never bother you again—if that is what you wish.”

  I didn’t hate him. I wished I did or could. Just being with him in this place was instilling quite the opposite feeling. Clearly he knew bringing me back to the scene of the first incident would remind me of how impossible it was for me to resist him that night.