Her father shifted to the side, blocking her view of Jackson. “My daughter is upset. You didn’t tell me you would not even make an attempt at being a real husband. I—”
“Papi.” Resting her hand on his shoulder, she moved to face her husband. “I think Jackson and I need to work this out.”
The men held a hard stare for several heartbeats. “Please, Papi.”
He jerked his stubborn chin down. “Sí. Don’t mistake this. She is my daughter and my most precious treasure. I will see her happy. Whatever it takes.” With that her father left the barn.
“Jackson, I—”
“Sofia, I have to apologize. I shouldn’t have married you. I thought we could... I don’t know what I thought.” He closed the space between them but left enough that it might as well have been a canyon. “Do you want an annulment?”
She wanted to yell no, but her throat closed out any words or air. All she could do was look at him. She was married to this gorgeous man who had treated her with respect on the trail, but he wasn’t hers. She wanted him to be her husband. She wanted him to love her. It wasn’t fair to him that her feelings changed. She wanted more than he had offered.
No! But that word had to be swallowed down. “I don’t know.” His green eyes penetrated right through her heart. She held her breath.
A nod was the only response she got. After a few minutes that felt like hours of silence, he cleared his throat. “I like your new clothes. They fit better than the boy’s garb, but they are more practical than the dress.”
She nodded. “The boots you gave me are a perfect fit.”
His head bobbed up and down, mirroring hers. Silence lingered, filling the space. The stallion took a step toward her, lowering his neck.
“Hey, big boy.” She rubbed his jaw as he nudged her in the chest with his wide forehead.
“He always liked you. Heard you rode him while I was in San Antonio.” Low and rough, his voice tickled her spine.
“We got to know each other. He’s a fine boy. Aren’t you?” She rubbed his favorite spot under his jaw.
“Will you be staying here?”
“If you want me to.” He led Dughall to the post and cross tied him. “Sofia, I’m not sure how to make this work.”
“We could start by talking to each other.” She carried the bucket full of grooming supplies to him as he removed the saddle and blanket.
“What you want? A normal marriage? I can’t do that.”
“I want to live on the ranch and work with you as a partner. I want a family. Not necessarily today, but I need to know it will be a possibility one day.”
“How can I forgive myself or ever forget the vow I made to Lilly? How can I go on and...” He turned away from her.
She wanted to reach out and touch him, to reassure him, but everything in his tense muscles screamed stay away.
“Sofia, how can I go on with another family while they are dead?” His voice was so jagged it hurt to listen.
“Do you think they are still in those graves or free with God?” She bit her lip.
Talking to him about his loss wasn’t fair. How could she understand? “I’m sorry. I just hate that you can’t forgive yourself when God has already taken care of them. They aren’t here with you. God has them.” Tears hung in her eyelashes. “You’re punishing yourself by not allowing me to love you. What if I’m part of the plan God has for you?”
“My job was to protect them. My family was killed by men I brought into our home. I went off to the field, and they came back to steal everything we had. While I was thinking how hot and hungry I was, they were being murdered for things we owned.” He turned to her, the green in his eyes burning. “I tracked those men down and turned them over to the law, but it didn’t help. It didn’t take away the nightmares of my children crying out for me.”
His hand gripped the top of Dughall’s neck as if it were a lifeline. “Tell me, how can I go on and live a happy life with a new family? I don’t deserve it.” His breath came in hard. “You do deserve a husband who can give that to you, so maybe ending this marriage is the right thing to do.”
Placing her hand on his stiff back, she swallowed down her tears.
“No.” Words played in her head, which ones would help him understand? “I do deserve a real husband, but I think God can free you. It doesn’t mean you don’t love Lilly and the children. I’m not asking you to forget them. They will always be a part of you. They will always be your family.”
“I know we had a business agreement, but I didn’t really understand what that meant for my future. I just want to have a chance at a real connection with you as a wife. But I don’t think God wants you to stop living.”
He shook his head. “The more time I spend with you, the more the memories start to fade. I don’t want them to fade.”
“I don’t want to replace them, but why can’t I be your future?”
He narrowed his gaze. “That might be the problem. I don’t see a future. How can I when they don’t have one?”
Tears fell from her lashes. “I can’t believe God has abandoned you with no plans for a full life.”
He started to rub down Dughall. The birds outside called out to each other. The horse shifted his weight and flicked his tail at a fly. Jackson rested his hand on the powerful rump.
“Do you think my purpose is to love you?”
Blood rushed her ears and her heart went still. “I don’t know. That would have to be between you and God.”
“He doesn’t talk to me anymore. Or maybe I quit listening.” With a pat to his stallion, he turned to her, his wife. “I know I can’t live this way anymore. I’m torn up inside. Sofia, there is a part of me that wants what you offer, but the guilt won’t just go away. I can’t just toss out my promise to Lilly because something better came along. How do I have both? How do I know what God wants from me?”
She shrugged. “I wish I knew. You could meet with Pastor Phillips. He helped me many times. Sometimes just praying and being still. I think God talks to us in so many ways that we miss.” Not able to hold back any longer, she moved closer to him and took his hand. “If you need to end the marriage—” do not cry “—we can look at that.”
“Do you want to?” His eyes searched for answers she didn’t have at the moment.
“How do we end something that never started?”
A half snort was followed by a lopsided grin. “If I’m ever going to marry again and have another family, you’re the only one I would want to do it with. You’re the reason this is so difficult.”
“I’m sorry to cause you stress, but maybe it will move us in the right direction. My father always said that the things you have to fight the hardest for have the most value.”
She could fight for this marriage if there was hope. “How do we move forward?”
“Slowly.” He untied Dughall and led him to the far back stall. “How about I escort you to church Sunday?”
“So now that we’re married you want to court me?” She followed him and waited outside the stall as he settled the stallion in for the night.
“We need to start somewhere, might as well be at church.” Stepping out of the stall, he put his hands in his pockets. His eyes darted around the barn. The evening light softened his face.
“Will you join us for dinner?” Was she just extending the pain by thinking they could be more than two strangers working on the ranch together?
“Not sure if your father wants me in the house tonight.” He put his hand on the center of her back and guided her out the barn doors. The urge to lean into him tightened her nerves.
Jackson seemed to realize he was touching her, and pulled his hand back as if fire had lapped at him. She bit her lip to ensure that she didn’t cry.
He turned and slid the barn door closed. Hands
back in his pockets, out of her reach, they walked into the setting sun.
It seemed a lifetime ago that she was sneaking in to ride his horse. “There are days I really miss Tiago.” As they headed toward the house, she wanted to reach for him, any touch to reassure her that he was here.
“I rode out to the five hundred yesterday, and you weren’t there. Have you been going to the east pasture?” Great, their first evening together and she was nagging him about where he was.
“I was riding over the area. I want to get a good grasp of the land and what kind of improvements we can implement.” He picked up a lose rock on the path to the house and threw it out into the tree line. “I do take the management of the ranch seriously.”
Not knowing what else to say she nodded. God, please give me the wisdom to know what to say and do to make this relationship be what You want.
She knew what she wanted, but what if God or even Jackson wanted something else?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Hammering echoed throughout the small valley. The roof on the new house would be finished today. Jackson stepped through the door he just hung. The front room was open and large. A rock fireplace dominated one of the outside walls. Later he would add more walls if she wanted to separate the rooms.
The house he was building for this bride he didn’t want was almost ready to live in.
For weeks now the cowboys had been taking shifts to help build the two-story farmhouse. The German builder in town had helped a great deal. It was different from the Spanish ranchero, but he had modeled it after a house in San Antonio she had liked.
He stepped onto the deep porch.
Rory jumped from the low roof over the porch. “Boss, the house is looking great. Sofia is going to love it. Any woman would.” He took a scoop of water from the bucket and poured it over his sweaty face.
Jackson looked at the two-story farmhouse they had been working on in secret. Sofia might not have a real husband, but she deserved a home. It was the least he could do for her.
There was stonework and details in the extra rooms that needed to be finished, but overall it was ready. It was time to start ordering furniture, but he wasn’t sure if she would want to do that for herself.
He pushed a small rock around with his boot. “Do you think I should let her order the furniture?”
“You know I thought you should have told her about the house from day one. Doesn’t she question all this time away? You’re working the ranch and building a house. Does she even get to see you?”
The plan was to spend as little time with her as possible. The more time he spent with her, the harder it was to keep his vow to Lilly and their children. “She’s fine.”
Just a few days ago they had gone to church together and sitting next to her had felt so right, the guilt came back with a vengeance. The hole in his stomach grew. This back and forth was killing him, and he was sure she was just as confused.
He pulled out the worn envelope from the inside pocket of his vest. Lilly’s parents had replied to his letter. It arrived four days ago.
Unopened, it stayed in his thoughts. Would they be angry? Heartbroken all over again because of his lack of faithfulness?
In the days following his wedding to Sofia, he had written them with heavy guilt. Hoping that restating his vow to stay true to Lilly’s memory would help him keep Sofia out of his heart and head.
But the pastor had preached about God’s forgiveness and the arrogance of not accepting it. Was it some warped sense of self-importance and pride that kept him from God’s forgiveness and peace?
His heart was still a battleground.
“Boss?” Rory said his name like he’d said it a few times already.
Jackson nodded without a clue to what he was agreeing to. He should open the letter and read it. Take the hit. Accept their disappointment and grief.
He had let them down. He had let Lilly down.
A touch on his shoulder startled him. Rory stood just inches away. “You okay?”
No. “Yeah.”
“Me and the boys are heading back to the ranch. It’s about time for dinner. Are you coming?”
“I’ll be there in a bit.” With a narrow gaze, Rory studied him for a moment, then with a nod turned and followed the others out.
The envelope sat heavy in his hands. The past twisted his gut. He had to read the letter that was covered in the blood of his own mistakes. It’s what he needed to put his world back on a balanced scale.
“Jackson?” The voice was so soft he looked up, expecting to see Lilly. Sitting on Domino, Sofia stared at the house. Raw and bare, it wasn’t ready for her yet.
Past her, the retreating backs of the cowboys meant they had no one to buffer. It was just the two of them. How had he missed her riding into the yard?
So young and small, she sat on the horse with confidence. It was easy to believe she thrived on the cattle drive. The ragtagged boy was gone. So was the princess bride. She wore a fitted cropped jacket that matched some kind of flared pants that hit her at midboot.
The boots he had given her the day they had arrived in San Antonio. She had found a way to merge her two halves. Why couldn’t his heart keep her as a friend?
Sofia had his world so off-kilter he didn’t know what was up. “What are you doing out here alone?”
“Looking for my husband. I went out to the five hundred again. When I asked about you, they all stopped talking.”
Her gaze moved over the house, then came back to him. “You’re building a house?”
“How did you know where to find me?” He sat still, trying to determine the best plan of action. That was the problem; he didn’t have one.
“I cornered Diego. Since he is the youngest, I was able to threaten him within an inch of his life, and he believed me. But all I could get out of him was that you had a secret project he wasn’t allowed to talk about.”
His gut clenched at the sight of tears rolling down her face.
“You’re building us a house?” A few rapid blinks, and she brought her focus back to his face. “My brain has been going crazy trying to figure out what you would be doing over here in secret. A house, for us?”
Standing, he dusted off his pants. He didn’t want her to read more into this project than he meant. “I’m trying to figure out how to give you what you need while keeping my vow to Lilly and her parents. You deserve a home of your own at the least.”
She swung her leg over the saddle and hopped to the ground. Her movement was natural and light.
He could watch her forever. He shook his head. Not helping. He started to move toward her but stopped. He slipped the letter back inside his vest. Now was not the time to read it.
“It’s beautiful.” Eyes on the house, she walked past him and stopped on the top step.
“Remember the house you saw in San Antonio? The one on the corner you liked so much?”
“Yes. I see it.”
“There is still a great deal of details that need to be worked out, but it’s almost ready.” He followed her but stopped on the bottom step. It almost put them eye to eye. She was slightly above him.
Turned her back to him, she faced the house. The sun hung low in the sky, highlighting the red in her dark hair. Her braid was finally getting a little longer. Lying flat against her neck, it barely touched her back. His fingers moved to trace the silky strands, but she spun back to him.
Eyes wide, she looked at his hand hanging in midair. “What are you doing?”
Keeping silent, he crossed his arms over his chest.
Her eyes searched his face. How could he love someone so different from Lilly?
Love. He couldn’t love her. But he did and it was a problem. His heart was faithless.
She reached up to him. Gentle fingers brushed t
he stubble on his jaw. He took her hand in his, lowering it away from his skin, and looked down at the small hand lost in his. They weren’t as beat up as they had been on the drive, when she was Tiago, but they still had the evidence of ranch work.
He caressed her skin. Her hands were so unlike his, unlike Lilly’s. Everything about her was different from Lilly.
With a couple of steps, she was on the very edge of the porch. “Can I kiss you?” Her voice was small. It made his heart hurt that he had done that to her. He needed to fix this.
He gave her a smile. “A kiss would be nice.”
She looked at him as though she’d already walked the twisted canyon of his heart and found the way to its center. As she leaned in, he closed his eyes. He needed to hide from her, but he feared it was too late.
She was inside him, trying to bring life to a dried-out heart.
The gentleness of her first touch rattled his walls. His fist clenched at his side, not touching her. Needing to keep some sort of distance.
Tentative at first, her fingers slid into the hair at the base of his neck. He couldn’t hold back any longer and wrapped his hands around her small waist. He was careful not to pull her closer as her lips explored his.
The need to be loved burned slow and deep in both of them. She deserved to be loved, completely and honestly.
He didn’t.
Maybe he did. She believed he did. He relaxed his hands.
The world slipped away, and he gave in to the kiss, gave in to her. Time ceased to exist.
Not able to breathe, he had to pull back. Her hands slipped away and regret he shouldn’t feel took hold. What he needed to feel was guilt for enjoying it, not regret that it was coming to an end.
The inky lashes surrounding her eyes fluttered briefly before she closed them. She took a step away from him. He clenched his traitorous fists again. He should be reaching for her.
She cleared her throat and walked to the door, caressing the stained-glass inlay as if touching a newborn.
“The German craftsman in town made this door, and when I saw it, I thought of you in the early mornings on the cattle drive.”
Lone Star Bride Page 21