Radio Silence

by Alice Oseman

  Aled kept on looking at me. There was a slight twitch of his eyebrows.

  I wanted to ask why he never sat with his sister on the train to school. I wanted to ask whether Carys ever spoke about me during that summer when we were all fifteen. I wanted to ask what she’d said when she got home the night I kissed her, whether she was still angry, whether she’d told him how she’d screamed at me, whether she’d said she hated me now, whether she’d always hated me.

  I wanted to ask whether he ever heard from her, but I couldn’t, so I didn’t. I wanted to tell him that it was my fault she was gone.

  I wanted to tell him that I’d once had a crush on his sister, and one day I kissed her when she was sad because I thought it was the right thing to do, even though I’d been wrong.

  “You know …” Aled’s voice faded out and he didn’t speak for half a minute. “My mum won’t tell me where she is. Or how she is.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “She doesn’t want me to see her. My mum hates her. I mean properly hates. Not just parental disapproval or whatever. My mum never wants to see her again.”

  “That’s really … messed up.”

  “Mm.”

  Sometimes I was hit by the weight of all the things I didn’t know, not just about Carys but about anything, everything. What’s it like to have a parent you don’t like, or who doesn’t like you? What’s it like to run away from home? I don’t know, I’ll never know. I’ll always feel awful about not knowing.

  “I think it might have been my fault,” I said.

  “What was?”

  “Carys running away.”

  Aled frowned. “What? Why would you say that?”

  I needed to tell him.

  I said, “I kissed her. I ruined our friendship.”

  Aled blinked, startled. “What— did you?”

  I nodded and breathed out and felt like I’d just jumped out of the ocean.

  “That’s— it wasn’t your fault,” he said. “That wasn’t …” He cleared his throat. “It’s not your fault.”

  I hated myself. I hated myself so much I wanted to sink into the floor and fall into the Earth’s core.

  “I’m not friends with you because of her,” I said.

  “I didn’t think you were.”

  He hugged me then. It was a bit difficult as we were both lying on the floor, but basically we went from being two separate blanket bundles to being one giant blanket bundle.

  I don’t know how long we stayed like that. I hadn’t checked my phone for ages.

  Then he said, “Do you think we’ll be famous one day?”

  And I said, “I don’t know. I don’t think I really want to be famous.”

  “I guess it’s stressful, people trying to work out our identities all the time. The fandom … they’re insane. Beautiful and passionate, but … insane.”

  I smiled. “It’s kind of fun. Feels like we’re part of some giant mystery.”

  He smiled back. “We are part of some giant mystery.”

  “Do you want to be famous?”

  “I just … want to be special.”

  “You are special.”

  He laughed and said, “Shut up.”

  DARK BLUE

  The next thing I remember is waking up on the carpet freezing cold in the dark – maybe it was 3am, maybe 4am – my mouth tasting like something you’d use in a chemistry lesson, everything around me dead, dust floating in the air, Aled and Daniel gone.

  I desperately needed to pee so I got out of the bundle of blankets and wandered out of the room towards the bathroom, but stopped immediately when I heard voices coming from the kitchen.

  They didn’t see me in the doorway because it was almost completely dark. I could barely see them either – they were just slightly moonlit splotches – but I didn’t really need to. They were sitting at the dining table, Aled with his head on his arm, Daniel with his chin in one hand, looking at each other. Daniel took a sip from a bottle that might have been wine, I wasn’t sure.

  There was a long pause before either of them said anything.

  “Yeah, but it’s not about people knowing,” said Aled. “It’s not about anyone else, I literally don’t care what anyone else would think about it.”

  “You’ve quite clearly been avoiding me,” said Daniel. “We’ve barely seen each other all summer.”

  “You— you were busy. You were working …”

  “Yeah, but I’d make time for you if you wanted me to. You just don’t seem like you want me to.”

  “I do want you to!”

  “Then can’t you just tell me what the issue is?” Daniel sounded annoyed.

  Aled’s voice got even quieter. “There’s not an issue.”

  “If you don’t like me, just say it. There’s no point lying.”

  “Well, obviously I like you.”

  “I mean like that.”

  Aled raised his free hand and poked Daniel on the arm, but as he replied, he seemed to be talking almost entirely to himself.

  “Well, why would we do this if I didn’t like you like that?”

  Daniel was staying quite still. “Well, exactly.”

  “Exactly.”

  I think that’s when I realised what was happening. Seconds before it happened. I don’t even remember feeling surprised. I don’t know what I felt. Maybe a bit lonely.

  Aled raised his head and lifted his arms. Daniel leaned into them and rested his head on Aled’s chest and Aled hugged him tightly, rubbing a hand slowly across Daniel’s back. When they drew apart, Aled sat there, waiting for it to happen. Daniel lifted a hand and ran it through Aled’s hair and said, “You need a haircut,” and then leaned in and kissed him. I turned around. I didn’t need to see any more.

  I woke up some time later on the carpet, freezing in the dark, and Aled was breathing like he was an astronaut running out of oxygen, sitting up next to me with his head bent forwards and his face completely covered by his hands. Daniel wasn’t here. Aled kept breathing and breathing and holding his head and I sat up and put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Aled,” but he didn’t look at me, he just kept shaking and I suddenly realised that he was crying. I tried to move so he could look at me and I said, “Aled,” again, but nothing happened, and then he made a really horrible moaning noise and it wasn’t just crying, this was worse, this was the crying where you want to scratch out your eyes and smash a wall and I couldn’t stand it, I can’t ever stand it when other people cry, especially like this. I put my arms around him and held him and his whole body was shaking and I didn’t know what else to do so I just stayed like that and said, “What’s wrong?” probably a billion times, but he just kept shaking his head and I didn’t know what that meant. When I managed to get him to lie down I asked it again and he just said, “I’m sorry … I’m sorry …” and minutes later he said, “I don’t want to go to university,” and I think he might still have been crying when I fell asleep.

  The next time I woke up, Daniel was on the sofa inside a sleeping bag like he was camping under the stars.

  I realised, suddenly, that Daniel was February Friday.

  Of course he was. Secret romance, childhood best friend – could this get any more romantic? Not that I knew anything about that stuff. I thought I’d feel happy about finally knowing, but I didn’t feel anything. I looked up at the ceiling, half-expecting to find some stars there, but there wasn’t anything at all.

  I needed to pee again urgently, so I sat up and glanced at Aled, who was asleep again, lying next to me on the floor, his head turned towards me, one hand curled under his cheek, and I squinted and I thought that the skin under his eyes was kind of purple, which was weird, but I suppose it might have been the light, which seemed to be stuck in a permanent state of dark blue.

  2. SUMMER HOLIDAY (b)

  THE WORST EPISODE

  I’d woken up at sleepovers many times before, but never with someone sleeping with their arm around me, which was what Aled was doing when I woke
up at 11.34am the next day with what felt like a fireworks display happening inside my brain.

  I didn’t remember a lot, but I did remember that Aled and Daniel were a thing, Daniel was February Friday, Aled had started crying for no reason, and we’d recorded and posted a drunk episode of Universe City.

  I felt like something bad had happened, even though nothing had.

  When I got back into the lounge with a bowl of cereal, Aled and Daniel were sitting next to each other on the floor. I wondered whether they’d had some kind of argument last night, which would explain Aled’s random breakdown, but they were almost leaning on each other, watching a video on Aled’s phone. It took me two seconds to realise what it was.

  I sat down next to them and watched in silence.

  When it had finished, Daniel said, “Well, that’s embarrassing.”

  Aled said, “That’s the worst episode we’ve ever made.”

  I said, “Look at the views.”

  The views, which were normally around five or six thousand for a new episode, were at 30,327.

  5 WEIRD THINGS I’M OBSESSED WITH

  A famous YouTuber had promoted Universe City on his channel. The video was called ‘5 WEIRD THINGS I’M OBSESSED WITH’, and alongside a piggy bank shaped like a pig in a tutu, a Doge app, a game called Can Your Pet? and a landline phone in the shape of a burger, the YouTuber spoke about how much he loved this weird, underrated podcast called Universe City.

  The YouTuber had over three million subscribers. His video, four hours after he posted it, was at 300,000 views, and he’d linked to the Universe City episode in the video description.

  It took two minutes on Tumblr for me to find out that this had happened, and still sitting on the carpet, Aled, Daniel and I watched the video on Aled’s phone.

  “And lastly I wanted to talk about this bizarre channel that I’m obsessed with—” the YouTuber held up a hand and a picture of Universe City’s logo popped up on the screen “—Universe City. It’s a podcast show about a student sending out SOS messages from the futuristic university they’re trapped inside. What I love about the show is that nobody knows who makes it, and it has all kinds of crazy conspiracy theories about it, like whether the characters are actually real people in real life. I only just thought of adding this on to this video at the last minute because the creator of the show posted a new episode about half an hour ago – probably a few hours ago for you guys watching this video – and it’s just reached a whole new level of weird. You can hardly work out what’s going on at all, one minute there are just rustling sounds and shouting, the next there are people playing Never Have I Ever, then the main character Radio Silence is having a rant … it’s so weird and I love that you just have no idea what’s happening most of the time. I genuinely stayed up until 6am once just reading about all the mysteries and conspiracies in the show. If you like all my weird stories on this channel you should definitely go and check it out – I’ll leave a link in the description!”

  “This is so surreal,” said Aled.

  “Yeah,” I said. I’d watched this particular YouTuber’s videos since I was fourteen.

  “I wish he’d linked to the first episode,” said Aled. “I was gonna take this episode down.”

  I frowned. “You want to take it down?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “It’s ridiculous. And shit.” He paused. “I didn’t even upload it on a Friday. I’ve always uploaded on Fridays.”

  “Well … at least it’s got more people into the show. That’s good!”

  “Mm,” he said. Then he groaned and put his head in a hand. “Why did I upload that?”

  Daniel and I said nothing. I don’t think we knew what to say. I thought we were supposed to be happy about this, but maybe that was wrong. Aled didn’t look happy about it. He got up and said he was going to make some toast and Daniel and I gave each other a look, and then Daniel got up and walked after him and I sat very still and watched the new episode again.

  UNIVERSE CITY: Ep. 126 – ghost school

  UniverseCity 598,230 views

  ??? what

  Scroll down for transcript >>>

  […]

  Do you remember how the rabbits glared as we drove down the road? Jealous, maybe, or scared. I was always behind her waiting for the window to drop. The Latin name for the fox is Vulpes vulpes. You always thought that sounded nice. I’m so angry about these ghost school problems. ‘Problems’ feels like an overstatement. Are you gonna go smoke your little cigarettes while you lean out of the window under the stars? You were always brave enough to get burned in the Fire. I wonder if you regret your obsession with Bukowski. I regret it and it wasn’t even me who had it. At least you were careless enough to admit that you were obsessed with something. I only say horrible things because I feel guilty. I don’t want anything to do with this any more, I hate people telling me what I have to do. Why should I have to go just because everyone’s telling me to? My m-mother? Nobody should be able to make my decisions for me. I’m here now and I’m waiting and it’s going to happen. Was there even any choice involved? Do I sound like I care about school? I don’t remember it happening. I don’t remember anything I’ve done, or why. Everything’s very confused. Everything’s better under the stars, I suppose. If we get another life after we die, I’ll meet you there, old sport …

  […]

  SLEEP NOW

  Friday 16th August

  (21:39) Aled Last

  frances it’s at 50,270 now

  help

  (23:40) Frances Janvier

  Yeah … damn that youtuber has a lot of influence

  Quite amazing really

  (23:46) Aled Last

  of all the episodes that could have gone viral …

  it had to be that one didn’t it

  lol gr8

  (23:50) Frances Janvier

  Ah man … I’m so sorry

  You could always just take it down? It’s your show, you have control

  (23:52) Aled Last

  no i can’t waste this

  it’s already got me over 3k new subscribers

  (23:53) Frances Janvier

  Holy shit seriously!????

  (23:54) Aled Last

  yep

  lots of the youtube comments said that they really liked Toulouse

  (23:55) Frances Janvier

  Really??? I was rubbish though omg

  (23:55) Aled Last

  honestly I haven’t had a reaction this positive to a sidekick for ages

  wanna be in the next one?

  (23:56) Frances Janvier

  YES are you sure???

  (23:57) Aled Last

  i wouldn’t have asked if i wasn’t sure haha

  (23:58) Frances Janvier

  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  Tuesday 20th August

  (11:20) Aled Last

  FIFTY THOUSAND SUBSCRIBERS this calls for a trip to pizza hut. you got any cash?

  (11:34) Frances Janvier

  MATE CONGRATULATIONS yeah I’ll see you in five

  Wednesday 21st August

  (02:17) Aled Last

  hey do you want to sing nothing left for us when we record tomorrow?

  by yourself

  (02:32) Frances Janvier

  By myself!???!?????

  You are aware that i can’t sing at all, right …

  I’m completely tone deaf

  (02:34) Aled Last

  good, that’ll make it more interesting

  Friday 30th August

  (04:33) Aled Last

  SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND SUBSCRIBERS

  HOW

  WHY

  WE LITERALLY JUST GOT DRUNK AND RAMBLED AT A CAMERA

  (10:45) Frances Janvier

  COMING ROUND YOURS RIGHT NOW

  m8 you’re asleep aren’t you

  Wake up or I will repeatedly ring the doorbell

  (11:03) Aled Last

  stop ringing the doorbell pls

  Sunday
1st September

  (00:34) Frances Janvier

  Don’t wanna go to school tomorrow

  Can I come to university with you

  (00:35) Aled Last

  no

  go 2 sleep

  (00:36) Frances Janvier

  You clearly don’t know me

  (00:37) Aled Last

  4am bedtimes have to stop now summer is over

  (00:37) Frances Janvier

  L

  (00:38) Aled Last

  do u want me to sing u a lullaby

  (00:38) Frances Janvier

  Yes pls

  (00:39) Aled Last

  go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeep

  go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

  go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep little frances

  that’s all i got

  (00:41) Frances Janvier

  That was so beautiful, I’ll remember this moment forever

  (00:42) Aled Last

  shut up and sleep now

  3. AUTUMN TERM (a)

  CONFUSED KIDS IN OFFICE SUITS

  “I can’t believe I haven’t seen you for like two entire months!” said one of my friends on the first day of autumn term. We were back at our lunch table, all Year 13s now, feeling less like confused kids in office suits and more like ageing veterans of the education system. “What’ve you been up to?”

  I couldn’t believe it either. I only realised that it’d been that long when I arrived at school on the first day back and three of them had changed their hair colours and one had a tan so extreme that she was almost the same colour as me.

  “Er … not that much!” I said, without meaning to. Not that much. Understatement of the millennium.

  She waited for me to add something else, but I didn’t know what. What did I talk about last year when I was with my school friends? Anything? Or nothing?

  “Hey, Frances,” said another friend. “Weren’t you hanging out with Aled Last this summer?”

  “Who’s Aled Last?” said the first friend.

  “I think he’s Daniel Jun’s friend – he went to the boys’ school.”

  “And Frances is going out with him?”