“She’s loyal,” he states, looking down at Charlie.
“Yes.”
“It’s him isn’t it? Talking about him makes you sad,” Ryder says, and it’s not a question.
“I guess it still does. It’s silly, I know. It’s been almost eight months. I should have my shit together by now.”
“It’s not silly. You just had a baby and you’re by yourself. I may not remember anything about myself, but I know that is not how the world works. I get that a baby should have a mother and father. Do you uh…know where he is?”
“No. You should really eat. You must be very hungry.” I pick up my fork and begin to eat. Ryder does too.
“Did the military inform you of anything?” he continues to pry. I should be bothered but something tells me he is asking more for himself.
“No, last I heard he deployed and he’s on active duty.” I take a bite of rice and chicken. I can do this. I can talk about Thomas. I can eat while talking about Thomas. I won’t break down while talking about Thomas.
“I see. I didn’t mean to pry. I just wondered if my ex would have been notified of my injury. I hope I didn’t upset you.” He shovels food into his mouth. “This is so good, Halo. Feels like heaven to eat a meal prepared by a good cook like you. Must be forever since I’ve had one.”
I want to ask about the ex he mentioned, but I know I shouldn’t. I realize I’m unsure about the military’s policy about notifying exes regarding injury or death. I want to ask him about that too. Would it hurt his feelings? Open up emotional wounds for both of us?
Too many questions run through my mind and, feeling warm and anxious, I reach for the cool glass of water in front of me. I realize that he paid me a compliment and I didn’t respond.
“Thanks, Ryder,” I tell him solemnly. We finish eating and Ryder stands.
“You prepared dinner, so let me at least clean up.” I watch gratefully as he clears the table and wraps up the leftover food. He quietly washes the dishes at the sink. I’m kind of thankful he’s helping because I’m feeling uncomfortable pressure at the point of my incision. I lean back and wince a bit. Ryder notices.
“You’re in pain. Is there something I can do?”
“Umm…” I need help getting Brandon up the stairs but he has limited movement with his brace. I’m not sure how stable he would be anyway. Problem is that my stomach feels like it’s splitting in two.
“What is it?”
“I’m worried about getting Brandon upstairs. I don’t know why the thought is causing me to panic.” I admit. I feel foolish. What would I have done if I were here alone? Probably sleep on the couch. I’m suddenly very glad Ryder is here. His presence is reassuring. Especially if, god forbid, something were to happen. I don’t like the unexpected. I don’t like to think about the unexpected. My parents’ death, Thomas leaving—those were things that shaped my life. Now I feel like I have no control over my destiny.
“I can help you get him up the stairs,” he offers.
“Thanks, but it’s hard for you too. I saw you flinch when you took a seat at the table.”
His cheeks flush and he looks down to the floor before he looks me in the eye. “Halo, they took skin off my behind and put it on my face. It’s hard for me to sit because it stings. I’m taking antibiotics to prevent infection. My leg feels a lot better since the last surgery. I don’t sleep with the brace. I wear it so I don’t overexert during the day. Truth is, I feel a little stir crazy. My mind is telling me I should go for a jog. Only my body is in no condition.” He laughs. “I think I can carry him up the stairs—I’ll take it slow. I’m guessing I’m in less pain than you. It will make me feel better not to feel so useless right now.” His gaze pulls away from me and I can see the loneliness seeping its way to his heart.
“Okay,” I reply with a faint voice.
“Thank you,” he says, staring deep into my eyes. His gaze is holding a million emotions. I think he is thanking me for trusting him and for not treating him like an invalid. I’m not sure.
We both make our way over to little Brandon sleeping in the playpen. I lift Brandon in my arms and give him a peck on the forehead. Then I pass him to Ryder. Even the small movements are painful now. I’m thinking I will do one last feeding and then take some Tylenol.
I follow Ryder up the stairs at a turtle’s pace, which is fine by me. The stairs are hard on me even without Brandon in my arms. Ryder takes a step with his good leg and the leg in the brace follows suit slowly. I inwardly chuckle. We are both a real mess.
Ryder pulls me out of my reverie when he says, "I won’t let anything happen to him. I understand that he’s precious. That part of my brain seems to be working.”
He reaches the top step and I follow a moment later. His words are endearing and I feel something like happiness warm my insides. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way.
I don’t want to analyze my feelings, though. I tell myself that it’s just the good karma that comes from helping a wounded soldier. That’s all this is. I’m still trying to convince myself as I say goodnight to my unexpected knight.
Chapter Nine
Ryder
I climb the stairs slowly while looking down at the little baby sleeping in my arms. My leg is fucking killing me, but holding him makes me feel content. I wonder if I’ll ever have the chance to be a father.
Right now it’s hard to imagine how I would find a woman to be with or love me when I don’t even know myself. I’m not even sure when I had sex last. I know I haven’t lost any of the urges. I’ve certainly been appreciating Halo’s beauty. I may not know what type of woman I liked in the past, but I sure liked her long auburn hair and those big round brown eyes. More than anything I liked that she was willing to talk to me.
After our conversation at dinner, I can’t help but wonder about her ex. And mine. It’s one of the issues I’ve been struggling with. The psychiatrist I’ve been working with hasn’t been a lot of help. I mean, how can he answer the basic questions I’m dying to know? Like why I broke up with my wife. And why the hell I’m so damned alone in this world.
Halo tells me which door to enter and I gently place the little guy in his crib. Halo’s movements are slow and controlled. I can see she’s in pain. I look around the room and see white walls and a simple light wood crib in the center. It’s plain and not very babyish.
“Thanks, Ryder,” Halo whispers, patting my shoulder.
“Sure thing, he really is adorable,” I reply and her face brightens. “Well, I better be going,” I say as we leave the little guy’s room. “I can show myself out. You don’t need to do the stairs again. I can tell you’re hurting.”
“Thanks, Ryder,” she responds and then she lets out a yawn, stretching out her arms. My gaze lingers on her for a moment too long. I turn my head. I don’t want her to think I’m a creeper. I just find her beautiful.
I stop mid-step and turn to her. “You know, I think I can help you fix this place up. If you want me to?” I glance at the room’s white walls again. “I can paint the little guy’s room and make it look more like a nursery.” The offer is instinctive—I’m not exactly sure where the urge to help with a project like this comes from.
“I don’t want to trouble you,” she says as her mouth turns up. I like her smile.
“It would be no trouble. I’ve been in a hospital bed too long now, and I really don’t have anything to do while I’m finishing up therapy and my treatments. I know I’ll need to find a job eventually, but for now I wouldn’t mind working on your house if you will let me.”
“I don’t have much money to pay you,” she says, biting her lower lip.
“I don’t want money, I just need something to do. You’d actually be helping me out since I’m supposed to be moving around more now.” I don’t want her to think I’m some charity case, but I need time to figure things out.
“That would be great, Ryder. Thank you.” She yawns again.
“Okay, go get some sleep. You need to take care of the littl
e guy,” I say as I turn to head down the stairs. It’s slow going because of my leg and when I make it down, I walk over to the front door and ensure that it’s secure. I make my way into the garage apartment, closing and locking the door behind me.
The apartment is pretty simple and the furnishings are old, but I would take this place over the hospital any day. I take off my jeans and climb into bed wearing my boxers. I really need to get to a store and buy some clothes. Maybe an extra blanket because the heat isn’t all that great out here. It’s almost February and we still have a while to go before spring.
I close my eyes and lie in the bed thinking of Halo. I wonder what kind of idiot would walk out on an amazing woman like that. I close my eyes, hoping that maybe tonight I will remember… a dream or some fragment of my past will turn up in my memory. I shut my eyes and I feel myself drifting off.
It’s burning hot outside. I’m wearing lots of gear and BDUs. I have an AK-47 in my hands as I walk down an abandoned street. A long, rundown building makes up most of the street. It’s divided into many little houses. I have a team of men following me. I’m the leader. I kick open the first door and point my gun in all directions while scanning the area for terrorists.
“Clear,” I holler and motion for my men to follow me. The air is dusty and it’s burning hot. We make our way through the house searching, scanning. It’s clear. We make it into a backroom, and a shot goes off. It hits the wall next to a marine and takes a chunk off the stone. The marine jumps out of the way. I step in front, aiming my gun. There are more shots and all of us start to shoot. It’s so fucking loud I feel like I will go deaf. I wonder if one of those shots will land in my chest and be the end of me this time. “Would it fucking matter?” I hear myself say.
I wake up from the nightmare and find myself seated on the bed panting and covered in sweat. What the hell was that? It felt so fucking real. The sound of gunshots. The fear. The unknown. Would a terrorist sneak up behind me? End me? What the hell? That happened. Shit that fucking happened. It must be real.
I wonder if my memory is returning. The thought of getting my memory back starts to scare the living shit out of me. I must have seen a lot and been through a lot. Those men who were following me. They must have been on my team. I don’t have an appointment with the psychiatrist scheduled until next week, but I’m thinking I should see him sooner.
I can’t fall back asleep again. My heart is racing a mile a minute. I’m trying to dig my brain for more information. The doctors explained that I can’t force it, but in my dream I said it wouldn’t matter if my life ended. Why did I feel that way?
***
I open my eyes feeling heavy and tired. I look over to the stove in the kitchen area. The clock says eleven o’clock. I spent half the night staring at the ceiling. I must have fallen back asleep close to morning. I throw the blanket off me and shiver. This place is cold, dammit. I walk over to the small washroom to relieve myself, remembering the dream from last night. I rub at my eyes but the bandage interferes. Fuck! I brush my teeth and stare at myself for a long time in the mirror. The color of my eyes is all I see. Something should jog my memory, but I don’t see anything familiar in my reflection.
I walk out of the bathroom and hit the floor. I begin a set of stomach crunches but my ass burns so I switch it up to push-ups. My body protests. I try to get up but I can’t bend the one knee and I’m stuck on the floor. It only pisses me off further. I slowly straighten myself out and take deep breaths. Motherfucker! I hate feeling so broken. I’m all sweaty now so as soon as I can manage to stand, I hop in the shower. The bandages make it difficult but I do the best I can. I keep my mind on the next minute, the next hour. I’ll see how Halo is doing. I’ll ask her what color she’d like to paint Brandon’s room.
After I shower I put on the same outfit I wore yesterday. These are the only clothes I have, and it’s damn embarrassing. Shopping is another thing I should put on my agenda today. The team of officers and counselors who’ve been helping me transition told me my wages are being deposited into bank account for me and so I’ll need to figure out my finances at some point too.
I take a few deep breaths, trying to pull myself together. This “normal” life shit is going to take some getting used to. I knock on Halo’s door and wait. It takes a while for her to answer. She finally opens the door with a bright smile, holding Brandon swaddled up in a blue blanket. I smile widely at both of them.
“Good morning.”
“Hello to you too, Ryder. But it’s already afternoon.” She giggles. “I’ve been up every three hours feeding this little guy.” She’s still smiling, but I can tell by the bags under her eyes that she’s tired. She’s wearing white sweatpants and a loose pink T-shirt. Her auburn hair is tied up and messy looking, but to me she’s beautiful.
I run a hand over my hair nervously. “Sorry. Good afternoon, ma’am.” I’m not sure why I say that—it just comes out.
“You did not just ma’am me, Ryder. I am not some old lady.” She pushes her lower lip out and I can feel my dick going hard. Shit.
“No. I’m sorry, Halo. You are definitely not an old lady.” My gaze involuntarily travels over her body. She may have just had a baby and her belly may be a little swollen but she’s a beautiful woman. “I, uh, didn’t sleep well last night. I had a nightmare that kept me awake half the night. I’m sorry. I’m not on my game today.” As I apologize I wonder once again if I should be revealing any of this to a woman I hardly know, or if I should be keeping it for my counselor. “Um… If you don’t mind, I’ll take you up on that offer to borrow your truck. I need to go over to the VA Hospital in North Chicago. Then I’d like to get some paint for Brandon’s room and um...” I look down at myself and feel my face flush. Damn. Would the old me have been so flustered by a woman?
Halo nods, her brown eyes patient and kind. I appreciate the fact that she isn’t looking at me like I am a mental case.
“Yeah, of course, take the truck. Honestly, it’s a piece of crap and I hope it doesn’t break down on you. I have some errands to run too. But Brandon is still too small to take out in this weather… Tomorrow we’ll have to go out for our first appointment with his pediatrician, but I’m going to ask Jenny to give us a ride.” Her lips curl into a perfect smile.
“I can take you guys,” I offer without stopping to think.
“Really?” Her brows scrunch together.
“Uh, yeah. I remember you mentioning how busy Jenny is with her family and stuff. And I don’t have much to do.” I grin and shrug my shoulders. I feel so unsure about everything.
“Thanks, Ryder.” She smiles widely again. Her dog walks up to me and rubs her body along my leg. I pat her on the head and she looks up to me, tilting her head.
“Nice dog,” I murmur. Halo is looking down at her dog with a curious expression.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Nothing.” She shrugs but it doesn’t seem like nothing. “Ryder, don’t take this the wrong way but do you need some clothes?” She winces as she asks the question. I know she isn’t trying to embarrass me, but I’m flustered.
“I do. Apparently my personal belongings were on the sparse side. And, like I said, I haven’t had to time to shop yet.”
“I see.” She looks me up and down. “I’m not sure, but you may be able to fit into my ex-husband’s things. If you want to come upstairs, I can show you what there is,” she offers.
“Are you sure it’s okay? I mean, you don’t mind?” I stutter a bit.
“Honestly, I was planning on donating it all. At least this way I know it’s going to good use.”
I shrug. “Great.”
She walks toward the stairs with Brandon in her arms. “Do you need help?” I offer, referring to the stairs.
“Thanks. I feel a little better this morning. The pain seems to be worse at night. Probably from over-exerting all day.” Still, she takes the stairs slowly. I follow her lead up and into a fairly large room with a big bed and rustic wood furnitur
e. She walks into a closet and walks back out. “Can you hold him a minute?”
I take the little guy in my arms and cradle him to me closely.
“There’s tons of stuff. I’m assuming you need some jeans and shirts?”
“That would be great,” I say.
A moment later she walks out with a pile of jeans, a bunch of black, white and grey T-shirts and a black hoodie.
She drops it all on the bed.
“Thanks, that’s great.”
“You can use my bathroom if you want to try stuff on and see if anything fits.”
I grab a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt from the top of the pile and head into the bathroom. I quickly get out of the dirty clothes and, as I slide the jeans over my legs and ass, they feel a little snug. The T-shirt is a little snug too. Especially around my chest. Her husband was clearly smaller than me. But the clothes will work for now and are better than nothing, for sure. I walk out of the bathroom carrying my dirty clothes.
“Do you have a laundry machine I can use?” I ask. I am commando right now but I figure it’s information that’s better kept to myself.
“Yeah, it’s in the basement. I can show you how the machines work later.” Her head tilts as she looks me up and down. “Not a terrible fit. A little snug but close enough.” She grins.
“Thanks, Halo. It’s great. It will hold me over until I make it to buy some clothes.”
“Do you need to eat something?” she asks. I don’t want to inconvenience her but my stomach is growling. I should probably just make myself a peanut butter sandwich with the groceries I bought yesterday, but for some reason I don’t want to go back to the apartment. I’d rather spend time with her.
“I’ll pick up something along the way,” I say, smiling appreciatively. “You’ve already done too much for me.”
“Don’t be silly. You’re helping us out too. The least I can do is make you a sandwich,” she replies. We carefully make our way down the stairs and I notice the way she so carefully holds Brandon.
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