“Uh, can you hold him for a sec?” she asks again after we get to the kitchen.
I nod and she places him gently in my arms. I look down at him and let out a contented sigh. Halo laughs at me and turns away.
“So I have bagels. With cream cheese or peanut butter?” She opens the door to the fridge and glances at me over her shoulder.
“Uh, peanut butter is good,” I reply. It was exactly what I could have made out in the garage.
“Do you like jam?” she asks.
“Yeah, strawberry if you have it.”
I watch her move around the kitchen, grabbing ingredients and popping the bagel in the toaster. The baby begins to stir a little in my arms making me nervous.
“Relax,” Halo says, looking over at me. “He probably needs to eat.”
I nod.
When the bagel is ready, she puts the plate on the table and I carefully place Brandon back in her arms.
“You eat. I’ll just go to the living room to feed him.” She leaves and I’m a little bummed. I was hoping she could stay and talk some more. I wolf down the bagel and it hits the spot. Even though I feel like I could go for another, I stand, put the plate in the sink and head to the living room.
“Hey, Halo? Would you tell me where I can find the keys to the truck?” As I enter the room I realize half her breast is in the baby’s mouth. She flinches and I cover my eyes with my hand. “I’m sorry,” I say. “When you said feed the baby, I assumed it would be with a bottle.”
Halo giggles. “I’m breastfeeding because it’s good for this little guy. The keys are on the kitchen counter.”
I go back go back to the kitchen and find the keys. Again, I will my man parts to calm down. It’s seems fucking wrong to be thinking of Halo as hot at this moment. The woman just had a baby and her husband abandoned her. The thought makes my blood boil.
“Do you need anything?” I holler as I pass the living room and head for the front door.
“We’re good for now. Thanks, Ryder. Maybe tomorrow we can pick up some groceries after the doctor’s appointment.”
“Yeah sure. I’m leaving now.” I walk outside and I’m thankful when the cold air hits my hot face.
Chapter Ten
Ryder
I drive north in Halo’s ex’s truck. It’s weird that I know how to drive it so easily. The thing is a beast but it seems like second nature to steer through the narrow streets. As soon as I hit the VA, I’m going to check in with my therapist. I feel like I’m fucking lost. I’m like some kind of incompetent child right now—everything’s a challenge. Clothes, food, money, transportation. It’s pissing the shit out of me. I turn up the radio, hoping to distract my thoughts. The dance music sounds cheesy, so I flip through the radio channels until I hear what sounds like a country song. I tap my thumb on the steering wheel as my head moves to the beat of the music. Not bad. I check my rear-view and side mirrors, remembering the directions to the VA that the folks at the other hospital gave me before I was discharged.
About fifteen minutes later I pull into the hospital parking lot and lock up the truck. It’s old, it rattles like hell and I don’t like the thought of Halo driving it. But that’s a project for later.
Inside the big building, I limp my way to the section where I’m supposed to check in. I give the secretary my name and take a seat in the crowded waiting room. I’m thinking I don’t look as bad as some of the guys here, even though I’m still in mummy mode. Yeah, I have burns on my face, I had some facial restructuring and I’ll always have this damn limp, but some of these guys are missing limbs.
As I wait—bouncing my good leg nervously—I can’t help but wonder about the story behind every injury of every person in the room. I can’t help but wonder about my own fucking story.
A nurse finally calls my name and I head in to meet the doctor.
Chapter Eleven
Halo
There’s a knock on the door and I peek out of the window to see Jenny shivering in the cold. I quickly waddle over to the playpen to place Brandon inside so he doesn’t get a breeze from the open door. I waddle back to open the door.
“Hey, hon.” Jenny steps inside and gives me a peck on the cheek. “It’s my lunch time and I’ve been worried about you,” she says, slipping off her boots before following me inside.
“Thanks, Jenny. Brandon and I are doing well.” I smile. “Can I make you a coffee or tea?” I ask as we slowly make our way to the kitchen. The C-section has definitely slowed me down and walking is still a big pain in my ass.
“Coffee would be great,” she says, rubbing her hands together. I walk over and hit the kettle and prepare two mugs. I’m not drinking coffee since it isn’t the best with breastfeeding so I take out a bag of chamomile tea.
“So how is motherhood?” Jenny asks.
“It’s good. Brandon is a good baby. The feedings in the middle of the night are kind of hard, but I guess with breastfeeding it makes it easier. I don’t have to fuss with disinfecting bottles.” I take a seat beside her at the kitchen table. She turns her head and looks around.
“I didn’t notice the truck on the driveway when I pulled up,” she says, scrunching her brows.
“Oh, Ryder borrowed it to run some errands,” I respond.
Jenny shakes her head. “So now you are loaning him your car… Is there anything else I should know about?” she asks suspiciously.
“No! What do you mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” She trails off. “Does he come in here for visits?”
“Hmm, we had dinner together last night and he’s going to paint Brandon’s room.”
“I knew it,” she snaps.
My eyes turn wide. “Huh?”
“You’ve got the hots for him,” she says with an excited yet accusatory tone.
I glare at her as if she’s grown two heads. “Seriously, it’s not like that.” I get up to make the coffee and tea. My stomach is turning a bit in a bad way that she could even say those words. How can I have the hots for another man? It doesn’t sit well with me. This is only me helping him out. And, yes, if I gain a friend that’s okay too. I’ve learned with losing my family that friends can be just as important.
“So what’s it like?” Jenny asks, placing her chin on her hand.
“I don’t know. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t really know anything about himself. He’s clearly been through a lot mentally and physically with his last deployment.”
“So is this you being the accommodating military wife to a complete stranger?” she asks, causing my jaw to go slack.
“No,” I hiss, feigning innocence.
“I’m sorry, Halo. I don’t mean to offend you. It’s just not like you to let a complete stranger into your home and around your child. He’s even driving your car for fuck’s sake,” she says, raising her voice a little.
“Would you keep it down with the ef-word? Brandon is in the other room.”
She flinches. “Sorry. It’s just Dave and I are worried about you.” Her features soften.
“I appreciate it, Jenny, I do. But I’m a grown woman. I think I have my senses about me. I don’t see something wrong with helping Ryder get back on his feet. Him being here is good for him and it’s good for me. In the sense that, yeah, it does get lonely having meals by myself and it’s nice that he’s offered to help fix up the house, but that’s it. There is nothing romantic going on.”
“Okay, fair enough.” She lifts her mug and takes a sip.
I set down my tea and sit back in my chair. I’m not sure if I should tell her my thoughts—I’d like her opinion, but based on what she’s just said, I’m not sure if she’ll understand. “He did mention an ex. I’m not delusional where he is concerned. I know this is temporary. The reality is that I am still holding out that Thomas will eventually get his shit together and come meet his son. Has Dave heard anything?”
“No, hon, he hasn’t.” Jenny shrugs her shoulders sorrowfully and her lip turns down. “I’m sorry, Halo. I’m just worried about
you,” she says, extending her hand and closing it over mine.
“I know and I appreciate it, but let’s be honest. I just went through ten hours of labor only to be cut open by a knife. I can barely walk, my nipples are freakin’ killing me from breastfeeding and I can’t take a shit without panicking about how much it will hurt. I’m not exactly in a state to be drooling over some hot guy.” I laugh.
“Shit, Halo, I know giving birth isn’t easy, but you’re right. Ryder is damn hot. At least you have some eye candy around here.” She waggles her brows.
It’s actually funny that she thinks he’s hot because most of his face is bandaged. Something tells me it’s going to be a good-looking face but we could both be wrong and he may actually look like he’s been taken out by a wrecking ball. Either way, it doesn’t matter. He seems like a good person who has been through a lot, and there is nothing wrong with helping out when people have been knocked down in life. I know that because I have been knocked down.
“I do wish I could see his face under those bandages,” I admit to her. “I’m curious what lies underneath them.”
“I’ll tell you what’s underneath those bandages—a whole lot of male hotness.”
I burst out laughing and smack her in the shoulder. She falls back in her chair in a fit of giggles, holding on to her stomach. “Dammit, I can’t laugh.” Her face scrunches like she’s in pain.
“Huh? Why not?”
“Those damn exercise videos of mine. I’ve been doing these really intense ones and my muscles are screaming right now.” She shakes her head with a slight grin.
“Well, you look hot, mama,” I tell her.
“Thanks. I better be going. I’ll see you tomorrow for that doctor’s appointment,” she says as she drinks down the remainder of her coffee and walks over to the sink.
“Actually, Ryder is going to take us. I didn’t want you to miss out on work.” I wince a bit because it does kind of look bad.
Jenny gives me a knowing look. “Uh-huh!” She nods and I follow her to the front door. She puts her jacket and boots back on and leans in to give me a hug. “I will call you later.”
“Thanks for stopping by,” I say as she leaves.
After I shut the door behind her, I take a long breath. Her words resonate. I know she’s right. This isn’t like me to let a stranger into my life this way. She’s also right that Ryder is hot, but I’m waiting for Thomas. I signed those divorce papers because I realized I couldn’t save him. It didn’t mean I stopped loving him. I still held out hope where Thomas was concerned. I was serious when I told her my head isn’t in a romantic place right now. I’m sure Ryder knows that too. I mean, look at me with this swollen belly and the black bags under my eyes. I’m definitely not at my finest right now. I walk over to the playpen to take a peek at Brandon. He’s fast asleep. I lie down on the couch, within hand’s reach of the bassinet, and close my eyes for a bit. The sleepless nights are definitely catching up to me.
***
June 6, 2006
Halo
I stalk into the master bedroom, feeling pumped up on anger and hormones.
“Thomas, would you get your damn ass out of bed? It’s already five o’clock and I was hoping we could have dinner together.” I drag the sheets off him and then walk over to the window to open the curtains. He’s been awake all night and now he’s sleeping through the day. I swear I feel like he’s doing this just to avoid me.
“Halo, dammit, I’m tired. Just let me sleep.” He covers his head with a pillow to block out the light.
Usually I do as he asks—I’ve been letting him sleep every day for the past two months. Since he got back from Iraq he hasn’t been the same. Something happened on this deployment that he doesn’t want to talk about. After his first deployment in Afghanistan, he was off kilter for a few weeks. But although he was spacey and tired, he was still here with me. We were still us. We were still living our lives.
Something happened this time and I wish I knew what it was. I want to help him. He just won’t let me in. I fear something is really wrong with him.
“Thomas Wells, I’ve spent all day making us a romantic dinner, you could at least have the courtesy to listen to me.” I smack him in the back.
I’ve been feeling like shit these last few weeks. At first I didn’t understand what was wrong. I thought I was having some sort of sympathy pain for Thomas. My doctor informed me differently. I’m pregnant.
I was both ecstatic and shocked. I mean, he’s only been home for two months and we’ve only had sex twice the entire time. I’m twenty-three years old, almost twenty-four, and I’ve been waiting to have this man’s baby for the past three years, but he was never ready. He never wanted children because of his shitty upbringing. He was scared of repeating his own parents’ mistakes.
This last deployment was a long one, eighteen months. I remember what he'd said to me before he left, “You’re my Halo, my ray of light. I will always find my way back to you.”
It was our thing. I wore his locket around my neck with the same words held close to my heart every time he walked out the door. My heart always left with him and I hoped he would keep that promise.
This time he’s come home, but something is off. It’s as if he’s kept his promise about bringing his body back to me, but his mind and soul are in the desert halfway around the world.
I stand there watching him and finally he drags his limp body from the bed. Of course he’s completely naked, giving me a nice view of his sculpted behind. He trudges over to the bathroom and I leave the bedroom. I make my way down the stairs, taking large breaths that make me feel lightheaded.
Thomas had reservations about being a good husband when we got married and yet he’s been the best husband. It will be the same with the baby. As much as I didn’t plan this pregnancy, I’m happy about it. I’m not getting any younger and a part of me always worried that my window of opportunity would pass me by and I would never have the chance to become a parent. This child is a surprise but a blessing nonetheless.
I give my belly a gentle rub. “We can do this, little one. I know he’ll be thrown off at first, but he doesn’t mean it. I know he’ll come around. He’ll have to come around.”
“Babe, were you just talking to yourself?” Thomas passes me in the downstairs hallway with an amused grin on his face. He places a light kiss on my cheek and rubs his hands together. “Do you need my help with dinner?” he asks with a sleepy grin.
Good. His mood is chipper. This will all be okay. “Sure,” I say. “You can get the drinks.”
I’ve set the old dining table for a romantic dinner complete with long, white candlesticks. It’s only five o’clock, but it’s become dark and cloudy.
Thomas follows me into the kitchen. I pull the roast out of the oven and he compliments my cooking, as usual, and gives me a hug. I’m grateful for the attention, but I’m anxious about getting dinner on the table. I plan to tell him my news while we’re eating.
“Do you want red or white wine?” he asks.
Damn. I can’t answer that. “I’ll have red,” I reply. I can always fake it.
As we settle down to eat, I watch him carefully, gaging his mood. Each time he comes home I seem to worry about him more. He’s traveled the world on training sessions and deployments both short and long. Now he’s a mess and it breaks my heart. I’m excited about the baby, and I just want my Thomas back.
“This is delicious, babe.” Thomas smiles at me from across the table as he takes a bite of the roast. I’m too nervous to eat. I haven’t felt like eating meat at all, but I know it’s Thomas’s favorite meal and he wasn’t eating properly over in Iraq. I wanted to spoil him now that he’s home.
“Can I pour you some wine?” he offers. I nod so he fills my wine glass halfway. He pours himself a full glass. A wave of frustration rolls over me because I know he has been drinking too much since he came home. I worry how that will affect the baby and me.
He lifts his wine glass to make
a toast. “This is to you, Halo. You’re my light. I know I’ve been in a pissy mood since my return, but I’m working on it. I love you, baby. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Thomas.” I smile at him. After we clink our glasses together, I pretend to drink.
He rises from the table and comes over to me, placing his palm at the back of my neck and leaning over me. I lift my chin and grant him access to my mouth. It’s been a while since we’ve connected like this and I’ve missed it deeply. His hands move to my waist, lifting me up against his body. I wrap my legs around him, loving how he can hold me so easily.
He carries me to the empty half of the long table and sets me down gently. He bends over me for another kiss and I’m loving the attention. This is us. This is the man I married. His improved mood couldn’t have come at a better time. I can taste the wine on his tongue as the kiss deepens. He pulls his head back, giving me a loving smile.
“I need inside you,” he says, his tone husky and wanting.
I unfasten his jeans as he runs his palm over the center of my chest and down my abdomen to cup my sex.
“Get undressed,” he orders, and I love the command in his tone.
I sit and remove my shirt and bra, watching his gaze, loving how it heats up. I’m so needy. I want him to touch me now.
“Thomas,” I call out, my voice breathy.
“My Halo,” he replies, and in one swift movement he removes my leggings and underwear. His lips connect with my abdomen as he spreads soft kisses around my belly. My need skyrockets.
“Thomas, please,” I beg. I’m so worked up I can barely form a coherent thought. He slides his finger inside me and my hips buck, needing the friction.
“So wet,” he replies. His blue eyes sizzle into a burning inferno and he pumps his finger in and out. In and out. Then he circles my clit with his thumb. I moan his name.
I feel my orgasm waiting to explode and he replaces his finger with his thick shaft. My chin turns up and my head falls back. He pumps into me hard and fast, his face flushed with a look of pure ecstasy. I love making him come undone.
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