“Halo,” he grunts.
“Aghh!” I cry out as I move my hips into him, pressing my clit along his shaft. Thomas is relentless and rough.
It wasn’t always like this between us. The lovemaking used to be softer, more gentle. Since the deployments that’s changed. He’s changed. He needs more and I want to give him what he needs. The truth is I’m enjoying this side of him. I can feel the table shaking beneath me, but I don’t care. I need this like I need air right now. Our connection, my husband. I need my husband.
We finally come together. I scream out Thomas’s name and he grunts mine. When we finally come down, we cling to each other, breathing raggedly. He buries his head in my neck and whispers, “I love you so much. So much.” Then he pulls away.
“I love you too, baby. You’ve been so distant lately.” I try to hide the pain it causes to say those words. He helps me off the table. We get dressed and I realize how much more relaxed I feel. And how much more relaxed Thomas looks.
“I know. I’m sorry. I…” His grin is lazy and edged with sadness. We settle back in our chairs. The food is still warm and I watch Thomas dig in.
“What is it?” I ask, hoping he’ll continue what he was saying. The candles flicker. There’s a flash of light outside the windows—the storm is about to break.
“Ah, nothing. It’s Sunday tomorrow. Let’s go to the lake or do something fun.”
I can tell how hard he’s trying. But I know he’s putting on a show for me instead of letting me in. I hate that he feels like he needs to pretend.
“Sure, that would be great.” I force a smile as I pick at my potatoes. I can hear the rain coming down hard. I coach myself to just tell him my news. He’s in the best mood he’s been in since he’s returned and he’s paying attention to me. But my stomach is churning and I’m worried about keeping these potatoes down.
“What is it, Halo? Just spit it out… I can tell you have something on your mind. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good listener lately but I’m trying to do better.”
I notice that his hands are little bit shaky when he runs them through his hair. I know he’s trying, but I also know he might not be able to handle whatever’s bothering him on his own. “Babe, I can see it’s hard for you, have you mentioned any of this to the therapist?” My question is hesitant. I know he doesn’t like that he’s been forced to seek professional help due to his medical leave.
He smashes his fist onto the table, and I jump. “Dammit, Halo.” His eyes are angry.
I flinch and push my chair back. I don’t know who this man is sitting across from me, but he is not my Thomas. I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell him about the baby now. But it would probably be worse if he finds out when my belly starts to grow.
His head falls to his hands and he’s muttering to himself. I think he may have lost it completely and I wish I could speak to his therapist to find out if he really understands what’s going on in Thomas’s head.
I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his large shoulders. He turns to me and buries his face in my stomach. He rubs his cheek against my belly, gripping my shirt like he’s holding on for dear life. My heart twists in my chest. He became a SEAL not only to protect our country, but to prove something to himself. To prove he was worthy of my love. It kills me that he’s paying such a terrible price.
“Baby, I’m here. Talk to me,” I plead as I hold on to him and run my hands gently through his hair.
He pulls his head back and his blue eyes are red around the rims. He looks like a lost little boy. I wish I could get through to him. “It’s okay, Thomas. You’re home now.”
“I can still hear it in my head, Halo—the gun shots, the explosions. I left my friends there to come home to you and it’s eating away at me. I need to go back but I don’t want to leave you either. I don’t know what the fuck is happening or what I should do.”
The mere mention of him leaving again causes my own heart rate to stammer. He can’t leave, not now. I can’t be alone for this. Suddenly there’s a loud clap of thunder followed by a strong bolt of lightning and I jump. Thomas jumps too. He’s been doing that a lot from loud noises since he came home two months ago. It’s part of the reason he was given a medical leave. I rub his back, trying to console him. I know this isn’t the time but I take a deep breath and pull together every ounce of courage I have.
“Babe, I need to tell you something…” I hold his face in my hands. I gaze down at the features I love so much, and I know everything will be okay. It has to be.
“What is it, Halo? You made us this special dinner. You probably have some great news and I’m just fucking everything up.”
“You haven’t messed anything up,” I say softly. “I’m happy you’re talking to me. I want you to always feel like you can tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.” My voice is shaky but I feel proud to say the words. “Thomas, we’re having a baby.”
He’s been looking lovingly into my eyes, but the minute I finish my statement, his jaw drops and his blue eyes widen. He pulls away from me, shaking his head. Now he’s rubbing his scalp over and over again, his movements shaky and uncontrolled.
Shit. This isn’t good.
“Thomas, relax,” I say. “This is us. This is a baby we created together. Everything is going to be okay. You went off to fight the war and now you’re home. You’re my hero. You’ll be this baby’s hero too.”
He remains silent and jerks his chair back. He stands up and paces the room as he mutters to himself. I can’t understand what he says. A loud clap of thunder reverberates through the house and he flinches. My heart breaks every time he does that.
He looks at me accusingly. “You know how I felt about having a baby. How could you do this to me?”
Now it’s my turn to drop my jaw. “I didn’t do this to you. I did this with you,” I answer, feeling wounded.
“I thought you were on birth control,” he spits out.
“I was, Thomas. I don’t know how I got pregnant. I just did.”
“This is fucking bullshit.” He’s still pacing. One of the dining chairs gets in his way. He picks it up and hurls it. It smashes against the wall, splintering into pieces. I jump back, frightened, surprised, confused.
“I’m not doing this with you, Halo.” He’s breathing hard and his voice is raspy.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I ask him, tears clogging my throat. “We’ve been married for almost four years. You know I want a family more than anything. I kept waiting and waiting for you while you fought all the bad guys and proved that you were worthy of me. That was all you, Thomas. I never felt that way. I always only wanted and accepted you. I’m not getting any younger and I’m happy this happened. I think it’s a blessing…” My voice trails off as tears fall down my cheeks.
“I was never good enough for you! I never deserved you, Halo. And the baby would deserve so much more than what I could give it as a father.” He stares at my stomach like there’s an evil threat inside it. I wrap my arms protectively across my waist. “I’ve got to… To go. I can’t deal with this.”
I don’t know how to respond. He’s obviously losing it and I’m scared. I knew he was going to take the news hard. I know he needs time to adjust to the idea. But that doesn’t make it any easier when I see him head toward the door and throw on a jacket. He shoves his feet into shoes, as if he can’t get away from me fast enough.
A second later he’s out the door. My blood turns cold. He’s never done anything like this before. Deep down I’m scared he’s leaving for good.
I go to the front window and pull back to the curtains to watch him. It’s pouring outside and he’s getting drenched. The sky lights up again and he falls into the grass with his hands over his head. I don’t know if I need to call an ambulance or what I should do. I throw on my raincoat and rain boots and follow him outside into the storm. The wind is blowing hard and I hang on to my hood as I walk toward him, bracing myself against the strong gusts.
>
I get down on my knees beside him. The wet grass penetrates my pants. “Thomas, it’s okay. It’s just the thunder.” From a distance I hear Charlie barking. She must think we’ve lost it.
“Huh…what?” He lifts his head like he’s confused but happy to see me at the same time.
“It’s okay. The noise and the flashing—it’s just the storm.” I point to the sky.
He slowly stands up. “I’m sorry, Halo. I need to go.” He pulls the keys to his truck out of his pocket.
“Thomas, please,” I cry out. He’s all I have. Fear is gripping me by the throat as one of my worst fears play out. Being left alone. I’ve had nightmares for years about being left alone after my parents died.
He doesn’t turn back. The truck starts with a roar and he whips out of the driveway, tires squealing as he speeds away from our home.
This can’t be real. I drop my head and I see his dog tags wet and glistening in the grass. I know he wears his tags from the navy all the time because he’s required to, but he always wore the ones I’d given him too because he felt like I was close to him when he did. He’s worn them since the day I gave them to him. He said they brought him good luck.
The thought makes my stomach sink. I pick them up out of the grass and hold them to my heart. I can’t help but read this as some kind of message. I stand out in the rain for I’m not sure how long. Almost long enough to have ridden out the storm.
I’m awake all night, hoping he’ll come home. He never does.
Finally, I sleep. My cell phone buzzes at three-thirty in the afternoon. Jenny’s name is on the screen. Deep down in the pit of my stomach I know…
Thomas isn’t coming home like he always promised me he would. Iraq did something to him and apparently the halo I’ve kept burning for him has gone out.
My cell rings and rings, and I finally pick up. “Yeah.”
“Do you want me to come over?” Jenny asks sympathetically. Shit. She knows.
“Is he there?” I asked in a sleep-clogged voice.
“Yeah honey, he was here. He slept in the garage. Dave has been trying to talk with him all night. He wants to go off medical leave and get reinstated for active duty. He wants to ship out.”
Her words are like a knife stabbing through my heart and my tears go into free fall. I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting this at all.
Chapter Twelve
Thomas
June 6, 2006
It feels so good to finally be asleep. Since I came home from Iraq two months ago I haven’t been able to shut my eyes without hearing gun shots, without seeing blood, without hearing the last screams of my best friend Chris as I watched him get shot during a street battle in Ramadi, Iraq.
Pacing the house at night makes me crazy. I know I’m disturbing Halo who is a light sleeper. I couldn’t take it anymore and went to the military doctor. He prescribed sleeping pills. I’ve never been one for drugs, but I had no choice. The sounds in my mind were sucking me into a dark, dark place. I wasn’t sure if taking a leave was the right thing to do but since I’ve been unraveling I know it’s been a good decision. The only part I hated was meeting with the military psychiatrist and having to reveal how torn up I was. Having to admit that Chris’s death destroyed me wasn’t easy. I hate to admit weakness. And I guess that in itself is a weakness.
Halo is so worried and I want to reassure her, but I can’t. Not this time. My last deployment was so much worse than the rest. Chris had been my best bud since boot camp. He was running away from a shitty life in New York and we clicked instantly, helping each other through the brutality of boot camp and then BUD/s training in Coronado. It was the first time I had left Chicago, my first time being so far away from Halo.
I want to stop thinking about all of it, put an end to the endless cycle of grief in my head. Halo and I discussed having babies over the years. I figured eventually I would have the courage to say yes to her. I loved saying yes to her. I loved making her smile. Right now I couldn’t make her smile. My head was stuck in Iraq. I see Chris’s face when he laughed, that cocky bastard. My stomach dips. I unfortunately can still hear his screams when he was shot. I still feel his blood running over my body as I carried him back to the outpost. Those memories haunt me. It’s why I took sleeping pills. I hate to admit that I’m in pieces because it’s not who I am, but I’m a fucking head case. I take the pills and wash it down with any hard liquor I can get my hands on. I know what that shit does. How cruel it makes people. I can’t stop myself if I wanted to. My life feels so damn dark. It’s the only way to get some peace and quiet and allow my body to calm down for a short while.
My head is all over the map as my wife pleads with me that everything will be okay. The problem is I can’t look into perfect brown eyes that are so pure and tell her that this world is tainted. That I am tainted. As the rain pours down on us I feel myself slipping further and further from reality. My head is muffled to the point that her words aren’t clear. There’s a thunderous clap. I hit the ground, wondering where my gun and artillery are. As the cool liquid runs over my body it feels like blood. I’m jolted back in time. I’m carrying Chris on my back trying to get back to base. The wetness… He’s bleeding so bad it soaks through my clothes. My breathing is short and labored. I’m walking down the streets of Ramadi, Iraq when I hear Halo’s reassuring voice. I lift my head, realizing I am on our front lawn. The wet grass is all over my hands, soaking my knees. It isn’t blood.
I shake my head, trying to focus on Halo. I’m too worked up. She’s trying to console me, but I can’t be consoled. I can’t bring her into my darkness. I won’t.
Before I know it I’m in the truck, aware that I should not be driving in my state but I’m too fucked up to care. After driving for a few moments I pull over to the side of the road and bang my head on the steering wheel repeatedly. I can feel a bruise forming on my forehead. I’m fucking losing my mind. I stare out the window to the dark sky, to the slits of rain falling hard on my windshield. Why? Why fucking now? I scream up to the sky.
How can I raise a baby or take care of a baby when I am so messed up? I can’t repeat my parents’ mistakes. I take a deep breath and put the car back into drive. I should go to Dave’s and park the truck before I get arrested for a DUI.
I’m thinking of Chris again as I steer through the pouring rain. And I’m thinking about the baby—Halo’s baby, my baby—as I drive aimlessly for hours. Or, hell, what do I know? Maybe I’ve only been driving for a few minutes.
When I pull into Dave’s driveway, my head jerks forward as I slam the truck into park before it’s completely stopped. As I walk up to the front door the front light comes on. I see a shadow in the window. The rain has slowed down and so has the damn thunder. Fuck, look at me. I want to chuckle to myself. I’m scared of the fucking thunder. Before I reach the door, Dave opens it up slowly.
“Hey, man,” he says, eyeing me warily. He’s wearing a pair of plaid pajamas, and it strikes me how damn normal they look. I envy Dave that he has his shit together. He has a nine-to-five job, he comes home at the end of the day to his wife and children and he wears plaid pajamas. That fucking rocks.
“Hey,” I mutter.
“Thomas, are you drunk?” he asks, quietly taking a step outside. He looks pissed.
“Maybe,” I respond, feeling my body sway a bit.
“Get in the garage, Thomas. What the fuck is going on with you? You drove drunk?” There’s disgust in his tone now.
“I’m fucked up, Dave. Halo is pregnant and I am fucked up.” Before I have a chance to elaborate, my phone rings. Tuck’s name lights up the screen. I’m actually pleased to see he’s calling. We’ve both been back on home soil for two months, and he’s the only other person who can understand what I’m going through right now.
“What’s up, man?” I ask, answering the call.
“Not fucking much,” he responds. “I hate being home. I’ve been taken off medical leave. I’m shipping out next week.”
My eyes squeeze shut. There is no fucking way he is going anywhere without me.
“Tuck, I don’t know man… Things are messed up for me,” I begin to explain and I know he would listen, but he wouldn’t get it. He’s never had what I have with Halo. But even as I say the words, I know I have to get away from here. Right now fighting a bunch of psychotic terrorists is the only thing that will save me. I need to go back. I have to finish this war off. If not for myself, then for Chris.
“Yo, Thomas. You with me man?” Tuck asks.
“I’m here, man. I’m with you.” I’ve got some work to do before I can return to active duty. I need to get approval, I need to clean up. “There’s no way in fucking hell you’re doing this without me,” I tell him. I lost Chris. I can’t handle losing anyone else. I can’t stand by and not fight this war.
“Lakehurst, New Jersey. Eight days from now,” he says gruffly.
“I…I might come hang with you before then, okay?” I already know he’ll say yes. It’s just who he is.
“Of course, man. You know you always have a place by me, but Thomas, are you drunk?”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, brother. I got to go.” I hang up the phone when I see Dave staring at me with his jaw dropped and his eyebrows furrowed. His garage is set up like an apartment—I helped him renovate it after I got back from Afghanistan the first time. Now I’m grateful that he has a place for me to crash tonight because there’s no way I could walk into his house now with Jenny’s scrutinizing eyes on me. She would probably take a butcher knife to my neck if she knew what was happening. Instead I spend an hour trying to rationalize my actions to Dave. He’s not buying it.
“You’re leaving? Halo is pregnant? What are you on, Thomas? Are you on drugs or something? Because I don’t need that shit around my wife and kids.” He waves a finger at me in a threatening way. I want to laugh because he may be as tall as me, but I outweigh him by a good fifty pounds. But nothing about this is funny.
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