Halo

by R. C. Stephens

  He’s been getting little snippets of memories in his dreams. Remembering is painful for him. I was glad he was able to open up to me about how he was feeling. It made me think of Thomas and the way he shut down on me, especially after his deployment in Iraq. It also confirmed in my mind that—whatever Thomas was suffering from—it wasn’t me who could have saved him. He would need to find his own peace and I only prayed he would.

  Ryder has been open with me about his feelings and thoughts. The moments he does open up mean something special to both of us. I can tell by the way he looks at me with reverence. I may not have been able to save Thomas, but I feel like I make Ryder’s life a little easier, even a little happier. He’s been my saving grace in this mess. He takes away the loneliness I’ve been feeling in the pit of my stomach since Thomas left. I’ve been working hard on myself not to feel guilty about the good feelings that Ryder evokes in me. He leaves every night with a small kiss on my cheek. It isn’t much, but our connection has become meaningful. He even spends time holding Brandon. He talks to him with a sweet baby voice, which just about melts me every time.

  Jenny and Dave have come by a few times with the kids. They were excited to meet Brandon. I was happy to hear Jenny tell them he was a cousin since we don’t have any family. Jenny and Dave have also become a lot more laidback where Ryder is concerned which is a relief. Dave and Ryder even seem to be developing a friendship.

  Having so much time on my hands, I have been reading Lord of the Flies again. Sometimes out loud to Brandon. It was Thomas’s favorite book after Lord of the Rings. As I hold Brandon in my arms and read the familiar words that Thomas used to recite to me, my heart clenches. There were so many different facets to Thomas Wells, I’m just sorry Brandon won’t have a chance to know him. I’m sure Thomas would have liked discussing those books with his son one day.

  Today Ryder hasn’t done any work on the house. All the renovations are done. Dave found a handyman who worked by the hour to help Ryder, since the floors were a messy job and we wanted to get the painting done sooner rather than later. To avoid the fumes and the mess, I packed up Brandon’s things and we stayed at Jenny’s for the week while Ryder and the handyman were sanding, varnishing and painting. It was nice to spend time with Jenny, Dave and the kids. Jenny invited Ryder over for dinner every night too. I am glad, though, that it is all behind me. It’s good to be back home. I’m enjoying the peace and quiet. Jenny really does run a busy household. Ryder’s been busy cleaning up which is a ginormous help since I have Brandon to tend to. He’s awake more hours in the day now. I want to cherish every moment I can with him before I have to return to work three weeks down the road.

  Tonight we are hosting the gang and Ryder is staying to hang out which should be interesting. I mean, it’s not like Ryder and I are an item but he’s still my guest, he’s still living in my home and he isn’t Thomas. My friends only knew Thomas and me. I haven’t really socialized since back when we were a couple.

  Jenny stayed home from work today to prepare all kinds of appetizers and now Ryder is busy in the kitchen doing whatever Jenny asks him to. The two of them are intent on not receiving my help, which is fine by me because Brandon has been up repeatedly the last few nights. I’m exhausted. When we took him for another check-up yesterday, the doctor said it could be a growth spurt.

  Ryder shoos me away from the kitchen so I take Brandon and head upstairs for an early bath and shower in preparation for our “welcoming the baby” party.

  The truth is I’ve been living in sweat suits since the day we came home from the hospital and it would be nice to curl my hair and put on a dress for a change. Maybe feel more like a woman than a milking cow. I don’t mean that in a bad way either.

  Brandon sits nicely cooing in his bouncer while I take my time washing my hair. I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I spend some time drying my hair too, blowing it out and curling it on the ends. I’ve definitely been in better spirits lately. I grab the bouncer with Brandon still seated and carry it into my bedroom.

  “So what should your mom wear tonight?” I ask, looking down at him. He just sits there looking like the handsome fella he is.

  I step into the closet and brush my fingers over a line of dresses I haven’t worn for a very long time. My eyes land on a red dress I use to wear occasionally when Thomas would take me out to dinner. He really liked it. If I were being honest with myself—which I don’t want to be—I would admit that I want to look pretty for Ryder. The thought makes my cheeks flush, but I can’t help the way I feel. He’s been such a help fixing up the house and he won’t take a penny from me. He’s great with Brandon, which is seriously huge in my book. He’s easy on the eyes, that’s for sure. His rugged scars only make him that much more sexy and the connection we have through talking is so deep.

  I slip on a pair of black lace panties and put on a black nursing bra. There is no way I’m squeezing my breasts into one of my old bras tonight. I’m not thinking actively sexy thoughts—honestly, the thought of having sex and the idea of anyone coming near my incision scares me to death—but I wouldn’t mind feeling sexy for a change. I’m happy with the mama fashion, but I miss feeling like a woman too.

  When I put on the red dress, I’m relieved it actually fits. The criss-cross bodice should give me fast access for breastfeeding emergencies and the stretchy fabric hugs my new curves graciously. Red lipstick and black pumps finish the look. I gaze in the mirror and catch a glimpse of the old me. I like what I see.

  I’m dressing Brandon when I hear the doorbell ring. Ryder hollers that he’ll get it. We’ve agreed to keep Charlie up here on the second floor behind a gate. I can hear her whining quietly.

  For the next few minutes I hear the front door open and close while Dave and Ryder bring in all the food that Jenny prepared. I dress Brandon in a cute pair of khaki pants and a light blue button-down shirt. He looks like a little man. He’s even got Thomas’s husky frame. As much as the thought of Thomas once hurt me, lately it hasn’t been so bad.

  Me and my little guy head down the stairs and into the kitchen.

  “Hey, hon. Don’t you look beautiful,” Jenny says, embracing me. “And you’re just a handsome little guy, aren’t you?” She caresses Brandon’s cheek with the back of her hand. She leans in closer and whispers, “Is this get-up for the stud?”

  “Jenny,” I chide her, but I can’t help the tinge of pink that erupts on my cheeks. She waves me off. Ryder comes through the front door with Dave, carrying more trays. Dave walks by me first and says hello to Brandon and me. Ryder does a double take and stops.

  “Halo, uh, wow. You look great.” He smiles, looking at my body appreciatively. “You too, little guy.” Ryder inserts one of his big fingers into Brandon’s little fist. I notice Jenny and Dave staring at each other with knowing expressions. I want to tell them that it isn’t what they’re thinking, but I’m not sure it would be the truth. Something has been happening. I just don’t know what exactly.

  Jenny begins to set up all the platters on the dining room table and I comment, “Geez, Jenny, you made enough food here to feed an army. Thank you so much for this.” I smile at her. “You’re too good to us.”

  “It works both ways, Halo. You know you’ve done your share of helping me.” I guess she’s right. I helped her after all her births and—when she miscarried and fell into a depression—I would bring over meals and feed her kids while she recovered.

  The doorbell rings and when Ryder opens the door, I see Maggie and Josh. “Well, hello there, Ryder,” Maggie says, passing him a bottle of wine and giving him the one-up.

  “Hi, Maggie.” Ryder smiles and gives her a kiss on her cheek. She giggles like a school girl and her husband rolls his eyes at Ryder and then introduces himself by extending his hand for a shake.

  Over the course of the next several minutes the rest of the guests arrive—they’re mostly my friends from college, couples who used to hang out with me and Thomas. Everyone fusses over
Brandon and exclaims over how good I look. It’s gratifying but a little exhausting and I’m glad I have such good friends in Jenny, Dave and Ryder to help me navigate the small crowd.

  We head into the dining room to sample the food and I hear Chad—who used to be a good friend of Thomas’s—discussing sports with Ryder. Ryder seems to be holding his own and I’m both pleased and worried for him. I know he’s been remembering a lot more—he tells me his dreams are still coming on strong. But the more he remembers, the more concerned I get about the fact that he’ll leave some day. He’ll need to figure out what went wrong with his marriage, find family members and friends. I worry about what he’ll discover, both for the impact it might have on him and, selfishly, for how it will affect me and Brandon.

  “Ryder, you’ve done one heck of a job on these floors,” my old friend Derrick says as he picks up a nacho and dips it into the spinach dip.

  “Thanks, man. I’ve enjoyed doing it and, yeah, they turned out all right.” Ryder looks down at the floors in an appreciative way. He did more than an all-right job. He brought out the authentic character of the wood and gave it a squeaky new shine. They look amazing.

  “Yeah, Derrick.” Derrick’s wife Sam jabs him in the side. “The floors look amazing. Why don’t you fix ours up?” She’s half joking and half serious.

  “You’re sending us all to the shit house.” Derrick chuckles as he looks at Ryder.

  “Sorry, man, but look at it this way—I haven’t been working, so I had time to do the renovations. Would you want your husbands fixing the house or paying the bills?” He looks at my girlfriends and then pops a party sandwich in his mouth.

  “Okay, Ryder. Point taken.” Melissa’s and Sam’s responses are almost identical.

  “You were in the military weren’t you, Ryder?” Maggie asks.

  “Yeah.” He nods. Suddenly I feel a little worried. I don’t know if it’s the military wife in me, but I fear that someone will ask him the wrong question and set off some of his PTSD triggers.

  “I was in the military too, man,” Joshua says.

  “Oh yeah?” Ryder looks his way with an interested expression.

  “One deployment to Afghanistan and that was it for me. Maggie said you went out three times. I commend you, brother.” He shakes Ryder’s hand.

  Suddenly Brandon turns fussy in Sam’s arms. He’s been passed around since we came downstairs. I’m guessing he’s hungry.

  “I think that’s my call, Sam,” I say, walking over and taking Brandon from her arms.

  I head upstairs for some privacy, telling the ladies they’re welcome to join me. I open the gate at the top of the stairs and Charlie rubs herself against my leg. When I settle on my bed, Charlie lies down on the floor next to me.

  I rest against the headboard and open my dress to give Brandon access to my milking machines. The ladies enter the room a moment later and take a seat on the edge of the bed, watching all gooey-eyed as Brandon latches on to my breast and feeds.

  “Mmm, this makes me want another one. I used to love breastfeeding.” Jenny sighs, tilting her head and batting her blue eyes at Brandon.

  “So have another one. Dave would probably love it,” Sam jokes. We’re all aware of how chaotic Jenny’s household is with three kids close in age.

  “Not,” Jenny says, rolling her eyes.

  “Chad wants a boy,” Melissa says, flicking her light brown hair to the side. “But I’m done. He’ll have to be happy having us girls in the house.”

  “Here, here,” Jenny says.

  “I’m enjoying this diaper phase,” I say. “I’m cherishing every moment that Brandon and I spend together. I just don’t know how I’m going to go back to work in three weeks,” I admit, almost in tears.

  All three women make sympathetic noises. “Of course you’re enjoying the diaper phase. He’s your first.” Jenny rubs my shoulder.

  “I hated going back to work after I had the boys,” Sam says. “I cried for three weeks straight.

  “Sam,” Melissa snaps at her with wide eyes. “Not helping here.”

  “He’s going to be fine,” Jenny reassures me. “Mrs. Ritter took care of all of my kids. She’s like a loving grandmother. Brandon will be just fine. My kids still love to go visit her.”

  “She really is good, Halo,” Melissa agrees. “She took care of my sister’s daughter and she raves about her.”

  “I hope so,” I sigh, looking down at Brandon.

  “Okay,” Sam says. “Enough of this baby talk. Start spilling the beans, Halo. What’s going on between you and that fine male specimen downstairs?” Sam licks her naturally red lips for extra drama.

  I giggle and roll my eyes. I guess I should have been expecting this. “Absolutely nothing.”

  “No way. I saw how he watches you.” Melissa raises her brows suggestively.

  “You clearly have a type,” Sam inserts. “He looks like he could be Thomas’s long-lost brother.”

  “I don’t have a type. And there’s nothing romantic going on between us. He’s renting the garage. He’s my tenant—that’s it.”

  “A tenant that renovates your house and hangs out with your friends?” Sam asks, tilting her chin down and raising her brows at me. Busted. I look over to Jenny for some help and she nods and grins. She isn’t going to help me argue my way out of this one.

  “He’s a wounded soldier. He was a SEAL and he’s dealing with things.” I don’t want to reveal too much. It isn’t my story to tell.

  “Well SEALs definitely have rocking bods,” Sam says.

  “Seriously, he looks like he can bench press you.” Melissa giggles, looking dreamy eyed.

  It kind of makes me laugh because they’re all married with kids and here they are ogling Ryder. Is this what marriage is about? You begin to lust over what you can’t have? During the nine years I was with Thomas I never daydreamed about other men. I only wanted him. I was still attracted to him. Our sex life was good, but then again we spent a lot of time apart, so maybe the separation caused longing that these women never experienced.

  “Halo,” Melissa says, “I’m really in awe of you. You’ve done good, friend. Going through this pregnancy on your own and taking care of Brandon after a C-section. I had regular births and I was a mess after Abbey was born. Chad took a month off work to help and I still call on him for all kinds of things. So much for being an independent woman,” she chides herself.

  “Don’t be silly, Mel. You’re an awesome mom. Thanks for the compliment, but things have been seriously hard. I wouldn’t have gotten through these last few weeks without Ryder. He was really a gift sent from up above.”

  “Well, a gift he is, Halo, but don’t be blind. That man couldn’t take his eyes off you all evening,” Sam says with a sly look.

  “Quit it, Sam. Look at me. I have a swollen stomach, swollen breasts…”

  “Actually the swollen breasts are kind of hot. You were never that voluptuous before. I think you should be enjoying those mamas you got now.” Sam laughs, throwing her head back.

  “Seriously, if I don’t get a bra on fast enough, I have a fountain of milk pouring out of me. Not exactly the epitome of sexy. Besides, I just…you know…I’ve never been with anyone except for Thomas. I don’t think I could actually go through with anything.”

  “Well, honestly, Halo.” Jenny finally decides to say something. “If you were to do something with another man it should be easier with Ryder. He’s smoking hot.” She mock fans herself. “Okay! Let Halo put herself back together. The guys have probably missed our asses.” Jenny winks at me and walks out of the room. Sam and Melissa follow her out.

  I let out a long breath. “Well, that was intense, Brandon. What do you think, honey? I know Mommy shouldn’t be having romantic feelings for Ryder, but he is so good to both of us and he’s nice to talk to.” I lift Brandon over my shoulder to burp him. Then I lay him flat on the bed so I can put my bra back together and close the front of my dress.

  I swaddle Brandon in a
blanket and he turns his head into me contently. I slowly make my way down the stairs. I see Ryder first as I reach the main floor and his dark blue eyes are on me in a flash. It makes me feel warm. I like his attention. He leaves the conversation he’s having with Chad and walks over to me.

  “You good?” he asks, turning his head slightly.

  “Yeah, all good,” I answer but my voice is a little high pitched. Geez, I need to get a grip.

  “Do you want me to hold the little guy? You haven’t had a chance to eat anything yet. You should try the calamari. Its finger-lickin’ good.” He winks.

  “Thanks, Ryder.” He takes Brandon in his arms with ease. He takes great care whenever he holds him, and I like how his dark blue eyes warm at the sight of Brandon.

  “Go on and eat,” he whispers as he follows me into the living room.

  “Maggie, you should have come up to hang out with the ladies,” I say, suddenly feeling bad that she might’ve felt left out. She wasn’t part of our college group of friends.

  “That’s okay. I hung out here with the men. Ryder was telling us about his amnesia.” She winks. She’s too funny considering how hot her husband is. He looks like a young Will Smith. I guess they are all just trying to make me feel good after being the lonely abandoned woman for the past nine months.

  I fill my plate with food. It’s already quite late and I skipped on dinner. Jenny sneaks up behind me. “How you doing?” she asks.

  “Jenny, the food is amazing.” I smile as I pop a calamari in my mouth.

  Ryder approaches with Brandon. “He’s asleep, Halo. Should I put him in his crib upstairs or do you want him down here in the playpen?”

  “Playpen is good. I’m worried I won’t hear him above the noise down here. I have to get one of those monitor things. I haven’t had a chance to pick one up yet.”

  “I thought you would say down here.” Ryder smiles warmly. Then he walks over to the playpen and places Brandon down gently. I feel like I want to swoon just watching him and when I turn my head to Jenny she seems to be feeling the same way.