Halo

by R. C. Stephens

  “Sir!” The two men turn around and salute Ryder. “Petty Officer Second Class Thomas Wells.” Their voices are filled with respect.

  “No,” I say. “That’s not—”

  I’m cut off as Ryder answers yes and salutes them back.

  I stumble to my feet and slowly back my way into the living room. The world has tilted sideways. I’m dizzy. I’m sick. I’m crazy. I’ve completely lost it. Brandon begins to scream, pulling me out of my daze. I pick him up and hold him close to my chest as if I’m trying to protect him and myself.

  The three men stand in the entrance of the room, looks of alarm on all their faces.

  “Ryder,” I say. “Why are you telling them you’re Thomas? You are not Thomas. You’re Ryder St. John.”

  The two officers look at each other with more confusion then place their attention on Ryder, waiting for an explanation.

  “Halo, my real name is Thomas Wells. I can’t remember anything about Thomas Wells so I couldn’t identify with the name. I came up with the name Ryder St. John because I was trying to create a new identity for myself.” I feel like the walls are closing in on me as he continues to explain, “St. John was my mother’s maiden name. I know she hasn’t been in my life since I was an infant, but I liked the name so I took it on.”

  As he speaks I hear it. I feel it. The reason why I put no walls up to this man from the moment I met him.

  I didn’t recognize him as Thomas but when I close my eyes, I hear him and feel him in my soul.

  I think I’m going to be sick. A part of me wants to attack him and tell him that it’s me, I’m his Halo, but then it hits me. If it had been possible for him to recognize me, to know me, he would have by now. The ambush, his surgeries, his long recovery…

  His mind hasn’t come back to us even though his body has been with us all this time.

  His soul led him back to us even when he was drowning in darkness and couldn’t find a way back to us. Even in his darkness he’s here and he’s loving us. I want to shake him and hit him and tell him that I hate him and love him and can’t live without him but I can’t do any of that.

  As I stare at him more things begin to fall into place. His team died. Hanson, Montgomery, Kendall… The effects of losing them—his PTSD. Oh, my poor Thomas. My mind feels like it’s being crushed.

  You’re my halo. I will find my way back to you even in the darkness.

  He promised it so long ago and he kept his promise. He’s been here for us. He loves Brandon like his own because he is his own. I realize that I’m holding Brandon as reality continues to sink in.

  Ryder is looking at me like I’m completely crazy and in this moment I know what I need to do. I need to let this man heal.

  Concern is etched on his face. “Halo.” He reaches out for my hand and I give him my free hand. “Are you okay? What’s happening here?”

  “I’m okay,” I say, squeezing his fingers and dropping his hand. “There was a misunderstanding… I thought they came here to deliver bad news. But it’s not bad at all. I’m so happy for you, Ryder.”

  “Sir.” One of the officers steps forward. “There will be a medal ceremony in your honor. This is your invitation from the President of the United States, Sir.” The man offers an envelope. Ryder takes it, opens it and looks at it carefully.

  “I don’t deserve this. I can’t remember,” he says.

  “Sir, the evidence speaks for itself. This is the highest honor.”

  “Thank you for your time, Sir,” the other officer says. “Ma’am.” They nod politely and leave, the door shutting behind them with a quiet thud.

  Through the window, I see them pull out of the drive. The need to escape, to run, rises in my chest. My heart continues to race and I know I need space, time to process all of this. But Ryder—Thomas—is standing in front of me. And his expression is full of concern.

  “You’re a hero, Ryder. Or do I call you Thomas?” I ask hesitantly, trying to give him a smile.

  “Ryder is still good. I don’t know who Thomas was,” he says.

  I desperately want to tell him that I know who Thomas was. He was the greatest love of my life. He was a man who clearly tried to save his friends in dire circumstances. And he was a man who found his way back to his wife and son even when he was lost himself.

  “Okay, Ryder,” I say with a small smile.

  He pulls at his sweatshirt with a grimace. “I should go shower and change.” He heads for the garage and I want to tell him he can shower upstairs, but I know I need some space right now. I need time to think and work this out in my head.

  He’s been here all this time. He doesn’t look the same but his gestures… The way he kissed me… It should have set off something in my mind. Jesus! I made him his favorite dishes and he was in heaven.

  This is so messed up. When he left it crushed me. Going through the pregnancy and then a traumatic delivery by myself shook me to my core. I was in survival mode. My heart had been shattered into a million pieces. And then Ryder came along and my heart slowly mended. I gave my heart away to a boy so long ago and I knew he was my forever. I never dreamed he would return to me in a different package. I was in denial. I was in so much pain that it hurt to breathe. My worst fear came true and the struggle to get through each day was hard enough. I know I can’t be hard on myself for not knowing. I was a bloody mess. I am a bloody mess.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Ryder

  As I walk out to the garage, I try to shake off my strange feelings. Halo’s behavior has me a little freaked out, but I know it must have been terrifying for her to see those guys show up at the door.

  I don’t know. Maybe I’m reading something into it that isn’t there. When she slept in my arms last night I dreamt about her, but I know the dream couldn’t have been real. We were at the lake. We were young, probably teenagers and I told her I loved her.

  I’ve been wanting to tell her that I have fallen for her hard. My feelings for her are probably where the dream was rooted. That’s why I got up and went for a slow jog this morning because spending the night sleeping beside her and holding her in my arms made me want things that I know I’m not ready to have.

  Her orgasm last night completely had me undone and I’m suffering from a case of serious blue balls. There is more to us than just sex, though. I love everything about her. I love her son. I know it hasn’t been that long since we met, and I’m not sure if people can fall in love in such a short time, but there was something about her that drew me to her even when I was bedridden and broken in the hospital. I’m thinking it was fate that I ended up in that particular hospital and I was there the moment she fell down. I was meant to watch over her and that boy of hers. I don’t know what kind of past I had but I know I want her to be my future. I’m just not sure how to make her feel secure at this point.

  The warm water of the shower is a relief. As I let it run over my face, I think of the medal the military wants to give me and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe if I had my memory back I would be more accepting but to me right now Thomas Wells feels dead. I don’t know that I want to bring him back. Not when bringing him back could mean that I find a life elsewhere and lose Halo.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Mountains of Eastern Afghanistan

  September 2006

  Thomas

  I’m lying on my bed back at the base. It’s the quiet times I hate the most over here because I think of all the ways I’ve wronged Halo.

  When I first left, my head was messed up. A part of me felt like it would be better to die over here because I couldn’t imagine settling into civilian life after what I had experienced. I’ve tried so many times to picture myself back in Chicago driving an ambulance and saving lives, but my efforts to envision that kind of life always fail. The missions I’ve been on, the things I’ve done…I don’t know how I can come back from what’s happened to me here.

  Hanson approaches me with a wry smile. He takes a seat on the cot across from mine. “F
uck, Wells…” He shakes his head. “Quit your damn moping. Just call her and say you screwed up and that you had your head on wrong. Then spend the rest of your life making it up to her.”

  “Hanson, I fucking sent divorce papers. How do I take that back?” I ask the question even though I know there’s no way to take it back. I was so scared when I found out about the baby. Scared that I’d turn into my father. The only way I knew I could protect her and that baby was by leaving them be.

  “You call her and tell her you didn’t mean it.” Hanson states.

  “It’s not so simple, man. Women are more complicated than that. I can’t say ‘Hey, Halo, I was all messed up and I fucked up and now I can’t stop thinking of you and the baby.’ Fuck, Hanson. I can’t imagine missing the birth of my own baby. I will never know him or her. It makes me feel like a piece of shit. I’m no better than my own mother.” I stand and begin to pace. I’m empty and broken inside. I may be useful to my country, but what kind of man leaves his wife and child?

  “Don’t get too deep inside yourself now, Wells. I heard the mission tonight is complicated and you need a clear head. You still have time to fix things with Halo and you will. You’ve been sulking for months now. You might want to consider going home. Tell the lieutenant you aren’t right in the head or something. They’ll pull you out.” His suggestion throws me. How can he say that? He knows I won’t leave without my team.

  “I’ll go home when you guys come with me,” I say, reaching out to give his shoulder a squeeze.

  “Wells, I ain’t like you. There’s no one back home waiting for me. This is my place. I am good at what I do. I love my job and my country and that’s what I’m dedicated to. Honestly, man, if I was in your position with a beautiful woman waiting for me and a child, I would run to that.” Heavy sadness settles around his eyes. I hate that he’s never experienced love the way I have. I don’t know who or where I would have been without Halo’s love. I was the lost, abandoned child. I hated my life. I never felt worthy. Until Halo. She gave me everything worth living and fighting for. I hate that I was so messed up in the head that I threw it all away.

  “Hanson, you’re only twenty-eight. There’s still time to meet someone and have a family. There’s no reason not to.” I hate the fact that he feels so alone. I know that Halo must hate me for what I’ve done, but I was so messed up the last time I went home that I could barely breathe without feeling the pain of losing Chris.

  “What are you ladies sulking about back here?” Montgomery walks over and crosses his arms over his burly chest.

  “Wells,” Hanson responds. “It’s time for him to go home and fix things with his wife.”

  Montgomery’s shoulders deflate. “Missing your family is a bitch. Fuck, man. My baby girl turned two last month, and I missed her second birthday.”

  “You Skype with your wife and daughter every chance you get,” I say.

  “Not the same, Wells.”

  I nod. The sacrifices we make are something we’ve discussed a million times and we all know there’s no easy answer. I look down at my watch. “It’s almost seven. We better get to the briefing—I’m curious to see what kind of intel Hayes and Bulger found.”

  An hour later we have our mission. Reliable intelligence indicates that a high-ranking al-Qaeda leader has been spotted in a nearby village. Our team has been assigned to take him out. It’s the kind of black-and-white mission that I thrive on—us against the bad guys.

  I didn’t understand what I had with Halo. I tried to prove myself repeatedly. Now I get that I had it all wrong. I now understand that I had the love of a woman. I loved her body and soul and that in itself was worthy. I’m just sorry it took me so damn long to understand that.

  We head back to our sleep area and suit up. Being a part of Team Six means that we’re an elite SEAL unit, which also means that we are given the most dangerous tasks. We suit up in our night gear. I’ve been trained to be a medic so I also have to carry the first-aid kit we’ll use if something goes wrong. Hanson, Montgomery and I meet Lieutenant Commander Stanton, Kendall and McCall by the vehicle that will take us halfway to the village. The presence of the Lieutenant is confirmation of the importance of the mission.

  We head out together in the dark of night towards the transport that will take us part way up the mountain. I can’t shake a bad feeling—I don’t know if it’s because of what might be ahead of us, if it’s because I’ve been thinking so hard about my past. The urge to talk to Halo is almost overwhelming. I tell myself that it’s because I was thinking of Halo and the baby. I would hate for something to happen to me without having the chance to apologize and explain to her that I mentally broke down. Most of all I need to beg for her forgiveness. I can’t die knowing she was mad at me. I wish there was time to at least make a phone call but there isn’t. We need to move out.

  “You okay, Wells?” Hanson whispers.

  “Yeah.”

  “Good. Because you need a clear head for this shit.” It’s a dark cloudy night. I like that I can hide behind the darkness. I try to control my breaths. Something feels off.

  “I’m focused,” I whisper back to reassure him. I really am focused. Rover’s death taught me to never look away, not even for a second.

  “Something I need to know about, men?” the Lieutenant asks. I widen my eyes at Hanson, willing him to shut the fuck up. I turn my head to the Lieutenant.

  “No, Sir,” I reply.

  The transport stops halfway up the mountain and we all get out. As we begin our hike, my adrenaline is pumping hard as it usually does on a mission. An hour later and we’ve reached the top. The Marine units have retreated and all seems quiet even though we know they’re still here hiding in the hills, camouflaged by the darkness.

  As we make our way through the village, I’m astonished by its simplicity and I try not to think about the conditions these people live in as we head for our target. This is the part I hate…the uninvited entries into peoples’ homes. But there’s no other way to search on this type of mission.

  We enter a large family dwelling. The men in the house seem nervous. Suddenly there’s a loud scream—it’s a woman. The men turn to each other wide-eyed and continue muttering. The sound of women’s voices comes from a back room.

  “Top Gun, Doc, you go check it out,” the Lieutenant orders and then leaves. Given our positions and what we do it’s important for our identities to stay secret. I make my way to the back of the dwelling, forced to ignore the pleading voices of the men who follow me. A group of women surround a bed where a young woman is writhing. It takes me a moment to register the scene. She’s in labor. My stomach drops out.

  “Doc, let’s just go. These people can help her. We need to catch up.” Hanson tugs at my arm, but I’m stuck in my spot. The woman is in distress—something’s obviously gone wrong. She needs my help.

  “Doc, come on,” Hanson urges again, knowing me too well.

  I can’t leave this woman or her unborn child to die. I look up to the sky wondering if this is a cruel joke. I’ve been sent back here on a night when I’ve been tortured by thoughts of my own wife and unborn child.

  I shake my head. “I have morphine. I know how to deliver a baby. I can’t walk away.”

  “Hurry the fuck up then,” he says with an aggravated sigh.

  I approach the women with my hands up, showing I’m not here to hurt them. Then I show them my medical supplies. They speak loudly, excitedly. I think they realize I want to help. Then things move fast. A quick exam indicates she’s already crowning, but pain and panic aren’t allowing her to push. I give her the injection and nod at the other women. They seem to understand that I want them to comfort her—the less attention she pays to me the better.

  “She needs to push now,” I say. Of course they don’t understand so I try to make hand motions to describe what I mean. Hanson about busts a gut laughing.

  “Dumbfuck,” I mutter to him.

  Finally we’re in business with the pushing
and I roll up my sleeves, getting ready to catch this baby. I was trained to do this but nothing has really prepared me for this moment. The women standing at each side of her shoulders are hoisting her up and she’s giving it all she has. Suddenly half the baby’s body is out. I guide it carefully and, as I turn the baby, it’s clear he’s a boy. The room is filled with sighs and groans as I place the baby on the woman’s belly. She cradles him, crying.

  “Fuck, Doc. You’re crying.” Hanson’s voice snaps me out of my reverie and when I touch my face, I feel tears. I’m not sure when I even started crying. My chest hurts. My whole body hurts as I think of Halo.

  “Do you need out of this mission?” he asks.

  He’s right—this is not the time or place.

  I swipe at my eyes and then pull my shit together. “Not a fucking word of this to anyone.” I point my finger in Hanson’s face like I mean business.

  “Not a word, Doc. Now let’s get out of here,” he says, his tone chiding me but laced with worry and a little sympathy over what I’m going through. The women come up to me and pat my shoulder. I’m assuming they’re thanking me. I smile, eyeing the little baby once more before I leave. I walk over to a pail in the front room and wash my hands. I picture Halo looking beautiful with a rounded belly. My insides turn.

  I follow Hanson back into the dark of night. The second we leave the dwelling, a shot’s fired. We take cover behind a shack and Hanson pulls out his binoculars. We spot the rest of the team a hundred yards ahead.

  “I need to take out the shooter or else we won’t make it fifty yards,” he whispers and I nod. Hanson gets a clear shot and we rejoin the team. There’s no time to debrief the Lieutenant because we’re suddenly faced with an overload of insurgent gunfire. We all take cover and return fire. The Marines have now notified that they have moved in closer. The earlier monotonous sky is now bright for the middle of the night.