Miss Randall was truthful—I could see it in her eyes and her expression—but it also seemed as though she was holding back on telling me the worst. I’m breathing raggedly as I make my way to the elevator.
Halo is not a common name from what I know. Halo. Is it possible? It can’t be. I would remember someone like her. Brandon…holy hell. I swipe a hand over my mouth. Could he be mine? I don’t know how to process the information. I’m freaking the fuck out as I head back to the truck on shaky legs.
I need to get to Halo. I head back toward Jenny and Dave’s, my mind racing a mile a minute. I want to remember my life. Suddenly I am not so keen on the fact that I’ve basically killed off Thomas Wells in my head. He was clearly not as alone as I understood from my file. Why the hell would I divorce Halo? This doesn’t make sense.
I want to speed through the streets, get to Halo as soon as possible. But I don’t want to wreck the truck or get stopped by the cops. I finally reach the driveway and I can’t make it to the door fast enough. I need answers.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Halo
I’m in the kitchen eating with Jenny and the kids when the doorbell rings. Dave goes to answer the door and soon I hear Ryder’s voice. My stomach plummets as I worry that Jenny and Dave won’t be able to act as if everything is normal. I feel like my life and the life of my son is depending on it. Jenny eyes me from across the table as if it’s the moment of truth. I hear Dave inviting Ryder in for pancakes. I try to regulate my breathing because I feel like I might pass out. Ryder walks into the kitchen, his expression looking a little heavy, and he eyes me warily. I put on my best smile for him.
“Hey, kids.” Ryder leans on an empty chair and watches as they stuff pancakes in their mouths. They’re on their second batch and covered with chocolate and syrup. He looks amused.
“Come sit,” Olivia says with her sweet little voice.
“Thank you, Olivia,” Ryder responds and takes a seat across from me. Dave has gone back to flipping pancakes. The kitchen is too quiet, the air too tense. I’m scared to ask how the visit went.
“Pancake, Ryder?” Dave asks.
“Yeah, sure, man. Thanks,” Ryder responds with his eyes on me. The usual warmth I see in his gaze is gone. He’s wearing more of a questioning expression. Almost like he doesn’t know me.
I can immediately tell he’s figured something out and I’m scared. Will he leave? Will he run again? His eyes land on Brandon and when his gaze goes soft, I gain some hope. My insides are twisting. I need out of here. Now.
I try to eat, but I barely taste the food in my mouth. Dave serves Ryder and the look he gives him is analytical, considering. Shit. I hope Ryder doesn’t sense the tension in the air.
Too late. Ryder abruptly pushes away from the table. It’s a jerky movement but his expression seems calm. “What’s going on here?” he asks.
I almost want to laugh. He can’t remember who he is, but he still has the skills he was trained for. Reading a situation, gaging tension.
Jenny eyes me and then looks to Dave for a solution. They were having a nice family breakfast and we have clearly intruded, bringing our tension along with us.
“I’m sorry, guys,” I say looking to Jenny then to Dave. “We should go, Ryder.”
“Yeah, we should go,” he agrees. He helps me place Brandon back in the carrier and the way he’s looking at him rips my heart in two and then mends it back together. It’s as if he’s seeing Brandon for the first time. He knows! My heart is racing as the thought screams through my head again and again.
The drive back home is silent and stressful. I want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s as if we’ve both agreed to wait to talk until we’re out of the truck and in the house. We pull up to the house and we can’t get inside fast enough. I take Brandon out of the carrier and he wakes up crying.
“He’s hungry. I need to feed him.” I walk over to the couch to breastfeed. Ryder takes a seat beside me. Over time, and as we’ve become closer, he’s stopped giving me privacy when I feed Brandon. I didn’t have a problem with it. It felt natural.
“Did you know me from before? Did you know Thomas Wells?” he asks. He’s gripping his thighs and his knees are jiggling. He’s nervous—that much is obvious—but his questions tell me his memory isn’t back. A part of me is relieved and I feel guilty for thinking this way.
“Yes,” I admit because I know he knows. I won’t be able to hide it.
“Elaborate,” he says with his low, deep voice. It sounds too calm.
“I met you when I was fifteen…” I begin slowly telling him about our time dating. I can’t help a small smile as I tell him about happier times. I move on to describe my parents’ deaths—the hardest time of my life.
All the while, I’m watching him carefully, judging his reactions. He’s sitting next to me—and he’s my rock—but I also know his mind is fragile right now. I don’t want to say too much, too soon. I reach over to where he’s gripping his thigh, his fingers white-knuckled as if he’s working so damn hard to control his body and his thoughts. His hand clasps mine tightly.
He nods. “Go on,” he encourages. “I need to hear this. I want to hear this.”
It’s hard to explain all the emotions I felt back then. “When we first started dating we were like two renegades, at least that’s how my parents saw us.” I smile at the memory. “My parents weren’t too pleased. I was completely smitten with you,” I explain. “Then my parents died and you moved in with me. You took care of me. I was deeply depressed. My life felt like a black hole and you were here to keep me sane.” He lets out a long breath, nodding his head. “I was fighting with my parents over you when they got killed. Things never got resolved.”
His eyes open and shut as he takes in this information. I want to tell him how much it hurt when he left. I also felt like I had no closure even after I signed the divorce papers. I’m scared that he’s fragile. I don’t want to do anything that will make him run again. I stick to the facts of our past.
“The next stage in our lives was when you trained to be a paramedic and I got my degree. I met Jenny, Melissa and Sam. Boot camp followed. You knew I was in a better place and you left to fulfill a dream in Great Lakes.” I pause because the next part of this story makes my heart clench. It’s part of the reason he left me and fell apart.
I inhale and then exhale. “Your best friend from boot camp, Chris Rover, was killed in Iraq. His death hit you hard. The PTSD got bad after the Iraq deployment.” I pause to gage his mood, ever so fearful he will run again.
“I had a dream about Rover…months ago. It felt terrible,” he explains and I reach out to hold his hand, giving it a light squeeze.
“We had good times too. We loved spending time at the lake together. It was our own heaven on earth. I gave you my virginity at the lake,” I say hoping to brighten his solemn mood.
“Halo,” he says breathlessly. “I do wish I could remember that. I’ve been dying to get into your pants.” The corner of his mouth turns into a playful grin and I’m relieved he isn’t falling back into that dark place.
“Miss Randall said you were special to me.” He’s watching me so intently with his dark blue eyes. What do they say about a person’s eyes? Something about them being a portal to a person’s soul and it all makes sense. There were never any walls, never any boundaries with Ryder St. John.
I nod. “We got married. Nothing fancy. A quick trip to city hall with some friends. It was the happiest day of our lives. You were nervous about marriage but you were sure about me.” I think it’s a pretty good portrayal of who we were back then.
He looks down at Brandon. “And this little guy?”
I stare at him, unsure what to say.
Ryder makes a choking sound. “God—everything you’re saying. They way I’ve been feeling about him, about you. He’s mine isn’t he?”
Tears clog my eyes and throat. “Yes,” I breathe, nodding. “He’s yours.”
His eyes are wide, gleami
ng with tears. “How…why?” He gasps. As if he can’t bear to even ask the question.
“You were upset when I told you I was pregnant,” I whisper. “You didn’t want kids.”
“Why?” he asks again, looking like a lost boy. He was my lost boy and then he found me and he wasn’t lost anymore because I was his home.
“You had a difficult childhood.” I wince. I’m not sure how many demons I should let out of the closet.
“Miss Randall told me.” His forehead creases. “I still don’t remember any of it. Why did I leave you? What kind of man was I to divorce you when you were pregnant?” He cringes and turns his whole body to face me. Brandon stops feeding and I lift him up over my shoulder to burp him when Ryder asks, “Can I?” He catches me off guard. It takes me a moment to realize that he wants to burp him.
“Okay,” I say. “Put this on your shoulder.” I pass him the burp blanket. He takes Brandon carefully and places him just right on his broad shoulder. “Is this okay?” he asks, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Brandon lets out a little burp.
“It’s perfect.” I smile.
“Why did I leave, Halo? I need to understand. I don’t remember being Thomas. What man in his right mind would leave you?” His voice breaks when he says “you” and I brush at my tears, aching for him.
“You weren’t in your right mind,” I tell him. “You were suffering from PTSD. Your best friend was killed in Iraq right in front of your eyes. You tried to save him but you couldn’t and for a while…it destroyed you. When you got back from Iraq you were a mess—couldn’t sleep right, couldn’t eat. You drank and took too many pills. You were suffering. And I didn’t know how to help you. No one did.”
Ryder moves Brandon off his shoulder and cradles him. “Maybe we can put him in the play gym for a bit. This is hard to hear, Halo.” His smile is devastatingly sad.
“Sure.” I take Brandon and set him up on the floor. He begins to kick the dolls hanging above him.
I return to the couch and Ryder runs a hand nervously over his mouth. “So essentially what you’re saying is…” His mouth turns down on one side. “Is that I was an asshole.”
“You had been through a lot,” I say, feeling the need to defend Thomas. I knew so much more about what he’d suffered now. But I also need to be honest. “It hurt me badly when I got the divorce papers. I felt abandoned. Even though I knew PTSD isn’t something you can just get over—not without time and effort.”
“Like what I’m going through now,” he suggests.
“Like now,” I confirm.
“So,” he says after a moment, leaning forward, putting his forearms on his thighs. “I have to ask—why didn’t you recognize me as Thomas? Do I look that different?”
I should have expected the question and I’m mad when it throws me off. I take a few breaths and say, “No, I didn’t recognize you at all. I did find looking into your eyes comforting, though, and the low, deep sound of your voice always put me at ease.”
For the first time in the conversation, his eyes are shuttered. I wonder if he’s angry that I didn’t recognize him. I try to explain, wondering if he’s angry now. Angry for Ryder, angry for Thomas? Thomas was always very possessive of me. I was very clearly only his. He liked to say it as much as he could. It used to make me feel good. It made me feel wanted.
Even though Thomas and Ryder are different in many ways there are important and essential similarities. The way we were drawn together so quickly, the way I felt cared for and cherished. Then, when Thomas fell down on the job of caring for me, Ryder picked it up. I basically fell in love with the same man twice.
“What happens next?” I look at Ryder.
He lets out a breath. “I was falling in love with you, Halo. I may not remember the man I was, but since I met you in that hospital, I’ve been drawn to you and Brandon. It’s only been a short time, I know. I’m still unsure of certain things. I’ve been telling myself every night before I go to bed that I need to make you fall in love with me because I’m so in love with you. The question is can you love me as Ryder? Can you let Thomas go?” He moves in close to me. His eyes drop to my lips and I feel my insides quiver.
“What happens if you get your memory back? Do I need to be scared about you taking off again? From what I’m gathering, Ryder, you lost your closest friends in that ambush. I’ve met them. I know them—”
He places a finger on my lips to stop me. “Not today, Halo. I can’t go there yet. I’ve had a lot thrown on me today. I need time.” He brushes his lips gently along mine. I can’t help but close my eyes. “Do you feel that, Halo?” He breathes into my mouth and I feel as though I’m melting for him.
“Yes,” I answer with a raspy voice.
“I want to sleep with you so bad right now, but we can’t do that. Not until we figure things out.” His breath is hot against my lips and I want nothing more than for him to claim me. But he is being Thomas even though he doesn’t realize it. He did the same thing when we were dating. He wouldn’t sleep with me until he was sure I was only his. It makes me laugh inside because he may not feel like Thomas but Thomas is very much alive inside Ryder St. John.
“Ryder, why did you choose your mother’s maiden name?”
“I don’t know. The file said ‘estranged’.”
“Oh.” I find it interesting he chose to name himself after the woman who left him. I know it was always a hardship that Thomas carried close to his heart. Even his father blamed him for his mother’s departure. Something about that comment makes me feel like Thomas is closer to coming back than Ryder believes or is ready for.
We spend the rest of the day thinking and talking with gentle, slow kisses to help us through. It’s hard to find answers when there’s so much up in the air. At night we give Brandon a bath together. It’s the first time Ryder has ever helped me give Brandon a bath. I know he’s trying it because he knows now that he’s Brandon’s father. It makes me sad for Thomas because he was so scared of becoming a father even though I know deep down he would’ve been committed to his son. Ryder is Thomas without the heavy baggage. I know it’s likely that someday his memory will come completely back. And I realize now that it’s the truth that will set him free. I just don’t know when the real judgment day will come.
Chapter Twenty-Six
One month later (beginning of May)
Halo
“Halo,” Ryder calls out my name from downstairs.
“What is it?” I’m getting Brandon ready for bed. I’ve been back to work over a month now and I know how important our bedtime routine is—it’s gotten so Brandon falls asleep and stays asleep through the night.
“Halo, come down here,” Ryder demands impatiently and I don’t know what’s gotten into him. “Okay, Okay. What’s going on?” I fasten the last few buttons on Brandon’s sleeper and make my way down the stairs. Ryder is in his usual attire of black T-shirt and worn jeans stained with grease. He’s still working as a mechanic—almost full time now. He leans forward to give me a kiss on the lips and then places a kiss on Brandon’s forehead without touching us with his hands or body. He likes to take a shower before doing that.
“I need you to come outside. Can you put him in the floor gym or something?” he asks. He seems excited. A little antsy. He’s got a wide smile and seems happy—his energy is catching. I’m feeling a bit perkier even though a few minutes ago I was totally wiped from teaching all day. I put Brandon down on the play mat and Ryder takes my hand. “Cover your eyes,” he says. I would follow this man anywhere and I let him guide me—I hear the front door open and feel the breeze on my face.
Ryder lets go of my hand. “Okay, open them now.”
I blink. He’s pointing at a new red SUV in the driveway. “It’s a car, Ryder,” I state matter-of-factly.
“It’s for you, Halo. I don’t like you driving the truck—it isn’t safe.”
“Ah…wow. Can we afford this?” I ask. I realize I just referred to us as “we” and my heart sk
ips a beat. This is a big step.
“I pay you rent, but let’s be honest. I need to do more. I make money as a mechanic and I get a salary from the navy. I have money saved up. I wanted to do this.”
Throwing my arms around his neck, I bury my nose next to his jaw and take in his scent. “Thank you, I love it.” I breathe softly into his ear.
He’s become even more precious to me—as Thomas, as Ryder, I cherish both sides of him. He’s asked me to call him Ryder and not Thomas. He said he doesn’t know or feel like Thomas. He especially doesn’t like that Thomas left me pregnant.
“I love you,” he says, turning his head to kiss my lips. He’s been saying it a lot lately only I haven’t reciprocated. It’s not that I don’t love him. I’ve only ever loved him, but I’ve also been hurt by him. There’s a tiny, miniscule place in the back of my head that fears when his memory does come back he’ll run. I fear saying those words will be like a bad omen. So I wait, loving him in my heart. I now understand how it was so easy being with Ryder because I must have felt like Thomas was in there somewhere. Now that I know the truth I see the signs all the time. His decision-making, the way he cares for us, worries about us.
“I love the car, Ryder. Thank you so much.”
“It’s a lease in your name. Payments will come out of my bank account.”
I reach up to touch him, my hand lightly grazing his cheek down to his jaw. We stare at each other and I see the guilt marring his beautiful features. I hate that he feels guilt over what happened in the past. I think this car is a step toward him overcoming the guilt about leaving us.
“What will happen with the truck?” I ask.
“Well, actually I was going to ask you if it’s okay if I work on it. I wanted to rebuild it slowly. Put in a new engine, transmission… Would that be okay with you?” He asks the question almost shyly.
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