My lips curl. He’s right. I can’t lose my shit now. I have a woman who loves me and a boy who stares back at me with familiar blue eyes that tell me he needs me. Even though he can’t speak yet I know that he needs a stable father. I stalk out of the building, my clothes wet, my shoes sloshing down the hallway. By the time I make it back outside the rain is coming down so hard that it stings my face on contact and the cool wind is ripping havoc on the trees.
I make it into Halo’s SUV and whip out of the parking lot, a man determined to get his family back.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Halo
I’ve never seen the streets look so empty. I see a stop sign and when I brake, the tires skid and I know the car would’ve been nailed if there had been more traffic. I should go back to Jenny’s. The weather is out of control. I have a son to tend to. I tell myself that if Ryder took off that there is nothing I can do anyway. I know this because the night Thomas took off I begged him to stay but my words meant nothing. They were washed away like the rain that dried after the storm the night he left me.
It’s eerie how similar this day is to that awful day in my past. I decide to make a U-turn and head home. Chasing down a man who’s running from life won’t get me far. I know this now. I’ve learned the hard way. The fact that I am out in this weather is not okay. If Ryder has spun back into a pool of darkness it won’t be me who can pull him out. It wasn’t me who pulled him out the last time he was drowning. It won’t be me this time around.
I put the car in reverse. Something slams into me and everything turns black.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Thomas
Before leaving the parking lot I check my phone. Fuck… Five missed calls, ten messages—all from Halo. She must be worried sick. I said I was coming to get them and didn’t show. After the way I left her pregnant of course she would be panicking. I’m a serious asshole. I make my way down the streets, driving a little faster than I should. Guilt is eating my insides making me feel even worse. I press the gas pedal down harder, needing to get to my wife and son faster. I flick on the radio and the newscaster doesn’t say anything good—the storm isn’t dissipating and they’re still spotting funnel clouds. Luckily there have been no fatalities, only reports of downed trees.
I stop at a light and try to call Halo’s cell phone. It goes straight to voicemail, so I send a text. The light turns green and I drive, waiting for a response. I pull over as soon as I can and call Dave. He picks up the phone but the line has static.
“Dave. Are Halo and Brandon with you?”
The line is quiet. Then Dave speaks, “We have Brandon…” Static cuts off his voice.
“What? You have Brandon? Where is Halo?” My chest begins to hurt.
There’s more static. “Dave,” I call out. Fuck! My heart begins to hammer in my chest.
“She went looking for you,” I hear, but Dave’s voice is distant and hard to make out.
“What, Dave? Halo went looking for me?” Sheer panic hits me. Halo is scared of storms. Why would she be out driving?
“Yes,” he confirms. “We thought she was with you. She must still be out looking."
“I’m looking for her now.” I put the locator app on her phone so she should be easy to find. I thank the Ryder version of myself for having the brains to do that.
Her location is only a couple minutes away. When I approach the street, I see blue and red flashing lights. A cop car is blocking the road. My heart stops when I get close enough to see it’s Jenny’s car.
Oh fuck no. Halo must have borrowed Jenny’s car to find me. I pull up as close as I can, fly out of the CRV and head for the car.
The rain whips into my face and I barely register the face and the uniform of the cop who tries to stop me. I tug free from his hold and run blindly for Halo.
“Sir! Sir, you’ll have to stand aside—”
“It’s my wife in there!” I scream.
“Sir, an ambulance is on the way—”
“Halo!” I scream as I see dark red hair pressed against the driver’s side window. The airbag was deployed and, oh God, I’m worried she can’t fucking breathe. There’s another cop on the other side of the car. They’re trying to move the truck that T-boned her. I go for the back door. The handle is slippery but I wipe it with my shirt and take a firm grip. It makes some creaking sounds. I can feel movement. I’m straining so hard I feel like I’ll pop a blood vessel but I need this fucking door open. The cops are shouting at me but I ignore them.
Sirens blare in the background so I know the fire trucks must be approaching. I see blood on the inside of Halo’s door. I think of my son and I pull even harder. The door flings open and I fall on my ass, hitting the asphalt hard. I get back up fast. I reach into the car, find her arm, feel for a pulse. I want to weep when I feel warmth and a steady beat. There are footsteps pounding the pavement close by, then shouting.
“Sir, we got this.” An EMT urges me aside. I want to tell him that I have training, to please let me help, but I also know that this is personal for me and it’s better he does the moving.
“She’s my wife. Please.” I can barely speak or move because of the mountain of guilt weighing on me. This was my fault. I keep hurting this woman.
“I understand, sir. Please let us do our job so we can help her.”
I watch as a fireman and two EMT’s extract her from the vehicle. They lift her onto a stretcher and begin to check vital signs. I can see her chest moving so I know she’s breathing. She begins to mutter and I let out a breath. She’s alive.
“Halo, I’m here, baby. It’s Thomas. Halo. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Tears stream down my face and the rain beats them away. I want to pour my soul out to her and tell her how very sorry I am that I left. Tell her how sorry I am for every fucked-up thing I’ve done.
“It’s okay, ma’am,” the EMT soothes her. “You were in a car accident and we’re taking you to the hospital now.”
“Will you be coming to the hospital, sir?” he asks me.
“Yes,” I answer and follow them into the back of the ambulance. My anxiety is through the fucking roof. This day has been a mess. I am so scared for Halo that I feel myself rocking back and forth.
I’m aware of the sound of sirens, the voices of the EMTs, the radio dispatch from the front of the ambulance. But all I can see or think about is Halo.
“Halo, baby?” I lean forward hoping she can hear me. “It’s Thomas. I’m here, baby. Please be okay. Please fight for me, Halo. I fought for you that day, baby. I wanted to call you and tell you that I was messed up—that I shouldn’t have left that way. When I went on that mission I knew I had to survive, knew I had to come home to you. I couldn’t die if you were mad at me. You are my light, Halo. You led me home and now I need you to find me and come home to me and Brandon.”
Her eyes flutter open and she says my name like it’s a prayer, “Thomas?” She can’t turn her head—her neck’s been immobilized.
“I’m here, baby. It’s me. It’s Thomas. I’m here, Halo. I’m not going anywhere. I need you to fight.” The ambulance stops. We’re at the hospital.
I climb out of the back of the ambulance and watch as the hospital team helps the EMTs remove the stretcher. One of the monitors they have her connected to makes a high-pitched sound and then goes silent.
“Halo!” I scream out, lunging for her.
“Move, Move,” one of the medic screams and they rush her inside. I jog after them, following through the doors into the ER. A nurse stops me, asking me for any details I can give them about Halo’s medical history. I tell them what I can and they ask me to wait in the trauma unit’s waiting area. The nurse reassures me they’ll keep me posted. I begin to pace the hallway. Back and forth. Back and forth.
There’s nothing to do but pray and think about the craziness that’s my life.
I’d been through so much—the self-loathing I felt as a kid, the tough-guy phase of surviving my childhood and boot camp and be
coming a SEAL. And then the trauma of war and losing my best friend. I didn’t have parents to learn from and guide me. It was me against the world until I met Halo.
I’m so grateful to fate for bringing me home to my family even when I didn’t even know myself. I’m crazy scared that fate is fucking with me now, though, because I couldn’t have been brought home only to lose the love of my life.
I call Dave and I can barely get the words out about Halo without completely breaking down. He tells me to take care, that Brandon is safe and comfortable. Thinking of Brandon causes a whirlwind of emotion to run through me. I left him just like my mom left me. I have to wonder anew why my mother left. Was there more to the story? I can’t think of any scenario that makes sense. I know now what it’s like to be a parent. I know loving a baby means I could never walk away. I realize all my fears about being a parent were just that—unsubstantiated fears.
I stalk back to the nurse’s station. I can’t sit still. My entire body feels immersed in dark pain.
“Can you please update me on my wife?” I ask. “She was brought in by ambulance. Car crash.”
She checks a monitor. “They’ve taken her into surgery. Sorry, sir. A doctor will come out to meet you when surgery is over.” Her smile is sympathetic.
“Okay.” Her answer does nothing to quell my nerves. There are a million questions running through my head. I continue to pace the waiting room until the adrenaline leaves my body, sucking my energy along with it.
Three hours pass and I feel like I’ve been holding my breath the entire time. I fall back into a seat, still bracing myself. I can’t hear bad news. A man in a white coat walks up to me.
“Mr. Pearson?” he asks, using the name on Halo’s ID.
“Yes?” I begin to stand but the doctor waves me down.
“Stay seated.” He takes the vacant chair beside me and I feel myself holding on to the arms of the chair for dear life. The doctor looks down to my whitening knuckles.
“She’s going to be okay,” are his first words.
I instantly release my hands and fall forward, bracing my arms on my knees, huffing out a whoosh of air. My head drops while I try to collect myself.
“Her elbow was dislocated and there are breaks in her arm in a number of spots so she will be in a full arm cast. She has some broken ribs so it will be painful for her to breathe for a while. She may have a concussion but we won’t know for sure until she wakes up and we assess her. Her body is bruised but there was no internal bleeding.”
I sag in relief. No internal bleeding is really good news.
“We will need to monitor her for the next forty-eight hours or so,” the doctor continues. “But I’m quite confident that she will make a full recovery.” He pats me on the back and stands up. “She should be awake shortly. The anesthesia was just wearing off as I was leaving her.”
“Thank you, doctor.” I shake his hand. “So I can see her now?” I ask impatiently.
He chuckles softly. “Yeah. Sure. Follow me.” I follow him into a room in the recovery area and then thank him as he leaves.
“Halo,” I say it as a breath and a prayer. Her auburn hair is spread out over the pillow and I place a gentle kiss on her cheek.
Her eyes open slowly. She’s looking at me warily and my heart sinks. “Baby, it’s okay. It’s me—Thomas. I got my memory back. I’m so sorry I worried you and put you through this mess.” I choke back tears. Her round brown eyes brim with tears.
“Thomas?” Through her haziness she smiles and her eyes flicker then close. The memory of spending time with her as Ryder flows through my mind. I cherished that time—it was a healing time for both of us and, although I believed her when she told me she cared for me as Ryder, I’m grateful that I no longer feel a need for Ryder St. John.
I used him because I was uncomfortable with what I’d learned about Thomas. When I awoke in the hospital all alone I figured I had been a serious asshole. I didn’t want to be that man. Now I realize my demons do not define me as a man. When I finally began to recover and get some clarity, I discovered it was my family who made me who I am. It’s Halo and my baby who I want.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Thomas
She’s been asleep for hours while I sit by her bed holding her hand. The memories of these last few months run through my mind. The realization is hard to swallow. Even though I realize that I loved her just the same. Even without our history together she was everything to me. My soul mate. Dave stopped by the hospital briefly just to check in and to let me know that Brandon is happy while being entertained by his kids.
“Thomas?” Her eyes begin to open. Her voice isn’t as groggy as before.
“Yes, baby, it’s me, Thomas. I’m here. Geez, Halo, you gave me the scare of my life.” I look into her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I was scared…” she begins.
“Baby, don’t be sorry. This is on me. I got my memory back. I remember everything. I meant to pick you and Brandon up from Jenny and Dave and then the memories flooded my mind and I was drowning. I went to the VA hospital. I should have called to tell you. I wasn’t thinking straight, though. There was too much information flooding my brain.” Tears stream down my face. I want to say more but I’m all choked up. She lifts her hand to my face and caresses my jaw, moving up to my cheeks, across my forehead, back down my other cheek. It’s like she’s tracing my face. I know I look very different now.
She answers, “I’m okay, Thomas. Don’t be sorry. I’m glad your memory came back. Those memories are worth having.” Her voice is hoarse and cracking and right there she has the ability to restart my heart and flood me with love.
“They are, baby. Those memories mean everything to me. Every minute I spent loving and cherishing you means everything. I fucked up, Halo. I’m so sorry but—”
“Thomas, shhh! You weren’t well…” She blinks slowly. “I understand. The war. The consequences…” I want to tell her to save her energy but a part of me needs to hear that she forgives me. “I know you lost…” she whispers. “You loved… It messed with your head.”
I lean forward, pressing my lips to her forehead. I linger for a while, cherishing her.
“I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I should have gotten help. I’m sorry I divorced you. I thought you would be better off without me. I see how wrong I was. Jesus! Halo…” My words get choked up again. “Brandon. We created him together. He’s so…perfect.”
Her lips turn up and she nods her head. Despite her woozy state, her smile is bright.
“I’m glad you’re back.” Her smile is wide now.
I lean forward to kiss her lips, “I’m back, baby. I’m not going anywhere.
“Baby, you’re the light in my life. My Halo. I want you to know that it took me a while out in Afghanistan to start feeling right again. Then guilt kept me from contacting you. I finally got the courage together and I told myself I was going to call. I was going to come home to you. I wanted to be there for Brandon’s birth. I made that decision the day of the ambush. Then I woke up in a hospital in Germany and I was lost. I know I missed his birth, but we ended up in the same hospital at the same time. That’s fate, baby. I know I promised to find you in the dark and I kept that promise… Remember when I told you that if you slept with me that you were mine? I knew back then that I didn’t deserve you, but, heck, I am a selfish man.” She chuckles and flinches from the pain, confirming my point. “I loved you all those times we were apart. I left my heart in your care and you guarded it for me. You are my light and my love and I’ll be damned, Halo, will you be my wife again?”
Tears spill out of the corners of her eyes and she nods in the affirmative. I lean forward and press a hot kiss to her lips this time.
“I love you, Thomas Wells. Always have.”
“You seemed to be getting it on quite nicely with Ryder,” I say, raising a brow. When I think of the past number of months in hindsight, I realize she allowed a stranger into our home—a guy she enjoyed nigh
tly make-out sessions with. “Should I be jealous here?”
She lifts her hand to smack at me but she’s weak and it’s more of a tap. “Never any walls with Ryder… Questioned my sanity many times.”
“Sorry. I know you’re groggy.”
“No please…”
I rest my hand on hers and listen intently.
“Maybe deep down I knew it was always you. I didn’t understand it at the time. You know me. I’m paranoid. I never would allow a stranger into our home. Something in those blue eyes. I’m sounding crazy again. I keep telling myself that I’m crazy…”
“No. Thomas was in here. He was just hurt and lost. Thank you for bringing him home. You are my home, Halo.”
“I know, baby.” She closes her eyes. This woman gets me. She loves me with every fiber of her being and it’s her love that guides me every step of the way.
“You’re my saving grace.”
“That’s where you have it all wrong, Thomas. You’ve been my saving grace since the day I met you.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Six months later
Thomas
“Baby, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” I give Halo another kiss. The cab is already here to take me to the airport. I’m having trouble leaving. It’s the break of dawn and Brandon is fast asleep. Halo is wearing a little pink nighty, shielding herself behind the door.
“I’m coming back. I don’t want you to worry.” I cup her chin in my hand and hold her gaze. “I need to do this. I’m hoping it will give me some peace.”
“Thomas, I know. I understand. I think you’re doing the right thing. I also know you’re coming back.” Her brown eyes look warm and loving and she leans forward, placing a kiss on my lips while palming the back of my head in a loving caress.
“Okay, remember to tell Brandon that I’m coming back soon. Tell him his daddy loves him,” I repeat for the umpteenth time. I can’t help myself. After everything we’ve been through, I’m panicking about leaving my family.
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