Wicked Ugly Bad (A Kinda Fairytale)

by Cassandra Gannon

  “Your knee breaking thugs, you mean.”

  “…and to mentor my darling granddaughter as she takes over the family business.” Jana finished easily. “It really is time that you assume control of the day-to-day running of things, Scarlett. I’m too old to have so much pressure on me.” She gave a weak cough.

  “I thought I was too Good to be in charge, yet.” Scarlett arched a brow. “Remember? We had a whole conversation about how important it was that I prove myself to the men and do some real villainy before…”

  “And you have!” Jana beamed. “Do you have any idea how many Baddies are now running free because you took out the WUB Club? Everyone is impressed with your callous disregard for the safety of Good civilians. You’ve made me so proud… even if it did take you weeks to pull the jailbreak off.”

  “That’s not what I intended…”

  Jana cut her off. “Besides, now you have him.” She nodded towards Marrok. “And he’s orgasmically Bad. I watched a whole documentary about his crimes on one of those Sunday night sports programs. Made me horny.” She winked at him.

  Marrok gave a snort of amusement that he quickly tried to cover when Scarlett frowned at him. “Those shows are all lies.” He offered, but he was trying not to smile.

  “Oh for God’s sake.” Scarlett crossed her arms over her chest. “Marrok isn’t going to get sucked into your schemes, Grandma. Leave him alone.”

  Jana turned wounded blue eyes on Marrok. “This business is my granddaughter’s heritage. Aren’t you going to help her keep it alive for the next generation? Do you have some better job lined-up? ‘Cause I don’t think those limp-dicked Wolfball coaches are going to let you back on the field anytime soon.”

  “I’m never going back. But, the only think I’m qualified to do is hurt people, so I’m not sure…”

  “Well, what the fuck do you think we do around here, boy? Sell pancakes?” Jana stubbed out her cigarette and lit another one. “Jesus, this is so simple! Are you going to be with Scarlett or not?”

  “Yes, I’m going to be with her.”

  Scarlett’s stomach flipped at his certain tone. It wasn’t overconfidence or ego talking; Just a deep and unshakable conviction. Marrok really intended to stay with her forever after.

  “Well, then you’re helping her with the business.” Jana declared. “Scarlett’s slow-poking around has delayed my retirement long enough.”

  Scarlett looked up towards the ceiling and prayed for patience.

  “Alright.” Marrok shrugged. “Whatever Letty wants.”

  “She wants to take over the business.” Jana insisted. “Who else could I get to do it? That airhead Drusilla?”

  “Dru is not an airhead!” Scarlett snapped. “She’s been suffering so much and you haven’t even asked about her.”

  “Oh, she’s fine.” Jana waved a dismissive hand. “You wouldn’t let anything happen to that girl.” She looked over at Marrok. “Goodness runs in this family like the worst sort of disease. You might have noticed it’s infected Letty. She thinks she’s savior of the world.”

  “She saved me.” Marrok said simply. “I knew she would, right from the beginning.”

  Jana shrugged. “Yeah, at least she’s got the guts to offset the moralizing. But, Drusilla’s the lamest Baddie since that stupid giant who couldn’t even step on the beanstalk kid. No way could Dru run things.” She sighed like the saddest woman in the world. “It’s an unhappy day when a grandmother realizes that her only hope for a legacy of Badness is her Good granddaughter, though”

  “Good and Bad are just labels.” Scarlett muttered, but no one was listening.

  “It’s a family tragedy that I have so little wickedness to choose from.” Jana lamented. “But, I’ve done my best to teach the Letty wrong from right, so she could take over for me.”

  “Then, you should be proud.” Marrok told her. “Letty is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” He sounded like he really believed that.

  “Aww. That’s sweet.” Jana got to her feet. “You know, it wasn’t just seeing the primetime reenactments of your crime spree that’s making me take a chance on you, boy. I’ve heard how you beat the ever loving shit out of the man who did that.” She nodded towards the bruise on Letty’s cheek.

  “How’d you know…?”

  “I have spies everywhere.”

  “I knew there were spies around that prison.”

  “That’s right. And they tell me the other guy is gonna be the only toothless wolf in intensive care.”

  “Nobody touches my wife.” Marrok said without an ounce of pity.

  “I like a little bloodlust in a man.” Jana stepped closer to him. “I read over your rap sheets, of course, and I approve of your résumé. I really do. So you get a trial run with my granddaughter.” She paused. “But, I’m going to be mighty upset if you disappoint me. Mighty upset.”

  Off in the distance, a coyote howled.

  How did she always time that damn thing so perfectly?

  Jana smirked at Marrok’s “holy shit” expression. “Do we understand each other, boy?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Oh, you can call me Jana, sweetie. Or Mrs. Wocknee.” She reached up to pinch his cheek. “Or even just Jabberwocky.”

  Marrok paled. “Hang on, you’re…?”

  “You bet your cute ass I am.” Her expression went hard. “So, I’m warning you, Wolf. If you do anything underhanded to hurt my granddaughter, I will skin your hide and sell your body for meat. Believe that, because it’s true.”

  “Grandmother, leave him alone.”

  Marrok’s eyes stayed on Jana. He looked fascinated to be coming face-to-face with the infamous Jabberwocky. She had singlehandedly built the biggest criminal network in the Four Kingdoms through ruthless intimidation and a total commitment to wickedness. The entire Enchanted Forest was her territory and she was constantly expanding her empire. Most importantly, there wasn’t a person in the world who didn’t whisper her name with genuine fear and respect.

  What Baddie wouldn’t be impressed?

  “I’m sure I’ll do underhanded things, ma’am, but they’ll be to keep Letty, not to hurt her.” He gave a pause and, even without the coyote yowl, it was pretty damn effective. “Because, I don’t part with what’s mine, I don’t give a shit who starts threatening me.”

  Oh, Jana liked that answer.

  In fact, given how friendly she was being and the lack of weapons being pulled, it was clear she liked Marrok. Letty wasn’t surprised. It was pretty much a given that they’d get along like curds and whey. Her grandmother was a huge Wolfball booster. She was already part of Marrok’s official fan club.

  Literally.

  Scarlett sat down on the chintz sofa and prepared to wait out the inevitable flirting and death threats.

  “Aren’t you a charmer?” Jana giggled in delight and playfully batted his arm. “I knew you would be. Finally, Scarlett brings me a real man to intimidate. You wouldn’t believe the gutless wonders my granddaughters have dragged home in the past. And don’t even get me started on that rat-fucker Charming.”

  “Cinderella sleeps with those rats, Grandma, not Charming. I’ve told you that.”

  The two of them ignored Scarlett’s testy correction, basking in their mutual admiration.

  “Well, I’ve never met Charming,” Marrok told Jana, “but I completely agree that he’s a waste of healthy organs. I expect I’ll have to remove most of them very soon.”

  Jana nodded wisely. “I’ve had the same thought. Don’t bother looking for the brain, though. I don’t think it’s there.”

  “Nobody. touches. Charming.” Scarlett carefully spaced each word.

  They disregarded that, too.

  “Would you like some cookies, dear?” Jana herded Marrok over to sit by the fire. “I just baked some shortbread.” Her voice sing-songed over the words temptingly.

  “Shortbread is my favorite, ma’am.” Marrok probably would’ve said the same thing if she’d
offered him cyanide. He couldn’t have looked more pleased by Jana’s obvious approval.

  Scarlett had to wonder if any “meet the family” conversation had ever gone so well for him before. Probably not. The Big Bad Wolf wasn’t the average senior citizen’s idea of a dream date for her favorite granddaughter. Luckily, Jana Wocknee didn’t do “average.”

  Possibly for the first time in his life, Marrok wasn’t the biggest maniac in the room.

  “What do you know about the mob presence in Wonderland, boy?” Jana went skipping into the kitchen to gather up some cookies for her new best friend. “I’m thinking of expanding my loansharking into new territories and we’ll need to start by taking out the competition over there.”

  “My understanding is that it’s mainly that pussy of a walrus and his little oyster brigade running things in Wonderland. I think we could take them in about a week, if we needed to. Especially if we had a nice garlic butter sauce.”

  “I do have a taste for seafood.” She chuckled. “You know Letty wanted to make some kind of deal with him. Why the holy hell would I split my profits with someone I could just kill? The girl gets weird ideas sometimes.”

  “Letty doesn’t like killing people.” Marrok said as if she wasn’t even in the room. “But, she’s definitely a hard ass when it comes to braining people with chairs. I can attest to that. I’d still be in a magic inhibiting manacle, journaling about my feelings, if it wasn’t for her violent streak.”

  He was defending her villainy? Scarlett glanced Marrok’s way in surprise.

  “And I know that she does a better job of being Bad than I could ever do of being Good.” He continued. “No one would ever guess she’s not one of us. She’s got a devious mind and a real talent for creating chaos.”

  Jana preened. “She gets that from me.”

  “She also got those big blue eyes from you.” Marrok leaned back in his chair, basking in all the grandparental support shining in his direction. “First thing I noticed about her.”

  “First thing my husband noticed about me was the knife I had pressed to his throat.” Jana reminisced. “Yeah, I went to Camelot to steal his big sword him, but I stayed for his big sword. The man fucked like a wicked machine of wickedness.”

  Great, this story, again.

  Marrok looked over at Letty. “I love your grandma.” He decided.

  “I had a feeling you would.” Scarlett headed for the door. “I’m going to go tell the others that it’s safe to come in. Try not to propose to her while I’m gone.”

  “Believe me, I’m trying.”

  Scarlett rolled her eyes and stalked out before they started asking each other for their autographs.

  ***

  “You really should get Letty into bed soon.” Jana advised. She headed back over to Marrok, a stack of shortbread on a blue and white plate. “The girl would be a lot less moody if she got laid.”

  “I’m working on it.” Marrok took a cookie and bit it in half. He’d known Scarlett’s grandmother for ten minutes and she was already his second favorite person in the world. She was super-famously evil, and being nice to him, and she made a hell of a shortbread. He instantly felt comfortable with the woman. He and Jana spoke the same language. “Letty’s skittish of me getting close.”

  At least, when she was awake.

  In her sleep, she’d cuddled closer to him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Marrok had spent half the night just watching her breathe. On her deepest level, Letty knew they were supposed to be together. She just needed a little more time to get used to the idea when she was conscious.

  “Well, you’re probably the first man Scarlett’s met with a testosterone reading, so it’s throwing her off balance.” Jana sat down across from him. “Was she saying that she already let you kiss her, though?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “That’s interesting.” Blue eyes narrowed in consideration. “Doesn’t seem like Scarlett would screw around on Charming. She’s got all those ethics.” Jana said the word like it meant “lice.” “Even though the worthless prick is picking out wedding china with another girl, I’d have thought she have some delusional sense of loyalty to him.”

  “Letty is my True Love. Charming can go blow himself.”

  “I’m not disagreeing with you, boy, but something’s wonky with how it’s going down. I know my granddaughter. If she’s all set to marry Charming in Cinderbitch’s place, why is she staring at you like you’re an ice cream cone that she wants to lick up and down?”

  “I’m a tasting looking guy.”

  Even as he said it, though, Marrok’s brain was turning over the Jabberwocky’s words. Scarlett was loyal straight down to the bone, even towards people who didn’t deserve it. When the sleeping gas was flooding the WUB Club, she’d wanted to keep looking for Rumpelstiltskin, for Christ’s sake. Would someone that Good really ever plan to marry one man and let another one stroke her orgasm?

  Marrok’s eyes narrowed.

  Come to think of it, Scarlett had come up with a whole lot of excuses to keep Marrok at arm’s length. But, she’d never once invoked the holy name of Charming as a reason to deny the True Love bond. In fact, she rarely spoke of him, at all. Usually, she just looked uncomfortable when someone brought the piss-ant up.

  That was wonky.

  “She grew up with Charming, right?”

  “Yep. It wasn’t until this shoe debacle that she showed any interest in marrying that douchebag, though.” Jana chewed a cookie. “Until then, the two of them just whined about villains’ rights and hugged baby seals or whatever do-Gooders do all day. I’m still not clear on what all happened at that stupid ball. Did she tell you?”

  He shook his head. “All I know for sure is Cinderella somehow highjacked that shoe and stole Scarlett’s place as Charming’s bride. Letty’s not going to just let that go. When she sets her mind to something, nothing gets in her way.”

  Jana sighed. “I should’ve just tossed that glass slipper down a wishing well. Who will take over the family business if Letty’s wasting her life as some pointless princess? Granted, she’s always been a little too softhearted for this line of work, but she’s got the mind for it.”

  “Scarlett’s brilliant.” Marrok agreed. “If she takes over, she’ll figure out a way to make the business her own.”

  Jana snorted. “You mean she’ll shut down all my most profitable sectors and start building preschools for goblins and trolls.”

  “That does sound like my Letty.”

  “Well, no matter what she does, that girl is the best part of my life. My whole hope for the future.” She paused meaningfully. “I got no quarrel with you, boy, but no horses or men will be able to reassemble all your broken pieces if you fuck her over. I’m serious about that.”

  Marrok didn’t take offence. Why wouldn’t Scarlett’s family be protective of her? She was precious and he was a notorious scumbag. Of course there would be some grisly warnings. Honestly, he saw Jana’s intimidation tactics as a compliment. It showed she took him seriously as a suitor.

  “All I want is Letty. She’s my life and future, too. I’ve waited for her too long to ever take her for granted. You have my word.”

  Jana leaned forward to stare him straight in the eye. “I’ve got a lot of respect for the fanatical obsession wolves have for their True Loves. You’re going to do whatever it takes to keep her happy, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even if it means living in the Enchanted Forest?”

  “I’ll stay here and help her teach trolls to read, or I’ll go to the Westlands and overthrow Cinderella, or I’ll just live on the lamb for the rest of ever after. It doesn’t matter, just so I’m with her.” He didn’t look away from Jana’s appraising gaze. “I am staying with Letty.” It was a bald statement of fact.

  “So you’re going to get rid of Charming, then?” Jana didn’t sound terribly upset with the idea. “Good plan. I’ve got a lot of acreage where we can bury the body.”

>   He sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do if she wants Charming at the end of all this.” Marrok didn’t even want to think about it.

  “You don’t know?” Jana repeated blankly. “Like, you don’t know what weapon you’ll use on him or…?”

  Marrok cut her off. “Letty held my hand and said she trusted me. Do you know how rare that is for people like us?”

  “Of course I do. But…”

  “No one has ever told me they trusted me before. If I kill Charming, Scarlett will never say that to me, again.”

  “But, at least you’d have her.”

  Scarlett’s Goodness must have been rubbing off on him, because Marrok wasn’t convinced that just having her would be enough. What if he ruined her tiara-filled future and Letty was heartbroken? What if she couldn’t forgive him?

  What if she never loved him back?

  “I have to get her to choose me over Charming.” He scraped a palm through his hair. “It has to be her choice. It’s the only way I can have all of her.”

  But, what the hell did he have to offer Letty when she could literally have a prince?

  “Well, if you want to do it the hard way, you should definitely start with getting her into bed.” Jana arched a brow. “Charming might have a castle, but if a woman showed up on his mattress, he’d probably think she was a pea. Freaky little ‘waiting for the wedding night’ tight wearer.”

  “Wait. Who told you he was waiting for his wedding night?” Not all Good folk did. Marrok knew that for a grim fact.

  “Scarlett did, of course. Well, she implied it. She wrote me about it from that damn hospital, saying that Charming’s just soooooo virtuous and how I should stop spreading rumors about him doing Cindy and the rats every night.” She snorted. “He probably just couldn’t get it up.”

  Marrok mulled that over. Why had Scarlett lied to her grandmother? Especially since the truth would have won Letty the argument. Charming hadn’t waited for his wedding night. Scarlett and the prince had had sex in a garden during that costume ball. She’d said so.

  …Actually, no.

  His head tilted. Ramona had said that in the dungeon. Scarlett herself had refused to talk about it. She hadn’t really confirmed or denied a damn thing. Because, she was embarrassed or private or…?