Can't Let Go

by David Horne

  “Can’t Let Go”

  M/M Gay Romance

  David Horne

  © 2019

  David Horne

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This book is intended for Adults (ages 18+) only. The contents may be offensive to some readers. It may contain graphic language, explicit sexual content, and adult situations. May contain scenes of unprotected sex. Please do not read this book if you are offended by content as mentioned above or if you are under the age of 18.

  Please educate yourself on safe sex practices before making potentially life-changing decisions about sex in real life. If you’re not sure where to start, see here: http://www.jerrycoleauthor.com/safe-sex-resources/ (courtesy of Jerry Cole).

  This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Products or brand names mentioned are trademarks of their respective holders or companies. The cover uses licensed images and are shown for illustrative purposes only. Any person(s) that may be depicted on the cover are simply models.

  Edition v1.00 (2019.04.08)

  http://www.DavidHorneauthor.com

  Special thanks to the volunteer readers who helped with proofreading. Thank you so much for your support.

  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter One

  When Trevor Emerton woke up on Thursday morning, the other side of the king-sized bed was cold and empty. Before he opened his eyes, he reached out, feeling for his lover. The far side of the memory foam mattress was vacant. A tingle of panic brushed his heart, waking Trevor with a start.

  Once dressed in sweat pants and a black Henley, Trevor left the master bedroom in search of Joshua Dimmick. He moved by the home office. With the door open, he saw the desk was unoccupied. Sometimes Joshua sat reading local and metropolitan news articles secluded in the office. Either he’d already had his fill of news updates for the day, or his routine varied slightly, and he was already into the next phase of the daily habits.

  In the kitchen, the aromatic fresh coffee prompted Trevor to seek out a mug to fill and sip while he continued to wander. When he moved from the spacious kitchen, through the pristine dining room, to the screen sliding door, he saw Joshua sitting outside on the patio, watching as the collection of songbirds picked over the morning seed he’d filled in the birdfeeders.

  Trevor waited a few minutes watching Joshua from behind. The sagging shoulders, the trimmed, almost military-style haircut, all the little things mattered to Trevor. He loved the man more than he ever thought possible. Trevor was tall, still fit and manly. He exercised at a nearby fitness center in their private community. He was forty-five and had a lifetime ahead of him. What troubled Trevor most was the fact the person he chose to share the rest of that life had lost his way. Reeling from the sudden change, the career cut-short by law enforcement politics, Trevor was ready to help Joshua find his feet again. The trouble was, Joshua remained aloof and inconsolable.

  While the hair on his head and chest transformed from brown to gray over the years, Joshua was still a handsome man. Hazel eyes, square jaw, and broad shoulders, he stayed active even though he had nothing to do but read news articles, watch television from time to time, and maintain vigilance as an amateur birder. The birding was something that appealed to Trevor about Joshua. It shows that once someone got beyond the cop exterior, there was a man who cherished life. Trevor knew that from the beginning of their time together. Joshua was transparent to him, while others saw the opaque outer surface covered in a detective badge.

  “It’s easier to watch from outside,” Joshua called from his lawn chair without turning around. Trevor smiled. Still sharp in most respects, Joshua knew Trevor was there without looking.

  He pulled on the aluminum door, sliding it open to step out into the fresh Virginia air. In was mid-March, winter’s edge retreated from the countryside, clearing skies gave way to more and more sunlight, allowing the heavily rain-saturated ground to dry, giving birth to the buds on the trees and in the garden. While Joshua watched the birds in the backyard and the neighbors in the closed community, Trevor had time to weed and reseed his gardens surrounding their property. It was a simple life, and Trevor loved it. But his partner of twenty years didn’t take to retirement as easily.

  “Good morning,” Trevor said and occupied the empty wooden chair on the flagstone patio.

  They were out of the direct sunlight, and as the weather shifted from winter to spring, it was cool enough in the morning to open the house without worrying about high humidity and intense heat. Once the summer sun took over completely, Fredericksburg, Virginia got hot; too hot to leave a house open to the elements. For now, they had 60° and cooler nights.

  Joshua didn’t respond to the morning comment, and this bothered Trevor though he never mentioned it. Since Joshua retired from the Stafford County Sheriff Department, adjusting to the daily ritual wasn’t easy for him. Trevor knew he had a lot on his mind, but wasn’t the kind of man to share his ideas and feelings.

  “I was thinking of heading to the nursery for a new round of plants this year. Maybe something for the butterflies,” Trevor added surreptitiously.

  Joshua didn’t respond, sipping his coffee, staring out at the fenced-in yard with the flutter of blackbirds around the feeders. Trevor pursed his lips, reached out to touch Joshua’s shoulder. The effect was immediate, Joshua shuddered as if Trevor startled him.

  “Are you okay?” Trevor asked with real concern.

  “Yeah, fine,” was Joshua’s go-to response. It was something he’d said too often, more often than Trevor liked to here. It was obligatory but untrue.

  It was one of those personality traits that he’d never tear down. Joshua wasn’t someone who’d ever opened up about his feelings. He wasn’t interested in showing public displays of affection, but Trevor wasn’t worried about that.

  “Did you hear what I said?” Trevor asked softly.

  Joshua glanced at him. Those hazel eyes had shades of confusion around the edges. He needed a shave. The bristles on Joshua’s face were frosty, matching his receded and trimmed hair. Trevor pressed the palm of his hand against Joshua’s cheek. The bristles were soft against his skin.

  “You’re so far away from me,” he said. Joshua smiled for him.

  “I’m a little lost.” It was a genuine and concerning answer. Trevor worried for Joshua’s health. At forty-eight while he appeared healthy, he wasn’t one to make regular visits to the doctor. Trevor didn’t know when the last time the man had a routine exam. It was pointless to men
tion it to Joshua without expecting a sour reply and no movement.

  “Maybe we can try something, something we’d both enjoy.”

  Wasn’t that the point to retirement? Putting off things they wanted to do in life for when they finally had enough time on their hands to do it. They were opposites in many ways, and that was something that attracted each other in the beginning. Now it felt their differences hindered them getting any closer now that they both had time together. It was a rare exception they had opportunity to start living a life together without having to work every day. Joshua planned to retire. He never expected it to happen the way it did.

  Trevor had retired before Joshua by four years. He’d tenured at Georgetown University, commuted every day on the train from Fredericksburg to Washington DC, and for the last five years together, they moved from a rambling two-story house in Stafford to a private community off Warrenton Road in northern Fredericksburg. It was the right decision for the two of them. Less to worry about when it came to the property, the single-family home was built to meet their individualities on a budget they both afforded. They weren’t seniors, although they were surrounded by senior citizens. They chose the location because Trevor fell in love with the house. Joshua liked that people with children were excluded from the neighborhoods.

  The neighborhood had social clubs, recreational activities, and enough for the residents to stay healthy and active all year around. Houses had three acres with fences to separate properties. The privacy appealed to both of them.

  “I think I’ll just hang out here today.” He finished the coffee and stood. Wearing a button-down shirt and khakis, Joshua even had shoes on. For a man who wasn’t going anywhere that day, he was dressed for an excursion.

  Trevor followed him back into the kitchen and watched Joshua pour another cup of coffee and add vanilla creamer.

  “Why not get out of the house?” Trevor asked again. “Come with me. We can get lunch together downtown. Or maybe take a drive up to the big nursery outside DC. We can make a day of it.”

  Joshua sipped at the coffee and stared at Trevor. He didn’t say anything. Those eyes, the look, everything about his appearance and countenance suggested he had no patience for Trevor that morning and avoided speaking to curb saying anything bitter. There was something about the personality of a former cop. Since Joshua had moved up the ranks at the sheriff’s office, he graduated as a detective before being forced into retirement. Now all he had was the look and still had a permit to carry a gun.

  It burned Trevor’s heart. He cherished the man standing before him but couldn’t see beyond the exterior. Joshua had always been hard to read. That morning, as Trevor slipped from his intense gaze, it felt as if Joshua had no love for him to return.

  Chapter Two

  Joshua saw the gun before he saw the face. In a trained reactive motion, he cleared the 9mm from the hip holster, drew up the gun and fired within ten seconds. Then he saw the face.

  He woke with a start. Catching his breath as if dropped into an icy pool, Joshua sat up. Covered in sweat, heart hammering so hard he felt the pulse pounding in his ears, he looked over in the dark to Trevor’s sleeping form. In the tiny light from the LED wall socket night light, Joshua reached out a trembling hand and laid it against Trevor’s shoulder. He took a deep breath trying to clear his brain of the nightmare, using Trevor’s even breathing to bring him some peace.

  Slipping from the bed, Joshua padded from the bedroom barefoot in boxers and a t-shirt. The single level house had the master bedroom facing the southwest side of the house. The east side of the house with its kitchen, breakfast nook and living room had a view of the side yard including the tall privacy fence and slivers of the neighbor’s house.

  It wasn’t unusual to see the lights on next door at two in the morning. Sometimes when Joshua found it hard to sleep again after the nightmare, he’d wake to see the hazy blue glow from Stuart Chittenden’s large flat screen television. The TV took up a good portion of the man’s living room. It was a source of endless entertainment for him. Since most of the people who lived in the 55 and older community were retired, Stuart had nothing more to do with his life than watch endless hours of cable television.

  But the ambient glow from next door wasn’t electric blue; it was a rusty orange with flashes of brighter yellow-orange. Frowning at what he saw, Joshua moved from the kitchen window to the sliding glass door and hurried outside. Then he smelled it.

  “Trevor, wake up!” he called from the open doorway. “Call 911, Stuart’s house is on fire!”

  Joshua didn’t wait for Trevor’s response from the bedroom. He raced from the patio and rounded the side yard where the wooden fence stopped at the front edge of their joined properties. The moisture-laden grass was slick underfoot, but Joshua managed to turn the corner of the fence at the front yard and barreled against the neighbor’s front door.

  “Stuart!” Joshua shouted, hammering on the door. “Stuart!”

  Quickly, Joshua moved off the front porch of the house, then stumbled through the bushes under the front windows as he rounded the house to the side yard. When Joshua passed the windows of the house, he glanced to the fiery glow pulsating from inside. There were black billowing clouds inside the house.

  Stuart’s bedroom was in the west rear corner of the house. The shades on the windows were drawn closed. Joshua felt the intense heat as he rounded the backside of the house.

  “Stuart!” he shouted again. Nearby neighbors were waking, lights from surrounding houses began to spark to life. The back door to Stuart’s house was unlocked.

  Without a second thought, he opened it. A wall of black smoke rolled out, engulfing him. Covering his mouth with the collar of the t-shirt, Joshua went blindly into the house. The intensity of heat caught Joshua by surprise. Through the black miasmic he saw the origin of the fire came from the bedroom. But the impossible wall of heat made closing the distance in the hallway too much. When he tried to breathe through the thin cotton of the shirt, Joshua filled his lungs with scorching superheated air and thick smoke.

  “Josh!” he heard from somewhere. Moving forward was impractical. Using the wall as a guide, the fire had blistered the latex paint, Joshua’s hand slipped against the bubbles, and he tipped forward.

  “Josh! Where are you?” It was Trevor. He heard the strained voice screaming for him, but now on the floor, a sliver of momentary clear air made it visible to Joshua that he was still in the hallway of the house but unable to move closer to the bedroom.

  A burst over his shoulders came with a douse of ice. Eyes were stinging too much to open for long, and he felt another blast of cold. Then something grabbed his ankle and pulled.

  “Come on!” Trevor said and coughed.

  There was another cold blast that washed over him, coating the wall and floor around him. Through the burning tears, he saw Trevor had the carbon dioxide fire extinguisher from their kitchen. Of course, Trevor thought to bring the extinguisher. He wanted to smile, but Joshua felt his lungs burning, and while he tried to cough, he found it too difficult to pull in enough air to clear the smoke in his lungs.

  Lightheaded, he crawled toward Trevor as the man continued to blast the floor and wall behind Joshua. He heard the approaching screams of the fire trucks as they descended on Stuart’s house.

  Trevor dropped the extinguisher in the doorway. He reached down with both hands, grasped Joshua by the arms and hauled him away from the screen of black choking smoke.

  Others moved around Joshua. Still too blind to see clearly, he felt hands pulling at him, driving him further from the heat. The wet grass soaked through his shirt, coating and cooling his back.

  If the air was clearer, Joshua couldn’t tell because his lungs hurt when he breathed.

  “Are you out of your mind?” Trevor scolded as he scooped up Joshua’s head, cradling in his lap. “You could have been killed!”

  Joshua tried to touch Trevor’s face, but the weight against his arms was too dense. It was as if
he’d fallen into the earth and he was sinking slowly.

  The view closed in. Joshua blinked at Trevor’s worried face. It was too hard to breathe. He hadn’t taken a clear breath in so long that his body weakened and relaxed.

  “Josh!” Trevor called from the top of the tunnel. His beautiful face stared down at Joshua as the rest of the world closed in on him and eventually shuttered Trevor’s face completely. Then he couldn’t hear the man’s voice any longer.

  Chapter Three

  The face in the dark, coming out of nowhere, the look in the eyes, took him by surprise. The reaction was part of the training. The pull of the pistol, the reflex in the aiming, the deafening shot—

  Joshua heard the voices around him before he was awake. He felt the cold oxygen flowing through the face mask over his nose and mouth. Someone pressed a hand against his shoulder. Another person on the other side of the bed touched his forearm.

  “How’s he doing?” the woman asked. Joshua opened his eyes at the sound of his daughter’s voice.

  Nora Tamblyn kept her mother’s maiden name after the divorce twenty-six years ago. Nora might have retained the surname, but she chose her father’s profession as a career.

  “He’s doing fine,” Joshua answered through the mask. He lifted his hand to pull the plastic mask from around his face. He smiled at Nora.

  “Hey, Dad,” she said.

  “Shouldn’t you leave that on?” Trevor asked timidly. Joshua looked from Nora to Trevor’s pale face. His eyes were red from crying. It was impossible to tell how long he’d been crying before Joshua regained consciousness.

  “I’ll be okay,” Joshua replied. His voice was hoarse. His throat felt as if he’d washed sand down and there was an invisible weight pressing his chest.

  “How’s our patient?” the nurse asked as she wandered into the ER suite. Nora moved away from the cardiac monitor and electronic sphygmomanometer so the nurse could check Joshua’s current vital signs. “Looks good. The doctor will be in to see you in a little while.”