by Diana Fraser
“I thought I could,” she blurted out.
He frowned. “Could what?”
“Go with you to your family home, but it wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right—”
“Okay, slow down. Start from the beginning,” Gabe said.
“Right. I told you before that I’m not into dating.” She sucked in a sudden breath and focused on her hands, fisting them tight to control the tension which threatened to erupt. “You see, I was engaged to be married.”
Gabe sat down suddenly. “What?”
“When my fiancé died.”
“Ah.” Gabe exhaled slowly, the relief easily visible as he registered the past tense. But when he raised his eyes to hers, she saw nothing but sympathy. “Your ‘close’ friend was your fiancé.”
“Yes. And it’s been… difficult.”
“I’m sure. And you found yourself among family who had put two and two together, and made five and talked about us as if we were a couple. That must have felt very strange.”
She nodded, relieved that he’d understood, even if it was only half the story. “More than strange. I felt disloyal.” She shook her head vehemently as she recalled her feelings. “And I felt duplicitous, a liar… so many bad things that trashed the memory of my fiancé and me, of our relationship. But I’m sorry, none of that has anything to do with you, and I shouldn’t have gone tearing off like that. You and your family must think I’m crackers.”
“No, of course not.” After a moment’s hesitation, he shrugged, as he’d reconsidered. “Well, maybe a little.”
She grinned at his honesty. “I’m only strange about that one thing. Honest.”
“Just the one? That’s far less than most of us.”
She laughed. “You’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“Am I succeeding?”
“Not really. But please apologize to your family.”
His eyes narrowed on hers. “No, I won’t.”
“What?”
“No, I won’t apologize. You can.”
“But… Gabe. Please.”
“Ah, you call me Gabe now you want to get around me.”
She shook her head and sat back looking troubled. He took pity on her. He leaned forward and took her hands in his.
“I won’t apologize, because you should. Go round to Belendroit, see my dad while I’m away and apologize. Come on, Maddy. It won’t mean anything from me. And, if you can pluck up the courage to return to Belendroit, it’ll help you to move on.”
“But—” Colliding thoughts tied Maddy’s tongue.
“But… you don’t want to move on?” Gabe asked gently.
She shook her head. Tears threatened, and she pulled her hands from his. She grimaced and squeezed her eyes shut. He sat back in resignation.
“Then why are you here, Maddy? Why are you here in Akaroa, with me now, if you don’t want to live your life?”
She opened her eyes and willed her eyes to communicate a small part of her pain and confusion to him. “Because he wanted me to live my life,” she whispered huskily. “Because I promised him I would.”
He was quiet for a long moment. He opened his mouth to speak, before closing it again. Perhaps she’d succeeded. “He must have been some guy,” he said quietly.
She nodded. “He was.”
“Then you have to do it. Not only for you but for him. Think of it as his last gift to you.”
She shifted her mind away from the pain inside. His words threatened to disintegrate the last threads of her control. She knew she’d break down into a quivering mess but she just hoped it would be later, not now, not in front of Gabe. In an effort to rein in her emotions, she looked down into her cup of cold coffee which was looking worse than it did before, if that were possible, and took it to the sink.
“This,” she said, swilling the cup under the tap, “must have been the most awful cup of coffee I’ve ever tasted.”
Gabe grinned. “Insult my coffee-making skills if you must, but you can’t divert attention away from the fact that you have to get on with your life. You owe it to the both of you.”
She turned to face him and gripped the kitchen bench. “You’re right, Gabe. I know you’re right. I have no choice.”
He summoned a weak smile. “It sounds like you’re bolstering yourself up. But do whatever you have to do. Sometimes in order to go on, you have to trick yourself. But those first fake steps become a habit, and before you know it, you find you’re engaged with life again, that you’re enjoying it.”
“So… where do I start?”
“Start? How about by telling me about yourself. Not your fiancé, unless you want to, but about yourself.”
“Sure.” Maddy leaned forward, feeling as if a load had been taken off her shoulders. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything,” he said. “All the things you’ve been holding back from me.” Then he went to the fridge and took out a couple of beers, flipped their caps, and offered her one. “I think you’ll like this better. I didn’t make it.”
She grinned. “Thanks.”
“Start by telling me why you’re doing people’s accounts when you’re a trained and experienced archaeologist.”
“Ah, that.” She took a sip of her beer. “I worked for universities for a few years after graduating but gave it away after I met my fiancé. He wanted me with him and my contract had ended at the University of Amsterdam. And after he died? Well, I didn’t want to stay in one place.” She shrugged and frowned, her mind far away. “So I moved around and adapted my skills.”
“And you don’t mind doing work like that?”
“No. I know some people are challenged by computers and organizing data, I know it’s not everybody’s forte, so I’m glad to help.”
“And I’m glad of your help. But, you know, the University of Canterbury in Christchurch has an archaeology department. While you’re here, why don’t you check them out? They organize digs from time to time on the peninsula. Not ancient history, maybe, but still interesting. They research Maori settlements, and early colonial times.”
“Oh!” For a moment Maddy’s interest was piqued, and she had a vision of herself working on such a project. The vision faded as quickly as it came. “No. I’m only here for six months tops.”
“They’re not going to worry about that. I bet they’d welcome someone with your specialist expertise.”
“Why are you keen for me to do this?”
“I like you, Maddy. I really like you. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to compete with your fiancé. I hope we’re friends, and friends help one another. And I’d like to help you if you’ll let me.”
She smiled without hesitation. “I’ll let you. And thank you. I’d forgotten what it was like to have friends.”
“You must have them.”
“Of course. But, I’ve gone off the radar this last year and haven’t been in touch.”
“Why?”
“I guess I didn’t want to be happy, not without… not without my fiancé.”
“And now? What’s changed?”
Her smile faded, but her gaze became firmer. “I’m keeping my promise to him.”
Gabe frowned. “And what was the nature of that promise?”
“All I can say is that part of that promise was to keep it quiet. Not to tell anyone.”
“That sounds mysterious.”
She shrugged. “It made sense to him. I’m not sure why. But part of it is staying here for at least six months. Which seems pretty hard when you haven’t stayed anywhere longer than a few days.”
“Why here?”
She shook her head. “I can’t say.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
She bit her lip and shook her head again. “I’m sorry, Gabe. I’m just trying to keep my promise. For reasons of his own, he wanted me to stay here for a length of time. He knew I’d find it hard.”
“He knew you’d feel lost.”
She nodded. “But I wasn’t always lost.”
“Then maybe you’ll be found again. Soon, I hope.”
She hoped so too. But no matter how soon it was, she didn’t think Gabe would want to be around when the truth emerged.
* * *
Later that evening, Maddy and Flo were sitting outside drinking tea when Gabe walked up the path.
“Evening, ladies,” he said. “Mind if I join you?”
“Join away, doctor,” said Flo, rising. “I’ve work to do anyway. I hear you’re flying off again tomorrow.”
“Yep, first thing.” He pulled something from his back pocket. “I’ve just come to give you this.” He held out a business card to Maddy.
She took it and turned it over. It was from the university. “I got in touch with an old friend of mine at the university who has a mate in the archaeology department. As I mentioned before, they’ve been keen to carry out some work in Akaroa for some time.”
She took the card reluctantly. “Thanks, but I’m not sure.”
“What are you not sure about, Maddy?” asked Flo. She took the card from Maddy’s hand and turned it round, read it, and handed it back to her. “It sounds like a good opportunity.”
She frowned as she looked at it, feeling a familiar fizz of excitement in her gut at the sight of the university crest and motto. She looked up at Gabe who was leaning against the pillar of the veranda. The last rays of sunlight cast a golden light around him, obscuring the detail of his face. But she could feel his eyes searching her for an answer. She felt a rush of warmth for this man who’d gone out of his way to help her. “It’s very kind of you. Thanks.”
“But…” he said. “I feel a ‘but’ coming on.”
She shrugged. “I don’t think I’ll contact them.” She laid down the business card on the table, but its presence seemed to fill the air between them.
“Why not? Surely you can’t be fulfilled by doing accounts day in, day out, with some hostel cleaning thrown in for variety.” He glanced at Flo. “Sorry Flo, no offense intended.”
“None taken.” Flo looked at Maddy. “He’s got a point, Maddy. This seems like too good an opportunity to miss.”
“I’m fine as I am. I don’t need anything else.”
Gabe sat on the bench facing her. “Now, Miss MacGillivray, I would suggest the opposite and, as you know, I’m a doctor, and you can trust me.”
The others laughed.
“Ah, but I’m also a doctor,” said Maddy, “so I can also trust my own instincts.”
“You’re a doctor, Maddy?” asked Flo. “You didn’t tell me that!”
“Not of medicine. The Ph.D. was in archaeology.”
“Ah, so I rest my case. I’m in a better position to advise on your health,” said Gabe.
“Physical health. Not mental, or emotional,” she added. “Besides, I don’t want to do it.”
He caught her eye, and she couldn’t look away. Flo cleared her throat and rose “I’d best go and clear up.”
Neither of them said anything as Flo’s footsteps creaked through the house to the back room where they heard her begin talking to a resident.
He sat forward, his arms resting on his knees, less than a table width between them. “I don’t believe you.”
She blinked and looked away. She couldn’t meet his gaze without admitting that he was right.
“Maddy,” he said, tilting his head to one side, so she had no choice but to look at him. “Come on, what’s this about?”
“It’s about the fact I’m here for six months only—”
“It could be longer if you wanted it to be—”
“And I want to keep things as straightforward as possible.”
“Meaning you don’t want to enjoy yourself too much, or else you might stay.”
She grunted with annoyance. Why was he so determined to make her stay? “No, I won’t stay. I don’t stay anywhere.”
“You could start.”
She shook her head.
“Not that you’re interested at all, but there’s a rumor that there was a fort at Belendroit in the early days, you know.”
She frowned. “What, like a blockhouse?”
“What’s a blockhouse?” he asked.
“It’s like a house on huge stilts which people could retreat to if they came under attack. I guess it was the nineteenth-century equivalent to a motte and bailey castle—palisades and earthworks all around to protect it, and ultimately a safe place people could withdraw to. So you think one of those was at Belendroit?”
“So they say. But no one knows for sure because Dad had this argument with the Chancellor at the university—God knows over what—and refused to give permission for a dig which had been in preparation for years.”
“That’s a shame. Because now I think about it, the setting would have been perfect for a blockhouse. Natural protection all around.”
“Yes, it’s too good an opportunity to miss. That’s what I thought.” But by the way he was looking at her, he didn’t know if he was referring to unearthing something archaeologically significant on the site or getting Maddy involved. “So that’s why I brought it up with Dad again.”
She shook her head in disbelief. “You don’t waste time, do you?”
“No, there’s none to waste.”
“So what did your Dad say?”
“I’ve managed to persuade him that a small dig would be a good idea. I worked on the fact that I know he’d enjoy having the people around. Plus the fact he’d been proved correct in this stupid argument he had with the Chancellor didn’t hurt. The university is keen for you to be involved, Maddy.” He rubbed his finger thoughtfully against his lips. “I thought you might be interested in the fact that his GIS engineer is on sabbatical at the moment, and they have some expensive equipment lying around without anyone skilled enough to use it.”
Before she knew what she was doing her curiosity had gotten the better of her, and she picked up the card again, and read it, her interest piqued despite all the arguments to the contrary. “Really? What kind?”
Gabe grinned. “God knows. You’ll have to call him to find out.”
Then she realized that Gabe had won. She’d call the person on the card because she was too darn curious not to.
“Well, okay, if it helps them out over the summer, and I’m around, I guess it would be silly not to.”
“Crazy. Irresponsible even,” he added with a grin.
“Okay, you’ve made your point.” She paused. “Thanks again.” She was fully aware that Gabe must have pulled quite a few strings to get this organized.
“No problem.” He sat back, and grinned. “So you’re going to call him?”
She nodded and smiled, no longer able to suppress her excitement at the thought of returning to the work she loved. “But what about your accounts?”
“You’ve organized me, you’ve set up systems to continue to organize me, so I think you can safely say your work with me is done, don’t you?”
“I’ve thought that for some time. But you’ve kept me on anyway, haven’t you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t turn away a good thing.” And from the look in his eyes, she knew that that comment didn’t only include her computer skills. He stood up. “I have to go.”
She rose too. “Thanks for everything.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Just call the university, and keep that promise to your fiancé. Get involved, find your passion again.” Without waiting for a response, he turned and walked away.
She watched Gabe disappear around the corner and tapped the card on the arm of her chair. He was right; everything he’d said was correct. She was an intelligent woman who was letting her past destroy her present. For Gabe’s sake, as well as for her own, she had to apply the same kind of focus she gave to other people’s past, to herself.
And the trouble Gabe had gone to on her behalf made the focus a lot easier. It was like something was pulling her forward into her future, a future of possibility and hope, instead of anchoring her into a
past from which there was no escape. With Jonny’s firm hold on her memory she felt guilty when she was happy. She felt disloyal when she found she’d forgotten him for a while, and most of all she felt angry—angry that he’d left her. It was stupid, it was irrational, but there it was. Seemed the science nerd wasn’t so in control of everything after all.
Yes, she needed to apply her scientific rigor to herself. She imagined herself as an historical figure, someone she was discovering from the past. She held up that person and inspected her, and began making plans—plans composed of straightforward, logical steps. She had work to do to unravel the knots and chaos which her past had wrought, but with Gabe’s help, she’d make a start.
8
Maddy marked another discreet black tick on the wall planner in Flo’s office cubbyhole and stepped away to survey her handiwork. The seventies angle-poise lamp shone on its laminated surface, illuminating the row of ticks which marked the days since she’d arrived.
Flo had assumed it was Maddy’s way of checking off the day’s workload. She was partly right. Maddy was checking off the days, but the check mark in the bottom right-hand corner of each day had nothing to do with workload. Maddy was counting down the days until the six months of her promise to Jonny was over. But the calendar before her indicated that only half that time had passed.
“Sorry, Jonny,” she said under her breath, before turning away.
She couldn’t do it any longer. She thought she could keep up the pretense of being a casual visitor while getting to know Gabe and the rest of the Connelly family for Jonny’s sake. But it had all been a whole lot easier before she’d fallen in love with Gabe, before she’d become attached to the whole Connelly family, before she’d felt that Akaroa could be the one home that she’d never dared imagine she could have. But nothing was easy anymore. And she had to face up to that, for Gabe’s sake.
She glanced at the clock. Time to go.
* * *
Maddy had let a week go by before she’d plucked up the courage to ring Jim Connelly. She had the feeling he’d been expecting her call—no doubt primed by Gabe—because he’d immediately invited her to Belendroit for afternoon tea. And here she was—punctual and very, very nervous. She smoothed down her dress and looked around, unsure of her welcome despite what Gabe had said, despite the invitation.