by Diana Fraser
“I wish I could forget it,” said Max. “It was like the third world war.”
“Toy car?” said Gabe. “It was not just a toy car! It was a Batman Batmobile. I loved it. I’d saved up my earnings—”
“You had earnings as a kid?” Laura laughed. “What did you do?”
“He used to help out at the vet’s surgery, didn’t you, Gabe?” replied Max. “If my little brother wasn’t sticking plasters on Amber while she lay in her crib, he was rescuing animals and taking them to the local vets.”
Gabe grinned. “I think they got so fed up with me bringing them injured animals, they thought they’d better occupy me inside the vets. Cleaning out the cages, mopping up the excrement and vomit.”
“Ew,” said Laura, screwing up her lovely face. “That sounds gross.”
“Yes,” admitted Gabe. “It does. But I loved it.” He glanced up and saw Maddy perched on the arm of a chair inside the study, watching them, and smiled, apparently understanding her need to be apart for a while. He turned back to Max. “I guess I’ve always had a gross side.”
“What you have, dear brother, is a caring side.” Max considered for a few moments. “In fact, I don’t think it could be described as a ‘side.’ It’s just you. Through and through. Like a piece of rock candy, you have ‘caring’ imprinted on your core.”
Gabe grunted. Maddy knew by now that he didn’t like to be praised, or be the center of attention. “I didn’t feel so caring when Jonny nicked my Batmobile.”
Maddy suddenly had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“Why did he do that?” asked Laura.
Gabe shrugged. “He wanted it. But don’t worry, I nicked it back again.”
“And so it went on,” Jim said to Laura. “The twins’ bickering used to drive Mary to distraction. I used to tell her to ignore it; they were boys being boys. But she was scared they didn’t love each other.”
“We loved each other,” Gabe said quietly. Maddy had never seen such an expression on his face before. He usually covered his feelings and emotions up with a cheery persona, but now she could see the similarity with Jonny, now she could see the depths of his feelings for his twin brother. “We just weren’t very good at showing it.”
Jim grunted. “I’m going to see what’s left in the fridge. Anyone want any cheese?”
After collecting orders, Jim disappeared inside.
Laura sat up and stretched out her hand and touched Gabe. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Gabe looked up, startled. “Everyone’s loss.”
“But especially yours. They say a twin’s bond has depths that no one can understand.”
The glow of the evening had faded for Maddy, leaving only a sense of responsibility. She’d tell Gabe later tonight. It was time. No doubt after she’d told him he’d think it was past time.
Needing to get away, Maddy walked around to the rear of the house which overlooked the water. Rachel and Zane were sitting on the back deck looking up at the stars, while Etta enjoyed a midnight swim.
Etta suddenly waved and shouted for Zane, who jumped up with athletic ease and jogged down to the jetty. Rachel followed him and Maddy sat on the bench they’d just vacated, looking out across the moonlit sea. Her mind drifted back to the time Jonny had first told her about Belendroit.
It had been in a café in Amsterdam, and she’d run in to meet him, kissed him and proceeded to talk about a friend she’d just bumped into, at the same time sipping from the beer he’d ordered. She had taken her a good five minutes to realize that something was wrong. He’d been too quiet. He’d never been too quiet—the result of growing up with seven noisy siblings and two noisy parents, he’d always claimed. But she suspected it was simply who he was—noisy, vivid, alive. She’d asked him what was wrong, but instead of telling her he’d described Belendroit.
He’d taken a sip of his usual glass of red wine and described the view from the back deck of his family home. How in full sun the glare of the light on the water had you pulling down the rattan blinds his mother had hung, diffusing the light, making the veranda into another room. But then, how at midnight, the new moon would rise directly opposite, peeping over the hills and casting a silver light across the water. Apparently, it was a family tradition to swim into it, creating little stars of bioluminescence in their wakes. He’d explained that the effect—neon-colored stars and exploding flashes—was stronger when there was no moon, but the eerie glow was still there in late summer when the water was warm enough.
And that was what was happening now. Zane had stripped off to his shorts, and joined Etta in the water, swimming strongly out toward the pontoon which was moored just off the point. Rachel stood on the jetty, watching them.
She hadn’t understood at first why Jonny had told her this in such vivid detail. But then he told her, with increasing agitation that he was convinced he was going to die young, despite all her arguments to the contrary. He’d been obsessed with the idea of family and insisted on her agreeing to visit Belendroit and make amends to his family for the things he’d done in the past. He’d only calmed down after she’d agreed to do as he asked—visit Belendroit for six months, at the end of which she should tell them about her and him. She didn’t think for one minute it would ever eventuate, especially after he went back on his medication. But within a month he’d gone, leaving her with nothing except a promise to keep.
There was a shout, and Rachel laughed and returned to her chair beside Maddy. Maddy was brought back to the present with heart-wrenching suddenness. She blinked and surreptitiously swiped her fingers under her eyes.
Rachel turned with a smile which froze on her lips. “Are you okay? Anything the matter?”
Maddy cleared her throat and shook her head, hoping that the light was sufficiently dim to cover her sadness. “No, I’m fine. It’s just so beautiful, isn’t it?” She looked firmly out to sea, hoping Rachel’s gaze would follow suit. It did after a few moments, lured by the sight of her husband and daughter swimming in the calm sea, illuminated by bright blue flashes of light.
“It sure is.” Rachel said. “I can’t believe I waited so long to return home.”
Maddy suddenly felt anxious. She opened her mouth to speak—anything to change the subject from home and family—but thoughts formed briefly before evaporating into the night, and Rachel beat her to it.
“I wish Jonny had told us where he was, what he was doing. Anything. And I wish he hadn’t argued with Gabe that night; I wish that I knew something of his life after he’d left us.” Rachel looked up at Maddy with tears in her eyes. “So many wishes. But all I know is that he left in a fury, and died without any message, without any attempt to reunite with us.” She retrieved a handkerchief from her pocket. “I’m sorry, but we’ve all tried not to say anything, or do anything, to make it worse, but somehow it’s worse not saying anything.”
Tentatively, Maddy reached out and squeezed Rachel’s hand. It was all she could do for her before her own heart broke. “I’m sorry.”
Rachel blew her nose and smiled a smile that was too bright. “Nothing for you to be sorry about! But thank you, anyway.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” she repeated, unable to bear it any longer. She jumped up and pulled her cardigan closer around her. “I have to go. Thanks so much for everything.”
Rachel tried to laugh through her tears. “Everything? It was just dinner! Dinner followed by a few tears. That doesn’t deserve your thanks.”
“You know it was more than that. And I have to leave.”
Rachel frowned, and also rose. “That sounds very final. It’s not, is it? You’re not going anywhere, are you?”
Maddy hadn’t meant to be so obvious, but it was too late to backtrack. And she couldn’t do that to any of the Connelly family, especially not Rachel. She shrugged as she tried to frame unframeable words.
There was a sudden shout from Etta. “Mom!”
Rachel looked over with a smile before turning back to Maddy
and taking her hand. “Tell me, is everything all right between you and Gabe?”
“Sure,” Maddy said. “Sure,” she said, more strongly this time. “You go.”
There was another call, and she could see Rachel was torn. “Are you sure?”
“Sure, I’m sure.”
“I’ll see you soon, then.” Rachel jumped down the steps and went running onto the jetty to where Etta was pushing herself out of the water, shivering slightly. Maddy stood watching as, after Rachel helped Etta out of the sea, Zane put up his hand and pulled Rachel into the water with a splash. After an initial squawk, things went very quiet as Etta ran back up the jetty toward the house, oblivious to the meaning of the lack of sound coming from the water.
That was love, Maddy thought to herself. Pure, uncomplicated love. How she wished it could be like that for her.
Maddy walked up the beach toward the house and hesitated before joining the others. She was more aware than ever that she was an outsider here, and didn’t feel able to join them. Instead, she listened to Etta responding to questions from Laura of whom she was totally in awe. Etta was talking about the rugby scholarship it looked like she’d receive in the US and her hopes for her future. The conversation broadened into all of their hopes for the future. The family was all so certain, so confident, that Maddy knew without a doubt their hopes would eventuate. She didn’t think she could ever recall possessing such confidence. And yet it seemed to exist in abundance in Belendroit. Even the adults had retained that confidence. Or, with some, maybe they’d mislaid it along the way, but re-found it again.
“You look lost in thought.” Gabe’s voice drifted to her, and she looked up to see him, half-hidden by the wisteria at the end of the deck, looking out toward the sea.
“In thought, maybe,” she said climbing up the steps to him. “But not lost.”
He reached out for her hand and pulled her to him. He pushed back her hair from her face. “That’s better, now I can see you.” He pretended to inspect her face. She could almost feel the trail of his gaze, as if it were a feather teasing sensation from her. He smiled as he noticed her reaction and tilted her chin to catch the candlelight. “I think you’re wrong. I think you have been lost, but now you’ve been found.”
She opened her mouth to deny it but before she could speak his lips pressed to hers. Her remonstrance turned into a gasp as his tongue slid against hers. She melted against him, and his arms grew stronger to support her. The kiss grew in intensity as their bodies pressed hard against each other. Hot desire ignited deep inside her, fanned by the pressure of his hand pulling her against him. She wanted his hand to move to lower, she wanted the kiss never to end, she wanted him, completely.
It was the sound of people emerging on the deck around the corner to them which eventually made them pull apart.
Gabe cupped her face and kissed her again briefly on the lips. “Will you stay with me tonight, Maddy?”
Yes, she’d stay with him, and she’d tell him everything. She couldn’t postpone it any longer. It wasn’t fair to Gabe, and it wasn’t fair to her, either. She’d done as much as she could to keep Jonny’s promise, but enough was enough.
She nodded. “Yes, I will.”
“Let’s go and say our goodbyes.”
As Maddy said goodnight to the Connellys, she couldn’t help thinking that this could be the last time she saw them. After tonight Gabe would know about her and Jonny—as would the rest of the Connellys, no doubt—and just like the Connellys usually did, they’d rally around their brother to protect him, and shut her out. And she deserved it, of course. She’d kept a secret from them, one which she doubted they’d ever forgive her for.
She waved her last farewells to the family, and to Rachel and Zane who were finally emerging from the water, and walked quickly toward the beach path.
“Are you okay?” Gabe asked, sensing her strange mood.
“Sure,” she smiled. “I had a lovely evening. But…”
“But you found my family a bit too much at times? I saw you taking time out in the study. Listening to us, but for some reason wanting to stay in the background.”
She shrugged. “I’m an introvert, through and through. I need my alone time.”
He grinned and put his arm around her. “And you can have it… so long as I’m allowed to be alone with you.”
Maddy pressed her head against his shoulder. “Sure can. So long as you’re quiet.”
His chuckle vibrated through her cheek, and he kissed her hair. “I can’t promise total silence.”
She lifted her head, and he turned her in his arms. “That’s good, nor me.”
He kissed her, and her world kaleidoscoped into that one thing—his lips on hers, moving, cajoling, caressing. She would have agreed to anything at that moment but he suddenly pulled away, and the real world fell back into place around her.
He brushed his thumb across her lips. “We’ll never get home at this rate.” He took her hand, and they continued walking. “Talk to me.”
“About what?”
“Anything to get my mind off the idea of ravishing you on the beach.”
“Oh! Is that such a bad idea?”
“Maddy,” Gabe growled. “You’re not helping.”
“Well, I don’t know what to talk about!”
“Ask me a question.”
“Okay…”
“Anything you want to know about me.”
“Right. There is something.” She glanced at him to see his reaction. “Why aren’t you married?”
“I nearly was. To Juliet.”
“Who’s Juliet?”
“Before your time.”
Jonny hadn’t told Maddy anything about Gabe’s love life except that he was hopeless at it. That he only fell for mysterious women who he needed to protect, but they’d always been seriously flaky. “So what went wrong?”
“I realized I wasn’t the right man for her.”
“In what way?”
“In the only way that mattered.”
She waited for him to elaborate.
He stopped walking and turned to her. “I didn’t love her. Not enough, anyway. And I could never marry someone whom I didn’t love. It wouldn’t be fair, on either of us.”
The night insects chirruped in the native bush behind the trees which lined the path. It pulsed with a sense of expectation.
“Was she upset?”
“Yes. She thought we should marry, and that I’d grow to love her.”
“Ah, that’s sad.”
“Yes, and it was hard to tell her that I thought that wouldn’t happen.”
“You did the right thing. I don’t believe time has much influence on feelings.”
“What do you mean?”
She shrugged. “Just that you can know within a short span of time whether you love someone.”
He grunted in surprise. “Yes, you’re right. So there’s not much point in waiting is there? Not when you know for sure.”
She frowned, not understanding.
“Will you marry me, Maddy?”
Of all the things she’d imagined he was about to say, this hadn’t entered her radar. “Marry you? Gabe!”
“I know it’s sudden, but what’s the point in waiting when everything is so right. I love you; you must know that by now. And I think you might love me too.”
She shook her head. This wasn’t meant to have gone like this! She needed to tell him something, explain things to him, not listen to a proposal of marriage from him.
“Are you at a complete loss for words?”
She shook her head. “No, I have words, but I think they’re the wrong ones.”
His face fell. “I don’t understand.”
She rubbed the heel of her hand against her forehead, willing it to ease the tension which had sprung up. “Maybe, for the moment, I don’t want you to.”
“You don’t want to marry me.”
“No, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings f
or you.”
“Feelings? That’s pretty vague. My patients have feelings for me; and I’m sure our spaniels have feelings for me.”
There was only one way to show him how deep her feelings went. She lifted her face to his and kissed him, trying to put everything she felt, but couldn’t allow herself to say, into that kiss.
He pulled away before she was ready and pressed his forehead against hers. “Okay, so your feelings are different to our dogs.”
She grinned. “We need to talk, Gabe.”
“Then talk.”
She looked around. A dark path in the middle of nowhere wasn’t the place for what she had to say. “Not here.”
“My place? A glass of wine and a chat?”
She nodded and stepped away from him, releasing his hands. “Sounds good.”
They walked the rest of the way without touching, their conversation resolutely sticking to neutral ground, as if neither dared trust themselves with anything personal.
But it all changed when they arrived at Gabe’s house. The minute they walked into the narrow hallway, Maddy brushed against him as he held the door open, and he raised his hand and caressed her arm. Startled, she turned to find there was no longer any gap between them. She couldn’t have said who kissed whom, but the effect was dramatic. Within seconds a passion was ignited from which there was no going back.
Their hands were over each other’s body, tugging at the clothing, searching for the hot skin beneath, their breathing coming faster as they stumbled toward the bedroom. Their mouths were too busy for further words, and they fell onto the bed as one.
* * *
The first thing Gabe did when he awoke was to feel for Maddy. But his hand clenched around the sheets, not the sensuous, responsive body he’d spent the night exploring. Somewhere, deep inside, he’d known she’d be missing when he awoke.
When she’d rejected his proposal, he’d reasoned to himself that he’d surprised her and that she’d come round, because he could have sworn that she felt for him the same as he felt for her. But now he had to admit that, as amazing as their night together had been, she’d been holding back, and that she obviously didn’t intend to accept his proposal of marriage.