We arrived at the movie theatre, and I could feel the tension rolling off of him as we took our seats. “Please tell your mother I’d be happy to come,” I offered. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that looking forward to a holiday might be a good thing for a change.
He didn’t even look at me. “Why don’t we wait until we get closer to the occasion? Who knows? By then you could be dating someone completely new.”
I stared at his profile and fought the tears. He was starting to feel resentment towards me, and I couldn’t blame him.
The lights dimmed and I tried to focus on the movie. Finally, twenty minutes in, I couldn’t bear it any longer. Sitting miserable in a movie theatre while my maybe-boyfriend, who was no longer a secret, hated me for something I wasn’t able to give him wasn’t something I could stomach any longer. I stood up, scooted out of the aisle, and made my way out of the theatre. Hopefully, Josh would assume I’d gone to the restroom.
It was about a mile back to my apartment, but I didn’t care. The problem was I wasn’t sure which direction to walk. I vaguely remembered the drive, but we’d gone to the restaurant first, and that had been further away from my place. I looked around, but there were no taxis. The difference between New Haven and New York was never more obvious than now.
“Haylee, what are you doing?” Josh was suddenly beside me on the sidewalk.
“I just need to go home, Josh. This isn’t working. You are going to end up despising me, and I’ll hate myself for letting that happen.”
He looked at me for a moment before responding. “Let me drive you,” he said quietly.
No arguments about how he wasn’t going to hate me, no fight about how he still wanted to be with me. Just a cool resignation in his voice that broke my heart a little.
He pulled into to the parking lot of my building.
I found myself unable to move. “Sometimes I resent my parents for leaving me,” I whispered. I could only stare straight ahead even though I knew he’d turned his head towards me. “I get angry with them, with God, and then at myself for even feeling that way.” This was the first time I’d ever admitted that out loud.
Josh sat there awhile silent and then cut the engine and got out of the rental car. He went around to my side, opened the door, and unbuckled me. He didn’t say a word as he scooped me up and carried me into my apartment. He lay me down on my bed and undressed me like he would a child, shed his own clothes, and enveloped me under the comforter. We lay there awhile before he finally spoke.
“It means a lot that you would share that with me. The only thing I will tell you is that I’m here to listen anytime without judgement. I could tell you until I’m blue in the face that you’re entitled to feel that way, but it won’t matter unless you believe that.” He paused and leaned back so that he could kiss my forehead. “I’m sorry for what I said in the movie theatre.”
“But?” I could hear the word in his voice.
“But you’re not going to truly know if I’m what you want unless you have a chance to be without me. As much as I hate the thought, you need to figure out what you want from your future and if you want me to be a part of it. The worst thing I could do is keep pressuring you into something you’re not sure of. You’d resent me. And you’re right, I am starting to begrudge playing it by ear.”
I swallowed hard. “Are you breaking up with me?” I whispered.
He shook his head and traced my face. “You did that the night of your going-away party. I’m just ready to let you go now.”
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
Josh had been right. Fall was beautiful in New Haven. The trees were brilliant colors, and the weather was crisp. I was six weeks post-Josh and moved through my daily routine in a fog. Instead of embracing the college social life, I threw myself into my studies. I wasn’t trying to be a hermit, but I wasn’t motivated to do anything except an occasional study group. Somewhere deep down, I knew I was fighting the depression that threatened to take over, but I couldn’t seem to flip it off like I wanted to. I’d come to the conclusion that I’d blown it with Josh. It was ironic that in pushing him away, I’d brought on the very pain I’d hope to avoid.
I spent Thursday night finishing up a paper for my Torts class. My phone rang and I smiled for the first time in weeks at Will’s number on the screen. I hadn’t talked to him since I’d arrived back from Australia and told him Josh and I were taking things day by day. It would be good to talk to a friend.
“Hey, Will.”
“Hiya, Haylee. What are you doing this weekend?”
“No plans. Why, are you heading to New Haven?”
“No, but I was hoping you might be persuaded to come to New York. I have a shoot tomorrow that they need a female model on. It’s for Calvin Klein, and you’d be in men’s underwear. They’d be thrilled if you were able do it.”
“Uh, what time?”
“Eleven o’clock and it’s only scheduled for ninety minutes. And, if I can steal you away from Josh for a couple of hours, we could go out for lunch after?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that we’d broken up, but I just couldn’t seem to say the words out loud. “I’d like that, Will. I’ve missed my friends.” That part was true, but I’d pushed them away, too. I’d opted to blow off Catherine and Sasha whenever they texted me by telling them I was busy with school and loving New Haven. They’d stopped asking when I was coming into the city. I wondered if they were aware of the breakup by now.
“Cool. I will text you the address and see you there.”
***
The next day I was tempted to text Josh and tell him I was going to be in town. Or just show up on his doorstep tonight. The problem was that, for all I knew, he had a new girlfriend by now. I wasn’t sure I would survive seeing him with someone else.
Meanwhile, considering I didn’t have any place to stay the night, I figured I’d just catch a late train home.
I was a little ahead of schedule when the cab from the train station pulled up in front of the address in Chelsea, Will had texted me. The shoot was in a contemporary art gallery on the second floor of a repurposed warehouse. I headed in.
Will hadn’t arrived yet, but the Calvin Klein rep greeted me by name and got me directly into hair and makeup. “We have men’s sizes, you look to be about a size two-four in women’s, is that right?” she asked.
I met her look in the mirror. “Uh, more like four-six.”
She grabbed some briefs and brought them over.
I pulled them up and frowned. They were really baggy. I’d probably lost a couple of pounds in the last few weeks but definitely not a full size.
“Let’s get you a smaller pair,” she offered.
I slipped on the smaller size briefs and a white tank top and headed out to the main room. I was all smiles for Will, who was shirtless and in his own briefs.
“Hey, you.” I gave him a hug and then cocked my head when he frowned at me.
“Jesus, Haylee, how much weight have you lost?”
“Maybe a couple of pounds,” I answered in a small voice.
He didn’t look like he bought it. “More like a full size, maybe more. I thought college was supposed to pack on the pounds,” he teased as we took our places in front of the screen.
The scene was pretty straightforward. We were done two changes and just over an hour later.
“Come on, let’s go get something to eat before you fall over,” Will said, taking my arm and leading me outside.
“Why do I feel like you’re mad?” I asked, confused.
“Because you’re wasting away. What is going on with you?”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “First I’m too fat to be a model at a size six. Now I’m down a size, and I’m suddenly too thin. I can’t fucking win.”
His eyes softened, and he studied my face. “Did something happen?”
I shrugged. “Josh gave me what I wanted. Space and the knowledge that the best way for me to keep from feeling
abandoned by someone I love is to fuck it up before they have a chance to do that.”
“Shit. I’m sorry, Haylee girl. Let’s get something to eat, and you can fill me in.”
A half hour later we had a pizza in front of us, and I’d caught him up on most of the details.
“So you haven’t reached out to him or told him that you’re miserable without him?”
I looked at him in surprise. “Why would I reach out? He said he was letting me go.”
Will shook his head and sighed. “Yeah, until you were ready. He thinks he’s giving you the space you need to figure things out. Considering you’ve just said you fucked it up, why the hell haven’t you told him that?”
“So you think I should go there tonight?” I was suddenly hopeful.
“Uh, maybe you should call him first.”
I knew instantly that he was thinking what I had been. That there was a possibility Josh could be with someone else tonight. The thought made me sick to my stomach. “I think I’ll just take the train back instead. I’m sorry to bag on the rest of our lunch, but I’m just not feeling good.”
He reached out and took my hand. “Haylee, you’re worrying me. You need to eat.”
“I’m fine, Will, but thank you. I’m going to catch a cab and then a train home. Thanks for thinking of me for the shoot, and we’ll be in touch.” I was suddenly too warm and too emotional to sit for one more moment. I threw down a twenty and got up too fast. The room spun, and I felt the blood leave my head.
“Fuck, Haylee. I’ve got you.” Will’s voice sounded like it was in a tunnel.
“I’m all right,” I whispered and felt a cup lifted to my lips.
“Drink slow,” Will coaxed. “I’m going to sit you up. Easy, now.”
I realized my upper body was being supported by Will while my butt and legs were on the floor.
He lifted me back up to the chair.
My face flushed with embarrassment at the fact that I had the waiter and half the restaurant staring at me. “I think I just stood up too quickly.”
“I think you haven’t been taking very good care of yourself,” he chided, typing something into his phone.
I sighed. “I’ll be fine, Will. I just need to get home.”
He glared at me, and I had to sit back in astonishment. I’d never seen Will mad before. “Don’t test me, Haylee. Sit there and sip your soda a few minutes.”
I felt like a petulant child but didn’t trust myself to be able to get up without falling flat on my face.
He was totally engrossed in his phone, and I wasn’t sure how long he intended to keep me here. My question was answered when I saw Josh step through the door fifteen minutes later. My eyes met Will’s. I was a mixture of confused and hurt.
“Come on, we’re heading to the hospital.”
***
Josh didn’t say a word, but the hard line to his mouth and the intense look in his eyes spoke volumes.
I knew better than to protest the fact that both men were insisting on seeing me to the hospital. I was in the middle of the sedan’s back seat with Will on one side and Josh on the other.
I wondered what kind of pull Josh had when I was shown to a private room upon arrival at the hospital. A nice nurse drew blood and took my vitals, then a doctor came in shortly after.
“Now then, Ms. Holloway, I’m Doctor Butler. I’m told you have lost some weight and had a dizzy spell today?”
I nodded and looked towards Josh, who was standing by the window, and Will, who was seated in a chair.
“Have you felt a loss of appetite lately?”
“Yes, I’ve been nauseous.”
“For how long?”
“About six weeks,” I revealed reluctantly.
“What do you think you weighed back then?”
“I, uh—”
“She was one hundred-thirty pounds, doctor,” Will offered. Why did he have to remember that from the Cosmo shoot?
“You’re one hundred-eighteen pounds now,” Dr. Butler provided.
I heard Josh curse.
“We ran some tests and should have some preliminary results in shortly. In the meantime, you’re dehydrated. The nurse is going to start an IV and that should get you feeling better.”
I winced at Josh’s angry look and kept my eyes down. The nurse came back, started the IV and then left us in quiet.
My heart broke at the sight of Josh. I tried out several conversation starters in my head but in the end chose to remain silent. At least Will scooted over and gave me a kind smile.
The doctor came back in fifteen minutes later with a sympathetic look. “Haylee, I have some things to discuss with you of a personal nature.” His eyes flicked towards Josh and then Will as if to give me the choice of letting them stay or go.
“I’m staying,” Josh declared, looking at me.
Will took my hand and leaned down to whisper, “Don’t be mad that I contacted him. He loves you.” He stood up and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll leave you two. You call me later tonight, yeah?”
I nodded and gave him a small smile. Once he left, I turned my attention back to the doctor.
Dr. Butler glanced towards Josh. “You sure you want to discuss this with him here?” Evidently Dr. Butler was not sold on Josh’s insistence without my approval.
I met Josh’s eyes and knew that no matter what they were going to tell me, I needed him to hear it, too. “Yes, doctor. Do I have cancer?”
He looked immediately confused. “No, you’re pregnant, Haylee,” he replied, knocking the breath out of me.
“That’s impossible,” I whispered, looking at Josh.
His face was pale and his eyes angry. “Obviously you chose the wrong man to stay. I’ll let you call Will back in to give him the good news,” Josh said, looking at me with disdain and then leaving abruptly.
I blushed, and could only stammer. “He, um, had a vasectomy years ago.”
“Any other partners?” Dr. Butler asked kindly.
Clearly, Josh thought so. “No, none.”
“Well, then I would conclude the vasectomy wasn’t successful. Did he get tested afterwards?”
“I don’t know. I mean, it was years ago, before we met.”
“From the HCG count, I would put you about six or seven weeks, but you should make an appointment with an OBGYN. Do you need a recommendation?”
I couldn’t think, I could hardly breathe. How in the hell could I be pregnant? I’d been barely hanging by a thread the last six weeks, and yet I had a tiny life growing inside of me. “I, um, live in New Haven. I can find someone up there, I guess.” I thought back over the last few weeks. “Doctor, I took some sleeping pills. They’re prescribed, but I didn’t know…”
He nodded. “How many? Did you take them nightly?”
I shook my head and answered, “Um, four or five over the last few weeks.” I’d only taken them the last few Saturday nights after crying jags left me sleepless.
“I think that’s fine. If you were taking them nightly, I’d have been more concerned. You need to make an appointment soon, and they can get you on some prenatal vitamins. Now that you do know you’re having a baby, you need to start taking better care of yourself, Haylee. No more sleeping pills, and you need to gain back the weight you’ve lost. It’s typical for women to lose some weight in their first trimester if they are throwing up, but I think in your case you’re not eating enough. Do you, ah, want me to call anyone?”
I shook my head. “No, thank you, Dr. Butler. When can I go home?”
“Give it another thirty minutes to get some fluids in you, and you’ll be on your way.”
“All right, thanks.”
***
It was tempting to just catch the train and go home right away, but instead I found myself in Josh’s building. After waving at Rafael, I made my way upstairs, bracing myself for a scene that wasn’t going to go well.
After knocking, I waited patiently for Josh to answer. Just when I thought he’d keep
ignoring me, the door opened.
He was still in his suit, but with his tie loosened and jacket tossed on the floor behind him. He already had a glass of amber liquor in his hand. “What do you want?” he asked gruffly.
I about lost my nerve. I loved this man more than anything, but right now the last thing I saw in his eyes was love for me. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“I’m pretty sure everything I needed to hear was in the hospital room today.”
“Josh, can I please come in? I don’t want to have this conversation in the hallway.”
“By all means, come on in. At least this condo doesn’t have stairs, so that when you leave in tears after admitting it’s not mine, I don’t have to feel guilty if you fall down.”
The pain of him comparing me to his ex-wife shot right through me.
“So I’m assuming it’s Will’s, but I guess the fact that he’s not with you right now must mean that you either met someone else up in New Haven, or you just wanted to see if you could trade up first.”
“I haven’t slept with Will or anyone else, Josh. I’ve been miserable without you the last six weeks.”
“I had a vasectomy, Haylee.” He shoved his hand through his hair and took a swig of his liquor.
“Did you ever get tested? I mean, given the other side effects, maybe that part was botched too.”
“You know, I didn’t give my ex enough credit. At least when she was confronted, she came clean about cheating. But you’re actually going to go with the whole botched vasectomy angle, huh?”
My temper flared. “I’m not going to stand here and have you treat me like shit because of what your ex-wife did to you. I do not deserve to pay for her transgressions.”
“I trusted you,” he tossed out, his voice thick with emotion.
“Did you?” I countered.
“My ex tried to trap—”
“Don’t.” I cut him off. “Please don’t make me hate you by saying what you’re going to say. I’m not her, and you need to get over yourself and what happened because, you know what? It has nothing to do with this moment. And why on earth would I trap you? I’m in law school. Do you think this is convenient for me? I trusted you, and you got me pregnant after assuring me you couldn’t.”
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