“Well, that’s a new spin, isn’t it? Now you’re the victim, right?”
“Why can’t you believe I’m telling the truth, Josh?”
“Even if I were to buy into the whole botched vasectomy, we had sex for a year, Haylee. A full year without getting pregnant. Then we break up, even though it shreds me to do so, and now you’re pregnant. You were in New York with Will today without a word to me. I haven’t heard from you in six weeks, and you’re going to tell me you’ve been miserable now?”
“I thought maybe you’d moved on,” I said lamely. How was I supposed to tell him that I’d waited for him to contact me since I’d been the one who had pushed him away?
“How far along are you?”
I knew instantly he was going to start to do the math. “I won’t know for sure until my OB appointment, but Dr. Butler estimated about six to seven weeks.”
“Convenient,” he said bitterly.
I had an epiphany. “All this time I’ve been beating myself up for not being able to get past my hang-up to be with you. But we’re not so different. We both still have trust issues. I don’t trust that someone I love won’t let me down and abandon me. And you never really trusted that I wouldn’t do exactly what your ex did. The only difference is I was finally honest about my shortcomings. You were just going to go forward hoping that nothing ever triggered yours again.”
“I can have my car take you to Will’s place. It’s downstairs. It would be best if you left now, Haylee.”
I swallowed hard. “Thanks for proving my fear was not unfounded, Josh.” I turned and walked away. There was nothing left to say.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
I didn’t remember much about the train ride home. I numbly went through the motions, grateful when the cab dropped me off so I could go through my front door and finally curl up on my couch. The sobs started and led to getting sick in the bathroom. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I had to get myself together for the sake of the baby. But for right now all I could manage was to sit on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet and lay my head on the cool side of the tub, closing my eyes.
I heard someone’s voice calling my name. When I finally looked up, I saw Mark framing the bathroom door.
After taking one look at me, he cursed and knelt at my side. “Jesus, Haylee, do we need to go to the ER?” he asked, pushing my hair out of my face and studying me.
I shook my head. “No, no. It’s mostly hormones and the other part stress. I’m fine. Please don’t take offense, Mark, but I just need to be by myself right now.”
“Like hell I’m leaving you.”
The sobs started again, and I felt his arms go around me. I leaned into him and, finally, after a few minutes, calmed enough for him to talk.
“Come on out to the sofa. I brought you some soup and crackers.”
He settled me out in the living room before heading into the kitchen to make a phone call. I took a few tentative sips of soup. My stomach growled, and I sighed, knowing I needed to force it down. If not for myself, then for the baby.
I looked over towards the kitchen and could hear Mark’s quiet voice, but wasn’t able to make out the words. I wondered if he was talking to Josh.
He walked back and handed me a ginger ale, then took a seat next to me. “I have someone coming over I’d like you to talk to.”
“Who?” I questioned, curious.
“His name is Dr. Mark MacNally, or Dr. Mac, as he prefers. He isn’t too bad as far as shrinks go, and he deals specifically with grief counseling.”
I shook my head. “I don’t need anyone for that, Mark. My mom has been dead for over a year now, my father five.”
“I will tell you from experience that it isn’t always that simple. We need people, Haylee. As much as we want to deal with things ourselves, we can’t always. My fiancée died seven years ago, and I still have trouble sometimes. There is no such thing as an expiration date on grief.”
I was shocked at his admission, and the surprise must have shown on my face. I wasn’t aware he’d ever had a fiancée, let alone that she had died.
“I’m guessing Josh didn’t tell you. He’s good that way,” he said, sighing.
Shaking my head, I murmured, “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, Mark.”
“I don’t share it with a lot of people. The point is that when I saw you on that bathroom floor, I could see myself once upon a time. Normally I wouldn’t push this, but considering what is going on right now, I think you need to talk to someone sooner rather than later. You have the baby to think about.”
“You spoke with Josh, I take it?”
“I did. He was worried about you.”
I couldn’t help but scoff. “He told me to go see Will, who he thinks is the father of the baby. I don’t think worried is a word I’d use.”
“He reacted badly, I know. I got that impression just from what he told me. But Will called him to check on you. I believe he had a few choice words for Josh.”
“Great. It’s like a Jerry Springer episode in the making,” I muttered.
He gave me a sympathetic smile. “When Dr. Mac gets here, I’m going to head home to get some stuff, then I’ll be back. I’m going to sleep on the sofa tonight, all right?”
I shook my head. “Look, Mark, I get that Josh wants you to look after me, but—”
He interrupted. “Josh asked me to check on you. This I’m doing for you, one friend to another. Dr. Mac coming over isn’t anything I’m letting Josh know about either. This is about getting you to feel better. Okay?”
Feeling the tears, I hugged him and whispered, “I don’t want to need help.”
“No one ever does, but grief never really goes away, Haylee. You just get better at coping.”
***
Dr. Mac made me feel instantly at ease, quelling my nerves. He appeared to be in his mid-forties, and it was apparent he had a friendship with Mark. We spent a lot of time, not surprisingly, focused on gathering information about the death of my parents and my previous episode of depression. He asked me a lot of questions about my relationships with others.
“Why do you think it is that you try to be such a good friend to everyone but want nothing in return?” Dr. Mac questioned.
“Because I’m scared,” I replied in a whisper.
He looked enormously pleased with my answer. “Now tell me why.”
Biting my lip, I sighed. “Because if I rely on anyone to be there for me, then I risk falling apart when they aren’t. It’s safer to be there for others, instead. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t need anyone because I don’t want to be hurt again.”
“I notice you said again. Haylee, it’s natural for you to feel resentment regarding the death of your parents. Everyone has anger after they lose someone close to them.”
“My parents wouldn’t have wanted me to feel angry.”
He looked at me thoughtfully. “But what do you feel? I think this is an important question, Haylee, and one you need to ask yourself more often. At some point real soon, you’re going to have decisions facing you that weren’t planned out with your parents. Decisions as a mother.”
I nodded. “I know you’re right.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking with regards to Josh at this point.”
“I feel like he just verified what I’d always feared.”
“I won’t defend him since I don’t know Josh. But I will say that if he still has residual trust issues of his own, most likely they took a priority in a moment of crisis. Just like you panic, perhaps he did. He did call Mark to check on your well-being. I’d like to think that’s a sign of not completely abandoning you.”
“I guess…” I was unconvinced.
He continued. “You have a lot of insight already into your feelings. I feel like we accomplished more in one session than some patients do in five. You should be proud of yourself for getting there on your own. We can’t always contain grief or our emotions in a box or time limit, Haylee.
That may have worked for you as a coping mechanism in the past, but you need to start giving yourself a break. This isn’t easy stuff you’re dealing with.”
“I don’t want to burden anyone with it,” I responded.
He gave me a kind smile. “Do you see it as a burden when your friends want to talk to you about something they’re going through? Or do you see it as an opportunity to be a good friend?”
If I had a light above my head, it would have been lighting the room. “I’d see it as being a good friend,” I admitted.
“I think you’ve taken a step in the right direction with allowing Mark to be that for you today.”
“I suppose I did.” And Will had been such an amazing friend to me too today. I needed to call him after my session and let him know I was doing okay.
“Let’s set up an appointment for tomorrow. I can do after your classes. I also do couples counseling if you’d like to suggest it to Josh.”
“I don’t see that happening, but I’d like to see you tomorrow.”
In only one session, it appeared he understood me, and I was grateful. I wasn’t sure about my future with Josh, but that would need to take a back seat for now.
***
Mark returned shortly after Dr. Mac left, with groceries and his overnight bag in hand. “I got you a couple kinds of soup, some crackers, and some Gatorade,” he said, unpacking in the kitchen.
I gave him a watery smile. “Thank you, Mark.”
He was true to his word and took the couch that night.
I was exhausted enough from the day, but still had trouble sleeping. I was worried that I’d already done damage to this innocent baby before it even had a chance. I stared at the clock until I heard voices. They sounded like they were coming from the living room, and they didn’t sound happy.
I stood, trying to listen, and realized one voice belonged to Josh.
“Why the fuck are you here?” Josh questioned.
I opened the bedroom door before Mark could answer and just stood there looking at Josh.
His eyes moved over me, and I immediately saw the grim set of his mouth. Why the hell was he here if he was going to look at me with hostility?
“Before you go and accuse me of sleeping with Mark, I’d like to point out he was on the couch. Unless, of course, you think that’s how I do things now. Shag and relegate to the sofa after.” I couldn’t help the sarcasm.
“I wasn’t implying anything. Fuck, it just took me off guard when I came in,” Josh said, sighing.
“I’ll, um, head home,” Mark offered.
I held up a hand. “Not so fast, Mark. It’s the middle of the night, and I’m not certain Josh is staying at this point.” Then I had a thought dawn on me. “Wait, how did you get in here? I locked the door. Matter of fact, now that I think about it, how did you get in yesterday, Mark?”
Both men looked at me, apparently without knowing what to say. It dawned on me that they’d only both have keys for one reason: Josh owned the building. “Unbelievable,” I muttered, watching Mark blush.
I turned around, shut my bedroom door, and collapsed back on my bed. I didn’t need this shit right now.
The voices continued for a little while, and then I heard my bedroom door open. I listened to the rustle of clothing on the other side of the bed and then felt the weight of Josh climbing into the bed. “If this is Mark, I was only kidding about the shag and couch routine.”
“Not funny,” Josh muttered, putting his arms around me from the back. “Are you mad about the building?”
“Considering I left your condo with you thinking I’d become the campus slut and am trying to pin a pregnancy on you, I think I’ve got other things topping that list right now. Why are you here?” I inquired.
He sighed. “Because I’m not going to let my trust issue prove a point with yours. I’m not going to abandon you, Haylee. I love you too much to let you go again.”
I flipped over so that I could face him. “So you got tested?”
He shook his head. “You know my history. Unfortunately, not much has changed in that department. I was unsuccessful in providing a sample.”
“I suppose that is part of my devious plan, too,” I remarked dryly.
“I deserved that.”
I didn’t know how to respond, so I just stayed quiet.
“You looked so thin when I saw you in the doorway. Why didn’t you tell me you were so upset these last few weeks?”
“I just figured I’d blown it, Josh. If you were willing to let me go, then I reasoned you were ready to move on.”
“You thought that I let you go because I didn’t love you, but in fact I let you go because of how much I love you. I believed it was what you needed. I hoped every day to hear from you and thought maybe you’d moved on.”
“I fucked that up, too, then.” Tears stung my eyes.
He kissed me softly. “No, I did, for not understanding that I shouldn’t have waited six weeks. I should have kept showing you that I wasn’t going anywhere and known you’d feel like I was deserting you.”
I shook my head. “If I didn’t know that, how could you?”
“Because like you said, we’re not so much different, Haylee. We both have trust issues. Different circumstances but same result in that we expect others to let us down. You didn’t trust that someone wouldn’t leave you again. And I should have known you’d view our separation as just that.”
“You were so adamant when I left that this baby wasn’t yours. What changed?”
“I thought about how you looked in the restaurant after Will texted me. You looked like how I’ve felt over the last few weeks. More importantly, you’ve never given me a reason to doubt your honesty. I was lumping you into an old scene with my ex instead of looking at you as you.”
Relief washed over me. “So how do we get the test done now? I could probably help you with the sample if you’d like?”
“You must really want me to get tested to offer that.”
“I don’t begrudge you getting confirmation, Josh. You had a vasectomy, and with what has happened in your past…”
“Are you going to keep it?” His voice was a whisper.
I worked to stifle my temper. I well-remembered him telling me he didn’t want children. “Yes, I am, and if you are going to try to convince me otherwise, you might as well leave.”
“No, I just wondered with law school—” He took a deep breath. “I just needed to know. I don’t get a lot of rights here, and all of the decisions are yours.”
“So you would want this baby?” I whispered.
“Yes. I mean, if I get a vote, then, yes, I’d want you to keep it.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d barely had a chance to come to the realization that I was having a baby, and yet I was already fiercely protective. At the same time, the way he’d phrased things about getting a vote and not having a lot of rights made me think there was something he wasn’t telling me. “Your words make it sound like you have been through this kind of discussion before.”
He sighed heavily. “My ex got pregnant in the third year of our marriage. She didn’t tell me. I thought she’d gone away with her sister for a spa weekend but found the discharge instructions from the abortion a month later. I had the vasectomy shortly afterward and never told her.”
“How did she not notice the side effects?” I was shocked.
“Our sex life was basically nonexistent after I found out what she’d done. The handful of times we did, I just took the pill. She never noticed that I didn’t finish. A month after I filed for divorce, she came to me and told me she was pregnant.”
“And you told her about the vasectomy, I take it.”
“Yeah, I threw it in her face. She told me that it was my fault for making her cheat because I’d emotionally cut her off. She was crying and went down the stairs. The rest you know.”
“Do you really believe she was pregnant?” I had to ask.
“I didn’t at first, but the medical
records became part of the divorce proceedings. She miscarried and blamed me. Anyhow, I don’t want to talk about that anymore. What happened is old news, like you said, and now you know all of it.”
“I imagine it wasn’t easy to tell me that, but it helps me understand your reaction a little bit better.”
“It doesn’t excuse it, though. I’m so sorry Haylee.”
“I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner.”
“I’d like to set up an OB appointment for you tomorrow after class if you’d let me. I’m worried about you and the baby.”
Yeah, I was too. “Okay. I have appointments with Dr. Mac this week at two o’clock but should be done by three.”
“Dr. Mac, as in Mark’s doctor?”
“Mark called him, and we spoke yesterday. Turns out you can’t just flip a switch on depression.” I smiled, recalling Josh’s exact words last year in San Francisco when I’d first told him about my plan to turn it off. “I’m working on my fears when it comes to long-term relationships. And I need to ensure I’m doing things the way I need to, instead of what I perceive my parents would have wanted. I need to get my shit straight before I have someone else relying on me.”
“It takes a lot of strength to talk to someone.”
“There is nothing strong about me right now, Josh, but I’ll get there eventually.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. It takes more courage to ask for help than to pretend like you don’t need it. Trust me, I know.” He stroked my face and took a shaky breath. “What do you think about me going with you for counseling? I mean, not tomorrow, but eventually. Work on things together.”
I was stunned. “You’d agree to do couples counseling?”
“You’re not the only one this baby is going to be relying on. It’s time I get my shit together, too.”
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
We took the train Wednesday afternoon back into New York City to get the test done. Even though I was confident about the result, I was still anxious to get this done and over.
During the week I’d had two more sessions with Dr. Mac and also my OB appointment. The tests at the obstetrician’s office revealed that I was six weeks along. We left with a sonogram picture and a pregnancy book. Josh had stayed the week and had become quite the food police, ensuring I was constantly eating or drinking something.
Tell Me Something (The Something Series Book 1) Page 33