by Jet MacLeod
“I know that.”
“I have to keep you moving. I have Cole doing research for us. I can’t let anything happen to you,” Del told her.
“I know that, Del.”
“What do you want from me?”
“Pull over.”
“What?!?” Del asked her.
“Pull over. We need to talk. We need to rest.”
“There is nothing here.”
“Find us somewhere to stay, then. We need to talk. This can’t wait.”
“Angie, we don’t have time for this,” Del pushed.
“Damn it, Del, make the time.”
“I can’t. We can’t. You’ll just have to talk with me while I drive.”
Angie turned and stared at her. Her anger was rising and she knew that Del could feel it. Their emotions were still palpable. They needed to talk and they needed to do it soon. Angie wanted to talk and she was willing to do it in the Suburban.
“If you don’t pull over, we are going to talk here.”
“I figured as much,” Del stated.
“Pull over, Del.”
“Why?”
“I’ve already told you.”
“I can’t.”
“Pull the damn car over, or I’ll jump out,” Angie threatened.
“I highly doubt it,” Del replied.
“Why is that?”
“Because we are going over sixty miles an hour. You would break your body when you hit the roadway. I doubt that you are willing to actually injure yourself just to get me to pull over.”
“Then, just pull over and I wouldn’t have to do it,” Angie stated.
Del just shook her head. She didn’t want to pull over. They weren’t near enough away from Cheyenne yet. She wanted to be in Utah first. It hadn’t been long enough.
“Del?”
“Can it not wait until we cross state lines?”
“Do you even know where we are?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Then, where are we?”
“We are still in Wyoming.”
“But, where, Del? Can you even tell me that? You’ve been driving for hours. Can you even tell me where we are?” Angie asked her, pushing the subject.
Angie has noticed that the mile markers were getting smaller. She could guess that they were only about an hour or so away from the boarder of Utah. She needed to know if Del knew that, too.
“Look, there is an exit ahead. We’ll pull over. I am sure that you are hungry. We can stop there. We can talk, then. Okay?” Del asked, giving in.
“Fine,” Angie said, leaning back in her seat and realizing that she had won the argument.
Del pulled off on Exit 41. It was a small town of Lyman. Del had chosen to pull off there because it was remote. There wasn’t much there and she saw the KOA sign on the list of places to stay. She stole a glance at Angie as she pulled off the Interstate and onto Wyoming highway 413. She knew that they weren’t far from town, but she drove on towards it. She passed the Lyman Rest Stop right off the exit.
She was waiting for Angie to question her. When she didn’t, she continued the mile and a half to the KOA camp ground. When she pulled in, Angie just watched her. She parked at the lodge and got out. She didn’t wait for Angie. She went in.
Angie sat in the Suburban and waited. She was happy that Del had pulled over. She wasn’t going to chance anything by getting out. She wanted to know what Del was doing but she figured that Del would tell her when she got back. She didn’t have to wait long.
Del got in the Suburban with little fanfare. She had a cord of wood which she had thrown in the back. She drove them to what seemed like the back of the campground and parked.
“I’ve pulled off. You wanted to stop. We’ve stopped.”
“Are we staying here?”
“I’ve paid for the night. Yes, we can stay here. Or, I can go back on the highway and I can find us somewhere a little more civilized. The choice is yours,” Del told her.
“You want to camp?”
“You wanted to talk. I found us a place to talk. We can stay and talk or we can continue.”
“Those are the only choices that you are giving me?”
“Yes.”
“Fine, we can stay here.”
Del nodded in ascent and got out of the vehicle. She walked over to the fire ring and dropped the cord of wood beside it. She went back to the Suburban and started unzipping the back seat. She pulled out a tent and some other camp gear.
Angie just got out and waited. She watched as Del set up the tent. She put the camp stove near the fire ring. She watched as Del went into compartments that she knew weren’t factory. She was amazed at how much extra gear Del had buried in the vehicle.
Once there camp chairs out, Angie sat in one and waited for Del to stop and sit down. It took a few minutes but she finally sat down next to Angie in the other chair. Del sat down, but she didn’t stay still. It was barely four o’clock and she stared a fire. Once she was happy with it, she sat back in the camp chair.
“You wanted to talk,” Del started staring at the budding fire.
“I do.”
“About?”
“You don’t think that we need to discuss what happened?”
“I am not sure that we should.”
“Why? Because you would have to admit that you feel something. Would that be so damn wrong? What is it about having a damn emotion that scares the ever-living-shit out of you?”
“Because it can get me killed, Angie. I can’t be affected when my emotions are what are ruling my thinking. I have too much to lose and not enough to deal with it. Things get complicated when emotions cloud our judgment. I don’t have that luxury,” Del told her.
“Things got complicated for you in the Ukraine. I get that Del. I really do, but this isn’t the Ukraine. This is America. It is true that we can be cold and heartless, but that isn’t what we strive here and you know that. You want to retire and live in the hills somewhere. You want your peace, but you realize that must mean that you aren’t at peace now. If you aren’t at peace now, it is because your emotions are at war with something. It has been building inside you for years and now you have the guts to face it. So face me now and tell me that you don’t have emotions ruling how you act. I know that you can’t. And, that’s okay, Del. It is totally fine.”
“It isn’t my emotions that are making want to retire.”
“Okay, then, what is?” Angie asked point blank.
“I am tired.”
“Tired of what?”
“I’m tired of the missions. I am tired of the bullshit. I am just plain tired. I have been in this business since I was eighteen years old. I want a break. I need a break. Every time that I thought I had one, I got another call. Hell, this wasn’t even supposed to be my last mission. I wasn’t even supposed to be here, but I am. They knew that I wouldn’t say no as soon as I got the case file. They knew it. They knew that I would protect you. I am clean up. That is what I became. I am the one they call when everyone else screwed up. I am the person that makes sure the target has been secured. You are a target, Angie. Evidently a really big one, and for the life of me I don’t know who wants you worse, the government who wants to keep you alive or the cartels that want you dead. But, yet, here I am. Except this time, I am protecting the target.”
“Is that all I am to you? I am a target. I am something that is just part of the mission?”
“Yes.”
“Bullshit.”
“Angie, I can’t think of it anyway else. I don’t have that option. If I become too invested, I die.”
“That is bullshit.”
“Angie, I can’t.”
“You can give me that party line all you want, Del. I know the truth. I’ve felt it. I’ve felt you. I know that you felt something. I felt it, too. You weren’t alone in that hotel room.”
“I know that.”
“Then look me in the eye and convince me that you didn’t feel anything.”
“Angie…I can’t do that. I felt plenty. You know that. I got lost in a moment that should have never happened. I can promise you that it wasn’t professional. I can’t…”
“Don’t you dare say that, Delia. Don’t you dare. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I kissed you,” she offered.
“And, I enjoyed it. So who does that put at fault? You? Me? Both of us? I don’t care. There is no fault here. I wish you would see that. There is no blame.”
“There is plenty of blame and it all falls on me.”
“Why? Why is there blame on you? Because you kissed me? That’s horseshit, Delia and you know it. Give me a good reason why I should be worried about blame. Can you?”
Del just looked at her. The passion in her eyes resounded across the small space between them. Del could get lost in her eyes and she knew it. She was. She was lost and it seemed like Angie was her only beacon. She didn’t know how to tell her that. She couldn’t tell her that. It would give Angie too much power and it would be a power that she wouldn’t be willing to lose, again.
Chapter 26
They hadn’t spoken the rest of the evening. Del didn’t know what else to say. She wanted to just give in and enjoy herself with Angie, but she knew it was wrong. It wasn’t professional. It had nothing to do with the mission and that is where she wanted to leave it. She knew that Angie wasn’t going to let it happen, so she prepared herself for Angie’s fight and her anger about the issue. Del couldn’t budge. She knew that it would hurt too much in the end if she did.
Angie had gone to bed after dinner. She has been amazed at Del’s culinary skills over a fire, but she was tired and she didn’t want to fight anymore. She was still staring at the tent’s ceiling as she lay in the sleeping bag on her back. It was nearing midnight, she guessed, and Del was fast asleep beside her.
It was nearing late September. The night air was cool and Angie could feel it. She looked over at Del and wondered if the other woman ever really got cold. She couldn’t remember ever seeing her shiver. She could feel the cold seeping into the tent. She burrowed further into the bag and hoped that her body would warm up soon.
A few minutes later, Del could hear the tale-tell signs of teeth chattering. She rolled over in her sleeping bag to see Angie facing the side of the tent. She knew that she had to be cold. She immediately unzipped her sleeping bag and then moved to Angie’s.
“What are you doing?” Angie asked her in shock.
“I am going to get you warm,” she replied as she pulled her own sleeping has open.
She grabbed Angie forcefully, a little more than she meant to, and pulled her into her waiting sleeping bag. She then draped Angie’s opened bag over them. She got out and zipped them together. She knew that it might get cold but she hadn’t been prepared that they would have to share a sleeping bag. She slowly and methodically got back in the joined sleeping bags.
Angie had maneuvered as far away as she possibly could from Del. She shook her head and pulled Angie’s cold body back into hers and held her. She could feel Angie’s body slowly stop shaking and beginning to meld to her own warmth.
“Now is not the time to be angry and upset about earlier,” Del said chastising her.
“I am not angry.”
“Then why are you trying to pull away from me when I am trying to get you warm?”
“Because I know how you feel. I wouldn’t want to upset your delicate sense of professionalism. I know that you don’t want to touch me, Del. It’s fine. I’ll be fine over here,” Angie told her with as much venom as her cool body could muster.
“Would you stop?”
“Stop what? Telling you the truth? I am not the one afraid of having an fucking emotion.”
“I am not afraid of feeling, Angie. It is more complicated than that. I am sorry if I hurt you, but we both know that it is for the best. We shouldn’t be together in more than an professional manner. This isn’t about wants and desires. It is about survival,” Del explained.
“Well, I guess we will survive then,” Angie replied.
“I am sorry. I don’t know what else you want me to say. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You keep saying that and I know that you believe it, but that doesn’t make the pain any less.”
“I know that.”
“Then, just shut up and go to sleep.”
Del sighed. She realized that they weren’t going to get anywhere tonight. They would have tomorrow and the days after that. They would have all the time between now and Angie’s court date to try and make amends. Del knew that she would try. Something inside her broke in that hotel room in Cheyenne. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew that it happened.
She rested an arm tentatively around Angie’s midsection and pulled her back flush against her front. Angie pulled away for a second until she felt the Del’s reflexive tightening. She finally sighed, gave up, and tried to go back to sleep. Del waited until she heard the deep breaths coming from her before she let her arm relax again. When she did this time, Angie didn’t pull away. She actually rested her own arm on top of Del’s.
Del’s skin burned at the contact. Her eyes flew open and she stared into dark auburn hair. Her blood was pounded in her cars and her breathing started to become erratic. She tried to calm herself, but failed. She could swear that Angie could feel her speeding heart.
“Angie?” she whispered.
Angie didn’t answer, but she did open her eyes. It was then that she realized that she was holding Del while Del held her. The warmth was seeping into her hack and she could feel a similar stirring start building up in her body. Her ears felt like they were on fire.
“Angie?” she questioned again softly.
Angie still didn’t move. She didn’t know what to say. And. she was afraid if she turned around to sec Del’s beautiful chestnut eyes that she wouldn’t stop herself from kissing her again.
“I’m sorry.” Del stated into her hair.
It was then that Angie could have sworn that she felt the tentative und light kisses upon her hair.
She sighed, not realizing that she was releasing a pent-up breath. She melted a little more into Del’s welcoming warmth. Her fingers tightened around Del’s arm and Del’s arm tightened around her. They did more communicating with their gestures then they could with words.
“Angie?” Del tried one more time.
This time Angie couldn’t take it. She needed to see the emotions swimming in Del’s eyes. As she rolled over lo look into her eyes, Del’s breath caught in her throat. She was prepared for Angie’s gentleness. She wasn’t ready to feel. She wasn’t ready to be cared for by someone.
“Angie?” Del asked her.
She received a soft snore in response. Angie had finally gotten warm enough that she fell back asleep. Del was relieved. She wasn’t sure that she was ready to talk to her about everything yet.
Angie’s fingers began slowly rubbing on Del’s arm. Instinctively, Del pulled her tighter as her arm raised slowly against her body to rest just below her bosom. She just knew that Angie would awaken and find them in a compromising position. She wanted to turn over and face away from the intoxicating Angie, but she couldn’t. Angie gripped her tighter, holding her in place, like she knew what Del was thinking.
Del sighed. Angie resumed rubbing her arm. Del didn’t know what pushed her, but she found herself nuzzling her neck. She heard Angie moan quietly at the gesture.
She tried to pull away, but Angie just held her firmly there. It was like Angie didn’t want her to let go. She wondered if she made Angie feel safe. Could that be why Angie held her so tightly? Del didn’t know. She wasn’t sure that she really wanted to know.
She turned her head, slightly, and stared at the ceiling of the tent. Having a relationship with Angie would complicate things more than they already were, and Del wasn’t sure that she could actually handle that type of complication. She knew that Angie probably could, but she was more worried about what would happen once the
y got back to New York. Angie had a life. Del didn’t.
“Quit thinking so hard. You’re going to burn down the tent. Just go to sleep, Del,” Angie told her.
She spun her head back around to face the back of Angie’s head. She took a deep breath and took in the scents of Angie. It relaxed her more than it should and she couldn’t help but like it.
“Del, either go to sleep or do something. I can’t take you fidgeting the way you are. I know that you think you aren’t moving, but you start twitching as soon as you start thinking. So, please, just go to sleep. Whatever it is that is bothering right now will keep until morning. I promise.”
Del finally decided to settle down. She knew that they would be driving again in the morning. She knew she needed the sleep, but there was something about being beside Angie, that close, that wouldn’t allow her to completely relax. Her body was buzzing and she couldn’t make it stop. Her mind was racing. Her heart was pulsing and her emotions were all over the map.
“Damn it, Del, go to sleep,” Angie stated a little more firmly than before.
She resumed her rubbing in hopes that it would make Del’s mind quieten down. It had the opposite effect. Del’s libido was raring up and she didn’t know if she could hold back. She had never been one to cuddle, so such an intimate gesture between them, caused goose bumps to form on Del’s arm. She knew that Angie had to feel them. She knew that Angie would know what they meant and she still couldn’t stop it. No matter how badly she tried to dampen her want, her desire for Angie, she couldn’t while she was still in her arms.
“Del?”
“Yes?”
“What’s wrong? Why can’t you sleep? Is it about before?” Angie asked her, trying to figure out why the stoic woman behind her couldn’t relax.
“No, it isn’t,” Del answered trying hide the huskiness of her voice, but Angie heard it.
Angie wasn’t sure what to make of it. Del was usually pretty good about telling her what was wrong and expressing whatever was bothering her. She assumed that it had to do with herself because generally that was the only time that Del was quiet. She didn’t like to talk about what was going on between them, whatever it was. She didn’t like dealing with her emotions.