Captain of My Heart

by Giselle Lumas

  “I’m your father, Kyra. You will not talk to me that way!” Dex shouted.

  “You left without saying goodbye. You’re not my father. A father doesn’t just bail like that. Just leave!” Kyra yelled.

  “I—”

  “You hurt Mom. You know that, right? You were the only one she ever loved, and you just left her with a note? How could you do that?” There was silence for a moment, then Kyra added, “I was the one who was left to pick up the pieces, Dad. I’m just a kid! Max depended on me because Mom was a mess. How could you just leave like that? Now you come back and expect me to leap in your arms or something? Sorry, Dad, but no!”

  Ray and I hurried to the front door. I saw Dex like I’ve never seen him before. He was absolutely crushed. Kyra turned away, rushed off to her room, and slammed the door. Dex looked at me with pleading eyes. “She’s right,” I whispered. “You were all I knew as love back then, Dex. You left without warning and didn’t look back. I was a mess.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m trying to make up for that.”

  “I’m not the one you need to worry about.”

  He nodded. “I’m just… I’m a man.”

  I interrupted him before he could say anything further. “Really? You’re a man? Are you sure?” All the anger and hurt that had built up since the day he left raised to the surface and spilled out of my mouth.

  He blinked but didn’t say anything, so I continued, “I mean, obviously, physically, you have the appearance of a man. But if you say, ‘I’m a man,’ are you saying it because you feel the need to validate yourself, or what? A man doesn’t just leave his wife and kids. A man fights for what he wants or at least tells his wife face to face that he’s in love with another woman. And guess what: he still sticks around to be with his kids.”

  Dex didn’t say anything. He just looked at me with sad eyes.

  “Dad,” Max whispered behind me.

  Clearing his throat, Ray tapped me on the shoulder. “Can I speak to you outside for a minute?”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was trying to calm my racing heart.

  “Hey, Max,” Dex said.

  “Why don’t you come inside, Dex? Spend time with Max. I’ll be right back,” I invited. Dex entered my home, and I walked outside with Ray. We approached his truck, which was parked in my driveway.

  Ray put his clipboard, measuring tape, and pen on the passenger seat of his truck. He walked back over to the driver’s side and reached out his hand for mine. His eyes were misty. “Cass.” His voice cracked. “I like you. I like you a lot, but…”

  He likes me? I felt shaky and uneasy. But there’s a but.

  “I will not be a barrier between another man and his children. I am going to back off a bit. Call me after you help Dex and Kyra get their relationship back on track. I know the pain a father goes through when a kid doesn’t want anything to do with him. It breaks a man down.”

  “But…”

  He shook his head and put a finger to my lips, then kissed my forehead. He got into his truck, put on his sunglasses, and backed out of my driveway.

  I felt jumbled up inside. A mixture of sadness, anger, and betrayal. Most of the emotions were from Dex, but the sadness was from Ray. I understood where he was coming from, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to leave. If anything, I wanted him to stay. I crossed my arms and stood there in the driveway for a few minutes. I didn’t have a clue what to do next. Fine. Go back into the house. Talk to Kyra. I nodded to myself. That was a good place to start.

  I tapped on Kyra’s door. When she answered, “Go away,” I took it as my queue to let myself in. I opened her door to find her sitting on her bed hugging her knees. Tears were streaming down her face.

  “Kyra, I know you're mad at your dad, and a part of you is mad at me. I wish that I’d had the strength and ability to be a great mom when he left. I should not have let you carry so much weight and responsibility. For that, I’m sorry.”

  She was still looking down at her sock-covered feet and hugging her knees. I stroked her back.

  “But it’s not okay for you to carry all the anger and hurt inside you. You have to let it go. Otherwise, it will eat you up and cause you to be a bitter and angry person. You need to forgive your dad.”

  “No,” she muttered. More tears trickled down her cheeks.

  “You don’t have to forgive him right now. You can take all the time you need. But understand, he’s only human. He fell in love with someone. He got swept up and couldn’t see what he was doing to the people who loved him. He’s your father, and he does love you. Why do you think he sends you e-mails day after day, even though you never write him back? Why do you think he calls every weekend, even though you never want to talk to him?”

  She sniffed. She was thinking about it.

  “I think you should at least spend time with him and talk to him while he is here. Otherwise you will end up regretting it later in life.”

  She sniffed again and sighed.

  She surprised me by reaching over and hugging me tightly. “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too, baby girl.” I kissed her cheek and said, “How about we go up front and see what your dad and brother are doing?”

  She took a deep breath. “Okay.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  To my surprise, Dex hung out with the kids all day. They even played basketball in the backyard. After the game, they entered the house huffing and puffing. They had smiles on their faces. “I’d like to take you all to dinner, Cass.”

  I blinked.

  “Oh, Mom, can we? Please?” Max asked.

  “Please,” Kyra begged.

  “Two against one. I guess that’s a yes,” I admitted.

  “Great,” Dex said. “How about a Mexican restaurant?”

  “Okay,” I agreed. “Go wash your hands, and we’ll get going,” I instructed the kids.

  We went to dinner, then got ice cream afterward. I was proud of myself. I was able to sit at the same table as Dex and did not feel the desire to choke him. I wasn’t angry anymore. I was okay. We were okay. Ray had a lot to do with it, though. I realized that what I felt for Dex was little and mild compared to how I felt about Ray. What Ray and I had was stronger and deeper. We didn’t keep anything from each other, and we fit. When I was with Dex, we were kids. Kids pretending to be adults.

  “Hey, Dad, can you come to my game tomorrow?” Max asked.

  “Sure,” he said.

  “Awesome!” Max exclaimed.

  On Sunday Dex arrived holding the hand of who I assumed was Mel. I squinted at her. I was not required to talk to her. I sat in my usual spot at the top of the bleachers with my back resting against the wall. Kyra sat to the right of me. She had her earbuds in, but she saw them walk when I did. “I can’t believe he brought her,” Kyra said.

  “It’s okay, Kyra,” I said through gritted teeth. “It’s his wife now.”

  Kyra laughed. “It… ha!” She giggled some more.

  I couldn’t help it. I examined Mel from the top of her blonde hair down to her skinny neck, big fake boobs, and flat ass. So, that’s his type now? I shook my head and rolled my eyes. Despite how much I wanted to scratch the homewrecker’s eyes out, I said, “Kyra, you can sit with your dad and Mel if you want. Don’t worry about me. Okay?”

  “Thanks, Mom, but I’d rather stay with you.”

  That’s my girl! I grinned.

  A few minutes later, my body became alert and my hormones kicked into overdrive as Ray strolled into the gym. It seemed all eyes naturally gravitated to him. He commanded attention. He looked up to me, nodded, and waved. I waved back. Then he sat next to Dex and leaned in close, as if he didn’t want anyone around them to hear their conversation. Dex nodded his head, then he said something to Ray. Dex glanced up at Kyra and me. Mel just sat there, looking straight ahead. It was as if she was deliberately looking straight ahead to avoid eye contact with me.

  Just before the game started, Dex rose to h
is feet. He shook Ray’s hand and glanced at Mel, then said something to her. She shook her head to say no. He climbed up the bleachers to sit on the other side of Kyra.

  “Hi,” he greeted us.

  “Hey, Dad,” Kyra said with a smile.

  Impressive. Come to Kyra; don’t wait for her to come to you. I smiled.

  Kyra and Dex talked while watching the game. It was good to hear Kyra laugh every once in a while as they talked. I, on the other hand, began to scowl and felt uneasy. I couldn’t focus on the game. I missed seeing Max make a couple of shots because I was too busy looking down at Ray with Mel. He had scooted right beside her. They were talking animatedly and had even laughed a few times. Damn it! I groaned.

  Cathy rushed up the bleachers, huffing and puffing and out of breath. “Hi, Cass. Happy to see you. Man, I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I had to drop something off at my cousin’s, and…” She must have noticed my clenched teeth and death stare. She followed my gaze to see what had me so bent out of shape.

  “Uh-oh,” she said. “Hmm, he sure didn’t waste any time, did he? Are you okay?”

  I growled, then grunted in response.

  Kyra and Dex heard my reply, then looked to see what had prompted it.

  “Oh, don’t worry about it, Cass. Ray is just keeping her company while I’m hanging out with Kyra.”

  “Right,” Cathy said at the same time I did.

  Cathy shook her head. “I wouldn’t believe it for a minute,” Cathy said. “That floozy has homewrecker stamped on her forehead.”

  I grunted again.

  I had never wanted to leap across bleachers and punch the crap out of someone as much as I did at that moment. I didn’t only want to hit her; I wanted to pull out her hair and grab a few tacks and puncture her boobs. I hated feeling this way. I hated feeling like I could spit fire. My hands balled into fists.

  “Mom,” Kyra whispered. “Seriously, are you okay?”

  I shook my head no. My hands opened for a brief moment, then closed into tight fists. “No, I’m not okay,” I managed to sputter. Anger and hurt burned the pit of my stomach and soul. I grabbed my purse and said, “I have to go. I’ll be in the car waiting for you guys, okay?”

  Kyra nodded in understanding.

  I didn’t say another word to Cathy or Dex. I rushed down the steps and jogged to the van. The van had turned into my sanctuary for sanity and private tears. I wondered if I would ever be able to trust a man again. I wondered if I was capable of truly and completely falling in love again. Was this love that I was feeling? Maybe I was in love with Ray. But this quickly? I mean, if I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t have felt this way, right?

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ray sent me a few text messages while I was working on Monday. I ignored them. Later that evening, when I was sitting in the waiting area at Kyra’s dance practice, he called. Twice. I let the calls go to voice mail. I just wasn’t ready to talk to him. I was still wrapping my head around what I had felt watching him chat it up with Mel. Dex didn’t seem to mind, but why would he feel threatened the way I did? He wasn’t the one who was cheated on.

  I wasn’t ready to talk to Ray for the remainder of the week, either. On Friday I didn’t hear a peep from him. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or angry that he stopped trying to reach me.

  I showered and was pulling on an oversize T-shirt when I heard a knock on the door. As I moved to answer it, I noticed that the kids' duffel bags were stuffed and by the door. They only used duffel bags when they spent the night at a friend’s house. I frowned.

  They didn’t race or fight each other to answer the door. “Guys, everything okay?” I shouted out to them.

  “Yes,” they said from somewhere in the house. I heard them laughing. They used that peculiar conspiratorial laugh when they were plotting against me or knew something I didn’t.

  Uneasiness crept up inside me. I peeked through the peephole, but someone had used their thumb to cover it.

  “I’m not opening the door until you move your finger!” I shouted.

  “Cass, open up! It’s me,” Ray shouted. He pounded on the door for good measure.

  My heart raced. I didn’t want to feel this way. I didn’t want to feel giddy and excited. I didn’t want to be exhilarated and charged over a man. But, damn it, I did, thanks to Ray and his rock-hard body. Ray and his big heart and naturally charming and flirtatious spirit.

  I opened the door.

  Cathy was right behind him. “Are you ready, kids?” she asked. She didn’t even bother to acknowledge me. “What? Wait, what? What do you think you’re doing? What?” I asked, ready to grab the baseball bat I kept near the front door.

  “Relax,” Ray said. “Cathy agreed to watch the kids for the weekend while I take you away.”

  “But—”

  “Let’s go,” Ray commanded. “Get your purse, keys, and phone. You won’t need anything else.”

  “Um, shorts?” I said.

  “Fine, get shorts and shoes on. Let’s go.” Ray clapped his hands twice for emphasis.

  The kids grabbed their duffel bags and kissed me on the cheek before scurrying off with Cathy.

  After driving along the Pacific Coast Highway for a little over an hour, Ray turned onto a dirt path and followed it for about twenty minutes. Soon we were driving past rows and rows of grapevines. He parked in front of Halliday Ranch and Winery. He walked to the passenger side of the truck and opened the door for me, offering his hand. “What are you doing, Ray?”

  “Haven’t you figured it out already?” he asked. When I didn’t respond, he said, “Kidnapping you for the weekend.”

  I accepted his hand, then followed him into the winery lobby.

  “Here’s the plan. We will spend a little time here. Sample a few wines, then pick out one or two to take back to the little house I rented for the weekend.”

  “You rented a house?”

  “We both needed a little getaway.”

  Smiling, I nodded in agreement.

  “I’ve never been wine tasting before.”

  “Really?” Ray asked.

  “Really,” I answered. “Will they show me how to taste wine? You know, the whole swirling and sipping thing, tasting the flavors and all that?”

  “I have no idea,” Ray admitted. “I just pick the one that tastes best.” He chuckled.

  I laughed. “Sounds good to me.”

  We sampled a few wines and some sparkling wines. We decided on a bottle of Merlot and two bottles of Chardonnay.

  After leaving the winery, Ray drove another twenty minutes to a tiny house on a big piece of land with peach, orange, pomegranate, and lemon trees. He parked in front of the house. I let myself out of the truck, and we both reached into the bed to grab our duffel bags.

  I followed Ray up the three steps to the front wooden porch. He pulled out a single key from his jeans pocket and unlocked the door. The house had a country feel to it, with light wooden flooring. He grabbed my bag and tossed it in the middle of the family room. I didn’t have a chance to observe the surroundings. Ray reached for me and pulled me close. “I missed you.”

  I sighed. “I missed you, too,” I admitted.

  “Why were you avoiding me?”

  His face was only inches from mine.

  “I couldn’t handle all the emotions inside me. I saw you talking to Mel and thought about how she broke up my marriage, so why wouldn’t she break us up? Then I wondered if we were really together in the first place. Maybe there was no us to break up.”

  “Did you stop to think that maybe I couldn’t handle the feelings going on inside me? Seeing you and the kids with Dex wasn’t exactly easy for me. You realize that, right?”

  “I—”

  “I needed to talk to you about the feelings I was having, and instead of talking to me, you avoided me.”

  “I—”

  “Don’t ever do that again,” Ray commanded.

  “But—”

  “Understand this,
Cass.” He held my cheeks in his hands and looked me straight in the eyes. “I’m in love with you.”

  My eyes watered. I blinked, and tears started to roll down my cheeks. “I’m in love with you, too Ray, and it scares the crap out of me,” I confessed.

  “I’m never going to deliberately hurt you. You understand me?”

  I sniffed and nodded.

  “We talk, okay? That’s the only way to make relationships work. We have to talk,” he emphasized.

  Then he kissed me.

  We began our weekend of lovemaking, eating, lovemaking, and more eating.

  Chapter Fifteen

  While I was working on Tuesday, Ray showed up just before ten in the morning. During the week I had avoided him, he had created the desk and bookshelves for Kyra. Now he was ready to piece it together in her room. I was astonished by his craftsmanship. He used oak and had stained it a light color. Kyra was excited and kept Ray company, along with Max. They all talked animatedly as he worked.

  I was on conference calls for much of the workday. By the time it was over, Ray and the kids were ready to eat. “How about I take you all to dinner?” Ray offered.

  “Heck, yes,” Kyra said. “Thank you, Ray, for making the desk and shelves.” Kyra gave him a hug.

  “You’re welcome. I’m here for you guys,” Ray said proudly.

  We ate at an Italian restaurant, then came back to my place and watched television with the kids. Ray and I snuggled on the couch while the kids lounged on the floor. He reached for my right hand and fiddled with the ring I kept on my ring finger. “That’s pretty. How long have you had that?”

  He was referring to the tenth-anniversary ring I had received from the company. “Oh, thanks. I’ve had it a few years now. It was a gift from the company for my ten-year anniversary.”

  “Ten years?”

  “Yep,” I said.

  He examined it more closely. “Is that a ruby and diamonds?”

  “Ten diamonds—one for each year.”

  “You like that?”

  “What do you mean?”