Hope Over Fear (Over #1)

by J. A. Derouen

  “You can say that again. I even went for a run before coming here today. I’m ready to jump right in.”

  “Well, this works out perfectly. After you left yesterday, I made an appointment with a possible adoption client and another appointment with a current adoption client. I’ll just have you meet with both of them today, if that’s all right with you.”

  Caroline’s confidence in me is a boost to my self-esteem, and I feel up for the challenge. “I’d love to meet with them. Do you have a few minutes to get me up to speed on the current client?”

  “Of course. Actually, I’ll go through their paperwork with you, and then I’ll be out of pocket for the rest of the morning. I’m in charge of an off-site art project today. Other staff members should be arriving shortly, though. You shouldn’t be alone for very long.”

  After a briefing on the client, Caroline takes off in a hurry, leaving me alone in the clinic. It isn’t long before I hear someone in the lobby, and walk up to find a beautiful girl with a tiny, round belly. I estimate that she’s probably about twenty weeks along in her pregnancy. Her face is framed with gorgeous brown ringlets, and she’s staring at me with petrified chocolate brown eyes, her delicate hands fidgeting nervously on top of her rounded belly.

  “Hi there, you must be Abigail. I’m Sara, and I’ll be meeting with you today.”

  “Where’s Miss Caroline?” Abigail questions nervously as her eyes dart to the exit.

  “Miss Caroline has a project off-site today, but she explained your case to me, and I’m more than prepared to go through possible adoptive parent candidates with you. I’m also a labor and delivery nurse, so if you have any questions about your pregnancy or labor, I can talk to you about that, too.”

  “Really? I’m so nervous about actually having the baby. I mean, what if the pain is too much? What if I can’t do it?”

  “Let’s go back to one of the offices and we’ll visit. I’ll answer any questions you have.” I smile reassuringly at her, and she seems slightly calmer than when she first arrived. I know she must be afraid, and I hope I’ll be able to help her through this difficult time.

  About five minutes after Abigail leaves, I hear laughter coming from the lobby. Celia and Adam round the corner into the community staff room, chuckling quietly to each other. Attempting to appear confident, I square my shoulders and give them my biggest smile.

  “Hey. I’m Sara, one of Caroline’s newest recruits. I just started this morning.”

  Celia steps forward and shakes my hand. “Hey, I’m Celia, and this is Adam. It’s so nice to meet you. We’ve both been working at the clinic for a while now. It’s great to have a new face and an extra pair of hands.”

  Celia seems genuine, and I instantly like her. Adam, on the other hand, mumbles a hello and moves to the far side of the room. Just like I thought, he’s one of those unaffected guys. God forbid he takes a minute out of his insanely self-important day to make the new girl feel welcome. Screw him and his unaffected ass.

  Before I can give much thought to Adam and his boorishness, I hear someone in the lobby. Looking at the time, I realize it’s probably my second appointment.

  “Hi, are you Lindsey?”

  “Yes, ma’am, and this is my boyfriend, Lucas. We aren’t sure if this is the right thing for us. I mean we don’t know what we want to do. We just want to get some information …” Based on her rambling, I can tell Lindsey is nervous, understandably so, but I worry she may bolt at any minute. She isn’t showing at all, so she must be in her first trimester, or very early in her second.

  “Hey, that’s perfect. We don’t have to make any decisions today. The three of us will just get to know each other, and I’ll give you information about the different available options. Nothing is set in stone today, okay? We’re just going to talk. There’s no harm in that, right?”

  “I guess not,” Lindsey says.

  I bring Lindsey and Lucas back to one of the offices, and out of the corner of my eye I see Adam walking toward us. As the couple walks through the office door, Adam grabs my arm.

  “Can I talk to you a minute?” Adam has a pleasant enough look on his face, but there’s urgency in his words that I don’t quite understand.

  “Um, sure. Lindsey and Lucas, I’ll just be one minute. Have a seat, and I’ll be right with you.” After I close the office door to separate Adam and me from the couple, I turn to him with a smile. “How can I help you?”

  “How about you let me meet with these clients. I’m mean it’s your first day and all …”

  “Oh, well thanks, that’s really nice of you. But I can take care of it.” As the words are coming out of my mouth, I see Adam’s expression growing hard and cold, making it painfully apparent he doesn’t like my response.

  “Look, Sara was it?” He pauses momentarily and continues, “Look, Sara, I’m glad you’re feeling all gung ho on your first day. But I have to do what’s right for that young couple in there, because they are what’s important, not your ego. I’ve been volunteering here for a very long time, and I can guarantee you I’m much more qualified to handle this meeting. Why don’t you sit in with me and observe? That’s what you can do to help today. Ya got me?”

  The menacing look he gives me makes my insides shake … not with nerves, but with fury. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? The old me would fumble around and step aside with my head hung in shame, but that’s the old me. This asshole will not see me misstep.

  My eyes narrow in on the cold stare of his ice blue eyes, and my hand takes up residence on my hips. “Look, Adam was it? Look, Adam, you don’t have a damn clue what you’re talking about. I’ve been heading up the adoption committee at Providence General for the past four years. That’s the primary reason Caroline asked me to work here. And, by the way, Caroline specifically asked me to take these meetings before she left this morning. Now, if you would like to sit in and learn a few things from me, then feel free to do so. Or better yet, why don’t you go make yourself useful elsewhere. I know, you could give a little sex-Ed class to some of the Northern U students. Why don’t you teach them the proper way to put on a condom? I’m sure women ask a guy like you to double bag it, so you should be more than qualified to teach that particular skill.” And with that, I promptly pivot around and open the office door, leaving a slack jawed Adam standing alone.

  As I collect the paperwork for Lindsey and Lucas, I start to feel the full weight of my little tirade resting heavily on my mind. What in the world was I thinking going off like that? Wow, what a great way to win friends and influence people on my first day.

  As I walk Lindsey and Lucas to the lobby, I only give myself a minute to celebrate a great first meeting with my clients. Then I start worrying about how I’m going to swallow my pride and apologize to Adam for acting so unprofessionally. I meant what I said, but I probably should have left out the cursing and the part where I insinuated he was a skank.

  I turn around and walk slowly back to the staff room like I’m walking to my execution. When I turn the corner, I see Adam sitting at the center table looking straight at me. His arms are flat on the table, and his head is resting on his hands. He’s got a sheepish look on his face, and he’s holding what appears to be a makeshift white flag. Okay, this is not what I was expecting, but it’s definitely a welcome surprise.

  “I’m waving the proverbial white flag, in case you missed it. I even double bagged it at your request …”

  I move closer to Adam and realize he’s waving a small stick with condoms tied to it. I throw my head back in laughter.

  “Yeah, about that. I’m really sorry I insulted your man parts. That was way out of line.”

  Adam stands up and walks toward me with his arms raised in protest. “No, I was the one out of line. I jumped to conclusions without having all the information, and I’m sorry. Caroline would have my ass if she saw how I spoke to you. She’s been trying to recruit you to work with our adoption clients for months. I just didn’t put two and two together,
so I apologize for being a jerk.”

  I’ll admit—the humble Adam is substantially hotter than the unaffected Adam. This poses a problem, because the unaffected Adam was already scorching hot to begin with. The last thing I need is to get all worked up about someone I’m going to be working with on a regular basis. Before I can respond to Adam, Celia walks up and gently places her hand on Adam’s arm. Adam looks up at her and smiles affectionately.

  “Hey, I have a couple of home visits this morning, and then I’ll be back at my office for the rest of the afternoon. I’ll see you at nine tonight, right?”

  Well, problem solved. I should have realized the connection between them yesterday, but now it’s crystal clear. I’m glad the distraction of steamy, humble Adam is an impossibility, but I can’t help but feel a little nagging disappointment in my chest.

  “Yeah, nine o’clock. I’ll see you then, okay?”

  “Okay. Bye, Sara. I’m sorry we didn’t have much time to chat today. The clinic is open until noon on Saturdays. Are you planning on working tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, I think I’ll be here.”

  “Great, we’ll have to make some time to chat.” Celia winks at me, then rushes off. I’m glad Celia didn’t witness my meltdown with Adam and decide to keep her distance from me. Meltdown notwithstanding, I’m hoping to make friends with my coworkers at the clinic.

  “So am I forgiven?” I look over at Adam to see he is still waving his condom flag and looking at me with a puppy dog face.

  “Of course. We’ll just blame it on getting off on the wrong foot. How about that?”

  “Sounds perfect.” Adam smiles and extends his hand. “Friends?”

  I take his hand and shake it, holding it a little longer than socially acceptable as I ponder his request. “Yeah, friends … I’m actually pretty good at the friend thing.”

  Adam gives me a confused look, but I turn around to grab my bag before he can question me about my comment.

  “Will you please tell Caroline I’m sorry I missed her this afternoon? I was only scheduled a half-day today, but I’ll be back in the morning.”

  “Sure thing. See ya tomorrow, friend.” Adam smirks at me, and I can’t help the shudder that silently ripples through me. I thank my lucky stars that Adam is taken, and I don’t have to worry about crushes, butterflies, or any of that shit … I think.

  “See ya,” I mumble as I scurry out the door, cursing myself for my propensity to make everything in my life complicated. Really, it’s a fucking gift.

  “If It Kills Me” by Jason Mraz

  Six Years Ago—Northern University in Providence, Louisiana

  “COME ON, SARA, don’t be so fucking lame! I’m making it my personal mission to get your face out of that textbook and into Melody’s car. There are several shots at the bar with your name on them. We are having a girls’ night.” Marlo stands in my doorway with her arms crossed and her hip popped out to the side. We’ve had this argument so often I’ve lost count.

  “Marlo, you don’t even drink. I don’t get why you think it’s fun to be crammed in a room with a bunch of sweaty drunk people while you are stone cold sober.”

  “I’m high on life, baby, I don’t need alcohol. All I need is my Diet Dr. Pepper, and I’m good to go. You see what the DDP does to me. Do you really think I need to drink?”

  I shake my head and giggle at my overzealous friend. “No, I guess not. I don’t think the student population of Northern U can handle a drunk Marlo. But tonight, I’m afraid it’s going to have to be you, Melody, and your DDP. I just can’t do it. Clinicals are kicking my ass, and I’ve got to study. Sorry, friend …”

  “You are too freaking hard on yourself. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll get 95% instead of 100% on the test? I’ve never seen you make less than an A.” Marlo is always getting on me about working too hard, but my mom sacrificed a great deal for me to attend college. It’s not a joke to me, and I work my ass off to make her proud. I’m also on partial scholarship, and the university doesn’t give second chances.

  “I don’t make less than an A because I study. I can’t risk finding out what happens when I don’t. Besides, Mason is gonna swing by with pizza later. He’s challenged me to a Trivial Pursuit tournament. So fear not, my partying friend, my night will not be devoid of fun.” I shoot Marlo a quick wink and turn my focus back to my books.

  “Mason? Really, Sara! Do I have to get on my other soapbox tonight—”

  “No, absolutely not—” I cut her off, but she, in turn, cuts me off.

  “It absolutely seems that I do. When are you gonna cut that poor boy loose or jump his bones? The entire female population at this college has a voodoo doll with your name on it. It’s a miracle you can still see given the amount of needles that have been poked in your eyeballs. Really, Sara, it’s getting hard to watch.”

  Silently wishing I hadn’t made the mistake of uttering Mason’s name, I prepare myself to have the same conversation, yet again. “Marlo, I swear that Mason and me are just friends. He’s been my best friend since—”

  “Excuse me, I take exception to that claim!” Marlo is sporting her best angry look with one hand on her hip and her other finger pointed straight up in the air.

  “You’re my best friend, too, Marlo. Hold on … that’s so not the point! Stick with the issue. Mason is free to date whoever he chooses. I admit that we’ve both had trouble making significant others understand our relationship in the past, but I would never stop Mason from dating.”

  “Mason is not going to date, Sara. Ya know why? He is head over heels, bat shit crazy in love with your boring ass. No offense …”

  “None taken,” I say sarcastically as I roll my eyes.

  “It’s just that Mason is one fine hunk of man, if I do say so myself. He’s SGA President, Kappa Tau Rush Chair, and Mr. Northern U. Panties are dropping all over campus for that boy. Except for yours, the only panties he really wants. I hate to have to put this so eloquently, but here I go. Shit or get off the pot, girl!” Marlo bellows while stomping her right foot and flailing her arms.

  “And on that note, y’all have a good time tonight,” I say mockingly with an eye roll.

  “Okay, I’ll accept your dismissal. I’ll accept it only because I believe I’ve made my point. It’s time—just reach over and grab his ass tonight. Ooh, and what a fine piece of ass it is.”

  “Out! Now!” I scream, as I stand up and push Marlo out the door.

  After I close the door, I lean against it for a moment, completely lost in thought. Although it is mixed in with a whole lotta crazy, I can’t deny that Marlo makes some valid points. I’ve felt it barreling toward me like a freight train for some time now. I’ve done my best to stay blissfully ignorant, but my excuses and blatant denial are starting to wear thin. I know what Mason wants; I just don’t know if or when I’ll ever be ready to give it to him.

  “Well, sweetheart, you’ve managed to whip my ass once again.” Mason is shaking his head and slumping his shoulders, admitting defeat. I don’t believe him for one second.

  “Whatever! You let me win, like you always do. It’s not even believable anymore. ESPN is the homepage on your computer, the most used app on your phone, and the only station your television knows. Every Louisiana boy knows where Archie Manning played college ball. I call bullshit!” I try my best to give Mason a serious stare down as we sit cross-legged on opposite sides of the game board.

  Mason always devises a Trivial Pursuit: Special Edition anytime I have a big test. I ask him the normal questions from the game, but he creates special questions and categories that coincide with my upcoming test. There is a guy in Kappa Tau that’s in most of my nursing classes, and I think Mason has him help make the questions. I’m not really sure how he does it, but I’m damn glad that he does. Studying with Mason is a welcome break from the monotony of reading and note taking.

  “Hey, we all choke on occasion. It happens to the best of us!”

  “Even though you’re a
big fat liar, you know I appreciate you doing this for me, right? I should make a Trivial Pursuit: Finance Edition for you, but I can’t even begin to think about what those questions would look like. This girl can barely balance a checkbook.”

  Mason pushes the game board aside and scoots closer to me. “You don’t need to thank me, sweetheart. You know I’d do just about anything for you.”

  The air in the room is charged with electricity, and I’m suddenly very aware of Mason’s proximity. He lightly places his hands on my thighs, and his hands are slightly closer than what is considered friend approved, and he’s close enough that I feel his breath tickling my face. I involuntarily stiffen, unsure of what happens next. I see the hurt in Mason’s eyes as my body goes rigid, and guilt washes over me.

  “So how about them Saints?” Mason awkwardly changes the subject as he pushes away from me dejectedly.

  At a loss for words, I allow the uncomfortable silence to envelop the room. I’m aware of how important my response is, and I don’t want to hurt Mason needlessly. These moments of silence give me much needed time to gather my thoughts. I feel like I’ve spent our whole friendship silently pleading for more time. Mason, always unwavering and completely sure of what he wants, reluctantly grants me this time over and over again. I’m secretly terrified of the day that he realizes that I’m not worth the wait.

  “Mase, you know you’re my guy, right?” I gently shove his shoulder, silently willing him to look up and reassure me of our friendship.

  “Yeah, Sara, I know I’m your guy …” Mason’s voice is just above a whisper as his shoulders slump. He looks utterly defeated.

  “You mean the world to me, Mase. I can’t imagine my life without you being a part of it. Just thinking about that … crushes me. You’re so ready to jump into this thing head first, but what happens if things don’t work out? We risk everything and walk away with nothing? I can’t lose you, Mase …”