Hope Over Fear (Over #1)

by J. A. Derouen

  “So I only know bits and pieces of the story. I think that he must be her first love, maybe her only love. She’s never said that … it’s just a feeling I get. But I do know that he died. I don’t know the specifics, or even the vague details. I just know he’s gone, and it’s had a profound influence on her.”

  “That’s just … heartbreaking. I’m glad you told me. I was about to ask her about the photograph in front of everyone. God, how stupid …” I shake my head vigorously and cover my mouth with my hands.

  “Hey, you didn’t know, and the picture is up in the living room for everyone to see. I don’t normally spill my friends’ business, but I know the two of you will be spending a great deal of time together. Be gentle with her. She very rarely dates, instead throwing herself into her work and her friends. She’s fiercely loyal—the best kind of person—but I wish she would talk to someone about what happened.”

  “Well, thank you for trusting me. I would never want to hurt Celia. You know, I thought you were a couple,” I confess, feigning interest in the brick floor in an effort to avoid his gaze.

  “Really?” Adam’s laughter fills the courtyard. “Wow, you must have thought I was a fucking jerk!”

  “I was … confused.” I laugh, shaking my head.

  “If you thought I had a girlfriend, I must really suck at this whole flirting thing.” Adam slumps his shoulders and looks up at me with a sheepish grin on his face.

  I lean forward and push Adam’s leg and giggle, words failing me as my cheeks flush—again. I’m perpetually red around this guy.

  “So tell me about your Bug. Are you a closet mechanic? Did you rebuild it yourself?”

  I’m thankful for the change in subject, and I feel my nerves calm in response. “No, it was a car my dad had bought with the intention of rebuilding. He died when I was three, and my mom never got rid of it. When I was old enough to work, I got a job as a nursing assistant at a nursing home and started saving my checks. My dad had a mechanic friend, Mr. Sam, who helped me with the project. It meant something to me that it was my dad’s car, and I think it meant something to Mr. Sam, too.”

  Adam is contemplative as he watches me. “I’m sorry to hear about your dad. How did he die?”

  “He was a police officer, killed in the line of duty. Wow, I don’t like the way that sounds. Like that’s all he was, you know? Of course, he was more than just that. He was everything to my mom and me. Unfortunately, I don’t remember him well, but I have photographs, and my mom talks about him a lot. Anyway, he responded to a domestic disturbance, and the husband had a gun. I’m not entirely sure how the struggle happened, but my dad and the wife were both shot and declared dead at the scene. The man who killed them was sentenced to life in prison without parole.” Adam is still facing me, but he moves his chair closer. He wraps his hands around the back of my knees, squeezing gently. The gesture is soothing and exciting in equal measure.

  “How do you forgive something like that? I mean, can you? This man has altered the course of your life … of your mother’s life. How do you let go and move on?” Adam’s question unnerves me. It’s not the question itself, but the intent behind it. I get the feeling that Adam is asking me because he needs to know the answer.

  “I think it’s different for me because I was so young. I’ve lived my life trying to focus on making my dad proud. I think my dad was a large part of the reason I became a nurse. I want to make a difference in people’s lives the way that he did as a police officer. I try my best not to give the shooter a second of my thoughts. My thoughts and prayers focus on my dad and my mom to find peace.”

  “But I think it’s harder for my mom. You know that bastard sends a letter on the anniversary of my father’s death every year? She’s never opened them; she just shoves them in a shoebox in the back of her closet. My mom has never dwelled on the negative things in her life, but I don’t know if she’s ever let go of what happened. I’m just not sure.” Adam’s gaze burns me as I lean into him. He brushes his fingers back and forth across the back of my knees.

  “Did she ever find someone else? Did she remarry?”

  “No, she didn’t. I’m sure she’s had the occasional date, but she’s always kept her social life private. I’ve never seen her with another man.”

  “It’s obvious how much you love her. I bet you’re both extraordinary women.” Adam winks at me playfully, and I welcome the lightheartedness he brings back to our conversation. I didn’t expect things to get so heavy tonight.

  “Look, Sara, there’s something I need to tell you—”

  Before Adam can finish his sentence, a commotion inside steals my attention. It sounds like a stampede running through Celia’s house and then slamming into her back door. As the door swings open, Adam shoots up out of the chair, creating distance between the two of us. He turns around and faces the door just as a young boy and girl barrel down the steps.

  “Daddy! Daddy! Aunty Caroline took us for ice cream after the movie! Gage dropped his cone, but I shared with him.” The little girl has a tiara sitting on top her head of light brown curls and a glittery wand in her hand. She’s wearing patent leather, black Mary Janes and a light pink pea coat. The most interesting thing is that this little princess has jumped into Adam’s arms.

  “Daddy, can Auntie Caroline sleep over? I want her to sleep in my tent with me.” The little boy has inky black, curly hair and a long, furry tail hanging out the back of his blue jeans. He jumps onto Adam’s other hip, and he holds them both effortlessly while they tug on his neck, ears, and everything else they can get their hands on.

  “Sorry, bud, but I think Auntie Caroline needs to go home and get some rest after an eventful night with you two! But can I sleep with you in your tent?”

  “I want to sleep in the tent, too!” The little girl whacks Adam on the back with the wand as she sings her request.

  “Easy with the wand, Lily Pad.” Adam laughs and crouches down to set them both on their feet. He’s at eye level with them, and they are both snuggling as close to their dad as they can get. Their dad? What the hell?

  The boy puts both of his tiny hands on Adam’s cheeks and smiles excitedly. “I want you and Lily to sleep in my tent. It’ll be a slumber party!”

  “I can’t wait, little man.” There is such tenderness in Adam’s voice. Drip. Drip.

  “Lily and Gage, I want y’all to walk next door with me and get ready for bed. Your dad will walk over in just a minute, and then it’ll be time to put up the tent!” I hadn’t noticed Celia standing at the back door. When I look up at her, she winks and shrugs innocently with a tiny smirk on her face.

  They take turns kissing Adam on the cheek and race toward Celia. She holds up her hands as a means of defense as they barrel in her direction. The three of them disappear into the house under Adam’s watchful eye.

  Adam remains crouched down with his back to me for a few moments, rubbing his neck and shaking his head. After a deep breath, he turns around and faces me.

  “So …”

  “So …” I throw back at him. I’m not sure how to respond to what I just witnessed. Most importantly, I wonder why he hasn’t mentioned his children before.

  Adam walks up to me and squats down between my legs, placing his hand on either side of my hips. “Look, I know you’re probably a bit surprised right about now, but I’m going to ask that you hear me out, okay?”

  I nod quickly, ready to hear his explanation. Although I feel that Adam should have mentioned something sooner, I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  “So, I’m sure it didn’t escape your attention that I have children. They’re four years old … twins. I know I should have said something sooner, but I didn’t want to scare you away. It never felt like the right time—there’s really no excuse, and I’m sorry. With that said, I’m not looking for a mother for my kids.”

  “My children have never met anyone that I’ve dated, and that’s the way I like it. Just like your mother, I keep that part o
f my life separate. Lily and Gage are my whole world, and it leaves me very little time to meet new people. Because of that, I rarely date. But I have to be honest with you. I’ve wanted you since that first day when you put me in my place. There’s something about you … I just want to know you. I can’t explain it any better than that, and I really hope you give me that chance.”

  Adam runs his fingers up and down my thighs and then grabs behind my knees and pulls me forward in the chair. Our lips are inches apart, and my eyes instinctively look down as his tongue sweeps his bottom lip. He gently takes a lock of my hair and secures it behind my ear, letting his fingers trail down my neck.

  “I could be wrong, but I think you feel something between us, too. I know my situation makes things a little … challenging, but I’m hoping I can convince you to be creative with me. I’m sure we can carve out time to get to know each other if we put our minds to it. The fact is, Sara, I don’t think I can let you walk away.”

  Adam reaches around and wraps my hair around his fist, then gently pulls, exposing my neck. My breath is coming in short bursts, and I fight with my body to appear calm and in control. His nose trails delicately across my cheek, down my neck, and over my collarbone. He gently nips at the base of my neck, and my body shudders involuntarily. He kisses hungrily up the side of my neck until he reaches my ear.

  “Just give me a chance. I promise you won’t regret it, beautiful girl,” he whispers. He shifts back just far enough to look into my eyes. And I’m lost. Lost in the hunger and desire I see reflecting back at me.

  Lowering his head toward me, he sucks my bottom lip, and I grasp his forearms tightly for balance. There’s nothing tentative about his approach. He’s self-assured, knows what he wants, and takes it. I fucking love that. He coaxes my lips open with his tongue and devours me. As our tongues slide hungrily against each other, he pulls me even closer to him and pushes his way between my legs. Adam kisses like he’s starving, and I’m all too happy to provide.

  Adam ends the kiss way too soon for my liking. We stay intertwined and breathless for a few moments, and I love that I hold power over him like he does over me. He looks up at me with a lazy smirk, and it feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. He’s stunning, and I can’t believe he’s interested in someone like me.

  “Well, I hope I’ve done a satisfactory job pleading my case …”

  “It’s definitely worth looking into further …” My voice is barely a whisper, but I’m surprised I can form a coherent thought after Adam’s assault.

  “Look, I have to go, but I meant every word I said. Just think about it, okay? Can I call you this week?” The hint of vulnerability I hear in his request only serves to make him more irresistible.

  “Yeah, you can call me. I work at the hospital at the beginning of the week, so later in the week would be better.”

  Adam pushes up to a standing position and rests his lips on my forehead.

  “Good night, Sara.” He holds my hand as long as he can, before he walks away, flashing me his killer smile.

  One thought keeps playing over and over in my mind while I run my fingers across my swollen lips. I think I may be in deep trouble with this one.

  “So, by the stunned look on your face when you saw Lily and Gage, it’s safe to say he didn’t tell you about them before they came barreling down the stairs.”

  I look up and see Celia leaning against the doorframe while shaking her head and smirking knowingly. “What? Oh, no he didn’t say anything. Every time I think I have him figured out, he throws me a curveball. At first, I think he’s a jerk. Then I think he’s a flirt, then a cheater, and now a dad? I haven’t known him long enough to change my opinion this many times. I have whiplash!”

  “Listen, the only thing you need to focus on is that Adam is a great guy. I’m glad to see him take an interest in someone. And I’m glad that someone is you. I think you should give him a chance.”

  “And to think, just this morning I thought you were his girlfriend!” I shake my head in disbelief.

  “With us being next door neighbors and me helping with the kids so much, it would make things so simple if we were a couple. But neither of us feels that way for the other. Our relationship has always been strictly platonic. There’s absolutely no sexual tension between us. You want that extreme physical attraction with someone, ya know?”

  “Yeah, Celia, I know. I couldn’t agree with you more …”

  “Run Every Time” by Gavin DeGraw

  Three Years Ago – Providence, LA

  HOW DID I get here? I painstakingly search for the answer to that question, and I’m unable to come up with anything substantial. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s unanswerable.

  I compare my life to an intricate domino display. Each domino plays a part in the demolition: one piece falls into the next, causing that piece to fall into the next and so on. The blame for the destruction lies with each and every piece. Similarly, the blame for my situation lies in every small decision I’ve made, starting with the first time I allowed Mason to kiss me.

  It started out with a peck on the forehead, almost like how a parent would kiss a child. Slowly, the forehead kiss began to migrate down my face until he’d moved my hair aside and kissed the curve of my neck. The progression was so incredibly slow it felt ridiculous to protest. How could I tell him to stop kissing my cheek when he’d been kissing my forehead for weeks? How could I demand that he stop kissing my jawline when he’d been kissing my cheek for weeks? One by one, the dominos were tipping over, and all the while I was completely oblivious.

  So here I sit, resisting moving in with my boyfriend who I never really made the conscious decision to date—slowly suffocating with the pressure to make the right decision. I feel the pressure from Mason, my mom, his parents, and our friends. I can see the sparkle of the engagement ring that will follow closely behind the move-in. I can hear the organ playing “Here Comes the Bride” at our inevitable wedding. I feel the exhaustion that will follow after the birth of our two-point-five kids. And I can’t fucking breathe.

  I argue with Mason; I tell him this is happening too soon, that I’m not ready.

  “Baby, we spend all of our time together anyway. Why keep paying for two houses when we could be saving that money for a rainy day … or a beautiful sunny day on our honeymoon. I’m just kidding! Don’t look at me like that, Sara, I’m just yanking your chain!”

  Mason picks my feet up off the floor and places them in his lap. He begins massaging each foot, making me sigh heavily and close my eyes. He is a master at the art of distraction.

  While it may seem like I don’t love Mason, nothing could be further from the truth. I love him dearly, and the thought of hurting him causes me physical pain. He treats me like a princess, he believes in me, he makes me laugh, and he looks like a Greek god. How could I not love him?

  But I don’t think it’s enough. Maybe I’m afraid of the commitment because I’m so young. Maybe I resist because everyone tells me we are right for each other, and I’m subconsciously being an obstinate little brat. Maybe I’m worried there’s no way I could find my forever with my first long-term relationship. Or maybe this is all wrong …

  I try to explain how I feel to Marlo, and I leave with more questions than answers.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Marlo, but I feel like I’m drowning. Like someone is holding my head under water, and I can’t breathe. I can’t move in with Mase, I just can’t.” I’m searching her eyes frantically for any indication that she understands what I’m going through.

  “Easy girl, calm down. Just look at me and take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That’s it, Sara, you got it.” Marlo takes deep breaths with me, and I feel my pulse slowly stabilize. “Thank God. I thought I was going to have to get your crazy ass a paper bag to breathe into!”

  “Nice, Marlo, real nice …” I sniff dejectedly.

  “What can I say, my compassion knows no bounds. Now, I’m
going to ask you a question, and I want you to take your time and think about your answer. What is it about moving in with Mason that has your panties in such a twist, babe?”

  I continue to breathe deeply as I try to find a way explain my objections. I think it’s hard to put into words because I feel like I’m betraying Mason by saying them out loud. I’ve become a master of pushing my doubts to the deep corners of my mind, but I can’t hide from those thoughts after I say them out loud. I give them breath and life once I share them, but I have no choice anymore. I need someone else’s perspective, and Marlo is the least judgmental person I know.

  “It’s just another step in a direction that I’m unsure about … what if he’s not the one, Marlo?”

  “Then he’s not the one. It’s that simple. But you better be sure before you go blowing shit up. Not everything can be put back together, ya know. Before you do anything rash, let’s talk this out together. Is there something in particular that’s making you feel this way?” she asks.

  “Okay. Well, it’s hard to explain. I’ve always thought that when I fell in love, I would be giddy, excited, beside myself with happiness. I just thought it would be different. I love Mason, I really do. But this … relationship … feels so …” I’m searching for a word that escapes me while Marlo impatiently waves her hand to prompt me.

  “Spit it out, crazy girl!”

  “Civilized! It all feels so fucking civilized! I feel like we have entered into an agreement that is mutually beneficial for the both of us. I’ve entered into a merger of sorts. I don’t want a fucking merger; I want fireworks! I want to feel my stomach drop when he enters the room. I know I sound stupid, but I want butterflies, no matter how cliché that sounds, ya know?”

  “Okay, be real with me, Sara. How’s the sex?”