Hope Over Fear (Over #1)

by J. A. Derouen

  “Well, we aren’t back together or anything, if that’s what you mean. But we’re talking, and that’s the first step, right?”

  Cain lets out a heavy sigh and slowly nods his head. “I suppose you’re right. Celia keeps talking all kinds of therapist mumbo jumbo about you needing to believe in yourself and how you deserve to be happy. I don’t know what the shit she’s talking about, but she’s usually pretty smart about that kind of stuff. I’ll tell you what I do know. They deserve it. Adam and those kids deserve to be happy, and if that means you, then I’m cool with it. What Adam’s been through with his sister? Those kids never knowing their mother? They deserve a win. I need you to see to that.”

  “Well, I’ll get right on that,” I joke.

  “Look, I’m sorry if you feel like I ratted you out to Adam—”

  “No, don’t apologize. I get it, Cain. He’s your friend.”

  “You’re right, he’s my friend. But you’re my friend, too. I told him because I thought it was the best thing for both of you. I did it because I care about both of you.”

  “Aw, Cain, you’re such a softy.” I laugh and shove Cain’s shoulder. “I’m glad we cleared the air. I have a feeling it would suck to be on your bad side.”

  Cain shoves me right back and chuckles. “You don’t even know the half of it. I take revenge to a whole new level. Speaking of sucking, don’t you still owe me some kink? I’ve been waiting patiently. Shouldn’t I be rewarded?”

  Cain lowers his head and dramatically bats his eyelashes. “Oh hush. We’ve already decided that you don’t really want to know about my kink. Adam’s junk, remember?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Keep that shit to yourself. I want to be able to look my friend in the eye,” Cain says as he gazes out over the pond. “Ya know, they keep asking about you. He won’t tell you that, but I will.”

  “Huh?”

  “Lily and Gage. They keep asking Adam to call you to come over. My boy’s too proud to pull out the big guns, but I have no qualms about going for the jugular.”

  “Well, you definitely hit your mark. Thanks for that,” I say as I mindlessly rub the ache in my chest that Cain’s comment created. I search my mind for a subject change to relieve the heaviness of the air around us. “Hey, have you and Alex played golf together? I heard y’all talk about it, but she hasn’t mentioned it. I got my hopes up thinking there might be a love connection, then radio silence. What’s up?”

  Cain may be just what Alex needs to get her out of her funk. He’s such a free spirit, and he would keep her in stitches.

  “Alex and I have a standing weekly golf game, but I promise you there’s no love connection. I believe both of our hearts are otherwise occupied right now. We’ve become pretty good friends, actually. She is something else that you need to see about. I know you didn’t come out here to get a “to-do” list from me, but she needs you.”

  “That’s weird she didn’t tell me she’s been playing with you. I feel like she’s been pushing me away lately, and I don’t know what to do about it. Do you have any idea what’s going on?” I ask Cain, hoping for some clarity.

  “She may be pushing you away, but it’s high time you push back. All I know is she’s looking for someone from her past. It’s been going on for a while now. She’s all torn up about it, and I’d guess that’s why she’s keeping her distance. She doesn’t want to answer your questions. I don’t ask a lot of questions and do my best to keep her spirits up. That’s my job. Getting to the bottom of this shit? That’s your job.”

  Cain’s speculation about Alex’s situation sounds eerily similar to what I stumbled upon when I went home with her. That was months ago, and it seems it still hasn’t resolved itself. I think Cain may be right. Alex needs reinforcements.

  “Look, I’m gonna go before you add any more chores to my list,” I say as I stand up and brush the grass off my shorts. “I’m on the Alex thing, okay? Thanks for being there for her.”

  “Don’t mention it. Sure wish she’d give me a break on the golf course, though. She’s relentless.” Cain casts his line out into the water and gives me a backward glance. “I expect to see you at The Courtyard tonight, Sara.”

  “Ballsy much? Enough with the tasks, big man! I’ll be there, okay? Not because you told me to, but because Adam asked me.”

  Cain’s chuckle lingers as I close my car door.

  “Endlessly” by Green River Ordinance

  TWINKLING LIGHTS SNAKE through the trellises that cover the outdoor patio of The Courtyard, creating an air of enchantment. Summer has officially taken hold in Providence, and the evening feels downright steamy. I scan the crowd searching for familiar faces as I nervously wipe my sweaty palms on the front of my dress.

  A trickle of moisture runs down the small of my back. I’m wearing a loose-fitting black linen sundress and open-toed black wedges, aiming for fashionable yet comfortable. I keep my face bare except for a touch of lip-gloss; Louisiana summers are famous for making women look like rabid raccoons, so I forego all other makeup.

  I feel his presence before I see him, and his eyes tip up to meet mine almost instantly, as if he senses me, too. He’s sitting near the stage with his guitar, and his mouth curls into a devastating smile that trips my heart up a bit. The other musicians who sit beside him attempt to get his attention, but neither of us is willing to break eye contact with the other. My soul feels lighter at the mere sight of him. Complicated feels simple. Unlikely feels inevitable. Only he makes me feel this way—like I can climb whatever mountain life puts in our path.

  He gives me a small wave that I return and then points to a table in the front. I follow his directions, and see our friends have commandeered the front and center table. I weave between the tables and chairs, dodging feet and purses as I make my way to the front.

  A chair knocks me sharply in the hip, and then I overhear a loud sigh. “Oh God, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

  I can’t believe I didn’t see that pointy little nose from across the room. Melody’s words seethe with venom, and I sidestep quickly to dodge whatever else she may shove my way. I scan the table and realize she’s sitting with several of our college friends who are enthralled with the twinkling lights, their drinks, or basically anything to ignore the scene Melody is creating—and me.

  “Excuse me, Melody,” I say with an even tone. I keep making my way through the crowd before she can respond. She will not ruin this night; I refuse to let her.

  Celia notices my approach first. She lets out a girly shriek as she jumps up to hug me and then whispers quickly into my ear, “I’m so glad you came, Sara. It means a lot to Adam, I promise you.”

  “There’s nowhere I’d rather be,” I say with a smile and then scan the table. “Wow, are y’all planning on feeding the entire Northern U football team?”

  Cain, Alex, Marlo, Audrey, and Celia have ordered more than enough bar food—cheese sticks, nachos, salsa, guacamole, egg rolls, chicken wings, and fried onions are spilling over the sides of the table.

  “You know what they say, Sara. Nothing complements bad poetry and pitchy vocals like fried cheese,” Marlo quips.

  “Who says that?” Celia asks innocently.

  “Jeez, girl, you’ve got to catch on to the back and forth if you’re going to hang with us. Get with the routine!”

  “Just ignore her, Celia. That’s what we do.” Alex laughs.

  “They try to act like I annoy them. Whatever, I don’t buy it,” Marlo huffs as she crosses her arms and looks away.

  “Hey Sara, I want to introduce you to my cousin, Will. He’s a freshman at Northern U this year. I’ve taught him everything he knows.” Cain raises his eyebrows suggestively.

  Will stands and shakes my hand as he laughs good-naturedly. “Please excuse my cousin. He makes it sound like I’m in ladykiller training.”

  Will resembles a slightly younger version of Cain—so much so, they could pass for brothers. Cain reaches up to squeeze Will’s shoulder affectionately, and it’s obvious
they have a close relationship.

  “Well, he is the Cowboy Casanova. But I’d be careful about taking any advice from him, Will. You may end up with a black eye and bruised nuts,” Marlo says as she shoots Cain a smirk.

  “Pipe down, princess. My satchel has, and always will, remain intact.”

  “Satchel? Really? That’s what you call the jewels? That doesn’t sound very manly. It reminds me of a shriveled up leather bag—”

  “Good evening, folks, and welcome to open mic night! We’re going to jump right in and get started, if y’all don’t mind. We’ll start the night with a little jazz ensemble. Please welcome Vanishing Nova!” The announcer exits the stage, and three men walk out carrying a trumpet, a saxophone, and a tuba.

  “Just in the nick of time, if you ask me,” Alex mutters under her breath. I laugh and shake my head in agreement. Cain and Marlo have a knack for taking a conversation straight to the gutter.

  Several other performers take the stage before Adam, and I feel my anticipation building. Being here, and waiting to hear him play, feels reminiscent of our first date, but with a depth and intensity that only time and intimacy can create.

  When the announcer introduces Adam, everything seems to fall away. I only see him while everything else becomes white noise. He sits on a stool and gently strums his guitar, looking up at the audience with a devastating smile.

  “Hey everybody, I want to thank y’all for coming out tonight. I hope y’all enjoy what I’ve got planned. Let’s start with a little Gavin DeGraw.”

  Adam’s voice provides my soul the solace it so desperately needs. Whether he’s talking, singing, or whispering quietly in my ear, he calms and excites me in equal measure. He affects me in a way no one else ever has. And tonight is no different. The rasp of his voice is seductive, and his fingers expertly strumming the chords of his guitar is spellbinding.

  Applause signals the end of his first song, although it feels as if he started playing only moments ago. He moves into his next song without introduction, and I recognize the tune after only a few notes. That particular American Authors song is burned into my brain along with the memories that are tied to it. My eyes dart to his, and his mischievous smirk tells me everything I need to know. Cain’s right—Lily and Gage have been talking about me. I return Adam’s knowing smile, and my heart warms at the thought; there might be a place for me in his family.

  “Shit,” Alex’s hushed whisper wipes the smile off my face, and I follow her gaze. Mason and Natalie stand in the entryway of the patio as they survey the crowd. Mason’s eyes meet mine, and he breaks out into a smile and waves energetically. I return his smile and wave back. He leans in and whispers something in Natalie’s ear. She gives him a nod of recognition and finds me in the crowd. She gives me a genuine smile, and in that moment, my sins don’t feel quite so heavy.

  I feel no jealousy. I feel no sadness. All I feel is pure, unadulterated happiness for them and hopefulness for me.

  Mason and Natalie make their way to Melody’s table, and I turn to Alex and give her a reassuring nod. “It’s okay. Really. It’s great to see Mason. Nothing but good thoughts, okay?”

  Before Alex can respond, Adam wraps up the song, and the crowd bursts into raucous applause. All my attention returns to him, and Mason quickly becomes a fleeting thought.

  “I have one more song for y’all. It’s from one of my favorite bands, Green River Ordinance. The song is called “Endlessly.” Sara, this is for you, love.” Adam begins gently strumming his guitar while meeting my slack-jawed stare with fierce intensity.

  As he tells of an all-consuming love, of undying affection, and of never-ending patience, I’m overwhelmed with emotion. All external sounds disappear, and I’m left with just the two of us. He stops my heart. He floods my senses. His loves surrounds and protects me. His song heals me one note at a time.

  One minute. One hour. One day. I’m not sure how much time passes before his song comes to an end. I shoot up out of my chair with every intention of pummeling Adam right on the stage when someone or something blocks my path.

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Your manipulation really knows no bounds. Weren’t you just cozying up to that paramedic last week? You make me fucking sick.” Melody’s poisonous words jolt me back to reality, and I look down to see her wicked eyes dancing with satisfaction.

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Melody, so get out of the way and leave me the fuck alone,” I whisper calmly, trying to stay in control of my anger.

  “Nobody rattled your cage, you little twit, so keep on walking!” Marlo shouts as she points a cheese stick at Melody.

  “Really, Marlo? Do you think your ass can stand another cheese stick? The seams of your jeans are screaming for mercy,” Melody spouts viciously.

  “Hold on there, girl. Nobody makes fun of Marlo but me, ya got me? And besides, your ass could use a cheese stick or ten. Take it from me; no man likes to fuck a bag of bones. Jeez, are you starving to death?” Cain stands to his full height, giving Melody an irritated glare.

  “Guys, I have this, really. Just let me handle it,” I say, although it’s obviously falling on deaf ears.

  “If everyone needs to make me the villain here, what-the-fuck-ever. But I am beyond tired of watching this train wreck barrel through every man in Providence. She’s acid … poison.” Melody’s voice is loud enough to gain the attention of surrounding tables, and embarrassment floods through me.

  “I’m sorry, is there a problem here?” Adam somehow snuck up behind me and has decided to join in on this hot mess. I close my eyes and pray for everything to just wash away.

  “Dude, I’m about to save you a world of hurt, and you can thank me later.” Melody points her finger at me and exacts her gaze back to Adam. “You need to run, and when I say run, I mean as fast as you fucking can, from this girl. She’s toxic; save yourself the heartache. Believe me, I know what—”

  “Enough! That’s quite enough, Melody,” Natalie interrupts with Mason standing behind her. You’ve got to be kidding me right now. I’m waiting for Jesus himself to show up and weigh in on this argument.

  “Natalie, this doesn’t concern you,” Melody hisses.

  “That’s where you are dead wrong. The person this doesn’t concern is you. Everyone has moved on but you, Melody, and I’ve had enough of it. Mason? He’s happy. Me? I’m happy. Sara appears to be happy, too, along with her friend here,” Natalie explains, pointing to Adam. “The only person who’s unhappy is you. So why don’t you go take care of that, and leave Sara the hell alone!”

  I can’t stand here and listen to my life splayed out for the world to see any longer. It’s getting hard to breathe, like I’m suffocating under the pressure.

  “Please excuse me,” I whisper as I grab my purse and beeline for the bathroom, skirting tables and chairs as quickly as I can. I need a minute to myself.

  I splash water on my face and stare at my reflection in the mirror. What the hell just happened out there? One minute, I’m ready to run into Adam’s arms and never let him go, and the next I’m playing referee between Melody, Marlo, Cain, and Natalie. And Natalie taking my side? That was definitely a shock … but I can’t deny it felt good.

  I turn when I hear the bathroom door swing open, and Natalie stands at the entrance with a sympathetic look.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  “Sure, I’ll be fine. Thanks for taking up for me back there. I’m not sure why you did it, but … well, just thanks. I don’t know why Melody can’t let this go and leave me alone, but it’s gotten really old, ya know?”

  Natalie crosses her arms and lifts an eyebrow. “Well, I may be able to shed a little light on that. You’re obviously not aware of this, but Melody has been in love with Jared since college. From what I understand, she’s still carrying a torch for him.”

  “Wow, that’s never gonna happen,” I mutter under my breath. I can’t believe she has been spewing her hatred at me for a year over a man she wi
ll never have. You’ve got to be kidding me.

  “You can say that again. Unless she magically grows a penis …” Natalie smirks and shoots me a knowing look.

  “Wait, you know?”

  “That’s Jared’s gay? Yeah, I know. I went to Tulane with his cousin, Mary. A big group of us stayed at Jared’s apartment in Dallas a few times for bachelorette parties and things like that over the years. He didn’t announce it or anything, but he didn’t put forth much effort to hide it. Small world, right?”

  Realization sweeps through me. Now it makes sense that Natalie would take up for me when she saw Melody attacking me. She knows it’s all a lie. She knows I didn’t betray Mason like everyone thinks.

  “Wow,” I say, with widened eyes and my head cocked to the side. “Wait, hold on a minute. Does Mason know … I mean, does he—”

  “No, Sara, he doesn’t. I didn’t think it was my place to tell him. But I understand if you want to, and I have no problem with it.” Natalie is quiet for a moment, and then she reaches out and squeezes my hand. “I know it’s been hard for you, and I want to thank you for letting him go. You know, I love him with all of my heart …”

  “That’s what he deserves,” I say quickly, my eyes filling with tears. “That’s all I ever wanted for him.”

  “I know it is—”

  The ringing of my phone interrupts Natalie, and I reach into my purse to identify the caller. Abby. She’s full term now, and we’ve been waiting for labor to start.

  “I’m sorry Natalie, I have to take this.”

  She nods in approval, and I answer the phone.

  “Abby, is everything okay?”

  “Sara, thank God! No, I think my water broke, and I’m starting to have contractions. I went the bathroom to clean up, and there’s blood, Sara! A lot of blood. I don’t know what to do!” Abby sounds frantic and breathless.

  “Okay, Abby, just try to calm down. Have you called an ambulance?” I speak as calmly as I can, hoping not to further upset her.

  “Yes, right before I called you. I’m so scared, Sara,” Abby confesses, and her voice breaks into a sob.