The Truth in My Lies

by Ivy Smoak

  “What I asked? You know how I feel about you leaving the house. You need to tell Charlotte to come here from now on.”

  “I can’t just stop going to the meetings. People will talk.”

  “I agreed on the runs. You didn’t ask me about this. You’re not going anymore.”

  “It’s just a meeting twice a month. I don’t see…”

  He slammed his glass down. “We’ve have this conversation before, Adeline. It’s not safe for you to be roaming about.”

  “It wasn’t a conversation!” I shouldn’t have yelled. God, I shouldn’t have yelled. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had raised my voice. Anger radiated off his body too, making me cower. “I’m sorry,” I said before he could get a word in. “You told me what I could and couldn’t do. I never agreed to anything, you…”

  “Because I’m the only one capable of making decisions. For your own safety.”

  “I can make my own decisions. I’m fine. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m okay? I’m not a child.”

  He sighed. “One phone call. That’s all it takes. Don’t make me do it again.” His tone scared me. This wasn’t the first time he had threatened this. And I couldn’t go back.

  “I’m sorry.” Tears bit at the corners of my eyes. “Please don’t. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re clearly still sick, Adeline. All I’ve done is try to help you.”

  “I’m so sorry. I’ll be better.”

  He tilted his head to the side and the bones in his neck cracked.

  I hated that noise. It was the only thing worse than hearing him say he was home. That handsome face that greeted me earlier was gone. The horrid one in front of me was what I was familiar with.

  I needed to say something. Anything to stop this from escalating. “I promise. I’ll stay in. I can’t run anymore. I can’t even walk. I’ll stay here all day. I’ll be good.”

  He reached across the table and took my hand in his.

  My veins turned to ice.

  “You’ll be a good girl for me?”

  The kale threatened to come back up. “I’ll be so good.”

  “Promise me, Adeline.”

  I nodded. But I didn’t say the words. I had no intention of actually being good. Because it felt like I was running out of time. He said one day soon he wouldn’t be traveling as much. That meant one day soon I’d lose whatever scrap of freedom I had left.

  “I just want what’s best for you.” His fingers slid up my wrist. “You know that, babe.” His thumb traced the scars along my wrist.

  I kept my hand completely still even though it ached to be away from him. I hated when he touched me there. He thought I was insane. But he drove me to insanity. It was him. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on his face instead of his fingers running along the scars. “I want what’s best for you too.” And what was best for him was to be dead in a ditch. Just the thought of covering his body with dirt made me smile.

  He smiled back. “I’m sorry I got upset. I just…worry. Being away so much is hard. It’s so hard.”

  I nodded.

  He stood up and walked around the table toward me. “Look at me.” He gently touched the bottom of my chin and tilted my face to his. “How about you show me what a good girl you’re going to be.”

  “Okay.” My voice sounded small. What else did he want? I had already given him all of me.

  He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to the floor in front of him. I landed hard on my knees and my injured ankle twisted awkwardly beneath me. I swallowed down the agony in my throat. He knew I was hurt. He knew I was in pain.

  But I knew him too. I knew he got off on belittling me. Threatening me. Hurting me. And I prayed that this would be over soon. Not just this moment or this night. But us. Us and all the lies our relationship was built on. One of our hearts needed to stop beating. I just prayed it would be his.

  Chapter 11

  I pushed the curtains to the side and watched his sleek black sedan roll down the driveway. It already sounded like a clock was ticking in my head, counting down his return. If I was lucky, he and his pretentious car would be squashed by a semi.

  I stumbled down the hall. My ankle hurt more than ever. I was exhausted. I needed sleep and a whole bottle of Advil. But there was only one thing I could think of.

  I let my knees collapse when I reached the pantry. My hands pushed aside the rice and pasta until my fingers wrapped around the bottle. I popped off the top and put three pills in my mouth. One for Saturday. One for Sunday. And one for today.

  The pills in my empty stomach made me want to puke. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and shoved the bottle back into its hiding spot. I didn’t have the courage to read the label. Besides, I already knew the consequences.

  I wanted to scream. I had always been able to slip away before. I had never missed a day. But my damn ankle had made it impossible to quietly sneak away from my husband. I let my head fall back on one of the shelves. I needed to go to the doctor as soon as possible. My stomach churned again, threatening to send the pills back up.

  All I wanted all weekend was to hear Ben knocking on my door. I wanted him to rescue me. I wanted him to see the truth and save me from the hell I was living. But he hadn’t come. I had told him to stay away and he had listened.

  Ben was supposed to come today, though. I had already made up my mind to send him away. I didn’t want him to see me like this. But how else was I supposed to get to the doctor’s office? I had no car. And even if I did, I couldn’t drive with my hurt ankle. I needed to get up and get ready. Why was I so exhausted?

  When I reached my room, I was completely spent. I wanted to lie down in bed and milk my wounds. For years, I had learned to keep my mouth shut. For years, I had been numb. That’s what the pills were for. I understood that now. They were supposed to turn me into the perfect wife. Screw that. This weekend had been different. I couldn’t help my sassy replies. No matter how hard I tried to behave, I just…couldn’t. I gingerly touched my shoulder. The pain was even worse than the pain in my ankle. No matter what my husband said, I didn’t deserve that. Fighting with words was one things. But I wasn’t physically strong enough to defend myself from him.

  A sweater would cover it up, though, and Ben would never see the bruises. I slipped on a pair of jeans too, being careful with my ankle. The leaves were changing outside and falling to the ground. Hopefully the air was crisp. Or else I’d be sweating all day, pretending to be cold. This time I didn’t bother with fancy lingerie. There was no point. And I kept my makeup minimal. The bruise on my forehead had vanished and there was no reason for concealer. The person staring back at me was me in all my glory. That was the reason I had always had issues with men. They were attracted to my outside. But I had never made a point in tricking Ben into thinking I was good on the inside. We bickered constantly. We complained about each other. He saw what was behind my face. And I didn’t want to trick him. I didn’t want to put him in the crossfire.

  But I craved Ben. I wasn’t even sure why. Maybe because when we bickered, he didn’t put his hands on me. He didn’t laugh when I cried. Most of all, though, I craved him because he wasn’t my husband. And I fucking hated my husband.

  I pulled the rings off my finger, tossed them in my nightstand, and slammed the drawer shut. I was done being pushed around. Finished. It was time to find a way out. As soon as my ankle was healed. In the meantime, I needed a plan. And it had to be flawless or I’d be pulled back into hell.

  A few Advil’s and a blank sheet of ideas later, I drifted to sleep at the kitchen table.

  ***

  A rapping on the back door made me lift my head. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. He had come to the back door. There was something thrilling about sneaking around with him, knowing that if I got caught… I let my thoughts trail off. That wasn’t going to happen.

  I limped to the door, the smile still glued to my face. “Top of the morning to you, Ben,” I said wh
en I opened it.

  He laughed. “Well aren’t you in a good mood this morning?” He leaned down and hugged me.

  I wasn’t expecting it. Not at all. Just the tiniest bit of physical contact. Like we were two old friends that hadn’t seen each other in years. My smile vanished and my lip started to tremble. And I began to cry. Because I couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged me. Really hugged me.

  “Addy?”

  I couldn’t talk about it. Instead, I gripped the back of his shirt, willing him to not let go. Please never let go.

  “Addy.” His voice was softer. Not a question. My name was simply a soothing sound. He was holding me like he understood. But how could he possibly understand my pain? His fingers gently touched my back, drawing me closer to him.

  I was thankful he had come around back. Because I lost track of how long we stood there, our bodies intertwined. It wasn’t inappropriate. His fingers didn’t slip past my waist. He never once leaned down to place his lips upon mine. It really was like he was a friend. A friend I desperately needed.

  He let me soak the front of his button-up flannel shirt. And all he did was gently rub my back.

  Eventually I let my grip on his shirt loosen. I needed to say something before he started questioning me. So I gave him the only excuse I had. “It hurts.” But I wasn’t talking about my ankle. My heart hurt. It physically ached in each beat.

  He slowly pulled back. “Let me take you to the doctor.”

  I was relieved he didn’t press the issue. “Actually, there’s a walk-in clinic on Wesserton Street. I tried to make an appointment with my usual doctor, but he couldn’t fit me in until tomorrow. And I…”

  “Let’s get you to the car.” He slid his arm behind my back.

  “Could you grab my purse?” I gestured to the kitchen table. I had been ready to go for awhile.

  He walked over and put it over his shoulder.

  I was pretty sure that he did it so that I’d smile again. But he probably didn’t expect me to start laughing.

  “Don’t you dare laugh at me,” he said. The smile on his face said otherwise.

  “I didn’t say you had to wear it.”

  He ignored me and slipped his hand back around my waist. I leaned against his strong body all the way to the car.

  Chapter 12

  “Adeline Bell?” the nurse called.

  I grimaced. I had awkwardly positioned the forms they had me fill out so that Ben wouldn’t be able to see them. For some reason, I didn’t want him to know my last name. If he really wanted to, he could look me up without it. He knew my address. He knew what I looked like. But my last name was the icing on the cake. The worst part was that he could find out that I was Mrs. Bell. I needed to tell him. I knew it. But I couldn’t make myself say the words out loud. I’m married. It should have been easy. For me, though, the words were vile. And wrong. Just plain wrong. They summarized a story that desperately needed details.

  I went to stand and Ben’s arm immediately wrapped around me.

  “You can stay here,” I said.

  “You can barely walk.”

  God, he has a point. But he couldn’t come back there with me. I swatted his hand away. “And maybe you forgot, but I told you I didn’t need your help.” Today had been different between us. I hadn’t lashed out at all. There was a calmness. And I had just broken it.

  “This weekend, I thought maybe I just exaggerated your behavior. But alas,” he dipped his mouth to my ear, “you are exactly as I remembered.”

  I ignored everything but the fact that he was thinking about me over the weekend. Instead of doing normal 23 year old things, he was daydreaming about me. I shook my head. He hadn’t said daydreaming. Had he? “I was just trying to leave an impression.”

  “You, Addy, are unforgettable.”

  He was trying to make me swoon. But him escorting me back there wasn’t an option. I wasn’t even planning on talking to the doctor about my ankle. I had more pressing matters.

  “Adeline Bell?” the nurse said again, irritation dripping from her voice.

  “Right here,” I said and pushed Ben away.

  He forced his hand back around my waist. “We’re coming,” Ben said.

  “Would you sit back down?”

  But he was already guiding me toward the nurse.

  “Stop it,” I hissed.

  He ignored me.

  “Right this way,” the nurse said and turned around without questioning who the man was next to me. She was supposed to make him sit back down. What happened to patient confidentiality? What kind of clinic was this?

  I looked up at Ben and he was smirking. Not smiling. It was definitely a smirk. Cocky bastard. He was clearly used to getting what he wanted. My indignation evaporated when I started to wonder if he wanted me. If he did, I wasn’t sure I was strong-willed enough to put up much of a fight. Because I desperately wanted him.

  “You can take a seat right there,” the nurse said and gestured to a few chairs in the corner of the exam room we had just entered.

  We sat down and Ben put his hand on my knee.

  “I’m Joanne,” the nurse said. “Nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Bell.”

  Son of a bitch. I opened my mouth to correct her, knowing full well what might come out of it. I was a dependant on my husband’s insurance. She’d wonder who Ben was and why he was here. If she hadn’t already heard the damn rumors that I was sleeping with him.

  “Nice to meet you,” Ben said, completely unfazed. His hand momentarily left my knee to shake the nurse’s hand. “My wife twisted her ankle on a jog last week. I tried to get her to come in sooner, but she’s stubborn. Right, doll?” he said and winked at me as he placed his hand back on my knee.

  What the hell is happening? I was about to open my mouth again but he cut me off once more.

  “We’re hoping to get it checked out. She’s in a lot of pain. I’m not sure Advil is going to hold her until it improves.”

  “Oh, no,” I said. “That’s okay, I don’t want any medicine.”

  He lowered his eyebrows slightly as he turned back to me. “Isn’t that why we’re here?”

  No. I sighed. “Do you mind going back to the waiting room? I don’t want to bore you with all this,” I said.

  Ben didn’t stand up. “I don’t mind.”

  Damn it. I leaned toward him. “Sweetie, please. Don’t you have a call you need to make?”

  “Nope. I have the whole day off. You know that.”

  “But that important call.” I smiled hoping that would be enough to persuade him to go make his fake call as my fake husband.

  He smiled back. “Of course it can wait. For you. Anything for you, Addy.” He reached up and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.

  This charade was ridiculous. He needed to leave. Now. But his fingertips trailing my cheekbone and behind my ear did feel nice. My body betrayed me and leaned into his touch.

  “Let me get your vitals before the doctor comes in,” the nurse said and shoved a thermometer in my mouth when I was about to protest again.

  I felt like a petulant child. Ben smiled at me. I tried to frown at him without dropping the thermometer. How could I get him to leave?

  The nurse pulled the thermometer out of my mouth. “Normal.” She jotted something down in her notepad before grabbing my arm and attaching the blood pressure sleeve.

  “Shouldn’t she change into a gown or something?” Ben asked.

  Was he trying to see me naked? I slapped his thigh. God, he is trying to see me naked! I wanted to see him naked. That much was for sure.

  He caught me smiling.

  “If the doctor is just looking at her ankle, there’s no need to change,” the nurse said. I hated the restrictive feeling of the blood pressure monitor as it whirred to life. Really, I hated doctors’ offices in general. The only benefit of this one was that the doctor didn’t know me.

  “Normal.” She un-Velcroed the sleeve. “Are you on any prescriptions?”
<
br />   “Nope,” I said.

  Ben squeezed my knee.

  I glared at him.

  “She was on a few, though,” Ben said. “She only just stopped taking them a couple days ago.”

  Stop talking. “But I’m not taking them anymore. So she doesn’t need to know about that.” I laughed awkwardly and bumped my shoulder into his. He was terrible at taking a hint.

  “Actually, I probably should write them down,” the nurse said. “They may still be in your system and we don’t want to give you anything that will interact…”

  “I won’t be taking any new prescriptions either. I just need a word with the doctor.”

  She eyed me coolly.

  “Addy,” Ben said, pulling my hostility back to him.

  “Ben.”

  He smiled.

  I wanted to slap the grin off his face. Or kiss him. I didn’t know anymore. “Please just wait in the waiting room.” I begged him with my eyes.

  A knock on the door sounded and the doctor walked in.

  “How’s everyone doing?” he asked as he took the clipboard from the nurse. She walked out of the room in a huff. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled at us.

  “He was just leaving too. Weren’t you shnookums?” I patted Ben’s knee. Shnookums? I wished I could blame a prescription for making me loopy. What kind of term of endearment was that?

  “Nah, I’ll stick around, doll.” He placed his hand on top of mine, effectively sandwiching my hand between his and his knee.

  The doctor looked back and forth between us before tucking the clipboard under his arm. “Joanne forgot to get your pulse.” He reached toward my wrist and I immediately pulled back, crossing my arm in front of me, and cringing because of my hurt shoulder. I’d take all the pain in the world to prevent him from seeing the scars on my wrists. I came here for the anonymity. I didn’t want him to know about my medical history. There was no time for his judgment. And I certainly wasn’t here for a lecture.