Tell Me How You Really Feel

by Aminah Mae Safi

  Disappointment welled in the pit of Rachel’s stomach. She had wanted the kiss after all. Even if she didn’t deserve it. “What’s that?”

  “Come on,” Sana said, skipping down the hall. “Let’s go get your ear pierced.”

  22

  A Girl After Midnight

  Rachel

  “You want to go do what?” Rachel must have misheard. There was no way Sana had suggested that they go and get a piercing right now.

  Sana grabbed at Rachel’s hand, tugging her playfully along. “I know a guy on Hollywood Boulevard. He looks intimidating but he’s honestly the biggest teddy bear in the world and he does the best job. No swelling or bleeding.”

  “Mentioning swelling and bleeding does not help your case.” Rachel let Sana drag her along. She’d never had this before. Someone dragging her to do something, not out of exasperation or teaching her a lesson, but simply for the sheer joy of making her go along. Rachel felt a bit dizzy with it, whatever this new feeling was unfurling out of her chest and expanding outward, all the way to her tingling fingers and bouncing toes.

  Bouncing toes? Keep it together, Recht.

  “Don’t you want to be brave?”

  Sana had her there. “Well. Yes.”

  Sana smiled. “And you said you always wanted one.”

  “Yes, but—”

  “But what? Is your dad going to be home early?” Sana’s face was so eager, so bright, so ready for adventure, come what may.

  “No, he works late on Thursdays.”

  “There! See!”

  “But…” Rachel was running out of steam in her arguments. “What about your mom? Doesn’t she hate me? Are you allowed out with me ever again?”

  Sana laughed. God, that laugh. Rachel could listen to it forever and probably still not get tired of the sound. A bright, tinkling bell with a grand sense of sarcasm that bit through its natural sweetness.

  “My mom’s at work. She won’t even know I’m out. Besides, I’m in trouble, not you. My mom—” A sad expression crossed Sana’s face, but then faded quickly. “She at least knows where to place her anger. It’s squarely at me. Not you. Never you.”

  Never you was a strong sentiment that Rachel couldn’t quite bring herself to believe. But instead of snorting, she stared into Sana’s earnest expression and felt herself melt a bit.

  Oh no.

  This was why it had always been easier to imagine that Sana was joking, imagine that she was a mean girl with a mean prank. Because at least that way, she could hate Sana. This way—this new one where she saw Sana as she was—she’d end up half in love with the girl. And Rachel had a feeling Sana wasn’t the kind of girl you just got over.

  Did Sana have exes? How many other girls had she kissed?

  A look must have crossed over Rachel’s face, because Sana squeezed her hand. “Don’t worry. I’ll hold your hand. It’ll only hurts for like a second.”

  Rachel nodded. Yes, it was the piercing she was worried about. Not all the girls Sana may or may not have kissed over the course of her lifetime.

  “Okay, and then it throbs, like, after. I mean, it hurts. But you don’t have to go.”

  “I want to.” Rachel got in the driver’s side of her car, leaned over, and unlocked the passenger’s side.

  Sana got in and directed them to a piercing place near Hollywood and Highland. They managed to find parking, despite the fact that the area was a tourist trap and a parking nightmare. The shop had a door that Rachel might have driven by a hundred times already. Maybe a thousand.

  “You ready?” Sana looked over, her hand on the door.

  “As I’ll ever be.” Rachel tried to sound braver than she felt.

  The bell jangled as they walked in. There was something both comforting and incongruous about the fact that a bell jingled, like they were walking into a neighborhood coffee shop rather than a store that said TATTOOS and PIERCINGS in neon lights across a dusty window on Hollywood Boulevard. The walls were covered in flash, there was a jewelry case up front, and the whole place smelled like acrid cleaning solution—nearly like an antiseptic doctor’s office. It turned Rachel’s stomach, until she remembered she wanted her piercers to smell like a doctor’s office. They were, after all, about to put a hole in her body.

  The shop had checkerboard floors and a big glass case full of new jewelry in all sorts of shapes that Rachel didn’t want to think too closely about. She stuck with the obvious ones—hoops and studs. She leaned over, trying to see if she even had any options among the cheapest of the earrings, when a big, booming voice rang out.

  “Look who it is.” Approaching was a bull of a man—covered in tattoos and wearing all black. He even had the septum piercing and everything.

  “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” hedged Rachel.

  Sana just laughed. “Don’t worry. We go way back, Wild Bill and I.”

  Rachel tried to make sense of this. “You got any piercings I don’t know about?”

  Sana blushed. “Just my nose.”

  “Then how does this guy know you like you’re a repeat customer?” Rachel put her hand on her hip.

  “This guy knows her,” said the man in question, “because that girl has the meanest left kick I have ever seen on anybody. Was showing how to do a nose piercing to a trainee, which she was cool with letting me do. And I didn’t hold her down as much as I normally would, because the trainee needed a good view and I figured what damage could a girl like that do? Turns out the answer is a hell of a lot. Nearly thought Bones had a hairline fracture. Turned out to be a deep bruise.”

  Sana looked sheepish. “Cheering.”

  “Cheering?” Rachel was incredulous.

  “Exactly,” said Wild Bill. “I didn’t believe her either.”

  Wild Bill had to be about six foot five. His T-shirt showed off his full-sleeve tattoos. He looked like the kind of guy in a movie that a character would be trash talking until the guy stood up and showed just how big he was. Then the character would stop talking and back away slowly, practically groveling as they exited the bar.

  Bill was sizing up Sana, but not in an unfriendly way. Like they were on good terms, this huge, hulking man and Sana. “What happened to you?”

  Rachel held her breath, waiting for the answer.

  “A string of bad luck, man.” Sana sighed. “A string of bad luck.”

  “That’s a bummer.” Wild Bill shook his head. “Come on in, don’t be shy.” This second part was addressed to Rachel; he was waving her into the back area, where a door was open and waiting.

  “Do you want me back there?” Sana’s hesitance was endearing.

  “If you don’t come back there after this being your idea, I will never forgive you.”

  Sana smiled and Rachel suddenly understood every stupid poem comparing the beloved to the sun. “It wasn’t my idea, strictly speaking.”

  “Lead me to my fate. I am ready, Oh Enthusiastic One.” Rachel held out her hands so that Sana could drag her along again.

  Back in the side room, Wild Bill was swabbing things and setting up paper. He told Rachel to lie down. She closed her eyes. A warm, small, soft hand gently grabbed on to hers.

  “It’s gonna be cool.”

  “I know.” And Rachel believed it.

  “The helix, correct?”

  “Yup.”

  “What jewelry do you want?”

  “Whatever is cheapest and meets the safety requirements.”

  Wild Bill laughed at that. “I’ll go grab it from the front.”

  Alone again, with Sana. Rachel had that same heart-hammering she’d had in her car in the rain. Only this time not because they were nearly about to kiss, but because Sana was holding her hand and lightly stroking her knuckles.

  “It’s gonna be okay, you’ll see. One moment of pain and then you get what you’ve always wanted.” Her voice was like a lullaby. Or what Rachel imagined a lullaby was like. She didn’t have any memories of them. “You’re so brave, you’re being so brave.�
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  Rachel hadn’t noticed before how deep Sana’s voice was. Resonant and commanding, sure. But never deep and low and soothing. A tiny girl with a husky voice, trying to lull Rachel into a calm state.

  Of course, it couldn’t work. Because as soon as Sana’s hands and words and tone soothed Rachel, calmed her nerves down, Rachel realized it was Sana gently brushing a thumb back and forth over her hand and whispering near her ear. Then her heart would start hammering all over again and then she’d remember that she was about to stick a whole new hole in her body and the panic crested anew, a confused wave of fear and excitement.

  “Got it,” said Wild Bill, coming back into the room.

  He sat down, swabbed her ear. That’s when she really felt light-headed, like she was about to get a shot or something, but it wasn’t a shot, it was a hole in her body that she’d have to take care of forever and ever and might get infected and might bleed and—

  “It’s okay,” said Sana, her voice cutting through Rachel’s wild thoughts. “You’ve got this.”

  A wash of calm ran through Rachel right as Wild Bill ran her through with a needle.

  “SHIT.”

  Wild Bill snorted with a light laugh. Even Sana managed to find it funny.

  “Nearly there,” he said.

  “AreyoufuckingkiddingmeBill?”

  “Gotta get the jewelry in,” said Wild Bill matter-of-factly.

  “Oh fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuck,” Rachel whimpered. “I thought you said it was one thing. You didn’t mention the jewelry. You lied.”

  “I forgot!” said Sana. “I always forget about the jewelry. Worst part.”

  “Now she tells me,” said Rachel.

  Wild Bill laughed. “Okay, you can sit up now. And take this.”

  Rachel got up slowly. Wild Bill handed her a lollipop. Rachel popped it into her mouth and the sugar took the edge off.

  “You’re driving home,” said Rachel once the throbbing had stopped making her too dizzy to think.

  “I’ve got a better idea.” There was that smirk on Sana’s mouth, and Rachel knew beyond a reasonable doubt that she was in real trouble.

  “Come on, Recht. Let’s get a little bit reckless.”

  Sana

  This was probably the worst idea in the history of ideas.

  But for once, Sana didn’t care. They had grabbed a burger on the Strip. It had been the sloppy, greasy kind but it had put life back into Rachel’s face. They’d made their way down to Koreatown, the breeze cooling as the sun set. The air tasted better at sunset, smoggy but also refreshing. Full of potential. Full of the night ahead.

  They had parked on a side street and now they were walking down Wilshire, passing doughnut shops, bars, and the errant laundromat. But none of those places were Sana’s aim. No, she had bigger plans for their night. Rachel was letting Sana drag her along. She wasn’t sure if it was the delirium from getting a piercing or a newfound sense of trust. Whatever it was, Sana would take it.

  That’s when she caught sight of the strip mall she’d been looking for. The one with the half-lit sign and the L-shaped parking lot.

  Karaoke.

  She caught sight of a group of olds already in line. They had to be in their thirties, from the sheer polish on them. There were at least fifteen of them. Hopefully, they were celebrating someone’s birthday. Hopefully, they wouldn’t notice when she and Rachel snuck in with them. Somewhere in the middle of the group, but toward the end. “Let’s go in with these people here.”

  Rachel looked around. “They look way older than us. I doubt they would be cool about us sneaking in with them.”

  Sana shrugged. She felt like she’d taken Felix Felicis tonight. Nothing could go wrong. Everything would go their way. “We gotta at least try.”

  “We do?” Rachel sounded reluctant. And confused that she had become the voice of reason for the night.

  “Yes,” said Sana. “Because you and me, we gotta do something for once. You watch the world from behind your camera. And I let girls toss me into the air, flying high, but I’ve never actually gone anywhere. I’ve never even been on an airplane.”

  “What does that have to do with karaoke on a school night?”

  “Everything, Rachel. We’ve gotta have an adventure. And adventures rarely come to you.”

  “Adventures come to people in the movies all the time.” Rachel crossed her arms.

  “That’s movie magic.” Sana crossed her arms back, mirroring Rachel’s posture. “They’re headed in. It’s now or never.”

  Rachel nodded. She uncrossed her arms. For a second Sana thought she was going to turn around. But then she reached out, offered her hand. “Now.”

  Sana took it.

  They blended into the crowd of adults. One of the women in the group had attempted to smuggle in an entire thirty rack of beer in her tote bag and the bouncer was totally preoccupied with taking each individual can out. The woman had an incredulous, that’s-not-mine look on her face.

  The bouncer had his own incredulous, how-is-this-my-life face.

  Sana and Rachel had made it to a dark, narrow hallway when a hand reached out and grabbed Sana by the upper arm in a tight squeeze. “Okay, kids. What are you doing?”

  Sana turned around, sure they were about to be booted out by management. But it wasn’t management. It was the woman who had attempted to smuggle all the beers by the bouncer. She had on high-heeled booties, vintage denim, and the most perfectly winged eyeliner that Sana had ever seen. She was eyeing Sana and Rachel skeptically.

  “Doing karaoke?” Sana tried.

  The woman tilted her head. “Come on. I know I’m old, but I’m not that old.”

  “We don’t drink,” Sana tried again.

  The woman put her hands on her hips.

  But before she could say anything, Rachel interjected. “We’re having an adventure.”

  The woman gave Rachel a once-over, seemed to believe her, and gave a nod. “Fair enough. But you’re sticking with us. I’ll believe the ‘no drinking’ when I see it for myself.” Skepticism slashed across the woman’s face.

  Sana was so relieved to not have to leave as soon as they had gotten in. “Oh! Thank you!”

  “Calm down, ladies. I’m Pooja. In case anyone asks how you ended up at this birthday. Say you’re with me.”

  Then Pooja turned heel and they followed quickly behind her.

  The adults were a raucous crowd. They hardly noticed Sana and Rachel’s presence.

  Rachel looked startled, a bit frozen. Like she wasn’t sure how much longer she could sit here and hang out at someone-she-didn’t-know’s birthday. “Look, we got in, isn’t that enough?”

  Sana wanted this to be fun, to be a real adventure. To be the kind of thing they would remember forever, even if they had to part ways and never see each other ever again one day. Sana got out her phone and got out the app that allowed her to add a song to the karaoke queue. “Wait,” said Sana.

  “What are you doing?” Rachel hissed. The remnants of her good mood had evaporated. She was all worry and pragmatism. And nursing a still-throbbing ear.

  “Just wait” was all Sana could say in response. None of the adults noticed when she added her song to the queue. Even Rachel was too busy worrying and fretting to see it flash across the screen briefly. “Give it a minute, okay?”

  “One minute.” Rachel held up a single finger.

  Sana tapped her feet, a bundle of nerves. She hoped her song came on soon. She knew she had probably closer to five minutes before Rachel really started to kick up a fuss and tried to get them to leave.

  But five minutes wasn’t long when you considered most songs were three and a half.

  The grown-ups were all singing with off-key enthusiasm, and the lyrics were displayed over a screen playing old K-dramas. Right now, a girl and a boy were floating down a river in a small rowboat, their expressions sad and meaningful. Except the song playing was “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls and the incongruity of the moment ca
used a giggle to bubble and burst out of Sana’s mouth. Rachel cut a glare in Sana’s direction. The message was clear: Do not draw attention to us, Khan.

  That’s when Sana saw the prompt pop up—“Whole Wide World,” by Wreckless Eric.

  “Whose song is this?” asked Pooja, a bit of a slur on her lips.

  Too late to back out now. “It’s mine.”

  Sana took the mic and stood up. Rachel looked like she was ready for a hole in the earth to swallow up the entire karaoke place to avoid all of the attention that Sana was drawing to herself. But Sana had meant what she’d said. She was going to make adventure.

  And possibly, a little romance.

  The opening bars kicked in and Sana started off a little quiet, a little unsure with her opening. The guitar was so quiet. Sana could feel her voice—warbled and tense. The opening guitar was so light, so barely there. She’d forgotten that this whole song opened on the sound of the lead’s voice.

  Deep breath. And Sana began to sing, let it out as she sang the words. About going to find the world just to find the one girl who was meant to be.

  She got a whoop from one of the olds. Sana winked in their direction. Rachel stood and stared. The olds, of course, got it right away. They all stared between them like something sweet and good and true was happening in front of them. Sana had seen it in their eyes. Could feel it in the air.

  Young love, they seemed to be saying without words.

  It took Rachel a little bit longer. Must have been the shock, the attention, all of it. Her eyes went as wide as those lenses she was constantly carrying around with her. But she didn’t duck or hide. She looked back as Sana looked at her. And logically, Sana knew she was in a room full of strangers singing a serenade to another girl. Knew she was declaring herself in a big, public way. But she kept on singing, kept on staring at Rachel. Because right now, they were the only two people who mattered, the only two people in the room, the only two people in the world, the only two lovers left alive.

  Keep breathing. You can do this.

  And then the refrain ended and the heavy, bass-filled guitar dropped and Sana didn’t care anymore. Bass could do that to a girl. Give her more confidence. The guitar thrummed out the beat, was practically percussion in itself. She brought the mic up, tapped her feet, swiveled her hips as she sang the chorus.