by Stewart, Ann
“I’m being serious. What type of music do you like?” I have to know more and get more out of him. He’s only given me a small glimpse into his past. But, at least I know something. Besides the fact he’s pretty remarkable in bed, I don’t know very much about his present.
He sighs, seemingly out of frustration. “What’s with the twenty questions, Elyssa?”
“I want to get to know you better.” It’s the truth! More so, I need to get to know him better. Bryan said I couldn’t ask the relationship questions, but I need to know where this is going. I need to know that what I’m feeling is being returned, not just the sex, but the feelings, as well. I know myself well enough. I need to know there are feelings beyond his physical need for me.
“I think you know me pretty well.” He stands, walking towards me. Once again I find his arms around me, his mouth finding my neck as he starts slowly kissing, and nipping. Gently, he lifts me and places me on the kitchen counter, caging me in, with no place to run.
“Alex, please?!” I take his face into both of my hands, looking into his eyes. “Talk to me.”
He stares at me, searching for a reason. After carrying me to the couch, he places his forehead against mine, as I sit astride him. Kissing my forehead, he mollifies me, telling me to ask away.
Good, he’s willing. See, that wasn’t so hard. “What’s your favorite music?”
Resigned to his fate, he answers. “I don’t really have a favorite. I like a lot of different types, but it has to have a soul. I really like acoustic renditions. Love the guitar.”
“Do you play?” Of course, I know the answer because I heard him play for his grandmother. But that night, I felt I was spying on something private in his life, something he wouldn’t want me to see. Even though he was only saving me from the paperclip guy, it was the first night I got to see him; really see him. Meeting his grandmother, going to his house, these are things he doesn’t normally do. Or is it? Do I know enough about him to make that assumption? I hope I’m right. I hope that it was as special for him as it was for me.
Looking up at me, pleasure all over his face, he starts to graze his fingers up and down my thighs. “I’ve been known to strum a string or two.” I’m becoming his own personal instrument and he’s playing me like a pro.
“Were your parent’s musical?”
“No!” If I didn’t already know that his parents are a touchy subject, I do now, as his delicate touch abruptly seizes. After taking a brief moment for himself, he continues. “My dad worked in a textile plant and my mom…well she was technically a homemaker, but she was artistic. She loved to paint and create pottery. She used to take me with her to this studio in San Diego, letting me paint right alongside her. She even showed me how to do some pottery.” His brows furrow as he looks out the window, painstakingly obvious that he misses her.
“I’m sorry, Alex.” I move my head to meet his gaze and give him a gentle kiss. “All of this is new to me. I’m just trying to get to know you. I’m not sure what I can and can’t ask you.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll let you know if it’s something that I don’t want to talk about.” He’s very straightforward. I can appreciate that.
“Do you mind me asking, how long ago was your last relationship?” I hope I don’t overstep my boundaries and when he laughs, I know I haven’t.
“What’s your definition of relationship?” he teases, but his eyes say something entirely different. They are distant, and I suddenly don’t like where I took this line of questioning.
“I guess I should ask you the same question.”
“Well, if you’re asking the last time I had a ‘girlfriend’,” he uses his fingers to make quotation marks, “it must have been in college, but it didn’t last very long.”
“You haven’t had sex since you were in college?” I find that hard to believe.
“You don’t need monogamy to have sex, Elyssa,” he laughs. Is he really making fun of me?
In my world you should have a relationship before having sex, but even as I think it, I realize I’m even breaking my own rules. What he just said means that I’m not the first woman who’s given in to him sexually, without a relationship, and clenches at my heart. I swallow back the dread that’s growing inside; suddenly feeling that maybe Bryan’s words of wisdom may apply to our situation. My old thoughts come back to haunt me. Is he just using me for sex?
“Elyssa, why do you look like I just killed your dog?” His fingers slide under my chin, tilting my head up so he can look me in my eyes, sharp blue to somber green.
“Sorry, I may be naïve, but I think you should be in a relationship if you’re having sex. In my experience, sex is supposed to be meaningful and how can it be if you don’t have a connection.” With everything that’s happened to me in the past, I can’t use sex as a game or a weapon.
“Your past experience, huh? Well how many of these fuckers are out there?”
I hesitate, not knowing if telling him is the right or wrong thing to do. I don’t want him to freak him out, but I also don’t want to lie. Resolving to be honest, I hold up two fingers.
“Two?” I can’t place the expression on his face as it contorts, letting the number sink in. Fear, disgust, confusion? “Two guys before me?”
I shake my head. “Two guys including you.” My heart sinks as I wait in anticipation. I know he’s experienced, I can tell by his sexpertise, but I was hoping he wouldn’t see my innocence as a reason to run, and I’m afraid he’s resolving that right now. God, why did I tell him?
His eyes widen as reality hits him; my innocence now at the forefront of his mind. “Your first being Cole…” I nod. “And why aren’t you guys together still?”
“I told you already. Our relationship, well, there was a lot of things that happened towards the end; things not meant for this conversation. If you must know, I couldn’t give him what he wanted, and I didn’t feel it was fair to him to stay in it. I broke up with him. End of story.”
“And you have remained friends ever since? With no benefits?”
“I told you before. I’m not having sex with him. I don’t do that type of thing, Alex. Obviously, I’m not the type of girl that jumps from guy to guy. Sex means so much more to me.” I cringe as I realize what I’m saying. Shit! I just had a relationship talk with him.
Alex shifts, setting me next to him on the couch. He rests his elbows on his knees and takes his head in his hands. “Elyssa, I never realized how inexperienced you were when I pursued you. I’m sorry…I…”
“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not like I said no.” And that was the truth. I don’t think I could have said no. I wanted him too much.
Alex glances at his watch, commenting on how late it’s getting. I don’t want him to leave and say just as much. “It’s not a matter of what you want right now, Elyssa. I have to go home and check on my grandmother.” Ouch! That was a slap in the face.
“Okay…” I cringe, looking down at my fingers. He’s always leaving me. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” He looks confused. “I have a lunch date with Arianna, but then I should be at the office the rest of the day.”
“Why are you meeting with Arianna? And why aren’t you calling her Mrs. Salerno. She is the CEO of the company,” he snaps. Oh crap! I forgot that he doesn’t know. No one does.
“Calm down! I’ve known her my whole life.” Geez, can I dig myself any deeper? “My mom and Arianna were best friends growing up. She’s been in our family for as long as I’ve been alive.” As I am telling him this, Alex goes a little pale. I don’t understand his reaction, but don’t dare ask. There is so much I don’t know about him, and vice versa.
“After my parents died and I moved to Las Vegas, Arianna tried to help us, but Rachel didn’t want to have anything to do with her. I lost contact with her, but about six months ago, she called me out of the blue and here I am. Please, Alex, don’t tell anyone I told you this. This job is my chance for so much more and I don’t want it ruin
ed because nosey people think I’m in with the CEO.”
After I’m done with my condensed life story, Alex is mute. He looks beside himself with surprise, anger, maybe even a little disgust. But why? After the wave of emotion passes from his face, he stands up and walks towards the door. I stumble after him, completely alarmed at his response. I don’t even know what to say to him.
He reaches down and grasps the door knob and turns. “Good night, Elyssa.” He tilts his head down and places a kiss on my forehead. Closing my eyes in acceptance, I hear the door close. He’s gone. Tears swell in my eyes. I was honest with him and all he could do was call me inexperienced! How dare he?! I don’t know whether to be mad or dejected. Did I just lose him?
In a slow walk to the couch, I lay down, burying my head in my arms. I can’t even explain what just happened. Tears trickle down my face. What have I done? Why couldn’t I just go with the flow like Bryan told me to. I try to calm myself, but the tears continue to stream down my face. Shortly, they are my only companion as I gradually fall asleep.
CHAPTER 10
Thursday, October 04, 2012
This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I’m strapped in, spiraling towards the ground faster and faster as each day brings another twenty-four hours of silence from Alex. It’s been four days now and I’m in absolute misery. Each day has been the same routine; sitting, menial tasks, phone calls, meetings, and hoping to see Alex. I’m starting to feel pathetic, hoping that he’ll come to his senses and sweep me off my feet. But with each passing day, as my cravings grew deeper, his indifference became more prevalent.
I was utterly crushed on Monday and Tuesday when I didn’t see him at all. He wasn’t at work, and he never called. I ended up caving in and called him Tuesday. I was surprised he even answered. But, he blew me off saying he was at the gym and that he would call me later. Did that happen? Nope! He was at work on Wednesday and he at least acknowledged my existence by nodding in my direction. A freaking head nod, that’s all I get!
Well, it’s now Thursday and I’ve heard nothing from him; no phone calls, no text messages, and no spontaneous visits to my apartment. I just don’t understand. In the matter of a week I went from the feeling of falling slowly into love, to plummeting painfully to the ground.
Friday, October 05, 2012
“Ely, can I tell you how much I love you?” Janice beams at me while standing next to my desk. “Kevin absolutely loved, loved, loved what we picked out. It was…amazing.” Her large smile and glowing skin shows that she had an eventful night. Thank God one of us is enjoying ourselves.
“I’m glad, Janice.” My weak smile and bleak tone contradict the intended jovial words. I know I’m going through my own taxing emotions and it’s definitely hard to match her enthusiasm, but hey, I am trying.
“Elyssa, are you ok?” Janice’s look of sympathy almost sends me into a blubbering mess, but I hold back the waterworks, trying very hard to focus on her moment of happiness.
“Yah, I’m fine. Just haven’t been sleeping well.” Empty words wrapped into one easy half-truth. It doesn’t matter, anyway. “So what did you and Kevin end up doing?”
Just as Janice is about to give me a recap of her mind blowing night, our girl talk is interrupted. Glancing in the direction of the throaty, grumbling disruption, I’m startled as I’m caught in the blank stare of Alex’s sky blue eyes; the usual emotion and passion nowhere to be seen. His normal demeanor is gone, replaced by a stone cold, empty soul of a man. Janice slinks away leaving us alone.
He barely looks at me, instead looking in the direction of Arianna’s office as he speaks. “Ms. Hart, can I have the audit files? Mrs. Salerno was out this morning and wasn’t able to send them to me.” Ms. Hart? Fuck you, Mr. James! Two can play this game. He is so infuriating! What did I do to him to deserve this horrid treatment?
“Not a problem, Mr. James. I’ll send them right over,” I purr trying to be as sweet as I can be, choking on them as he walks away.
Tears start to well in my eyes as he stoutly walks away muttering his thanks. I begin to mumble under my breath out of frustration. I’m sure if anyone walked by and even glanced in my direction, I would be committed to an insane asylum. Gathering the information, I attach the file and attack my mouse, taking out all of my frustration. Slamming it against the desk, I finally send it off to Alex. God Damn It! I should have known better. I should have known that a man that has a body made for sin wouldn’t be my knight in shining armor. FUCK!
Quickly, I retreat to the bathroom to blot my eyes. I need to stay calm. There is still an entire day, and I can’t look like a train wreck. Gripping the bathroom counter, I try to focus on regaining my sanity by breathing slowly, in and out. You can do this Ely, its better that you found out about him now; before you got in too deep. I force a smile on my face, knowing my subconscious is right. Before I go back out there, I need to put on the façade I never thought I’d have to use. I have a big meeting with several of the department heads, and I need to prepare. Breathe, Ely…breathe.
I thought this meeting would be an opportune time to set a good impression and let myself shine. I was looking forward to it. But, after my brief interaction with Alex, I’m starting to dread being around Mr. Fickle. My heart aches as the already present lump starts to grow in my throat. Pull it together, Ely! Knowing he’ll be at the same meeting, I resolve to try and find time to talk afterwards. I deserve an explanation. That’s the least he could do.
Prior to the meeting, Janice attempts to cheer me up by chatting with me at my desk, but unfortunately, bitch on heels herself, Autumn, strolls in behind her. Chatting about our busy schedules as we head into the conference room, Janice and I sit on the opposite side of the room, directly across from Autumn. With my already faltering mood, she is the last person I want to deal with. As the room begins to fill, I notice Alex still hasn’t arrived, and what do you know, the only available seats are next to me and Autumn.
Always punctual, Alex arrives to start the meeting right on time; 1:30 p.m. on the dot. I hate to admit it, but I’m still affected by him, my breath hitching as he walks in the door. Please Alex, prove me wrong…prove to me that the past four days was a misunderstanding. That it was just a painful nightmare. Choose me. My hopes are violently crushed after his eyes run across the room and he strides towards the vacated seat next to Autumn. Crash…Bang…Boom! Yup, you heard that right. That was my heart crashing to the floor.
Biting my lower lip, I try and avoid showing any signs of my betrayed heart. Unfortunately, my quivering lip would be the first indicator; the second being the tears threatening to brim my eyes. Taking a moment for myself, I steal my eyes away from Alex chatting quite intimately with Autumn, and try to blink my eyes dry. Keep it together, Ely. Breathing in and out, I finally get my emotions under control. It’s only an hour and then you can get out of this torture chamber.
Giggling, Autumn playfully pushes against Alex’s shoulder. Ok I know he’s not that funny. Sexy yes, but funny…not so much. I swallow back the vomit rising in my throat and continue my deep breathing as I grip the armrest of the chair for dear life. Alex starts the meeting shortly after Autumn’s exaggerated laugh fest and takes the first forty-five minutes to discuss the upcoming audit and the budget for next quarter.
Not only are Alex and Arianna present, but so are a few of the other Sales Managers. Maggie spoke up, even letting me take the floor to discuss the sales agenda for the next couple of weeks. But, even in my moment in the spotlight, Alex refused to even glance in my direction. Instead, he toyed with his pen and glanced all around the room.
The next item on the agenda is the upcoming fundraiser for Alzheimer. Of course Alex’s name would be listed as the host for that topic on the meeting agenda. Little does everyone know that this is a topic near and dear to his heart. There was a time when I thought this knowledge meant our relationship was progressing, but little did I know at the time, it meant nothing.
“The fundraiser is all set
up for tomorrow. Thanks to Janice, all of the vendors have signed their contracts.” Alex points towards his assistant sitting next to me, who’s ecstatic to get his recognition.
“You’re so compassionate, Alex. We can only hope to raise enough money to make you proud.” Autumn interrupts Alex’s speech, placing her right hand on his bicep. Keep touching him and I will break your God damn hand! My eyes narrow as I boil with anger. He appears to not be concerned with her touch, letting her linger longer than she should. I try to calm my nerves, fisting my hands at my sides, as I realize I’m shaking.
“Thank you, Autumn. This cause is very close to me and any money made will be generously matched by management.” He smiles at her and continues to discuss the events in depth. Her hand remains on his arm, making it even harder for me to see straight. Oh my God! Finally, taking a moment to glance in my direction, Alex must see the hurt written on my face, as he turns his chair to move out of Autumn’s dirty grasp, before continuing.
“Thank you to everyone who already signed up for one of the booths at the carnival. I’ve already volunteered to do my time at the Dunk Tank, and I’m sure everyone will be lining up to take a crack at me when it’s my turn. Do it while you can.” The room erupts in laughter. I’d love to throw something at him, only I’d like to do it right now.
“There is one slot open for the Kissing Booth. I only need one more volunteer.” Alex looks around the silent room. He further explains, “You don’t actually have to swap spit with anyone, just a brief kiss on the cheek.” Once again the room starts to giggle and snicker, except for me. Well, aren’t we just a comedian today. He thinks he can replace me with Autumn…well let him. He’ll think twice when he see’s everyone lining up to pay to kiss me.