Picayune

by John DeJordy

  Victor snorted. “Nice? I've heard it described many ways, but nice is usually heard coming from the woman folk. You are man, correct?”

  Picayune snorted this time, louder than Victor. “Quite so. I just never expected where you lived to be this orderly.”

  “What you expect? Oh, that's right, man-eating spiders.”

  “To be honest, I expected thatched huts at best, possibly caves, or holes in the ground. Unkempt savages running around with spears.”

  “And what you think we think of you? Not much different, I can tell you.”

  Nodding at Victor, Picayune was about to reply when they rounded the corner. His eyes opened wide at the massive structure. On both sides of a portcullis, immensely tall statues of orcs facing the heavens held huge braziers. Between the legs of the colossi, seven-foot tall orcs banged war drums.

  Victor pulled on Picayune's tunic. “You ogle later. Time to eat.”

  Picayune nodded and followed Victor into the wooden building. Any time they passed male orcs, the warriors stood and hit their chests with their fists. Victor stepped into a large eating room that easily held over five hundred individuals. The walls contained various trophies, but the ones that caught his eyes were the frost elks from the Frozen North, razor boars from the Koobaloo Jungle, and death hyenas from the Everlasting Desert. In the middle of the room was a long, continuous table that ran the entire length of the room. Bread and fruits were placed at various places along its entire length. Wooden plates with large knives and forks were in front of every chair. On either side of the large table were smaller tables that looked like they were expressly for children. Victor walked to the head of the table and sat.

  Victor motioned for Picayune to sit at his right. He pointed to a chair decorated with skulls and colorful feathers. “Head chair reserved for Mother Orc. Don't look her in eye unless she talk to you. Wait 'til she starts eating before you eat.”

  Picayune leaned over and whispered in Victor's ear so he could be heard over the chatter of the room. “How should I address her?”

  “Mother Orc, unless she gives her name. Her name Dowager.”

  All noise in the room ceased and everyone pointed their faces straight ahead, as if they all wore horse blinders. The orcs stood motionless like statues; their chests not even showing signs of breathing. Picayune jumped to his feet and stood in silence next to Victor. While he waited, he could hear the approach of steady, sharp footsteps. The sounds stopped directly behind Picayune, but he didn't move. The shadow of the person behind him cloaked his entire body. The steps continued around his side until he could glimpse the woman out of the corner of his eye.

  Dowager cleared her throat. “Everyone, be seated.” She sat and glowered to her right. “Tell me, Victor. Why is this human armed?”

  Victor straightened. “He won an honor…”

  Dowager slammed her first on the thick wooden table with enough force to knock over the nearby tankards. “Why is this human armed at MY table?”

  Victor pushed his chair back and stood. He moved behind Picayune's chair. “Your weapon!”

  Picayune followed the orc's mannerisms, standing straight, not taking his eyes off the orc across the table. He undid the clasp holding his scabbard and held it out to his right.

  Victor snatched the weapon with a huff and strapped it to his left side before returning to his seat. As he sat, Picayune mimicked his actions.

  Dowager touched the fingertips on both hands to one another. “Now then, I hear they call you Picayune. Is that correct, human?”

  Picayune faced Dowager. He managed to maintain a neutral expression, neither smiling nor frowning. “That is correct.” Dowager was larger than most of the males in the room. Her chiseled face had a scowl etched on it. She had many battle scars across her dark green face and arms.

  “How did someone like you beat our best warrior?”

  “When your group approached my camp, I heard their approach, so I had time to determine which members of the attacking force were the weakest and eliminated them first.”

  “You defeated the entire scouting party by yourself?”

  “Yes.”

  Dowager’s shocked expression was so strong that it seemed as if it was the first time she had ever experienced the emotion. “Continue.”

  Picayune nodded and cleared his throat. “When I had defeated the group down to the last three, Victor demanded honor combat. Even though I knew I could lose, I agreed. We spoke terms and started. Our combat was fierce. The victory could have gone to either of us at any moment. I had managed to get Victor into a submission hold when two of the orcs in the hunting party attacked me.”

  Dowager sneered at Victor, waiting for his reply before making a comment.

  “It is true. Picayune demand my surrender when Fink and Snitch meddle in honor combat.”

  “Fools! And where are they now?”

  “I killed them, as was my right by the code.”

  Dowager rose and slammed her fists knuckles-down on the table. “Today, another warrior joins our ranks. He has proven himself worthy by defeating our best in honor combat. Tonight we feast in Picayune's honor! Huzzah!”

  An eruption of cheers from everyone including the children rocked the room.

  Victor leaned over to Picayune's ear. “Stand up.”

  Picayune stood and raised his arms, causing another volley of cheers to erupt around the room. When he sat down, servers entered the room carrying large platters of boar and venison. They placed them between the dishes of food already on the table.

  Dowager ripped hunks of both boar and venison from the nearest platters before returning to her chair.

  Victor whacked Picayune on the back. “You get yours now.”

  Picayune grabbed a slab of boar and slapped it on his plate. In respectful imitation of Dowager, he gruffly took some of the other food surrounding the large platters before returning to his seat.

  One by one, the warriors came up and got their food. Victor was next, followed by the warrior across from him, and so on down the table until everyone had a full plate.

  Once Dowager started into the meal, everyone else began eating. Picayune salivated at the savory taste of the spiced meat. He picked up the meat with his hands, not bothering with utensils as he filled his face.

  Victor ripped off a large piece of bread as he watched Picayune. “Now, who’s savage?”

  Picayune guzzled down an exotic blend of strong fruit and hot spices. As he held the tankard to his mouth, his eyes widened and he noticed a slow-moving shadowy figure. Fixated on the veiled individual, he wiped the excess moisture from his mouth on his sleeve and placed his drink on the table.

  The mysterious intruder held one finger up to his mouth and tiptoed passed the orcs, who seemed not to notice him. Picayune's muscles tensed. He wrapped his fingers around his knife, touching it for the first time.

  The shadow man moved behind Dowager and drew a curved dagger that dripped a greenish ichor. He placed both hands on the hilt and raised his arms over his head. He winked at Picayune.

  Picayune flung his dagger overhand, striking the man in the center of the throat. Victor snapped his backhand into Picayune's face in reaction to the apparent attack on the queen.

  The man gurgled on his blood, dropped his weapon to the floor, then fell back into the wall.

  Dowager jumped on the table and spun around. A fiery hatred filled her eyes. She stared at the corpse before turning to Picayune. “How did you know?”

  “I have been gifted with keen sight. It allows me to see things that are hidden from normal view.”

  Dowager faced the rest of the warriors, who had sprung to their feet. “All hail the champion!”

  Picayune moved to the assassin. He moved the cowl that had fallen over the man's face. He stood there, agape when he saw a capsule in his foe's mouth. Before he could react, the stranger bit down, filling the area with a sweet-smelling, pink smoke. Picayune collapsed.

  Chapter 14

&nbs
p; Picayune rubbed his itchy nose and blinked his eyes. He sat up in bed and looked around the room. A strong, sweet scent lingered in the room. Phineas was already up and dressed. He sat on his bed and brushed his tail into full thickness. Alacrity and Lacer were also ready, sitting on the edges of their beds.

  A soft knock panicked the companions, and they all jumped to the floor. “Five minutes until we leave!”

  Picayune slid off the bed and hurried to put on the clothes provided for him. Just as he fastened the last button on his robe, the door flung open.

  Mocking the group, Cortege crossed his arms across his chest. “Well, don't all of you look sweet? Please follow me. You should not keep our queen waiting.”

  Picayune looked at his compatriots as they walked to the door. He felt stronger with them standing behind him. He followed Cortege into the hall and bowed to the women badgers who had helped his group to prepare.

  Through the twisty passages, they followed the gruff badger until they came to a viewing room designed to draw the eyes of all who entered to a throne that sat against the back wall. Badgers stood upright with their chins up, chests out, shoulders back, and stomachs in along the walls. The throne was adorned with spirit rocks of all different sizes.

  Picayune whispered to Phineas. “I thought we were going to eat?”

  He must have been louder than he realized because, before Phineas could reply, Cortege walked up to the dormouse and slapped him lightly across the cheek. “You will eat when it is time to eat. The queen will address you first.”

  Picayune nodded and stepped back.

  “Cortege!” a female voice scolded. “What is the meaning of this?”

  Cortege spun around. The queen stood in the doorway. He ran over to her and bowed. “Just some necessary discipline to keep the prisoners in line.”

  The queen reached over, seized a tuff of fur below Cortege's chin, and yanked. Her eyes narrowed to slits. “They are our guests. Do I make myself clear?”

  Cortege sucked in as much air as she would let him. “Yes, my queen.”

  “And you won't touch any of them again, correct?”

  The badger's eyes budged. He began to struggle in the queen's grasp. “Yes, my queen.”

  The queen concentrated on Picayune while maintaining her iron grip on Cortege. “Did he hurt you, dear?”

  For one brief moment, Picayune considered answering differently, but stood up tall and stepped forward. “No, um, my queen. It was one of his lighter disciplines.” Picayune silently chastised himself for the slip, but didn't let it show on his face.

  The queen wiggled in obvious glee at the way Picayune addressed her. “Simply call me Your Majesty, my boy.” She fixated on Cortege with a withering expression. “We will discuss your methods later.” She flung him to the ground. Cortege collapsed on all fours, coughing and wheezing. “Well?”

  Cortege took a deep breath. “Yes, my queen,” he managed to blurt out.

  “Now, get out of my sight.”

  The badger scrambled out the door through which the queen had entered.

  The queen waddled to her throne and sat down. “Now then. Come forth, you four.”

  Picayune peeped and held up his hand. “There are five of us, Your Majesty.”

  “Are you suggesting that I cannot count?”

  “No, Your Majesty, but there should be five of us. One of our comrades is not here.”

  “Cortege! Shake your tail,” the queen shouted with anger in her voice.

  After an awkward silence, Cortege dove into the room and landed at the queen's feet. “Yes, my queen?”

  “How dare you not bring their whole group before me?”

  Cortege looked up, visibly counting heads before groveling again. “Four is all there's ever been.”

  The queen eyed Picayune, her muzzle held high. “Are you trying to deceive me?”

  Picayune stood up tall. “No, Your Majesty. We arrived here with my friend Swift-Hopper, and I haven't seen him since we started to work.”

  “Swift-Hopper,” Cortege grumbled. “Do you mean the mount?”

  Picayune cast his gaze down to Cortege. “He is my friend. He enjoys taking me places; he is better built for it than I.”

  The queen raised her voice. “Enough! Cortege, go get this Swift-Hopper and bring him back here. Be quick about it.”

  “My queen, IT is not fit to be presented before you.”

  “Are you questioning my orders?”

  Cortege got up and bowed three times before he stammered, “On my way,” then ran out the door.

  The queen motioned one of the guards to approach her. After she whispered something in his ear, the guard bowed and ran off down one of the corridors. She gestured to the group. “So tell me, what do you think of our place here?”

  Picayune approached the queen with a few short steps. “I miss the sun.”

  “Yes, I know what you mean. I miss her warming rays. But now, with your help, we will soon return to the surface and greet her loving embrace.”

  Picayune looked around. Noticing puzzled expressions, he addressed the queen. “Your Majesty, may I ask you a question?”

  The queen showed her sharp, stained teeth to the dormouse. “You may ask me anything you like, dear. What is troubling you?”

  Picayune paused. The glint in her eyes bothered him for some reason. “Why not just ask for help instead of forcing others to work for you?”

  “What if they said no?”

  Before Picayune could answer, two badgers walked in with trays of cheese, nuts, and fruit on pieces of toast.

  Picayune sniffed the delightful aroma coming from the trays. He shook his muzzle to clear his head, then concentrated on the queen.

  The queen licked her front teeth and lowered her gaze to her audience. “Please help yourselves. These were made for you.”

  Alacrity and Lacer grabbed a handful each and gobbled the treats down, leaving bits of food all over their bodies. Picayune looked at the food, but when Phineas waved off the servers, Picayune declined as well.

  “I will wait for the main meal,” Picayune told the queen.

  Leaning on the doorframe, Cortege wheezed and collapsed at the queen's feet. “I present Swift-Hopper,” he blurted out as exhaustion overtook him and he planted his face on the ground.

  The queen looked at Cortege, curling her muzzle up. “Perhaps you need more exercise so you won’t be out of breath like this.”

  “No, My Queen. Anything but that!”

  “Away with you. I will decide later.”

  Swift-Hopper pranced tiptoe into the room and over to Picayune. “Why didn't you come to see me?” he mouthed through the bridle.

  Picayune sighed and reached up to brush off the caked dirt on the side of his friend's head. “I haven't been able to do much, Swift.”

  The queen stood up. “There we go. One big, happy family reunion. Now, we can eat. Follow me.”

  Picayune removed the bridle and was about to unfasten the harness when he noticed that the straps had been cut. Unbuckling the leather straps, he threw them on the floor and followed the queen.

  The queen walked to her private table, which was already covered with a variety of food. Everyone stood still while the queen got into her chair and dug into her food, sending bits of what she was eating everywhere.

  A portly badger ushered Picayune and the rest of the prisoners to their own table. Picayune sat, wiggling on the chair. He sniffed at the steamed vegetables, drooling slightly at the wonderful fragrance.

  Swift-Hopper dove into the food, smearing his face with the warm, soft berries.

  Phineas scoffed and pushed away the empty bowl in front of him.

  Between dishes, the queen glanced over at Phineas. “What's wrong? I thought your kind loved roasted nuts.”

  “We do. It's the company that turns my stomach.”

  Picayune placed his hand on Phineas' chest. “Your Majesty? Now that you have what you were looking for, can we leave?”

  The queen
spat out the food in her mouth and guffawed until the entire room joined in. “My dear boy, why would you want to leave us?”

  “I have to save a friend of mine. She is in danger from Dragon!”

  “Aww. Is she your true love?”

  Picayune squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. “No, but she is important to me.”

  “My dear boy, what makes you think I'd ever let you go on such a foolish journey? If she went off to Dragon, then she is a goner for sure. Besides, I wouldn't risk your safety. After all, the way the Hoo-Caw reproduce, I imagine I will need lots and lots of rocks.”

  “What if I don't get any more spirit rocks?”

  The queen rose from the table with a scowl on her face. The badgers in the room looked away, fearful of the look coming from their queen. She waddled over to Picayune's table and placed both paws on top of it. “If you refuse, then perhaps we will feed the squirrel to Nom-Nom in front of you so you can understand the true meaning of terror. But don't decide now. Take a night to think about it.” She clapped twice.

  Cortege stumbled into the room. “Yes, My Queen?”

  “Escort them back to their room. I want you to personally stand guard at their room tonight.”

  “But My Queen, I haven't prepared…”

  “Perhaps you'd like to take Trail's place?”

  “No, My Queen.” Cortege faced the group with panicky sternness. “You heard My Queen. On your feet.”

  Alacrity stuffed the last of his food in his mouth and left the table. Picayune and Phineas wrapped their arms around Lacer and pulled him from the food.

  “Come on, Swift-Hopper,” Picayune called to the kangaroo rat.

  Swift-Hopper sighed before taking a huge mouthful, and jumped alongside Picayune.

  The five moved silently through the maze of corridors before arriving back at their room.

  Cortege looked in disgust as Swift-Hopper entered the room. “You are going to sleep with it? Kecker! You vermin have no couth.”

  Picayune stood and poked Cortege in the chest. “He has better manners than you will ever have.”

  “Right. You keep telling yourself that.”

  Picayune waited for Cortege to leave before slamming the door behind him.