by Sierra Hill
Maybe this new 2.0 version of me is simply me growing the fuck up. Whatever it is, it’s made me realize that I have fallen for Ainsley. And I am in desperate need to explain to her why I didn’t tell her the truth about what happened to me.
I’m nervous as I step into the front entryway of my grandfather’s nursing home. I’ve been practicing what I’m going to say and how I’ll bring it up with Ainsley when I see her. It’s the only thing I’ve been thinking about the last few days.
Moving into the kitchen, I glance around and see a woman standing at the kitchen, hovering over one of the house occupants as she cuts a sandwich for him. She turns her head to the side and smiles. I’ve never met her, but I assume she’s the owner because she’s not wearing the scrubs uniform.
“Hi there. You must be Cade, Simon’s grandson.” She wipes off her hands on a rag and walks toward me, offering me her hand in greeting. I shake it and smile, returning her greeting. “I’m Gail Marshall. It’s great to meet you.”
“Hi Gail. Yes, I’m Cade. Um, is my grandfather around?” I look around the room to locate him. He’s usually at the kitchen table when I arrive, ready for either one of our games or to eat lunch. But he’s not there today.
Her smile falters slightly, the wrinkles around her eyes become more prominent as she glances away. I don’t know her, but I can tell instantly that something’s going on and my instincts aren’t wrong.
“I’m so sorry no one contacted you, Cade. Simon was taken to the hospital last night. He has a pretty bad upper respiratory infection and we didn’t want it turning into pneumonia. So as a precautionary measure, we had him admitted. Since you aren’t on his emergency contact list, we didn’t call you. Your mother has been notified.”
Anger strangles me like a noose. Why the hell didn’t my mom call me? She knows I’ve been spending time with gramps and that I’d want to know what’s going on. I barely get out a response to Gail as I pull out my phone and tap out a frustrated message.
Me: When were you going to tell me about gramps?
Mom: I’m sorry Cade. I didn’t want to worry you.
Me: Well, too late. What hospital is he at?
Mom: Regence.
My contempt at the moment is high. I spin on my heel and start toward the door before realizing that I haven’t seen Ainsley yet, either.
I look over my shoulder back at Gail as I grasp the front door handle.
“Is Ainsley working today?”
Gail quietly nods in understanding. I’m sure it’s written all over my face. My need. My absolute and utter pain over the probability of losing her.
“Ainsley is at the hospital with your grandfather.”
There have been only a handful of times I’ve visited anyone in the hospital. My sister Kady had surgery on her torn meniscus when she was thirteen after injuring it in a soccer game. And another time when my cousin, Deena, had a baby and my mom made me tag along. Talk about the most boring hour of my then fifteen-year-old life.
Yet, neither of those times had me worried or concerned for someone’s life. The anxiety I feel right now over seeing my grandfather lying listless in a hospital bed, looking white as a ghost, has me choking on my worry.
Standing in the doorway of the room I was directed to, my gaze shifts from my grandfather’s body over to the beautiful form of Ainsley sitting next to his bed. She’s hunched over his bed, her back to the door, holding his hand and talking to him softly.
“Mr. Forsberg, you know you’re too stubborn to let this infection get you down. Plus, you promised me you’d be my date to watch Cade play in his upcoming basketball game. I need your help because I don’t know anything about basketball, so you have to be my very own walking Wikipedia. That’s an encyclopedia for my generation.” She laughs quietly at her attempt at humor, as her hand gently strums across his.
It’s probably wrong to stand here, unannounced, and listen to her speak to him, but I can’t gather the strength yet to make my presence known. Once I do that, I know the reaction I’ll get from her. If it’s one thing I’ve learned about Ainsley, it’s that in her world, there is only black and white, right and wrong. Good and bad. There is no in between for her. Without question, because I’ve kept my situation from her, she’s going to see me as a goddamn lying son-of-a-bitch.
I’m just about to take that monumental step inside the door when her voice fills the room again.
“I really liked him, Simon. He’s been so good to me. He reminds me an awful lot of you. I bet you were just like him when you were younger. It’s probably how you got your wife to go out with you in the first place. All that charm and that pretty boy smile.” She laughs. I grin from ear-to-ear.
I may still have a chance, after all.
“But he lied to me. He didn’t tell me the truth about something really important. It really broke my heart that he couldn’t trust me enough to share it. I’ll admit, I am a tiny bit jealous over what he did with that girl…but I know it happened before me. He’s a popular guy. I get it. But I was so hurt finding out the way I did. To find out that I wasn’t as special to him as I thought I was…” Her voice wanders off. “I thought we had a good thing going…”
I hang my head and clear my throat. Lifting it back up, I see Ainsley swing her head over her shoulder to find me standing in the doorway.
“We did,” I say, taking a few steps forward. Slowly, like I’m approaching a wounded and lost animal, worried I might scare her off. She stares at me with contempt. I don’t blame her.
“We do have a good thing, Ainsley. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I didn’t tell you. I wanted to…but I just hoped it would go away. I didn’t want to face telling you because I was so ashamed of my behavior. You had such high expectations, but you liked me. I didn’t want to lose you. You deserve someone so much better than me, so I tried to convince myself that if you didn’t know about it, then it didn’t happen.”
My knees hit the ground next to her chair, my head almost level with hers. Reaching out, I place my hand on top of hers, which is still resting on Gramp’s hand. She snaps it away.
She looks mortified that I’m there. “How long have you been here?”
“Long enough.”
Ainsley lets out a dramatic sigh and begins to stand up when I place my hands on her shoulders, gently pushing her back down until her butt hits the chair again.
“Please,” I implore her, hoping to have this time to get things out in the open. “Let me explain.”
She shakes her head emphatically, closing her eyes and turning her head away from me.
I try again. “Please.”
Maybe the combination of desperation and sincerity in my voice does it, because her shoulders droop in a look of defeat and she slowly turns back to face me. Her sad eyes fix on my face.
Not wanting to lose a second of the time I have with her, I begin.
“I fucked up. I knew better, but I was stupid and easily influenced that night. When I was busted, I took responsibility for my actions and never disagreed with the repercussions. I was lucky they didn’t take my license away from me. The probation restrictions are fairly light, but I’m still cautious. I don’t want to mess up again. That’s why I didn’t drive you home the night of my party. I’d never endanger myself or anyone else by being that stupid.”
“Why didn’t you come clean with me? I thought…well, I thought we were…”
I interrupt. “We are. I care about you so much, Ainsley, more than I ever thought possible. The only people who knew about what happened that night were my parents, my coach, Carver and Lance. That’s it. I couldn’t risk your judgment or you ending things with me, so I didn’t tell you.”
Ainsley’s expression is blank. “So you didn’t trust me, then.”
It’s as if a lead balloon has expanded in my chest and as I inhale, is ready to burst.
I let out a deep sigh. “It’s not that, Ains. It’s just that you have such high standards.” She gives me a dubious look. “L
ook how long it took you to finally go out with me…I didn’t want to ruin it by admitting I really am an idiot.”
She scoffs and rolls her eyes.
“Listen, I know this isn’t coming out right. The point is, I’m deeply regretful that I kept this from you and I’m so sorry. But I don’t regret the time I’ve spent with you. This semester has been the best I’ve ever had, even considering the trouble I got myself into early on. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You are special to me and I’m so sorry for not opening up to you about it.” I swallow, the lump getting stuck in my throat before I say what I have to say next.
“I understand why you hate me. I deserve your anger. I get it. But I need you. And, I love you, Ainsley. Please forgive me.”
Three little words. I didn’t know they existed until now. I knew my feelings were serious about Ainsley, but hadn’t put two-and-two together yet. Although, since the night we made love without a condom, I knew, deep down, it wasn’t just sex. We have a connection. A bond. Something that goes so deep I can barely live without it.
Based on Ainsley’s expression, perhaps this wasn’t the right time to divulge my true feelings. But if it’s the last time I ever get to talk with her, I’m not giving up without a fight.
Ainsley looks like she’s about to bolt. Her wide-eyed incredulous stare bores through me before she turns her head to look down at my grandfather, who hasn’t moved a bit. I hadn’t even considered that he may be able to hear all of this, but I don’t really care. My honesty is liberating.
“You love me? Are you freaking serious right now?”
Oh boy, the venom in her tone is pretty clear. She’s going in with the upper cut. “You’ve just kept this huge secret from me – for months - and that’s how you show you’re in love with me? And what about the reason you’ve been visiting your grandfather? That was all court mandated? Does he even know that?”
Well fuck me up a river. I hadn’t thought about how gramps would feel when he found out that my visits weren’t of my own volition.
I shake my head, lowering my eyes away from her condemning glare.
“No,” I admit. “I don’t think he knew, unless my mom told him. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy my time with him. My gramps is a great guy and he’s taught me a lot. We weren’t close up until recently. Before my parents divorced, we didn’t spend much time with gramps because my father didn’t like him. He didn’t get invited over for holidays or anything, so I didn’t see him much. But now that things have changed, I do want to spend time with him. Court ordered or not.”
“Well, good for you, Cade Griffin. So glad you’ve finally grown a heart. You should be given a pat on the back and an award for best grandson. How charitable of you.” Her words are icy cold, harsh and stinging.
Ainsley stands again to go, but this time I don’t protest. She’s dressed in bright blue scrubs today, and her eyes, although hard, are the deepest blue. Midnight almost. She bends down to grab the handle on her purse and slings it over her shoulder. Moving over my grandfather’s form, she places a soft kiss on his cheek and whispers something in his ear. His face remains impassive and unresponsive.
As she turns and steps around me, I notice a wet teardrop on the end of her thick, ink lashes. Everything in me wants to jump up and hug her. To plead her to stay. To tell me she loves me too and she’ll forgive me.
But I know she’d refuse. Instead, I stand and watch her walk out the door. Taking my heart with her.
Just as she hits the bright florescent hallway, Ainsley turns back to me with a sad smile across her mouth.
“I’d appreciate it if you moved your required visitations to a day I’m not on duty. I think that would be best for all of us. Good-bye, Cade.”
“Ainsley, wait…” I choke out, but she stops me with her hand in the air.
“I mean it, Cade. Please don’t make this harder than it already is, okay? Just leave me alone.”
And with that she walks away, leaving my heart trampled on and lifeless on the germ-infested hospital floor.
19
Ainsley
Keeping myself busy and distracted over the last few weeks has been easier than I thought it would be. There’s was only one problem. Cade is everywhere.
Not necessarily in person, but avoiding any mention of Cade around campus or in conversations with Simon, has been more than a little troublesome.
Everywhere I go there are reminders of Cade. Anywhere I turn on campus, there’s something posted about the upcoming Midnight Madness event. Posters of the team, including Cade’s ridiculously gorgeous mug, hung all over the walls and walkways of the campus. It’s incredibly annoying. Why couldn’t he be just a normal ex?
Mica has been a true friend for me during this entire breakup. She’s listened calmly to my angered outbursts and gripes, nodding her head in solidarity and friendship. We’ve just spent the last two hours in the library working on our thesis for our mid-term papers that are due soon. As this is my first fall season in Phoenix, I’m still getting used to wearing shorts, T-shirts and sandals in autumn. It’s counter-intuitive to the natural seasonal order of things.
We’re packing up our books and getting ready to head home when Mica brings up the subject I’ve been avoiding since I ended things with Cade.
“Have you decided whether you’re going to bring Mr. Forsberg to the Midnight Madness practice this Friday?”
Whether it’s been self-preservation or just stubbornness on my part, I’ve not mentioned that topic with Mica since the invitation well over two weeks ago. Mica’s dropped hints here and there, because I think she finds the prospect kind of exciting. Just like me, she doesn’t get out much due to her family and work obligations. While our lives are very different, we do share a lot of the same familial commonalities. Her heart has been set on getting out and living a little, this event being a perfect opportunity to do that.
And I know without a doubt that Simon wants to go more than anything. Although he hasn’t mentioned anything about my relationship with Cade, he has not so subtly been dropping hints about this Friday’s practice and how excited he is to watch his grandson play. Nothing like a little passive-aggressive guilt-trip to put the pressure on. Thanks, Simon.
Since his stint in the hospital, the infection in his lungs taking him out of commission, he’s been slowly recovering back at Ethel’s. His rehabilitation is pretty admirable for a man his age. He’s been testy and a little surly, which isn’t unusual for someone in his condition. The only thing that seems to brighten his mood is talk about watching Cade play ball.
Dammit, he knows how to get his way.
It’s not uncommon, as an aspect of my job at Ethel’s, that I am asked to escort our patients outside the home – to doctor appointments, movies, social events, etc. If they were willing and able, I’m normally happy to help them get there. Unfortunately, in this instance, it pains me that I have to play chauffer for this particular event.
Truth be told, while I’m still mad at Cade for not confiding in me and trusting me with the truth, it upset me more that he pulled the wool over Simon’s eyes. Cade’s weekly visits clearly made Simon happy, so I’m sure learning that Cade’s visits were a part of his probation detracted a little from that excitement. Or maybe it didn’t, because Simon still made sure to share all the details with me about what he and Cade did during their recent visits. Possibly to make me jealous.
Lifting the heavy bag over my shoulder as we walk together across the quad, I glance over at Mica wearing her oversized sunglasses and consider her question. She’s so tiny and cute, she could totally pass for Ariana Grande’s doppelgänger.
“I don’t think I have much choice in the matter,” I huff, stopping for a second so I can pull my hair up into a bun and out of my face. “I’m working with Glenna on Friday and she doesn’t drive at night, so I’m stuck driving the van for Simon.”
Mica nods her head and considers. “Do you still want me to come along? I don’t have to wat
ch the hermanos on Friday night because my mother will be home. I don’t have anything better to do. And there is no way I’ll let Alberto find out I have no plans.”
She cringes, as if creeped out by the mere thought, and I let out a laugh. She’s told me about this distant cousin of hers, through marriage, that her father has been trying to set her up with for the past year. I guess Alberto is quite a bit older, in his early thirties, owns the auto body shop where her father and brother work, and smokes cigars that make her gag from the smell. I feel bad for Mica and her family situation. As the oldest child in her family of six, she’s expected to do what she’s told. She’s shared with me that she had to fight her father tooth and nail to go to college. Even though she earned a full-ride, her father would have rather she just be a ‘good little Mexican daughter and marry and produce grandchildren’.
Thank God Mica found her voice and stood up for what she wanted. Her intelligence and dedication will make her a great nurse. I can’t wait to see her at work during our clinical internships.
Stepping into her, I wrap my arms around her small frame in a friendly hug. “I’d love for you to come with me! You’ll really like Mr. Forsberg. He’s so sweet. And you can keep me company during the boring game. I mean, really…it’s not even an actual basketball game. It’s just practice.”
I try to feign disinterest, but she sees through me with her watchful brown eyes that appear too big for her face.
“Do you think we’ll get to meet some of the players?” She asks in a shy, angelic voice, her maple-syrup eyes gleaming in the sunshine.
Tilting my head, I examine her expression. Hmm. Interesting. I think she might be crushing on someone.
“Mica,” I say, curious now. “Is there a particular player you want to meet?”
She shuffles her feet, kicking at a non-existent obstruction on the walkway.