Don't Break This Kiss (Top Shelf Romance Book 5)

by Jessica Hawkins

  He stared at my mouth and smiled. “You say that like it’s an event.”

  We both started to laugh, and it was needed since there had been only seriousness this morning.

  “I just mean, it’ll be fun when I can really join you,” I clarified.

  Food was going down my throat, and it all tasted delicious. Those were vast improvements, but I still wasn’t there yet, and his face told me he knew it too.

  “I think it’s tied to flying.”

  I nodded. “I think you’re right.”

  His other hand went to my face, and he turned me toward him a little more. “Then, come flying with me. It will fix all of this.”

  My heart slammed into my chest. My hands tingled.

  As I looked him in the eyes, I wanted so badly to give him the answer he wanted to hear.

  But I couldn’t.

  I wasn’t ready.

  He leaned forward and put his lips on my forehead. “It’s okay. I know.” He stayed like that for several seconds until he added, “Billie, I have to go to work.”

  I had known his departure was coming. He was already dressed, his phone in his pocket, the sound of it going off almost nonstop.

  “Thank you for breakfast … and for last night.”

  He pulled back after he exhaled over my face, and his eyes almost took my breath away. They were haunted, so painfully intense. And as his struggle, I was the reason for it.

  “You’re welcome,” I whispered, and then I got off the stool. “I’ll walk you out.”

  A sadness seeped into my chest as I moved through the kitchen toward the front of my apartment. When I got to the door, I held it open, and he stopped in front of me. His hands went to my waist, and he kissed me. It only took the smallest touch of his lips to reheat the passion that had pulsed between us last night.

  “Billie …” he said softly, backing away. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  And then he was gone.

  Honey

  Fall 1986

  “The anticipation is literally killing me,” Honey said to Andrew as they sat on the end of their bed.

  Andrew’s arms had been circled around his wife since she took a seat a few moments ago. The thought of what was waiting for her in the bathroom was so overwhelming. If he didn’t hold her, she would start pacing.

  Because …

  She was late.

  When she hadn’t gotten her period, she hadn’t told him immediately. With all the letdowns that happened to her every month, she was positive it would show up any minute. But when more time had passed, she’d decided she couldn’t put it off any longer, and he’d brought home a test this morning.

  Now, it was processing on their bathroom counter.

  “Whatever the result is,” he said, “we’re going to be fine with it.”

  Honey looked at her husband. She hadn’t wanted to take the test in the first place. She was terrified of what the result would be. Because, for the last fourteen months, her period had shown up. And Honey had a feeling if she didn’t get pregnant soon, there was definitely something wrong with her.

  He was looking for a reply, and she couldn’t give him one. At least, not one he would want to hear. So, she tucked her knees to her chest and circled her arms around them, and then she rocked along the edge of the bed.

  “Honey …”

  “Andrew, I can’t.” She looked at him even though it hurt. “I want to tell you a negative result won’t crush me, but I just can’t promise that.”

  He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pressed his lips to the top of her head, holding them there while she moved back and forth.

  Over the last several months, she’d tried not to let this consume her, but it was getting harder every day. Each time they had sex, Honey hoped it would make a baby, and that was starting to be the only reason she wanted to be intimate with her husband. Once she realized their efforts were for nothing, the dread would fill her again, a level of disappointment that was beginning to own her.

  “We’ll figure this out,” he whispered as he held her. His lips were still in her hair, both arms on her now. “I promise you, baby, you have nothing to worry about.”

  Honey was silently counting the seconds, focusing on the numbers, ticking them off in her mind. With each one that passed, her chest tightened more. Her hands began to tremble. A churning started in her stomach, and it felt so strong that she had to put her hand on it, hoping the pressure would calm it.

  “It’s time,” Andrew said.

  Honey had been concentrating so hard on the numbers that she’d forgotten exactly what she was even counting for.

  But it was for this—the result.

  Except she couldn’t move. She couldn’t get off the bed. She couldn’t walk into the bathroom and see the result of something that was so far out of her control even if it was taking place in her own body.

  “You go,” she said, trying to take a breath and not finding enough air. “Please … I can’t.”

  He pushed down harder with his lips, this time really kissing her head. She felt him breathe her in, and he exhaled over her. He was giving her all the love he had and she really needed it, especially since he was pushing himself off the bed and going into the bathroom. Within a few steps, he was already inside. Honey had left the test on the counter by the sink. In the time that passed, she knew he was already there.

  And that he was reading the result.

  And that he knew whether they were pregnant.

  She felt sick and tucked herself into an even tighter ball, rocking her feet over the ledge of the mattress. “Please,” Honey prayed quietly. “Please, please, please.”

  As she swayed, she heard nothing from inside the bathroom. Silence wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted celebrating, shouting, an expression of joy at the very least.

  Silence meant exactly what she’d feared.

  Nausea was taking over her stomach. The eggs and coffee Andrew had made were threatening to come up.

  She had known taking the test was a bad idea. She should have done it on her lunch break or gone to the doctor and waited through it alone. Because it was one thing to handle the disappointment, but the thought of seeing it on his face would be too much for Honey to bear.

  She would never do this to him again.

  Just when she didn’t think she could take another second of the silence, he appeared in the doorway. “It wasn’t fully processed yet.” He glanced down at the test he was holding in his hand and back up at her. “But it is now.”

  “Andrew …”

  “Baby, we’re pregnant.” He held the test up for Honey to see.

  She felt her mouth open, but nothing came out of it. She was in too much shock. She hadn’t expected this result. She had been positive she knew what the outcome was going to be, and this certainly wasn’t it. That had meant another month of trying, another disappointment waiting at the end of it.

  But that wasn’t the case, and she didn’t know what to do with herself.

  “Pregnant?” she whispered when he knelt in front of her, his hands gripping her knees. “You mean, we’re really going to have a baby?”

  He nodded, and she immediately fell into his arms. He lifted her into the air, and she wrapped her body around him, a contentment filling her like it had on her wedding day.

  “Andrew,” she said so softly, pulling out of his neck so she could look at him. “I’m finally going to be a mother.”

  He nodded.

  And that morning, they both cried.

  Jared

  It didn’t matter that I’d left Billie’s apartment and showered and brushed my teeth because I could still smell her as I walked into work that morning. The effect it had on me was more than I was willing to admit to myself, and that scared the hell out of me.

  Billie Paige wasn’t a scent I should have ever inhaled in the first place. But now that I’d had her, I couldn’t get enough. I wanted to be with her again tonight and tomorrow morning and every day after. A
nd just as I was running my hand underneath my nose, getting the faintest whiff of her again, my phone vibrated from an incoming call.

  I reached into my pocket and saw my friend’s name on the screen. “Marcus.” I quickly calculated the time in San Francisco and assumed he hadn’t yet gone to bed. “I’m beginning to worry you never sleep.”

  “You know what it’s like, being a new business owner. There’s no time for that. All I do is worry like hell and work like a dog.”

  I laughed. “It’s not any different when you’re an old business owner either.” I nodded at one of the security guards as I passed him in the hall and closed my office door behind me. “How are things going?”

  “That’s the reason I’m calling.”

  I took a seat at my desk, entering the passwords my computer required to enable email to come through. Once it loaded, I pulled up the one Billie had sent yesterday morning, hours before I’d gone to her place.

  To: Marcus Campanella

  Subject: Basil’s—Ad Results

  Hi Marcus,

  It’s now been a full week since the launch of your thirty-second ad on my social media channels, so I just wanted to reach out and provide a detailed report of the data and activity the ad had generated. In our last email exchange, when we had discussed your goals, you were specific in the audience you were aiming to reach. Well, I’m extremely happy to report that we’ve not only reached those numbers, but we have also far exceeded them, as you’ll see in the attached spreadsheet.

  Since the ad will live indefinitely on all of my channels, I will continue to provide detailed reports, so you can see how it produces over time. The next spreadsheet I’ll be sending will come at the thirty-day mark and then quarterly from there on out.

  I can’t thank you enough for being so patient and understanding with me as I find my footing again in this industry. I know this isn’t exactly what you had in mind when you solicited my services, but I want you to know that I truly appreciate you taking the chance on me, and I hope you’re satisfied with the launch of your campaign.

  One day, I intend to make my way to the West Coast and visit Basil’s rather than just admire it through the sinful pictures you sent. When I’m able to accomplish that dream, I’ll be sure to get in touch.

  Noodles and Toodles,

  Billie Paige

  “Oh, yeah?” I said into the phone, pulling my eyes away from her email and turning in my chair to face the wall of windows behind me.

  I stood just as he said, “The fucking phone has not stopped ringing.”

  I smiled, gently pounding the glass pane with my fist. “This news couldn’t make me happier, my friend. We’ve accomplished everything we intended.”

  “You know … when you told me you were going to hire some online reviewer to come eat at my place, I didn’t have high expectations. I certainly didn’t believe it would get me six solid months of reservations, but that’s what has happened.”

  I shook my head in amazement. “Jesus Christ, Marcus.” I pressed my shoulder against the glass, looking down at the street below. “This is so well deserved—all of it. You’ve worked so goddamn hard to get here.”

  “My family thanks you, Jared. This is going to change our lives.”

  “I’d do anything for you and Charlene and the kids.” I glanced back at my computer, seeing the email Billie had sent. “I have some data on how well the campaign is performing. A spreadsheet that breaks down each channel and the click-through rates. I’ll forward it to you once we get off the phone.”

  “Sounds good.” I heard him take a drink and swallow. “When are you coming to the West Coast?”

  “You know I can never stay away for too long.” I returned to my chair, placed the call on speaker mode, and set the phone on my desk.

  “Next time you’re in town, we’re having dinner at the restaurant,” he said. “I want you to taste some of the new dishes I’ve been experimenting with. I need someone with an honest palate, like yourself.”

  “I’d be honored.” I glanced at my cell when I heard a text come through. It didn’t appear on the dark screen, so I said, “Listen, buddy, I’ve got to run. I’ll be in touch when I know my schedule.”

  He said good-bye, and we hung up, my phone instantly switching to the Home screen where I clicked on my texts.

  When I saw Billie’s name, everything in my goddamn body started to jump.

  Billie: Thanks again for last night. You’re amazing, Jared.

  I left my phone on the desk, and I walked out of my office.

  Honey

  Fall 1986

  Since the large medical building was only a few blocks from Honey and Andrew’s condo, they decided to walk, holding hands the entire way to their appointment. Once they arrived at the front entrance, Andrew escorted his wife to the fourth floor where Dr. Katz’s office was located, the leading OB/GYN in Portland. After they entered, they gave their name to the receptionist, and she handed Honey a clipboard, telling her to fill out each sheet in its entirety.

  After Honey had gone to the lab for bloodwork yesterday, she hadn’t been able to sleep all night, tossing and turning from the thought of what was going to happen today. She hadn’t even closed her eyes, too afraid of what she might dream. Since the at-home tests were known to report false positives, she wouldn’t believe she was pregnant until her doctor confirmed it.

  But the unknown came with the worst mental churning she’d ever felt.

  While Honey waited for their name to be called, she filled out all the paperwork, describing her painful fourteen-month history in detail. She was surprised by how much she had written. How many times she’d gotten excited over being a few days late for her period. How her entire life had revolved around trying to get pregnant.

  When she finished the last question and returned the clipboard, she put her hand over her stomach during the walk back to her seat. She even kept it there while her other fingers clung to Andrew’s, and she glanced around the waiting room. They shared the space with two other women who Honey suspected were a few years older than her and at much further stages of their pregnancy. One had a toddler with her.

  Honey wondered if there would be a day when she returned to this office with a child at her side, another growing in her belly. But that thought came with so many questions. Will it take her as long to get pregnant the second time? Can she mentally go through it again? Because there was a strong chance that she wasn’t even pregnant now.

  She took her hand off her stomach, and since she was already holding her husband, she gripped the bottom of the chair.

  Fortunately, they didn’t have to wait long. Not even twenty minutes later, Honey was dressed in a cotton gown, lying on the exam table while Andrew sat at her side. From the minute Dr. Katz came into the room, she began asking questions, and all of them Honey answered.

  Now that they were discussing the timeline of events, Andrew was the one talking. Honey listened as her husband described their history of trying to get pregnant. It was accurate, even down to the dates and how they had tracked when she was ovulating and the few times she had been several days late, but then blood came.

  What Andrew didn’t tell Dr. Katz were the moments Honey had experienced in the bathroom. When she looked down and saw red on the inside of her panties.

  What that felt like.

  How badly those tears stung her cheeks.

  How she tucked herself into the tightest ball and rocked over the tiled floor, asking her body why it was failing her, why it couldn’t give her what she wanted.

  Andrew wouldn’t know about those times. He had been at work when they happened because Honey just couldn’t share that part with him.

  “I think I have everything I need for now,” Dr. Katz said as she rose from the stool, placing Honey’s chart on the counter. She walked over to the table, rubbing her hands together as though she was trying to warm them. “I’m just going to feel around your stomach, and then we’ll do the ultrasound.”

&
nbsp; Even though she’d put her hair up after it felt too suffocating to leave it down, sweat formed on the back of Honey’s neck.

  “Just breathe normally,” Dr. Katz told her as she gently pressed different spots on Honey’s abdomen. Her fingers moved in a circular motion before she slid a few inches and repeated the action. “Honey, please take a breath.”

  The reminder made Honey realize she was holding her air in, not letting any of it go.

  “Good,” Dr. Katz praised when Honey exhaled. “Do you feel any pain here?”

  Honey shook her head, not trusting her voice.

  “How about here?” When Honey gave her the same response, Dr. Katz said, “Everything looks excellent so far.”

  She went over to the counter and took a pair of gloves out of the box. Then, she moved over to the ultrasound machine.

  Andrew was still holding Honey’s hand, but he squeezed it, gaining her attention. “Are you all right?”

  She nodded, her eyes returning to Dr. Katz, her mind focused on the sweat that was now covering her body and the sensations she was feeling in her stomach that she knew were just nerves.

  “No matter what, everything is going to be fine.” He brushed a bang out of her eye, leaving his hand on her forehead. “Don’t forget that, baby.”

  He had told her the same thing when she woke up this morning and right before they left their condo for the appointment.

  Honey hadn’t responded any of the times.

  She couldn’t.

  And she couldn’t now either.

  “This is going to feel cold,” Dr. Katz said as she squirted jelly on Honey’s belly.

  “Breathe,” Andrew whispered in her ear as she felt the device in the doctor’s hand move across her tummy.

  She followed her husband’s instruction, and she concentrated on the screen next to them. She had no idea what she should be looking for, but she hoped to see movement. A beat, pulse, flicker—anything that resembled life.