OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3)

by Ashley Claudy

  Marriage.

  It struck like lightning. Shocking me to forgetting the rest of what I was going to say. We were married. Grief tore through me, taking all strength from my legs, and I sunk to the ground. All control gone.

  He was off the couch, next to me, reaching for me. “I’m not—”

  I lifted my hand to keep him back. “I meant everything I said, Gage. I wanted forever with you. This past year”— I searched the air for the words, swallowing the sadness thickening my throat—“was everything. Why would you throw that away? Unless, was it not real for you?” There was no anger left in me. I was drained and exposed. So I laid it out, wanting only honesty, wanting to understand. “Or is there someone else who means more?” My heart squeezed painfully with the question.

  His eyes dropped over me, deep lines ridging his forehead as he shook his head. “Babe, No. There will never be anyone who means more.” He scooted a little closer to me, tentatively reaching for me. “You are everything to me.”

  His warm hand slid to my face, thumb brushing my tears and I couldn’t find the strength to push him away even as he shredded the last bit of my heart with his words. “But I can’t be who you need right now. Maybe not ever.”

  “Why?” I took a breath and pressed, “Why are you doing this? What is it that’s so bad? Everything we’ve been through to get here. Why are you pushing me away? Do you not remember what it was like when we were apart? What could be worth that again?” I grabbed his hand from my face, holding it in my own, thumb running over the smooth, warm band around his finger—our promise to each other. I clung to it, to him, fear gripping me with the memory of the past.

  “I remember.” He closed his eyes and exhaled. When they opened, the new resolve shinning in them scared me, anchoring me in place. “And I’d keep you from all that. I don’t want you hurt.”

  Yanking my hand away, I pressed it to my chest and sat up straight. “You’re hurting me. You’re throwing me right back into that pain. But it’ll be worse this time because now I know what I’ve lost.” My head was swirling. I could pass out. “We made promises to each other, to be together through everything. That was only months ago. What has changed?”

  “I have.” He stood up, and the sudden shift made me fall back to look up at him. His throat moved as he looked around the living room, avoiding me. “It has to be this way. I’ll leave now, give you time to pack.”

  And just like that he pulled his emotions back in, sealed them up, and walked away, each step grinding on my heart. He walked to the bedroom, but I was stuck on the floor, too stunned to move. I hadn’t thought it would come to this, us splitting up. Not even when he left Vegas. I hadn’t thought this would be possible.

  And I still didn’t know why.

  All thought ceased. I rose to my feet and followed him to the bedroom, a woman possessed. My steps were quiet, I was floating. I stood at the doorway and watched him stand over an open case on the bed, fingers moving over the phone in his hand, and I snapped.

  He looked up as I yanked the phone from him. He hadn’t expected it and released it easily.

  I wanted to read what he was typing, but he was already grabbing my arm to get the phone back, so I threw it. It hit the wall with a thump and then bounced over the floor several times.

  “What the fuck?” He released my arm to step past me and retrieve the phone. Lifting it up, he showed me his shattered screen. “Look what you did?”

  I was back to trembling, but I didn’t care. I shrugged. “I don’t fucking care about your phone! I care about us. Why are you doing this?” I stepped towards him, and with every step he held himself higher, straighter, harder. “You want me to leave? Well until you tell me the truth, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you.”

  He narrowed his eyes, walking past me to his suitcase. “You can’t stop me, Regan.”

  Sprinting, I knocked his suitcase off the bed and kicked his clothes around the room. No sane thoughts emerged from the storm within me.

  “Stop.” He yanked my arm back, pulling me away from the suitcase just as my foot connected with a pile of clothes.

  Rolled up jeans tumbled across the floor. A stack of crisp hundred dollar bills and a brick of coke just as thick as the cash spilled out, tumbling over the floor.

  The air was sucked from the room, freezing us in the moment.

  Gage released my arm, scooping up his money and drugs in an instant. He lifted his suitcase, righting it on the bed, and began tossing his clothes and things back in it.

  “Is that what this is about?” I scoffed, gesturing to his case. It couldn’t be.

  He continued packing, not pausing as I spoke.

  “Are you really not going to tell me anything? You’re going to leave me now, with no explanation? How can you say I meant anything to you and do this?”

  His head bowed over the case as he zipped it up. “I can’t.” Squeezing his eyes shut, he took a few deep breaths, then lifted his case in one hand and turned. “I’ve got to go.”

  “Fine.” I stepped in front of the door, blocking his exit, my spinning emotions firmly settled on anger. “Don’t tell me. But I’m not going back to Dexter’s. I’m going to find my own answers.” I stepped closer to him, close enough to feel the pull he had on me, close enough to touch him, but I didn’t. I tried to burn him with my eyes. “And if I find out you’ve got someone else. I will kill you.”

  “Jesus, do you hear yourself?” he looked down on me with disbelief.

  But I didn’t blink, or flinch. “I do. And I mean every word. You’re just as much mine as I am yours. You said so yourself. We made promises, long before we ever married.” I stepped out of his way, gesturing to the door. “So go now if you must. But know, this isn’t over.”

  He hesitated, readjusting the case in his hands but not taking his eyes off me. “You’re serious? What are you going to do?” his voice was low, unsure.

  I shrugged, not at all sure what I meant to do, but I would get to the bottom of this.

  His phone beeped its ring tone from his pocket, and he finally broke eye contact to retrieve it.

  “Fuck,” he mumbled pressing the shattered screen several times, there was no way he could see who was calling.

  “You’re going to answer that, right now?” I shook my head in disbelief; it cemented how low I was on his priorities. I was the only one fighting for us, and he just made it feel worthless.

  “Hello,” he spoke into the phone, but didn’t move to leave. “Ian, my phone broke so I can’t read my texts. I’ll send my new number tomorrow…Cancel it tonight, something’s come up,” his eyes searched mine as he spoke. “I don’t care. That’s my business…Tell them I’ll arrange something tomorrow.” His head dropped low as he listened, lines deepening on his face. “I don’t give a fuck. She’s your problem, deal with it.” Pulling the phone from his ear, he hit the power button on top, shutting it off.

  I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrow, waiting for him to speak. It seemed there was a message in that conversation for me, but I didn’t dare hope to read into it.

  He set his suitcase down by his feet, mirroring my stance. “What the hell are you planning?”

  “What are you planning? You’re the one that just had a mysterious phone call about problems and meetings.” I replayed the conversation in my head, a realization slapping me in my face. “You just freed up your night for something.” I flicked my eyes to his suitcase. “And it obviously isn’t me. So go. Don’t worry about what I do.” Drained of emotion, I couldn’t stand to continue this pointless argument that wasn’t getting us anywhere. I turned and walked away, out of the room.

  He followed and caught me in the hallway, spinning me by my elbow to face him. “I am worried about what you’re doing, about what you’re planning. I canceled my plans tonight because you’re going crazy, and I don’t want you getting yourself in trouble.”

  “So what? You’re going to stay here an
d babysit me? Fuck you.” And all of a sudden I knew how I could get my answers. “I’m leaving.”

  He gripped my other arm, tightening his hold on me.

  “Let me go.”

  “Not till you tell me where you’re going.”

  “To the club. I’m going to that club, and if Ian won’t fill me in, I’ll find Alessandra. And if she doesn’t give me answers, I’ll find Viktor. And I’ll keep going till I know exactly what you’ve been doing and what’s changed.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Regan. Do you not get that’s exactly what I’m trying to keep you out of? You don’t belong in this mess. Stay away. I’m giving you a way out.” He was shaking me, a current of panic running under his actions and words.

  “I don’t want a way out.” I stiffened in his grip, straining my muscles to stay still. “I want in. I want in your world. I can’t stand being on the outside, away from you.”

  He released me, hands hovering in the air for a moment. Then they ran through his hair, ending their path at the back of his neck. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t let you do that.”

  I stared at him, unflinching and determined. I wasn’t taking back a single word. “Then tell me, what am I saying?”

  “Fuck.” He closed his eyes, breathing through some emotion. “I want you with me too. I don’t want you anywhere else. But I can’t be that selfish.”

  He stepped close, eyes piercing mine sharp and dangerous as he backed me up to the wall. “Babe, what I do, what I’m involved in…” He shook his head, eyes softening as he looked down on me, and his hands grazed my shoulders. “It’s not for you. I can handle it myself, but I can’t handle you in it. I can’t handle you taking the risks or getting hurt.”

  I hated what he was saying, but I closed my eyes, relaxing with his touch and let the care in the words, the warmth in his voice, wash over me.

  “As much as I want you, I want you to have the life you deserve more.” But his hands contradicted his words. They moved over me slowly, a soothing path of heat traveling over my shoulders to my neck as he cupped my head, lips inching towards mine. “But fuck if I can let you go, when you’re fighting to stay.”

  Our lips melded and I wrapped my arms around him, keeping him pressed to me, not wanting to let him go. He dipped lower, mouth dragging to my chin and neck, fueled by an intense desperation. But my heart still laid in pieces around us, and I couldn’t ignore the emptiness where it once was. I didn’t want to fill it with an illusion.

  “Stop.” I turned away from his heated kisses but kept my hands around him, gripping him close. It took a moment for his eyes to clear of lust. Then pain seemed to be the only thing left in them. “What are you saying?” I searched his face; he was just as lost as me. “Don’t kiss me, if you’re saying goodbye.”

  He sighed, dropping his forehead to mine. “Hell, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m sorry. It’s just…” his voice croaked as he pulled back to look at me, tears pooling in his eyes. “You’re so damn stubborn it scares the shit out of me.” He brushed my hair behind my ear with the tips of his fingers as a tear trailed down his cheek. “You are my life, my heart. I love you. I’ve tried to keep you with me by only showing you the parts of me that were worthy of you. But those parts are getting smaller every day, and I feel you slipping. I see you breaking. And I know it’s my fault.” He sucked in air, blinking back tears already leaking from his eyes. “I don’t want you to know this side of me because if I let you in, there’s no out, and I couldn’t live if something happened to you.” He pulled me into his arms, lips brushing my ear as he breathed me in. “Don’t ask me to do this.”

  If…A small flame of hope flickered in me, melting the ice in my core.

  “Don’t ask me to go away. I can’t. I don’t want to be without you.” I gripped his silky hair, pulling his head back to meet my eyes. “I’m only me because of you. But you don’t get to decide what’s best for me—I do that. And I’m willing to risk it all to be with you, but it has to be all of you. No secrets.”

  He collapsed into me with a strangled cry, head pressed into the crook of my neck and shoulder, arms around my waist. “I don’t deserve you. If I wasn’t already doomed to hell, I would be for taking this.”

  There was no humor in his words, and they subdued the relief I felt. The cold crept back in as he pulled away, locking eyes with me.

  “I’m going to give you one more chance to back out, Regan. I’ve got to admit something before you decide. And then, once you know, if you still want this, then I’ll tell you everything.” He lifted his hand, silencing my response. “Hear me out first. This will make a difference.” He pulled back from me, breaking all contact and cracking the surety that I had felt in my decision. “Let’s go sit.”

  He handed me a glass of tea, drinking deeply from his water as he sat on the chair diagonal where I was on the couch.

  “Tell me.” Nerves pricked my skin, a thousand ants crawling over me.

  He dropped his head to his hands with a groan. “I didn’t want you to know. I don’t know how to say it.”

  I held my breath. My mind jumping to the only thing I could imagine making a difference, if he had someone else.

  He looked up at me. “I’ve always loved the way you see me. It’s the only time I feel like I’m not a complete fuck up. But…” He opened his hands, looking at the space between them like something was there, something that could crush us.

  “Just say it,” I demanded with much more assurance than I felt.

  “I’m not the person you think I am. I’m sorry.”

  Holding my breath, I braced for the blow that his next words were sure to deliver.

  “I’m a murderer.”

  9: Into The Dark

  THE WORDS BARELY MADE AN IMPACT. I waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. The silence stretched for a moment before I broke it.

  “That’s it?” I asked tentatively.

  His eyes shot to me. “Did you hear me?”

  I finally released the breath I was holding. Weighted tension escaped with it, bubbling out in light laughter, leaving me floating. I covered my mouth with the palm of my hand, but it was too late, Gage heard.

  He sunk back into the oversized cushion behind him, watching me come undone with wrinkled brows and narrowed eyes.

  “I heard you.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hand pressed to my chest to steady myself. My heart was fluttering, growing wings about to fly away. The sudden change in emotions made me dizzy and on the verge of tears. It was a strange relief flooding me. I opened my eyes, meeting his gaze. “I thought you were going to say you cheated on me, that there was someone else.” I leaned forward to reach him, touch him. The look that flashed on his face, like a warning, stopped me. “There’s not is there?”

  “No. There’s not,” he barked out, running his hand over his head, gripping the back of his neck with frustration. “This is worse. I don’t think you’re listening to what I said. I’ve killed people, Regan. And I’ll have to do it again.”

  I nodded, pressing my lips together as I absorbed his words. I knew it wasn’t a normal reaction, but I was relieved and sure. “We’ve both had to do things we wish we could take back. And I’m not saying this isn’t a big deal, but it’s not going to push me away. Just tell me what’s going on.”

  “I…” He leaned forward in his seat, forearms on his knees, and shook his head. “I don’t think you understand. This isn’t like before, it’s not self-defense. They’ve made me an enforcer. You need to think about this. Before you say you want in, you need to really think about it.” He stopped himself from reaching for me, pain filling his gaze as he pleaded, “I don’t want you waking up tomorrow hating me for trapping you in this.”

  The worry crushing him, weighing on his shoulders, anchored me back into my body. The tears filling his eyes tore at my heart. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t absorb his words, but I moved out of my seat to his large sofa ch
air, wanting only to ease his pain and reassure him.

  I crawled next to him, and he shifted back, giving me room or trying to escape, I don’t know, but I kept moving. There was enough room on the cushion for me to sit beside him with my knees curled under me. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my head to his chest, his typical slow and strong heartbeat was racing.

  “I could never hate you. No matter what. It’s my choice and I choose this. I choose you.”

  His arms crept around me as I spoke, slowly surrounding me. When I finished, he tightened his hold and his head dropped to the top of my hair, chest rising and falling with a heavy sigh.

  “I love you. I don’t come close to deserving you. Fuck if this doesn’t prove it. But…”

  His warm breath fanned over me, heating me from scalp to toes, and I gripped him tighter, silently willing him to give in and choose me, to let me in. He ran his hands down my spine, sending a current through me, to my limbs. When they glided back up, he cupped my head and pulled me off his chest to look at him.

  “This is the last time I’m going to ask. Are you sure you want to know, when knowing puts you in danger and you won’t like what you hear?”

  “Yes—”

  “Shh. Wait,” His eyes were cloudy with emotion, a storm of hurt and guilt that threatened to destroy me. “You didn’t sign up for this when we got married. You could leave now. I’d give you everything we had, every last dime. You’d have enough to live wherever you wanted, and you’d be safe to live your life.”

  “Shut up” I pulled away to stare down at him with determination. “Stop talking. Stop acting like I can’t make this decision, that I don’t know exactly what I’m getting myself into. I do. I’ve been through enough to know, and you know that.”

  He reached for my hand, but I pulled my arm back. It shook as I held it up, vibrating with the force of my emotion.

  “So stop now. Stop telling me to leave. Trust that I know what I’m doing. I want you. I love you. I chose us when you were with Rusnak, and I’m choosing us now, too. But I shouldn’t have to beg to stay with you. So either tell me you want this too or I will leave. Because I do want this, but only if you’re going to talk and include me. I can handle whatever you’ve done, but I can’t handle not knowing, not being included in your life. So you decide now because I made it clear where I stand.”