OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3)

by Ashley Claudy

  “You’ve been through a lot. More than anyone should.” He bowed his head and then looked back up. “But we made it through worse, we can get through this.”

  “Worse? No. This is the worst.” I wanted to yell. I tried to yell, but the air stung in my chest and it came out in broken sobs.

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” His arm came around me. “I just meant, together we can do this. We need each other. Please baby, I need you too. I’m hurting too.”

  “Get out.” I pulled away from him. “Leave me alone. I can’t be around you.” I pushed on him, and he hopped up, out of my reach.

  “Calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself.” He patted the air, trying to calm me from a safe distance.

  “I don’t care. I just want you gone.” Every time I looked at him, I experienced the loss all over again. And I knew it wasn’t really his fault. It was mine. It was what I let myself become when I was with him.

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “Listen to me. You being here hurts me. I can’t take it. Get out. Please. Please.” I covered my face with my hands, sobbing. Painful ragged breaths tore me apart. I let my despair come to the surface. I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone,

  And at some point when I looked up, I was alone.

  30: Gone Too Far

  GAGE MUST NOT HAVE GONE TOO FAR. When the cops showed up the next morning, he led them in, and he stayed as they questioned me. His presence weighed on me more than theirs.

  “Mr. Salvador Alyak cut the wheel to the left to avoid a car that stopped in front of you?”

  I nodded as the officer reviewed what I told them.

  “He lost control of the car, but it stopped on the sidewalk, and that’s when the truck hit into the side of you?”

  I nodded, staring at the blankets covering my legs, fighting to keep my mind blank, to keep my heart empty, to not feel anything.

  “And you don’t remember anything else?” The second officer pressed in a way that made me look up at his eagerness.

  “No.” But my heart started banging in my chest as his words skimmed at a thought in my mind. “I woke up in the hospital after that.”

  My eyes cut to Gage as he leaned forward in his seat, fingers steepled in front of his mouth. I had woken up relieved to see him, now he was at the center of my pain.

  The cops traded glances. The first one nodded, giving permission to the other, and my skin tingled.

  “When the ambulance got there, you were on the road and the car door was open. You don’t remember how you got out of the car?”

  “I—” I shook my head, searching my memory of that night. I hadn’t remembered, but it hit me and I felt the impact like that man’s boot. “No.”

  “You don’t remember if anyone else was there or if you got out yourself?”

  “No, I don’t know how I got out.”

  Gage rose from his chair, stepping to the side of my bed. “She might have been in shock.”

  “Could be.” The shorter officer nodded. “We’re only trying to get any information that could lead to finding who was responsible for this hit and run. If someone else was there—”

  “Well she doesn’t remember. Have you identified the types of vehicles yet?”

  “The tire marks and bumper at the accident was from a Ford Super Duty Truck. But we have to look into the car that stopped originally.” He slipped a card out of his leather notebook he was writing in. “Here’s our information.” He handed it to Gage, not me. “Please call us if you remember anything else.”

  Gage shook their hands and they nodded to me as the exited the room. He followed them into the hallway, and I slipped into my thoughts. My body ached and burned despite the pain medicine that had been working moments before.

  It wasn’t the man that scared me, it wasn’t even his actions—although they were bad enough—it was his message that shook me.

  “No one interferes with Shadow. Remember that.”

  The memory of his words was an electric shock, a current that kept stinging as his voice replayed in my mind, scarring deep into my memory. I could never forget now.

  Gage stepped through the door, eyes on me as he closed it behind him.

  “What are you hiding?” He didn’t waste anytime getting to the question, asking it even before he reached the side of my bed. “What else happened? Was someone else there?”

  My mouth kept opening to speak, but no words came out.

  “You need to tell me.” He reached for my hand, but I pulled my fingers back and wrapped them with my other hand on my lap.

  “They were looking for someone,” I whispered the truth that was starting to settle on me.

  Gage’s fingers curled as he slipped his hand off the bed. “Who?”

  “I think they were looking for you.” I looked up to meet his eyes and saw realization cross his face. The worst part was he didn’t seem that surprised. Maybe he was covering it, but more than likely it was probably just another one of his secrets.

  “Tell me. What happened?” He looked like a stone statue, and I hated his calm.

  “They dragged me out of the car and kicked me when they realized I wasn’t you.” I tried to crack him, but he only looked stronger, bigger, as he stood up taller.

  “Who?”

  I couldn’t look at him, not at the lines of his jaw as his anger took over, not at the way he postured himself like he was in control. I had seen the steel in his eyes, and I hated that he thought there was something he could do.

  Shaking my head, I looked out the window of the room, snow flurries floating past the lines of buildings and grey-white sky beyond. “I don’t know.”

  “How do you know they were there for me?” He took a step closer to the head of the bed, closer to me.

  “The one that grabbed me, he told the other that ‘he’s not here.’ and then he said he’d leave a message, ‘no one messes with Shadow.’” Again, I wanted to see a reaction, some sort of surprise at my words, but there wasn’t, he was already moving ahead.

  “What did they look like? There were two of them, you said?”

  “I don’t know.” I couldn’t even help, because I hadn’t seen the faces. “One was wearing grey timberlands. I heard two voices, but I don’t know.” I kept failing, falling short when it mattered.

  His palm slid over the top of my head, down my hair. “It’s okay. I’ll figure it out.”

  I shifted away, making his hand drop. “No. It’s not okay.”

  “You’re right,” his voice was soft, and I looked up to meet his eyes but realized I was mistaken. Nothing about him was soft, his voice was only low, an icy wind, “It’s not. And they’ll fucking pay for what they did.”

  He walked out then, and I didn’t even try to stop him.

  ***

  Gage kept coming back to the hospital, but I kept ignoring him and he didn’t push. I wanted to question what he was doing, but didn’t have the energy to hear it. I didn’t want to take on anymore. I didn’t want to think about any of it, but as the day came to be discharged, I knew I had to face it all. I couldn’t keep hiding behind these walls.

  Except, I jumped at the chance to hide in a different way. When Gage mentioned Vegas and staying with Dexter and Leona, I agreed to it. We went straight from the hospital to the airport to their home.

  I slid on sweatpants after my first shower out. My body was sore and breath was short, even if the doctors assured me my lungs were healed. Time, they said, I just needed time and I should be fine.

  But they didn’t know. They didn’t know what time with this man waiting in the living room could do. But I did. I needed to make a plan to change things. But my plan stopped at Vegas. I was stuck in the moment because in order to go beyond the moment, I’d have to acknowledge the past. I wasn’t ready, but that never mattered.

  “…you’re sure?” Dexter was speaking low, but I heard him as I stepped through the kitchen.

 
“Yeah, I wouldn’t leave if I thought—” Gage stopped as he noticed me walk into the living room.

  “Thought what? Finish.” I waved him on and took my time lowering into the reclining chair.

  “Do you need a pillow or something?” Dexter asked on the edge of his seat, ready to jump.

  I shook my head, still eyeing Gage, challenging him to admit to more secrets.

  “I wouldn’t leave if I thought you wouldn’t be safe here.”

  I didn’t believe his words, and the idea of putting little Felix in danger had me spinning. “You don’t know that. Dexter, he doesn’t know that. I can go to a hotel or something.”

  “No.” Gage stood up, cutting me off. “I’m not leaving you alone. You’ll come back with me if you won’t stay here.”

  “It’s fine Rea, you can stay here.” Dexter rose to his feet and stood in between us, facing me. “Stay here, okay?” His concern was genuine and broke my heart.

  I didn’t want to repay good intentions with destruction, but what else could happen when this fire was still out of control. I looked past him to Gage. I wouldn’t go with him, I couldn’t. So I nodded to Dexter, accepting his offer for now.

  “Okay,” Dexter breathed.

  “Give me a minute with her,” Gage asked from behind him.

  They had a conversation with their eyes I couldn’t even begin to understand, but it was brief and ended with Dexter walking up the stairs.

  “Don’t you have to leave soon?” I asked, wanting it to be now.

  “I do.” He stepped in front of my chair. “But I’ll be back next weekend to see you.”

  To check on me.

  I stared at the blank T.V. screen, not sure how to feel. I don’t think I could feel anymore. The past couple of weeks had been a poison to my emotions, killing them.

  He sunk down on his toes in front of me, grabbing my legs. “Baby, I don’t want to leave you. I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to.”

  But he always thought he had to.

  I looked back to him. “Just go.”

  He dropped his head for a moment, sucking in breath. “I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. Please, just let me in a little bit.”

  No he wouldn’t. He’d tell me enough to make me think he was opening up, but it wouldn’t change, and I didn’t want to continue this game of lies. I didn’t want him opening up because I wasn’t willing to open for him anymore. I couldn’t.

  “I don’t want to know anymore.” I only spoke because he was waiting on me to speak, and I had to if I wanted him to leave.

  I could almost feel the uncertainty in his eyes as they bounced over my features, trying to read me.

  “You need more time.” He was speaking to himself now as he rose to his feet. Lying to himself, it shouldn’t have surprised me. He leaned in close, lips touching my forehead, warm breath over my skin.

  “I love you,” his words blew away the dust of my heart, all that was left.

  My hand moved to his shirt, touching the fabric, but not him. I stopped myself from pressing for more; I stopped myself from reaching for his warmth, for him.

  “Please, tell me you love me.” He dropped his forehead to mine, lips brushing my cheek.

  I couldn’t. I didn’t want to give strength to that part of me. He was already dangerously close to it.

  His lips slid to mine, skimming over them, waiting for me to react. He moved them slow and soft and steady, never pressing, but cracking me.

  “Please, Regan, I love you.” I wanted to melt into his soft words, but knew they were only pretend comfort and only offered a moment of escape. I needed a lifetime.

  I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent one last time. I kissed his lips back, just as soft as his, like we were already ghosts.

  “I will always love you,” I admitted, unable to keep that truth in. The one part of me I wanted to kill, was the one part that survived when everything else died.

  He pulled back, but it was clear my words didn’t ease him. If anything, he looked more concerned than ever. And he should.

  He nodded, clear eyes trailing over my face as I did the same with him—Rememorizing the familiar.

  “I’ll be back this weekend.” He pressed his lips to mine one last time before rising to his feet and leaving.

  ***

  “Come on, Rea. Get up. You’re going to the gym with me.” Dexter turned off the T.V. and stretched as he rose to his feet.

  “I can’t. You can go, I’m fine.”

  He shook his head. “Nope. The doctor said you can get out. Maybe you can’t work out, but you can help me. And you need out of this house. I need out of this house.”

  He had been staying with me. Since his school was on break, we’d spent the days at home. Leona and Felix were usually here too, but she took him out shopping with friends, preparing for Christmas.

  Being around Felix was the sweetest pain, a type of torture and redemption. The only thing that got me out of bed in the mornings.

  “You can go, Dexter. You don’t need to stay with me.” I knew what he was doing, following orders.

  “Come on, Rea, snap out of it.” Dexter tossed my jacket at me. “Things went bad, I know. But you’ve got to get yourself up and move on. Where’s that kickass girl that never gave up, that fought for what she wanted? You’ve never been one to just give up, and you’re not going to do it now.” He shrugged into his jacket. “Now, get up. I’m either taking you to the gym or a shrink. Which is it?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “That’s it. Get angry, but get that jacket on too. Now come on.”

  ***

  I cracked open a water bottle and drank. I had walked on the treadmill and was already winded. It only reminded me of everything I’d lost. Dexter didn’t even know the half of it. He didn’t know there had been a baby. He didn’t know the resentment burning in me as I watched these people moving and laughing from one station to the next.

  He was geared up with another guy, wrestling or something on the mat.

  I couldn’t stand the smell in the place, the sweaty bodies all doing things I use to be able to do with ease. Nothing would ever be the same. I knew that now with certainty.

  Walking to the front of the gym, I didn’t know what my intentions were. I wasn’t thinking, but before I knew it, I was sliding into a cab that pulled up. Maybe I had called him over.

  “To the greyhound station,” I heard myself requesting, like it wasn’t me.

  I hadn’t realized I had a plan. I hadn’t even admitted to myself that I had been thinking of doing this. But I knew I wouldn’t change it now. I needed to get cash off my atm card, and then I’d ditch it. It wouldn’t last me long, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want that blood money anyways. I didn’t have a clue where I’d go, but I’d do whatever I wanted.

  Once I arrived at the train station, I texted Dexter.

  I’m sorry. It has to be this way. Thank you for everything.

  And then I tossed the phone in the trash and went to the ticket counter.

  31: Ready Set

  “READY, SET…”

  I knew she’d stretch it out, but my finger gripped the trigger just waiting on it.

  “Go.”

  I hit the first target posted on the tree and walked forward as the swamp floor suctioned around my boots. I barely had to aim to hit the cans lined up on the branch to my right. The small flags took more focus, but they tore with each shot. I never slowed my pace as I kept count in my head. The gun only had eight shots, when that last one fired, I pulled the other from my holster.

  Aiming with one hand, I was rewarded with a pinging sound as the bullet hit the hubcaps laid on the ground, and then I was at the end of the course, but the bottle shattered a breath before I took my shot.

  “Fuck.” I dropped my arm and turned to see Blake clearing his gun.

  “Lost again, girly.” A dark stream of tobacco spit flew from his mouth to the mu
ddy ground.

  “But I was close this time.”

  He shook his head, turning back to the start of the course. “Not that close,” he called over his shoulder. His shaggy hair swung with his stiff walk, his prosthetic leg not bending under him.

  I glanced back over his side of the course till I saw Breezy at the start, sitting in a lawn chair with her camera aimed at the sky. “I was quick this time, right?”

  She shrugged. “Don’t know, wasn’t paying attention.”

  “Doesn’t matter. I still beat you. You’re closing again.” He pulled a beer out of the cooler by Breezy’s chair.

  Breezy pulled her camera off her face and held it in one hand on her lap as she twisted her thick black hair over her shoulder. She rolled her eyes at Blake. “And you’ll be staying there anyways.”

  He took a pull of his beer. “Someone’s got to keep the order. Now ya’ll get in gear, I’ll meet you girlies in an hour to drive into town.” He tossed his beer bottle into the bin beside the fire pit in front of us. “I’m ah go make myself presentable.”

  Breezy laughed. “Good luck with that.” She lifted her camera again, ignoring anything beyond the lens as he walked away.

  I picked up my own beer bottle, nursing the ache from my loss. Next time. Next time I’d beat him. The noises from the swamp began to return around us. The animals back to chattering and calling, only stopped due to the gunfire. They had to be use to it by now. Blake believed he had to prepare for war and was always training for when the government would try and take his guns. He was a bit mad, but so were we all. I’d never admit to what I was preparing for.

  “Do me a favor?” Breezy stood up, peering into the overgrowth of the swamp. “Fire at that tree.” Her tiny arm, covered in a colorful sleeve of tattoos, pointed to a short shrub in the center of bigger trees.

  I wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but took the opportunity to shoot. It was the one thing that shut off all other feelings. That split second blast held my moment of escape.