OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3)

by Ashley Claudy

  He pushed my hand away from him with a deep, visceral growl. He snapped, gripping my thighs and slamming himself into me.

  The suddenness broke me and made me cry out, a mixture of pain and ecstasy that had me shaking, anticipating his next thrust.

  And it came, over and over. He held me down by my shoulders with all of his weight, and my eyes rolled back as he pushed me to my limit and ripped through it. Never letting up until I was in tears.

  “Regan,” he panted my name, all of a sudden unmoving, hands still pressing me into the mattress.

  I opened my eyes, meeting his wide ones that were full of panic.

  “Oh shit.” He breathed deep as he pulled himself out.

  My hands shot to him, gripping his arms before he could lift off of me. “No. Don’t stop.” My mind was swirling, my body arching for more, wanting him back. I never wanted this moment to end, this feeling. The pleasure and pain only he gave. It was keeping me together and pulling me apart. It was the verge of insanity, but I didn’t care.

  There was a second that I wasn’t sure he’d continue, and it was the worst fear I’d felt. I couldn’t handle him not finishing this thing he started.

  He pushed back in, filling me and I wrapped my legs around his back, arching into him, trying to get back to that same raw rhythm. And he didn’t disappoint. If anything he went harder, deeper, his body dripping in sweat.

  I cried out as my body curled, tightened, and then broke in waves, releasing around him.

  “You didn’t deserve that.” He was grunting through his thrusts, continuing his furious movement in and out.

  “Hmm,” I laughed, stretching my body under his as the pressure built again. It didn’t matter what he said, because I got it. I wasn’t worried with his words.

  His fingers gripped my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I mean it. You’re mine and I’m not letting you go.”

  I closed my eyes. More words that didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if he wanted to hold on to me, I didn’t exist beyond this moment. There was only this moment. And I was swimming in it, pulled under by him.

  He convulsed, body jerking hard with his release. His heavy weight dropped on me, covering me with his damp, heated body. My own muscles still quivered.

  We lay still until the aftershocks stopped. My muscles were drained beyond exhaustion, I couldn’t even see straight. He rolled to his side, and his fingers glided over my stomach and along my ribs, lulling me into sleep.

  “You got a tattoo? When?”

  I sucked in air, skin prickling as he traced over the ink along my side.

  “A couple of weeks ago.”

  His fingertips slowed as they ran over my scars. I didn’t even have to open my eyes to know he had reached them.

  “That guy from the station? He saw your scars?” His voice was barely a whisper, but it was razor sharp.

  My eyes popped open and I slid off the bed as fast as I could. “Get the fuck out now.”

  He sat up. “I have a right to ask.”

  “No, you actually don’t. I don’t know what the hell just happened between us, but it wasn’t what you think.”

  “Bullshit.” He was out of bed now, both of us naked. “You just can’t admit it. You keep running from it. But you belong to me and I belong to you. We took a fucking vow.”

  “That girls dead.” I walked around him, picking up pieces of clothes from the floor to get dressed.

  “She’s standing right there. Scared as ever.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong.” I stood up, clothes pressed to my chest. My thoughts suddenly became clear. This had been the last test and I’d passed. I wasn’t that weak girl that couldn’t say no to him. I’d had him, and it changed nothing. “I’m not scared.”

  His eyes narrowed, a touch of doubt darkening them, a chink in his confidence. But he stalked towards me. “Then what are you? Because running sure as hell seems like a cowardly thing to do.”

  “You’re a bastard.” I knew what he was trying to do and I hated him for it. I couldn’t let him tear me down. “I’m just not the girl that loves you anymore.”

  He flinched at that. Hands curling at his side. “Don’t fucking say that. I thought we were beyond lies.”

  “It’s the God damned truth. Since I met you, I lost myself. All I was, was the girl who loved you, and look how that fucking ended. I’m done with that. With her. With you.”

  He was silent and still, but anger rolled off him.

  “You’ll never be done with me. I won’t let you. You can’t run far enough away, I’ll always find you.” It was a low, deep threat, and every word shot through my heart.

  He must have registered his words a second later because he loosened his fist at this side and took a step closer, hard lines melting into something softer. “I couldn’t think with you gone. I can’t function. You’re everything to me.”

  I shook my head. He couldn’t wipe away what was already said, what had already been done. “That’s not true. You have your work. I’m the one that had nothing but you. And now, I have nothing.”

  “You still have me.”

  I stepped back, pulling my arm behind me out of his reach.

  “I never did. Not really. Now go.”

  He sunk to his knees, hands grabbing his hair. “Tell me what to do, Regan. Tell me how to make this right?”

  This was the part I couldn’t handle. It was easy to meet his anger with my own, but I couldn’t meet his tears, his hurt, that would be too much pain to bear, and I may never pull it back in. I gripped the counter behind me to keep from moving to him,

  “Anything. Just tell me.” Somehow he was in front of me, still on his knees, arms around my legs.

  I patted his hair, giving a little comfort, knowing he’d never do it. But I’d tell him—the one thing. The thing I was going to do. The one thing I should probably never admit to him. But I couldn’t keep it in because as much as I tried to deny it, my love for him was still strong. I was just done living for myself. I’d already accepted there was no happiness for me; I might as well endure pain for a purpose.

  “Go to the FBI with me.”

  His arms dropped away, and he fell back on his feet, eyes blank as they met mine, all tears burned up as his shock gave way to anger.

  33: One Way

  NO WORDS CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH, but he looked like he was ready to breathe fire.

  I used the space and time to attempt to get dressed, starting with my underwear, but I didn’t get a chance to slide on my shirt before he finally found his voice.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He was on his feet now, every line of his muscles clenched and showing the strain of his anger. “FBI?” he spit the words. “That’s suicide. You can’t do it, I won’t let you.”

  I had paused when he spoke, but now I dropped my shirt over my head, feeling a little less vulnerable partially dressed. “I didn’t ask for permission. You asked what you could do and that’s it.”

  I reached for my jeans, but he yanked them from me, tossing them to the ground. “You’ll die. Are you listening? Going to the FBI will get you killed, and not a quick death either. You can’t do it.”

  “I’m already dead. No matter what I do, there’s something. I tried being loyal, and that didn’t work; I still almost got killed.”

  “But you didn’t,” he gripped my shoulders, his voice low and rough, “You didn’t die, and I can’t let you do this.”

  My eyes locked with his. “It’s not your choice to say what I do. You won’t do it? Fine. But you can’t stop me.”

  “Like hell I can’t.”

  I closed my eyes, done arguing something I couldn’t convince him of. He couldn’t stop me because he didn’t have enough time to devote to keeping me, that I knew. When I opened them, he loosened his grip and was rubbing his palms up and down my arm; it made my stomach swirl with unease.

  “Why? Why do you want to do this?” His voice was
overflowing with concern and dread.

  I shrugged away from his touch, trying to find the answer to that question. There were so many reasons, but I gave him the most honest. “Because I feel like I’ve been banging my head into the same brick wall over and over and getting nowhere.”

  His eyes dropped to the floor, his thoughts shadowed. I could see his mind turning in his silence.

  “Here.” I handed him his boxers. I needed him dressed.

  He stepped into them slow, and I pulled on my jeans.

  “There’s got to be another way. Let me think, I’ll come up with something, you’ll see. Things can change, and you’ll be safe. I’ll keep you safe this time.”

  “Ugh,” I grunted, near screaming, feeling like I could rip out my hair. “That’s not what I’m asking for. You can’t keep me safe, that’s the whole point. Neither of us are safe. Those people don’t deserve to just get away with everything.”

  “The FBI won’t keep you safe either. Viktor has his own informants on the inside.”

  “I know.” I spread my hands out. “I figured as much, but I’m just so tired of all this.”

  His eyes narrowed, but his lips pressed together in a hard line, so I continued.

  “You said anything—”

  He cut me off with a step towards me, “But you ask the one thing I can’t do. I took an oath—”

  “To who? And what good is it when you can’t even trust them.” My hand vibrated as I pressed it to my chest, I was unable to steady it. “And what about the vows we made? Shouldn’t that mean more?”

  He raised his head to the ceiling and closed his eyes, shoulders and chest rising and falling with his deep breaths. “It’s who I am, you’re asking me to betray myself.”

  I sucked back my anger, my words. It was time to accept it. I already knew it to begin with, but it was still a jagged truth to swallow.

  A blast from outside echoed around us. Gage was quick to get the gun on the counter, already heading towards the door in just his boxers.

  “Stop.” I raised my hand. “It’s Blake’s shot gun, he always fires a shot when he gets near.” I shrugged. “Kind of his way of knocking.” I went around the small area, picking up the rest of Gage’s clothes. “Put theses on, he’ll be here soon.”

  He took his clothes from me, and I looked around the trailer. “Shit. I’ve got to do something about the table.” I lifted it off its side, but the broken leg rolled away and another was hanging on by a splinter so I dropped it back down. “Oh, well.” Really that was the least of my worries.

  “What does he know?” He slipped his shirt over his head, muscles in his stomach and chest stretching as he lifted his arms. The material of his shirt dropped in place, and he was covered.

  “Nothing, I never told them anything about me.”

  “Who is he to you?” His blue eyes snatched mine, demanding an answer.

  “I told you.”

  “A friend?” His eyebrow rose as he slid my gun into his waist band, leaving it shown over his shirt. “Never went further? Not even once?”

  The sound of sticks snapping and heavy boots approaching signaled that Blake was out front now. I wanted to say something smart and biting to Gage but didn’t want to pull Blake into this. I opened the front door, letting in the daylight and cool breeze, as I responded, “No Never.”

  When Gage’s hands gripped my shoulders from behind it made my stomach dip with the familiar touch, and his whispered voice sent a wave of homesickness crashing over me. “That wasn’t my answer.”

  I craned my head to the side to meet his eyes behind me, ready to push him away if he was going to keep getting on me about Blake, but his soft tone made me hesitate.

  “I haven’t answered you yet.” His clear blue eyes met mine, and his hand moved to my chin, keeping me from turning away. “Give me some time, okay?”

  I nodded, speechless. It sparked a small flame of hope in my stomach, but I wasn’t sure if I should protect it and let it grow, or stomp it out before it burned down the walls covering my weakness. Gulping down feelings that tried to surface, I stepped out the front door and down the two metal steps of the trailer.

  “Everything all right?” Blake questioned, spitting on the ground. His shotgun rested against his shoulder.

  “Yeah. Are you all right? After the other night—”

  “I’m fine.” He turned his gaze behind me as Gage came out of the trailer. “I knew you had secrets, and I’m not going to make you share them. But damned if I thought even your name was fake.”

  “Yeah. I’m sorry for lying to you, but…”

  “You had your reasons. I get it.” Blake was still watching Gage as he came up next to me, and he gripped the gun at his shoulder.

  My skin tingled with Blake’s movement and the tension flowing off Gage as he stood silent, arms crossed, just behind me.

  “Can we talk?” Blake pulled his eyes back to mine. “Alone.”

  I nodded, but Gage spoke up. “You can talk in front of me.”

  Blake spit again, eyes narrowing on Gage. “Well, sir, I want to make sure you don’t influence her answers, understand?”

  “Well. Sir,” Gage started with attitude and took a step towards Blake. “That’s my wife, and you’re not taking her out of my sight.”

  “I’m not the one she’s been hiding from for the past several months.”

  “Stop.” I turned to Gage and put both hands on his chest to keep him from charging forward.

  “You know nothing about this. So shut the fuck up.” His words were angry, but he stilled and dropped his eyes to mine. Then he brought his arm up to cover my hands on his chest, holding them in place. Holding me in place.

  “Stop, both of you. Blake, I appreciate the concern, but I can talk in front of him.” I still had my eyes locked with Gage’s.

  “You can back away from him, he won’t do anything.”

  Gage dropped my hands and pulled me behind him.

  I turned and looked straight into the barrel of Blake’s shotgun. “Blake. Put that down.”

  Gage had the gun at his waist, but he wasn’t going for it, so I did.

  “Put it down, Blake.” I pointed the revolver at him.

  “Girlie, I’m quicker than you.” But he lifted his gun back to his shoulder.

  “You’re crazier than me, that’s for sure.” I slid my gun in my waistband.

  “You’re the one that met a shotgun with a handgun.” He grunted, with a sort of laugh. “But if you were trying to protect him, then maybe you weren’t running from him.”

  “It’s complicated.” I grabbed Gage’s hand, cautious and trying to read his mood. He was silent and still, like a bomb, but I was thankful he hadn’t escalated the situation. “It was just better that no one knew where I was, but that’s blown now. And I’m glad he found me.” I wasn’t sure if I spoke for Blake’s benefit or Gage’s benefit. Or if it was the truth.

  Blake’s eyes were slits. “So are you in danger now?”

  “No,” Gage spoke before I could and slipped his arm around my waist. “We’ve come up with a plan. Things are going to be okay. But she doesn’t need to stay here anymore.”

  I looked up to him, but his expression was controlled and gave nothing away. I wanted his words to be the truth though.

  “When are you leaving?”

  “Today. Now.” Gage stepped forward, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket and pulling several bills out. “This should cover whatever she owes.”

  “She’s always paid up front.” Blake waved away the money.

  “Take it.” Gage still extended it. “The table inside is broke as well.”

  Blake took the money. “So you were just going to go? Without saying anything?”

  “No. I would have stopped to say bye first.” My muscles pulsed, unsure what the hell I was doing, saying. I knew I couldn’t stay here now, now that my real name was released. But Gage hadn’t given me a real
answer yet, just dangled it in front of me. It almost felt like a trick, a ploy to get me away.

  He dragged his eyes between us. “I’ll go now. But make sure you do stop by before you go to say bye to Breezy.”

  ***

  There was nothing to pack, nothing I needed to take if I was going back to my old life, but I packed a backpack, just in case I wasn’t going back. Just in case his answer was no, and I had to go on my own.

  But I followed his lead until then, holding onto the little hope he gave. His maybe. His words to Blake that we had a plan. We.

  When we were on the private jet, flying back to New York, I pressed for a real answer.

  “What are you going to do?” I asked him as he took a seat on the couch next to me.

  He handed me a container with a salad and sandwich in it. “You should eat.”

  I set the food on the table at my side. The jet he rented was small, but decorated more like a living room than a plane.

  “Just tell me what you decided.”

  “Tell me why it has to be this way? When you know it will get us killed?”

  “It may not. Anthony came to me twice and nobody knew. Talking to him could be safe.”

  He wiped his hand over his face. “That’s because you didn’t say anything. If he went back with information, you better believe someone would have been after you.”

  “Maybe.” I dropped my eyes to my hands, a little less sure than before—of him, not my plan.

  His fingers lifted my chin to face him. “What do you hope will happen? What is it you want from this?”

  He looked open, willing to listen and that encouraged me to talk.

  “I don’t have a clear idea. I just want something different. I’m so tired of everything, and the things those people do.”

  “Those people. That’s me too. That’s what you seem to forget.”

  “No, you’re not like them. How can you say that?”

  “Because it’s true.” He gripped my thigh. “I’m part of that system.”

  “What about Shadow? Are you involved with him? Do you sell those girls?” I held my breath for the answer. If he did, then I was wasting my time with him.