Holding On To You

by Anne-Marie Hart

  A guard spits in the dirt and wipes it away with his shoe. River watches the way he holds his gun, having seen that stance in several eager men, a hundred times before. It says, 'give me an opportunity to use this, and I won't hesitate to take it.'

  The Lexus, in which they sit, has been registered in his name through Buck's business, and is completely legitimate. It was parked exactly where he found it, the morning of the raid, because he put it there himself as back up. In the event that something went wrong, which it eventually did, he would change back to his own car, as long as he could do so without being seen. What he hadn't counted on was having a hostage with him, which hasn't necessarily changed his plan, only made it a riskier one. A risk he would retake again and again until the fabric of time dissolved around him.

  The car can easily be traced back to him, but can only be linked to the bank via Maddy. There is nothing else that puts him there at the crime scene, apart from the fingerprints he left in the Oldsmobile, that the police will have failed to match up to anyone, because neither himself or Buck, have ever allowed them to be taken and put into the system. Buck has kept River away from a life of crime for as long as he has been able to, and thankfully for River, that has been long enough.

  He figures he'll be safe, as long as nobody recognises Maddy, and if they do, then he'll still be fine, if nobody puts a face and a name to her companion.

  'Are you scared?' Maddy says.

  'I don't know', River says. 'Ask me that again when I'm on the other side.'

  'Are you really going to do it?'

  'I haven't got another option Princess', River says. 'Why, you having second thoughts?'

  'I'll tell you that when you're on the other side', Maddy says.

  'It might be too late then', River says.

  'I hope not.'

  'I'm going to take you somewhere', River says, gunning the car into action, and driving away from the border back into the town. 'You ever been on a Ferris wheel before?'

  'A Ferris wheel', Maddy asks.

  'Yeah', River says. 'A Ferris wheel. Don't ask me why, but right here in town, they used to have one of the biggest Ferris wheels in the United States, I kid you not. It was like it didn't ever belong, but there it was, like it had grown up by itself out of the dirt, and because of that, no-one ever tried to do anything other than accept it. If it's still here I want to take you on it.'

  'You want to spend what could be your last afternoon in the United States, riding an ancient Ferris wheel with me?'

  'We can get lunch afterwards if you like', River quips.

  'Can I choose it?' Maddy asks.

  'Only if you promise to have another beer with me when we eat', River says.

  'I reckon I can do that', Maddy says.

  The town centre is like a thousand other's she's seen already. The same shops, the same people, even the same smells, as though it's all been created in a factory, and rolled out to order. As she watches the people, and the couples particularly, she wonders how many people are happy. She wonders how many people amongst the billions out there in the world can say beyond a shadow of doubt that they are truly happy.

  High rise flat blocks blot the horizon as they drive, one coming after the next, like an endless row of dominoes, that Maddy pretends to knock down, with one eye closed and her finger out to cheat the perspective. All of a sudden, as though revealed like a dove at the conclusion of a magic trick, the bowed metal of the Ferris wheel, still turning slowly after all these years, looms large above them, like the gaping jaws of a gigantic metal shark. It is all of a sudden there, so disconnected from what surrounds it, Maddy can hardly believe it exists at all. Like a metal bush, the carriages of which could be flowers, it tangles and towers above everything else, demanding to be seen.

  'There it is', River says, in case Maddy has failed to notice it.

  'No shit', Maddy says, opening the window for a better look. 'It's definitely still going.'

  River isn't sure if it's the yellow carriage with an 88 on it, or the one which seems to have rusted away entirely, the memory having faded so long ago, he's not even sure how old he was when it happened. It doesn't matter, just being here is enough. It seems a fitting place to remind himself what it's like to be happy, and remember that once, a long time ago, there was a mother and a father that despite everything else that came after, for that moment at least, really did love him.

  Chapter 20

  The wrought iron beast is even more impressive close up. The base is a solid block of metal composite the size of a basketball court, with reinforcing struts dug so deep into the earth, it would take days just to find the ends. The wheel itself, with metal poles long since shifted out of place, sits like a tangled thorn of crowns placed sideways, while the top sways worrying in the breeze, like an old drunk walking back home after a skin full. The whole thing creaks as it moves, moaning like a pantomime ghost, and giving every impression that at any moment it could fall in on itself. It is however, despite its appearance, surprisingly solid, rooted in place like an old sequoia. It sits fenced off, like an old museum relic, in the heart of the busy town, loved and loathed in equal measure by everyone who has to live with it. Like the man who acts as the operator, and has done for as many years as anyone can remember, sitting there day in day out, come rain or shine, like an Arthurian guard protecting a legend, it refuses to die.

  Maddy stares up at the very top, squinting her eyes into the sun beyond.

  'Are you serious?' she says.

  'Incredible isn't it?' River says, as excited as a young boy.

  'It must be a hundred years old!'

  'If it isn't I'd want to know why it's busted up like that', River says. He has his foot on the railing and yet another cigarette in his mouth, contemplating the iron giant as though it were something he had to overcome to get across to the other side.

  'Is it safe?' Maddy says. 'It doesn't look safe.'

  'I reckon, due to the fact it's been here for so long, it's probably just as safe, if not safer than anything else built around here.'

  'It's moving, and it's creaking', Maddy says, still not convinced.

  'It's a Ferris wheel Maddy, of course it's moving.'

  'No, not like that', she says, but River has already gone through the gate towards the ticket booth, and Maddy finds herself following.

  The old man is asleep when they approach. Maddy isn't sure if he's not just dead. Just before River announces his arrival, the man draws a deep lungful of breath, and opens his eyes.

  'Customers', he says, a twinkle flashing behind a cataract damaged eye.

  'Two please', River says.

  'Are you sure it's alright?' Maddy says, still worried.

  'I take it you've never been on this before Miss', the old man says.

  'No', Maddy says. 'I don't know if I want to either.'

  'Well she may look like she's been through the wars', the man says with an air of authority, 'but she's not going anywhere. As long as I'm still standing, she'll still be standing too.'

  'How much?' River says.

  'A dollar ninety each. That's for a thirty minute ride.'

  River hands over a one hundred dollar bill. 'If you can fix it so it stops at the top for a while, you can keep the change.'

  'I reckon I can do that', the old man says, vanishing the money away so quickly, River wonders if he's put it down at all.

  'There isn't anybody else riding it', Maddy says, still unsure. 'Isn't that a bad sign?'

  'It's a good sign Maddy, it means we have the whole thing to ourselves.'

  The old man leads them to the raised platform which allows them to get onto the carriages. Here, Maddy can hear the whole structure creaking as though the thing were alive, breathing its very last. She pays close attention to the links between the carriages and the wheel itself, thinking that every single one is about as close to collapsing as they can get, praying the next one that comes around will be the most secure.

  The old man disappears to the righ
t, where a lever led box generator the size of a car, provides the power source to put the whole thing in motion. He grips the lever, a slice of treated wood almost half a metre bigger than him, and with a strength that belies him, he pulls hard, just as a new carriage is approaching, to grind the whole thing to a halt.

  River gets into the carriage. He's done this before, and knows he has nothing to fear. Of all of the modes of transport he's been on in his life, this is definitely one of the safest and most enjoyable.

  'Well come on', he says to Maddy, hand outstretched.

  Maddy can't help but be nervous.

  'You want me to give you a push?' The old man says, before adjusting his cap, and wiping a single bead of sweat off his brow.

  'What if it falls?' Maddy says.

  'Then it falls, and I'll make sure I hold you while we plummet to the earth. Now come on. The views in this thing are incredible.'

  Maddy takes River's hand, and tentatively steps inside. The carriage sways a little bit under her feet, like a boat lilting on water, so as soon as she's inside, she finds herself needing to sit down to keep her balance. River closes the door and signals to the old man.

  'First timers', he says to himself, and cranks the machine back into life.

  The carriage jolts forward suddenly, and nearly throws Maddy off her seat and onto the floor. She grips anything solid she can hold, eventually settling for River's hand, at the absence of anything else closer, and watches the safety of the earth slowly get further away as they rise.

  The old man has his cap in his hand, waving up at them, and Maddy waves back too, careful not to get too close to the window.

  The carriage itself is egg shaped, fastened to the wheel with a solid chain link, and dented all over from years of use. It has windows that can be lowered, and glass everywhere but the very top and very bottom, a small piece of which near the side to her right, Maddy finds to her horror is missing. River lowers his window. They are about half way up, and already above some of the smaller buildings. A refreshing breeze swims into the carriage, and up here the air smells different.

  River stares out of the window at the higher tower blocks that still surround them, and the workers inside that he can just about make out, going about their daily lives without a single glance back to him, having grown used to the Ferris wheel and the normally empty carriages, that sits juxtaposed alongside them.

  He grips Maddy's hand a little tighter, enjoying the feeling of such a simple gesture.

  'This is incredible', Maddy says, after a while.

  'I know right, what did I tell you?' River says.

  'I'm going to get up', Maddy says, grasping at a new found confidence.

  'You think that's a good idea?' River says. 'You could wait until-', but Maddy is already up before he's had a chance to finish his sentence. 'We stop', River says.

  Still holding his hand, she stumbles out into the middle of the carriage, like a child heading out onto a frozen lake, with a brand new pair of ice skates. As she moves, the carriage rocks, so much so that River grips hold of the side. When she feels like she's happy enough, she lets go of his hand, and immediately nearly falls over.

  'Easy Maddy', River says.

  Maddy rights herself, finds her balance and then begins to take in her surroundings, ecstatic that she's challenged herself with something, and not only overcome it, but that she's thoroughly enjoying it too. Riding the carriage is like catching a wave, and it feels incredible to have that sense of weightlessness and freedom.

  'Come on, stand up with me', she says. 'It's easy.'

  'I figure I might wait until the very top, we're almost there.' River says, looking out of the window at the sky beyond, not entirely convinced he'll be able to hold his balance for long.

  'Come on, don't be a wuss', Maddy says, getting the hang of the motions of the carriage, much quicker than she thought she would. 'If I can do it, you can do it too.'

  'I don't know Maddy', River says, not entirely convinced.

  'Are you scared?' Maddy says, hands on hips now, confident of her balance.

  River gives her a look that could melt lead.

  'Well alright', River says after a while. 'Only if you insist.'

  Maddy holds out her hand, and River takes it, making sure he still has a hand to balance himself, firmly grasped onto the window ledge.

  'That's it', Maddy says. 'I've got you.'

  'I aint too sure if either of us have got anything', River says, but lets go of the ledge anyway, ready to take the plunge. He stumbles a little, as Maddy had done before him, but she holds him up, or at least provides a shoulder for him to place his free hand, which stops him from falling. The carriage sways much more than he expected with the movement of the wheel, and much more than he remembers from the time he was here before. There is something exciting about the feeling of riding with the carriage as it moves, that gives River a kind of surprised satisfaction, he hadn't remembered could feel so good.

  'It feels like we're flying', River says, as his body adjusts to the pendulum-like movements, and he is able to let go of Maddy's shoulder.

  'I know', Maddy says, 'It's amazing.'

  Just as River straightens his back, feeling confident he's conquered the swinging cage, the whole wild beast shudders violently to a halt. On the ground below them, the old man, just about able to see with the one eye yet succumbed to cataracts, pulls the lever again, to bring the mechanism to a dead halt.

  River lurches forward, and unable to control his trajectory, tumbles spectacularly into Maddy. Maddy, somehow with her arms open at the very moment River crashes into her, falls backwards and ends up on the floor of the carriage, with River pressed down on top of her, his lips an inch away from hers, their noses touching. When it happens, they both think the carriage itself is falling, having snapped under their combined weight, and there is a nervous few moments before the carriage, still swinging from inertia, begins to slow down, when they expect the beast itself to topple, and the earth to come suddenly spinning towards them from below.

  'Fuck', Maddy says, breathing heavily, her heart pumping so wildly she can feel the pressure of it in her ears.

  'That scare you Princess?' River says calmly, although his own heart pumping tells a different story. 'I got you if we fall, I already told you that.'

  'I thought we were dead', Maddy says. 'I thought we were really dead. Fuck.'

  'You think our story's going to end so suddenly?'

  Maddy breathes a huge sigh of relief. Slowly she realises that she's not dead. In fact, apart from not only not being dead, she's also very much alive.

  'I'll believe otherwise if you kiss me', Maddy says eventually.

  'I reckon I can just about handle that', River says.

  So with the carriage still wobbling, the metal beast breathing a creaky sigh, like an old man at the end of a long walk, and River and Maddy wrapped in each others arms, a hundred metres from the earth and still flying, they kiss so passionately, and with so much desire, it's a wonder the energy they produce doesn't kick start the thing back into action again.

  When Maddy and River kissed each other for the first time, it was incredible. It was so incredible in fact she didn't think it could ever be topped. Now, pinned down by him, his body pressed so closely into hers it's as if it was meant to be there all along, she buzzes with little bolts of electricity that magically fizz up and down her spine, and her mind feels alive in ways she never imagined were possible.

  Being intimate with River is like nothing else she has ever experienced, and it's so addictive, she has no desire for it to ever stop.

  'You know we're alone up here princess, not even the birds fly this high', River jokes, his hand having already found its way to the soft, ticklish skin of her torso.

  'What about the view?' Maddy says, her head back and her eyes closed, while River kisses her neck.

  'It'll wait', River says, 'It has done so far.'

  The old man disappears back inside his hut, happy to let t
he young couple have their fun, while he catches up again on his sleep. In the air above him, Maddy and River's carriage gently sways, while the rest of the egg shaped pods sit silently, motionless in the stillness of the day.

  Sally is ostensibly rearranging her window display, while she spies on a couple on the pavement outside the shop, who seem to be having a fairly heated argument. There is a young baby with them, and the woman keeps pushing the pram one way, for the man to try and take it from her and push it another. Eventually, the woman wins out, and the man and the baby go along with whatever she feels like she needs to do.

  'You gossiping again, Sal?'

  Sally gives a little jump, feeling like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't. It's Hank, having managed to slip into the shop unnoticed, which he seems to have a bad habit of being able to do.

  'Hank', she says, wiping her hands on her tea-towel. 'You scared me.'

  'I wouldn't have done if you weren't doing something you shouldn't', Hank says.

  'I was checking to see if they were alright', Sally says. 'I thought it could have been trouble.'

  'You were gossiping again', Hank says, reaching over the counter to attempt to get some crumbs from around a cake, only to have the back of his hand slapped by the plastic spoon Sally happens to be carrying in her hand.

  'You got some news for me little brother?' Sally says. 'She's been all over the box again this afternoon, and every time I see her I'm more convinced that I'm right.'

  'Have you run out of lemon meringue pie', Hank says disappointedly, scanning the display and not finding what he's come for.

  'Don't change the subject', Sally says. 'You haven't run the search yet have you? For christ sake Hank.'