Managing Expectations

by Erin R Flynn

  No one said anything for several moments, but then it was Taeral who broke the silence again. “Yes, our queen called upon Faerie to try and save her mate, and many of us saw a change in her that we could not stop or intervene in.” His tone said to clearly let it go.

  So we did. We weren’t trying to poke at her or start shit, simply help me.

  I kinda wanted to beat him for not warning me of that before, something he seemed to realize, giving me a destroyed look.

  “We thought it was because of the grief,” he whispered. “We never thought—I never—everything written is that Faerie answers to the queens and heirs, not they are tools for our world as you have explained. You are not a tool to us. We all have purposes and roles, Princess. I have been seen as a tool to my queen and my people. That doesn’t make me expendable and you certainly aren’t.”

  “You have as much honor as Meira and I were told,” Lageos praised. “Thank you for the way you and the Dark Guardians have been protecting my daughter in my absence. Her mates have made it clear that she sleeps better and has less worries now that you are here to counsel her and take charge of aiding the fair folk and others.”

  “It has been my honor to serve your wise, caring, exceptional, and uncustomary daughter.” Taeral smiled at me as he said that last part, and I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

  “I hate to ruin this moment, but you didn’t finish answering the question, and I think there was more there that Tamsin needs to know,” Darby said quietly.

  Lageos nodded. “Yes, I believe Faerie wouldn’t waste energy healing your mother if it could, given its current state since you’re alive. Maybe. It has tried to heal others, so maybe it’s in default mode of saving as many as it can with all the death going on. I can’t say, as the planet is… Finicky isn’t harsh enough. I wouldn’t ever risk it or you.”

  He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was more than fine with the idea of never tapping into or joining up with Faerie ever again.

  Really I was.

  “I’m sorry. I’d try it if I could give her back to you.”

  The smile he gave me warmed my soul again. “Of course you would because you’re your mother’s daughter. She would beat me in in the afterlife if I even let you attempt it and that world got any more of a lock in on you or your magic. She was very clear that one of the first things I was to teach you was to never call upon Faerie unless you are dying and no one can save you.”

  I winced. “I saved Craftsman once. I didn’t know who I was or who he was to me, but I—”

  “Faerie did,” he sighed. “You connected to it then too?”

  I thought back and shook my head. “No, I was completely out of juice.” I quickly told him the full situation, and the relief in his expression was thick.

  “That would be the only other time. You were too drained for Faerie to use you as a conduit. Those dire circumstances only, or you risk your soul. That was what Meira always said. She understood why the dark queen did it. She would have done the same for me as that’s what love means and we are fated mates as well, but she gave her soul to do it and Faerie basically ate it.”

  I realized there was something else I wanted to know, glancing around. “Why do we always call her the dark queen or Neldor’s mother? Why—no one will say her name.”

  “They won’t,” Lageos answered for me, not caring it was fairy ways and maybe one of them should answer.

  Good. I wanted it from a source I would trust most and even if I’d just met the man, my father was clearly on my side.

  “She betrayed her people by enacting the curse. She tried to take the lives of those in her own realm and not for justice. She crossed into evil, and her name will never be spoken again because of it. Fairies—and other supes—believe that giving life to meanings is what magic is and power to names or runes, so speaking the name of one who is done such wrong is giving it life when they shouldn’t.”

  I settled with that a few moments. “Is that why they have such a problem with my cussing?”

  “No, that’s just because a lot of the older fairies have sticks up their asses and would think it beneath a princess to fucking cuss,” he answered with a straight face.

  It was a few moments before several of us caught up with that and burst out laughing… And not most of the fairies.

  “Are you really one to call any of us old?” Iolas grumbled when we settled down.

  “I said older,” Lageos reminded him. “You’re really not that old for a fairy. You jumped ranks fast because you’re an amazing fighter. Taeral is as well, but he’s an older stick in the mud.”

  “A demigod is calling me old. Great,” Taeral drawled. “Did anyone bring wine?”

  Oh good, I wasn’t the only one who had that reaction to the day.

  9

  Getting to meet my dad was great and he was more than I had honestly hoped for… Once I got past the whole demigod thing. That was a pill I didn’t think I’d be ready to swallow for a while.

  But when it sank in that I’d been wrong about my mother or I was still upset how everything had turned out, I started spiraling. Then news spread in our inner circle we were able to save some of the fairies wounded on the battlefield and my dad was found—the rest of it all left off—and people started showing up. I understood that and I wasn’t upset, sort of lost in my head.

  Until several of the Rothchilds did.

  Without Mel. But they did, so it meant she had to know, and she didn’t come. My dad, who I’d wondered about all my life, for years, while living with her and being tied up about since meeting Neldor was found, and no matter what was going on between us, she didn’t so much as stop by to make sure I was dealing?

  That was the moment I was done. My heart closed to her.

  There were so many people talking and wanting answers or to come up with more plans that I portaled away when I went for more food without even meaning to. So clearly, that need to run was getting worse.

  Whoops.

  I didn’t realize where I was for a few moments but then when I did, I sat down on the bench behind me more because my knees gave out than because I really wanted to spend time there. Apparently, my mind or subconscious thought I needed to.

  I just didn’t know why.

  I was lost in my head for a few minutes when Lageos was just suddenly there. And I mean suddenly. No walking up to me. No portal. He was simply there sitting next to me.

  Slowly turning and blinking at him, I was fairly sure WTF was all over my face.

  He chuckled. “Now you understand how the others feel when you do things they cannot. You will get much more of that as I work with you to show you how vast your magic is.”

  I opened my mouth but then closed it, trying a few more times before I formulated my response. “Honestly, I still feel that all the time because I never seem to know what’s possible, and they shock the shit out of me all the time.”

  “Fair. To answer your unasked question, no, I didn’t need a portal. I can simply teleport. But I can only do it while in the world. I cannot teleport between worlds like this one and Faerie, and that magic Neldor’s mother used prevented even me from teleporting. Magic used by giving your life and soul is powerful beyond imagination.”

  “Her soul?” I whispered, others only saying her life from what I remembered. “So she won’t get to be with her mate in the afterlife?”

  He stared at me curiously. “She started back up the war that killed—”

  “People agreed to fight it. That was their choice. Others defected. Cluym did. Yes, she was the queen and gave the orders, but I’ve asked, and they were allowed to abstain or leave the service. They made the choice to follow her.”

  “True, but she cast a spell that tried to kill every fairy. You think she deserves a happy afterlife with her mate? I don’t.”

  I sat with that for several minutes, staring up at the stars. “He doesn’t deserve to lose her, and you even said that Faerie probably got to her when she tried to revi
ve him. She was clearly not in her head. Temporary insanity is a viable—”

  “Yes, well, that insanity cost me my mate and our chance to raise you, so forgive me for not being as forgiving,” he bit out.

  “No, yeah, I didn’t say she was forgiven,” I whispered, forgetting he wasn’t as removed from it all as I was. “I just… We all…” I sighed, scrubbing my hand over my head. “I guess I’d rather think that she and my mom meet in the afterlife and she asks for forgiveness once she’s better, is grateful for the sacrifice.”

  He didn’t respond right away. “You’re much more forgiving than I would have thought, having my blood in you. And from what I’ve heard so far.”

  I flinched at that. “I’m very forgiving. Most might not believe that but honestly, I don’t answer to them, and they really haven’t been paying attention if they don’t see it. We’ve got someone who’s about to betray the havens I built and I already forgive her. She’s being selfish and risking everyone there, but I forgive her because I understand being that scared.

  “I have a teacher who lives with her head in the sand. I forgave her living that way, but she keeps putting her head back there. That, I won’t forgive until she changes. She’s part of the problem.” I blew a raspberry. “I guess what I’m saying is from what I’ve heard of Neldor’s mother, she would have done everything she could to make things right if she’d been in her head.

  “She didn’t get that chance because she gave her life for that evil magic, and apparently her soul, but I don’t only blame her. I blame Faerie. I felt how it is and… It’s not like being drunk and abusing your mate. But she made one decision, one choice, out of grief and no matter how horrible it was, I believe in the chance for redemption.”

  “So did your mother. She would be very proud of you. Truly. No matter how angry I got at what her visions showed us, she only felt sadness. She couldn’t get all the pieces to try and stop it or change the course but in her heart, she could not judge Neldor’s mother. She said it could have easily been her if she had lost me.”

  I blew another raspberry. “I can’t even imagine the burden of visions. Telepathy is enough of a fucking pain in the ass.”

  “You might still get them.”

  “Awesome,” I groaned, moving my arms over my face. “Did she start with telepathy too?”

  “No, your mother did not have that power. She started with visions, but given you have any mental abilities, it is logical it could develop, no matter what others will tell you. They go off history and records too often and if history has taught us all anything, it’s that everything evolves. You will always have a leg up on them for not defaulting to the way things have been.”

  It made sense. It definitely was a perk to how I’d grown up outside of the supe world.

  Which led me back to where we were and why I’d shown up here.

  “Where are we?” he asked gently.

  I swallowed loudly. “It’s not a pretty story. I’ll tell you because you’re my dad but… Do I call you that? I don’t—”

  “I honestly prefer you didn’t,” he whispered, scrubbing his hand over his red curls. “Having you was one of my greatest joys. Truly. I never want you to think otherwise. I worried constantly that demigods weren’t meant to have children since none before me did. Getting to see you grow was going to help me… I don’t feel how Meira spoke of the bond with you.”

  “I think that’s honestly common with fathers versus mothers who do the whole growing of the baby and birth thing,” I comforted.

  “She said the same. I feel our connection, and I would give my life to protect you but… Let’s just stick with Lageos and Tamsin until we’re ready? Yes?”

  “Sounds good to me.” I honestly felt the same. I knew he was my dad and I felt the same—or he would protect me—but I couldn’t jump into this either. I went back to his question, gesturing around to the rooftop terrace and garden. “I used to hide here when I was… You know what foster care is and how the kids are placed with people or families?”

  “Yes, I know of the system and have been filled in that you suffered through the humans’ broken idea of child care,” he bit out.

  Oh boy. He wasn’t going to like the rest of this.

  I pointed across the street to a specific duplex in the long row of them. “That’s the last place I was sent to. The guy beat me, and my case worker wouldn’t listen to me. He said I was a problem and I was lucky anyone took me from the group home. He said messed up kids like me needed discipline, and I should be grateful anyone cared at all.

  “When my foster dad found out I’d snitched on him, he went ballistic. He was hitting me and throwing things at me, laughing the whole time while saying I blew my one chance. That I cried wolf too soon. I didn’t know what that meant at first but then…”

  “What did he do to you?” Lageos bit out.

  For the first time, I felt as if I could actually tell all of it, even the stuff I never did Mel. I could say the words, and there was truly someone in this world who could make it all hurt a little less, not simply give me some comfort.

  “He shoved me against the kitchen wall and stuck his hand in my pants. He grabbed my ass and told me he got to take my virginity because I was so stupid. He thanked me for giving it to him without problems now. I screamed and he shoved my head into the wall hard enough I saw stars. I kicked back and he tore off my panties and told me to bend over the table like a good whore because I was his now.

  “I did everything I could to fight. He tore my shirt off and groped my breast, so focused on touching me that he didn’t realize we were by the knife block. He hit me across the face and blood was just everywhere from my nose. He picked me up and tossed me on the table, but I managed to grab a knife as he did. When he reached for me again, I stabbed it through his hand.

  “It was not the best move, I know that now, but I wasn’t trained. He howled in pain and said he would kill me. I believed him. I absolutely believed him and that he would rape me first. I pulled up my pants and tried to race for the door, but he came right after me and I saw it was locked. He would have caught me when I stopped to unlock it. I ran upstairs instead, locking myself in the bathroom.

  “I had thought someone would call the police with all the screaming I was doing, but a few minutes of him trying to bust in the door and I realized no one cared. No one gave a rat’s ass about a stupid foster kid or what was being done to her. I’d lived years and years of that. So I opened that tiny window there and managed to squirm out of it, falling onto the roof and probably breaking my wrist in the process.

  “I rolled off the roof and landed onto the ground hard enough that my ribs hurt for so long. And I ran. I ran in only a bra and sweatpants because I wasn’t allowed to wear shoes in the house. I had no friends or no one to go to since no one wanted to be friends with the bullied loser. I went to school and stole clothes from a few gym lockers and a bag to grab what I could and kept running.”

  He swallowed so loudly, I heard it. “And this monster?”

  “Mel went back for him after I met her and got him locked up. Apparently, he not only liked to rape the foster girls that kept getting sent to him, but he murdered five of them. How that got missed from the system is—oh right, they don’t give two fucks, and we’re all the messed up ones. I wonder how we got messed up?”

  “From your tone, I gather that is not all you suffered?”

  “No.”

  “I am so sorry I failed you and you suffered any of it,” he whispered, his voice cracking.

  “I don’t blame you. I didn’t tell you to… You said you’re broken. I’m—I felt like I could tell you all of it. I don’t know why. I never told the details to Mel. I didn’t do it to make you feel guilty.” That hadn’t even crossed my mind.

  “You were never supposed to suffer like that,” he rasped as he moved his arm around me. “I couldn’t get to you. I tried. Tamsin. I’m so, so sorry. I tried. The portals were broken and—I couldn’t get out. How you can
be so willing to forgive that woman who was the cause of so much of your suffering is beyond me.”

  What he said hit me hard. I hadn’t realized it yet. Yes, I knew Neldor’s mother killed mine, but I’d never known the woman. It was all distant. Something I didn’t think I was ever meant to have or was possible.

  But this? Knowing now she was the reason I suffered all I did? That was tangible. Her curse kept Lageos from coming to get me from the humans and protect me from all I went through. He was supposed to raise me and not let this be the path I went down.

  And suddenly, I didn’t feel so badly for her. I couldn’t give a shit if she was in the afterlife with her mate, or Hades poked her with all the demons. Rage swarmed me as I fully comprehended how one woman had done so much damage to my life in a way I could never get justice for.

  “You hadn’t put it together yet,” he whispered, pulling me to him. “This has all been too much. I see that now.”

  I nodded against his chest, swallowing screams of anger even as tears still came. My crazy with Faerie had made me feel bad for the dark queen, but Lageos was right that there were lines that were crossed that a person couldn’t come back from or be forgiven.

  And not simply because it now affected me. No, that simply jolted me back to reality and out of my head. Millions of fairies had lost twenty years of their lives, and countless others had had decades of not knowing what’d happened to their loved ones. That was too much pain to be forgiven.

  Or maybe someone else could with penance, but I was glad it wasn’t up to me as I could be vindictive.

  Lageos let me get it all out, but then both of us seemed to understand that was as much as the other could handle for the night. I brought him to one of my hole-in-the-wall burger joints that wasn’t in the best neighborhood and knew not to ask questions and fire up the grills when they saw me. They thought I was a competitive eater from what I picked up from their minds.