Interview With a Jewish Vampire

by Erica Manfred

  Then I went to Best Buy and got her a cell phone, which I was determined she would somehow learn to use. I wanted to be able to get in touch with her at all times, in case something happened to her. Was I having a premonition of disaster? Maybe, but I put it out of my mind. Before the change Mom’s memory had been failing along with her body. She just couldn’t remember how to use any modern technology. She loved photography, and had bought herself a digital camera. She couldn’t figure out how to use it no matter how many times the photo store guy showed her. Even if she had figured out the camera, what was she going to do without a computer or printer to print or store the pictures? So I bought her a computer and a printer. Email was a must. She had to be able to write to me. Plus Best Buy was open late and she could always confer with the Geek Squad after sunset on how to use the cell phone, the computer, the printer, etc. I sure hoped the change sharpened her mind along with revitalizing her body.

  After spending enough of Mom’s money to get a big lecture from her, I put away the checkbook and headed for the beach. Bobbing around in the ocean waves was more therapeutic than I’d anticipated. I dove under and rode them back to shore, which exhausted me. Then I sat on the beach and baked in the sun, a luxury I usually never allowed myself due to fear of aging. I’d seen too many Florida women my age with leathery, wrinkled faces. Today I needed to bake—the heat of the sun drained me of anxiety. I refused to worry about how I looked in a bathing suit even though the light of day did not show my thighs to their best advantage.

  After exhausting myself in the ocean I treated myself to a huge Jewish meal at The Deli Den in Hollywood. Obama had stopped here while he was campaigning in south Florida and Mom had her picture taken with him ( it pays to be a little old Jewish lady and live in a swing state). I think he had the brisket and a black and white cookie. I had matzoh ball soup and a huge pastrami sandwich on rye. I was glad neither Sheldon nor Mom was around to observe my gluttonous behavior, but I felt guilty anyway. Poor Mom wouldn’t be having pastrami again—ever. I felt so bad I ordered a big slice of cherry cheesecake to cheer myself up.

  By the time I got back to the apartment and took a long nap, it was time to wake Sheldon up.

  “Sheldon, I am having a major anxiety attack,” I said as soon as he opened his eyes. “How do we know Mom will rise like she’s supposed to?”

  “We don’t. But Tess probably does. We’ll take her along. She’s going to have to help us with the transition, find blood for Mom to drink. She’ll be pretty thirsty when she wakes up.”

  We picked Tess up in the Suburban and I was impressed by how she hopped up into the back. It was pretty high.

  “Ready to rock and roll?” Tess said.

  “Mom hates rock and roll,” I answered.

  “That might change,” Tess said, “I never liked rock and roll either until I became a vampire back in the ‘seventies. Then I became a big disco fan because they were open all night and I could dance. I’m mad for dancing.”

  “Weren’t you worried about looking out of place?”

  “Remember Disco Sally?

  “Yeah, she hung out at Studio 54 back then. She was a darling of the stars wasn’t she?”

  “That was me,” Tess said proudly. “I was one hot grandma.”

  “You outlived just about everyone else who hung out there.”

  “Yeah, and the Studio 54 regulars who are still around, like Mick Jagger, look worse than I do.”

  “Do you still hit the clubs?”

  “Not much anymore. Young people these days are too prejudiced against old people. You have to look like them, act like them, be them. They treat us old people either like we’re invisible or garbage. I hate kids today. Back in the ‘seventies you could be old and wrinkled as long as you were willing to be outrageous—think about Andy Warhol and all the misfits he picked up. I hung out at The Factory too. Oh, I could tell you some stories.”

  “Do you ever take revenge on those kids?” I asked. “I know you could.”

  “I won’t answer that question right now. Suffice it to say I go to the local B.A..”

  “I go to B.A. meetings in New York. I’m a sponsor.” Sheldon eagerly reported.

  “I’ve had some bad moments, where I lost control,” Tess said sadly. “But since we bought the farm it’s much easier to stay out of trouble. The animals meet our needs. Your mom and her friends will join us at the farm. It will be easier for them since we’ve paved the way.”

  We were so busy chatting that I barely noticed when Sheldon turned into the cemetery and drove up to the mausoleum where Mom was entombed.

  “This is nice,” Tess said admiringly. “I was buried underground. Very messy.”

  “Who buried you?”

  “My daughter, she’s the one who turned me. She happened to have a big farm in upstate New York so it was easy. She keeps a burial ground for vampires going through the change. It’s not easy here in Florida. Every square foot of space is a condo complex or a swamp. You don’t want the coffin to be flooded.”

  “I wonder if that’s where the expression ‘bought the farm’ came from?”

  “Could be,” said Tess.

  “Here it is,” I announced.

  We got out of the truck and Sheldon opened the mausoleum with the key. It occurred to me that even if the key didn’t work we had two vampires who could break in.

  “Does anyone have a flashlight?” I asked. The night before we’d used a flashlight to find our way around inside.

  “Damn, I forgot the flashlight,” Sheldon said. “I don’t need it and neither does Tess. We can see easily in the dark. Unfortunately it’s too dark inside for you to see anything.”

  “That’s OK,” I said quickly, only too relieved to be off the hook. I was terrified of opening that coffin, having no idea what I’d find inside. “I’ll wait outside.”

  Tess and Sheldon went in together while I sat on a bench. After about a half hour I hadn’t heard a sound and wondered what was happening.

  “What’s going on in there?” I yelled.

  “Don’t worry, Rhoda,” Tess yelled back. “Your Mom’s OK, she’s alive, or rather undead. She’s just taking some time to regain consciousness. It’s not instantaneous when they rise, especially if they’re old. Everything is slower when you’re old, vampire or human.”

  “Rhoda, is that you out there, Honey?” Mom’s voice rang out, much louder than I’d heard it for a long time.

  “Yes, Mom, I’m out here waiting. Are you OK?”

  “I guess so.”

  She emerged from the mausoleum a few minutes later looking pretty much like herself—her old self. In the moonlight I saw her walking towards me with a determined stride that she hadn’t had for a long time. I’d gotten so used to her being frail and hesitant that I’d forgotten the powerhouse she used to be. When she was healthy—in her seventies--she’d visit me in New York City and walk for miles while I took the bus. She’d drag me to museums, window shopping, concerts, plays and any other interesting event she saw in the newspaper. I’d have to beg her to slow down so I could take a rest. That was the mom who emerged from the tomb. Her face had a big grin, her eyes twinkled and had even regained their old green color, her hair was the same bleached blonde but shiny not dull. She was still wrinkled, yes, but the wrinkles looked more superficial, they didn’t etch so far into the skin of her face. Her voice was strong and clear again. She looked at least ten years younger. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how terrified I’d been. She was brushing off her dress, followed by Sheldon and Tess.

  “There’s a lot of dirt in that nasty place. How did you find it? Couldn’t you have gotten me into a classier cemetery, or at least a mausoleum that doesn’t look like a bomb shelter that no one has swept for centuries?”

  “Mom, you’ve only been undead for five minutes and already you’re complaining about the accommodations.” I laughed in relief.

  “I am incredibly hungry,” Mom said, sounding somewhat bewil
dered. “I suppose I can’t have any scrambled eggs?”

  Both Tess and Sheldon chimed in with a horrified, “NO!”

  “We’ll take you for some lamb’s blood, Fanny. At least it’s biblical.” Sheldon smiled at his own joke.

  “I’d rather be dead than never eat another bagel.”

  “You are dead, Mom.”

  “I don’t feel dead, Honey. I feel like myself, just a little peppier, and hungrier. I haven’t actually been hungry for a long time. Since I got sick.”

  “It will take some time for you to get used to your new diet, Fanny,” Sheldon said. “Tess and I will help you adjust.”

  “Let me walk around a little first and try out my new youth.”

  She ran away from us, and I mean ran. I hadn’t seen her run since I was in my teens.

  “This is amazing,” she yelled back at us. “I can run and I’m not out of breath.” Then she sat down abruptly, eyes wide with terror. “Omigod I’m not breathing,”

  “Fanny, take it easy,” Sheldon told her. “You have to get used to your new body. It is a totally new body—not the one you had when you were young, but an immortal one. You can breathe if you want to, but you have to practice. There’s a lot of adjustment. It took me months. Psychologically it’s not easy either. You might need therapy.”

  “Therapy? Who would believe me?”

  “There are vampire therapists, Fanny,” Tess told her. “They specialize in vampire problems like SVD.”

  “Is that a sexually transmitted disease?” Mom asked. “I thought we didn’t get sick. That’s why I agreed to this meshuganah plan.”

  “SVD is sociopathic vampire disorder,” Tess informed her gravely. “Some vampires lose their consciences after the change and start thinking of humans as lesser beings whom they can murder or manipulate at will. That’s when they wind up in vampire rehab.”

  “Rehab?” Mom sounded even more bewildered.

  `“Don’t ask! No need to think about that now, Fanny. You have too much to learn about the vampire lifestyle first.”

  “I’m desperately hungry…and thirsty.” Mom whined. “Please, can I get something to eat, or drink I guess it is? How about a glass of water? Can I have water? ”

  I felt terrible for her. She sounded pitiful. I’d never heard Mom beg for food or water before.

  “No, you can’t have water, Fanny. It will make you sick. Let’s get her to the farm, then” Tess answered, directing us all to the van. “We’ve got a ways to drive.”

  Chapter Twenty

  We turned out of the cemetery and hit I-95 North.

  “Where the hell are we going, Tess?” Mom asked.

  “We’re going to Volturi Ranch on lake Okechobee, it’s about a hundred miles northwest of here.”

  “Why so far?” I asked.

  “Florida is too built up around here. We’ve got a huge ranch up there with lots of deer and even exotic animals the original owner imported for hunters. Vampires from all over come down here to hunt. Shel, you might enjoy hunting a deer, but Fanny would probably prefer our tamer sheep and goats.”

  “Don’t underestimate me, Tess,” Mom almost growled. “I’m feeling predatory tonight.”

  “I’d like some coffee and a snack. Is there anything for humans to eat?” I was starving.

  “We’ll find something for you, Rhoda,” Tess said. “You can eat at the casino. The Seminoles have a big one nearby. Did you know that some vampires are really good gamblers? That’s how they get rich. They develop photographic memories and card count. We have to be careful not to get thrown out.”

  “Sheldon, it might be a lot easier to gamble than to cut diamonds for a living?” I suggested.

  “Rhoda, I have a terrible memory and I hate to gamble. I hate games. I can’t even win at Checkers.”

  We stopped at the first gas station we saw. Tess got out to pump.

  “Shouldn’t I do that?” Sheldon asked. .

  “I’m a vampire, not a little old lady. I can pump gas,” Tess huffily replied, grabbing the hose and stuffing it into the tank.

  “Hurry up, why dontcha,” a beefy man with a ponytail yelled from his pickup behind us. There was only one pump and we were at it. He turned to the blonde next to him and sneered, “This old broad is going to take all week to finish pumping gas.”

  I heard a growling from the back and then the door opened and Mom flew at the man, yanking open the door of his truck and instantly latching onto his neck with her teeth. She clung to him and I heard a sucking sound.

  “Mom!” I yelled. “Get back in the car.”

  Sheldon looked horrified and went after her and grabbed her so quickly I barely saw him move. The man held his neck with an expression of horror and disbelief, staring at Mom. I’m sure he had no idea what hit him.

  “Tess, let’s get out of here quick,” Sheldon yelled.

  Tess moved fast, pulling the hose out of the tank and jumping back into the van. Luckily she’d used a credit card.

  We zipped back onto the road and Sheldon turned to Mom. “Fanny, what were you thinking?

  “I wasn’t thinking. I’m so tired of being put down by young people. They think we’re dirt. It was automatic. Plus I’m hungry.”

  “Geez, Mom, you have to control yourself. You could get into a lot of trouble.” I said.

  “You could get us all into trouble, Fanny,” Tess said. “We try to fly under the radar, metaphorically that is.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Mom said, sounding truly remorseful. “I’ll try to control myself from now on. It’s just so strange being in this body. I have impulses I never knew existed.”

  “You’ll learn, Sweetie,” Tess smiled at her. “Just follow what I do.”

  “Mom, give me your dentures. That should make you pretty harmless.”

  She obediently handed them over. I asked Tess, “Do dentures grow fangs? What if you’re a toothless vampire?” I’d noticed that Sheldon’s incisors turned into fangs when he was excited. He hadn’t plunged them into me … yet.

  “We have vampire dentists who make retractable fangs for dentures. When they’re in the vampire’s mouth dentures act like real teeth, but they’re removable. It’s very handy.”

  “Live and learn.” I grimaced. “Or rather die and learn.”

  Mom settled down but still looked pretty unhappy. I held her hand, which seemed to help.

  “Hope you’re not going to go after me, Mom,” I said, trying to make a lame joke.

  “Rhoda, don’t be ridiculous. You’re my daughter. I would never hurt you. I didn’t know what I was doing back there. It was like there was a monster inside me. I wasn’t myself at all. This whole vampire thing isn’t going to be easy.”

  There was a monster inside her. I should have known it, I’d heard the stories at the B.A. meeting. I just assumed she’d be like Sheldon, or Tess. But then both Mom and I had always been compulsive eaters. We’d struggled with our weight our entire lives, except recently because Mom was so sick she’d started losing. I guess human compulsive eaters become vampire compulsive bloodsuckers. I hoped Mom wasn’t going to attack anyone she knew, just strangers. But that was bad enough.

  Eventually we pulled up into a long driveway with a lot of scrubby tress and vegetation and a long low structure that looked like a lodge . No houses were in sight.

  A tall, very handsome, very black man with a Haitian accent came up to the car. “Yo, Miss Tess, I see you got a new lady here? She one of you?”

  I was surprised to see Tess touch and stroke his arm and look up at him flirtatiously. It wasn’t an old lady gesture.

  “This is Fanny, Jean. She’s going to be visiting with me. A couple of her friends are changing soon and they’ll be coming too.”

  “That’s good, Miss Tess. We’ll buy more animals with the money from selling these.”

  “Fanny, do you want to feed now?” Tess asked Mom.

  Mom looked ravenous. We followed Jean to a large barn filled with a variety of animals, from sheep to go
ats to chickens. A young man in a T-shirt, jeans and sandals, with a yarmulke, side curls and fringes hanging out from under his shirt, was standing there waiting for us. Jean introduced him as Rabbi Izzy and told him Sheldon was a former rabbi.

  “Great to meet you, Sheldon,” Izzy said, asking him a lot of questions about what he did and what living in New York was like.

  “I wish you’d come down here and join me. I always have to be here to certify that the animals are kosher. Sometimes I want to go on vacation.”

  I couldn’t do this kind of work. Too bloody.” Sheldon wrinkled his nose and quickly changed the subject. “How did you manage to become a vampire rabbi? Do the local rabbinical authorities know about it?”

  “Of course they don’t, and I certainly wouldn’t tell them, I’d lose my job and possibly worse. They don’t check up on me. Even though there’s nothing non-kosher about what I do. Did you know that for an animal being slaughtered by a vampire is totally humane. They don’t feel a thing.”

  “If you say so,” Sheldon said. “The rats I capture don’t seem too happy about it.”

  “Rats! That’s disgusting. How about a goat?”

  “I’d love one.” Sheldon patted his stomach with enthusiasm.

  “Can I leave please?” I backed away. “I don’t think I could watch you all suck the blood out of these poor little animals.”