Interview With a Jewish Vampire

by Erica Manfred

  If you text a vampire spell out complete words. You are dealing with a being from another time who has no idea what BCNU means, much less : - ). Do not insult his intelligence.

  No tweeting about him—EVER.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I was already on Sheldon’s body clock as the book recommended so I fell asleep and woke up after dark because my phone was ringing. YES! It was Sheldon. I didn’t have to play hard to get. He asked me to come to Crown Heights to visit him. I pretended to be outraged.

  “Sheldon, you want me to get on the subway after dark and go to Brooklyn alone? Aren’t you picking me up?”

  “Sorry, darling, of course I’ll pick you up. I’ll be there in about an hour—the trains are really slow this time of night.”

  Not for the first time, I wished that Sheldon knew how to fly like vampires are supposed to, but I didn’t say anything. I was trying to change my bossy ways. I also didn’t ask if he wanted me to sleep over with him, or if he even had gotten a bed. I didn’t want to sound pushy. I was proud of myself.

  Before he arrived I called mom on the new cell phone that I’d bought her before I left. She’d picked up the basics of using it really quickly, unlike her pre-vampire self who was getting somewhat senile and couldn’t fathom new technology.

  “Rhoda … how nice to hear from you.”

  She sounded a bit formal, like she’d been rehearsing her lines.

  “What’s wrong mom, you sound strange.”

  “It’s been very hectic around here. Tess and Hannah are in the process of changing Ellen and Miriam and I’m helping. So far it’s going fine but you never know what’s going to happen. I’m nervous about someone seeing us leave here with the coffins.”

  “I’m sure it will be fine, Mom, it worked out OK with you.”

  “And then I’m kind of hungry all the time. It’s not like being on Weight Watchers either. I’d love to be back on the point system.” She sounded plaintive.

  “Haven’t you been to the ranch?”

  “Once, after we changed Ellen. But I’m always hungry anyway. Rhoda, I have to admit it--I lust after human blood, and other things.”

  “Are you going to the meetings?” I didn’t ask her what things. I didn’t want to know.

  “Yes, but they’re not very exciting.”

  “Mom, you’re not supposed to be seeking excitement. You’re supposed to be adjusting to your new lifestyle. You’re getting me worried.

  “No need to worry, Honey. I’m fine. Never better, actually. I go swimming every night and Tess and I have gotten to be great friends. She’s going to take us all clubbing soon—as soon as Miriam and Ellen are ready. I’m really looking forward to it.”

  I wasn’t sure it was such a great idea, but I didn’t want discourage her. “Fine. As long as you call me every day and let me know how you’re doing, OK?”

  When Sheldon arrived and suggested we take a train back I wasn’t pleased, but I didn’t say anything. I tactfully asked, “Sheldon, can’t you afford a cab?”

  He looked abashed, like he would have blushed, if vampires could blush. He turned away and said softly. “I’m sorry Rhoda. I can’t. I lost my job because I’ve been out so much. I’m pretty broke.”

  “What? You lost your job? I had no idea.” I felt terrible. Here he was out of work because he’d been helping me turn mom into a vampire. I didn’t have any money either. I hadn’t done any work lately because of all the tumult with Mom, and the inheritance I’d expected wasn’t arriving any time soon. In fact I had no idea how she was going to support herself for eternity. Her teacher’s pension and Social Security would run out eventually. There must be some way they were notified when people passed one hundred or more. She’d have to pretend to die at some point. Unless there was Social Security for vampires. I’d have to ask Tess how the Golden Grandmas supported themselves.

  “That makes two of us, Shel. We’re both broke. We have to come up with a way to make money.”

  “I won’t be broke for long Honey. I never told you but I have a cache of huge antique diamonds I’ve squirreled away over the years. I’m going to start selling them, but it has to be done very discreetly, one by one. You can’t dump a bunch of antique diamonds on the market without anyone noticing.” Sheldon looked a little shifty when talking about his diamonds. They probably weren’t all completely kosher in origin.

  “So you really don’t have to work?” I wanted to know if he had enough for both of us, but that really was too brazen a question, even for my pre-Rules self.

  “Not really. I worked to keep myself busy, but now you’ll keep me busy. I can help you out too, Honey, once I get some of them sold.”

  He answered my question before I asked. What a gentleman.

  The train was freezing and we had to wait a half hour for it. He helped me up the three flights to his apartment, though, which was basically the same dump I saw the first time I visited, except now I didn’t see a coffin, probably because it hadn’t arrived yet. However, he opened the door to the bedroom and showed me there was an actual queen-size bed and heavy curtains, which were pulled back since it was nighttime.

  “Sheldon, you got these for me. I am so pleased.”

  “Actually Goldie ordered them while we were in Florida.”

  “Goldie, I thought she became a statue when you weren’t around.”

  “Well I animated her while I was away so she could do some chores. I want you to meet her. She’s hiding in the kitchen. She’s a bit afraid to meet you.”

  “Why?”

  “She’s shy. She actually doesn’t know any humans personally. Only the ones in stores.”

  He shouted, “Goldieeee!” and she came into the living room.

  Goldie looked like one of the those stout Russian peasant women you see in old photos of Moscow. She was short, wore all black with a babushka on her head. There was no way to tell she wasn’t human unless you looked closely at her complexion which had a pebbly texture, kind of like stone, but it could also have just been acne scars. The letters on her forehead were barely visible when she was animated. Her arms and legs were huge—they looked a lot bigger than I remembered--and she lumbered rather than walked. She glared at me unsmilingly when Sheldon introduced us.

  “Goldie, this is Rhoda. You said you wanted to meet her.” Sheldon sounded uncomfortable.

  “We never have a woman in the house, it’s forbidden to a Jew unless he’s married. Sheldon is not supposed to even look at a woman, especially a human woman,” Goldie glared at me. Her voice was gravely, like her face, and she spoke with a really thick Yiddish accent. I had to resist the urge to turn and run out of the apartment. Goldie was more than intimidating—she was frightening.

  “Goldie.” Sheldon addressed her sternly, seemingly unintimidated by her. “You never brought this up before. There have been women over. Remember Tzeitl?”

  “Vampires and golems don’t count, they’re not real women. No human women, especially not ones dressed like her.” She emphasized the “her” scornfully. “What happened to Tzeitl, she was such a sweet, modest girl from the old country, one of our kind, I thought you were going to marry her.”

  Sheldon never mentioned women of any kind., much less a “Tzeitl” who he planned to marry. Who the hell was she? I wanted to start interrogating him immediately but zippered my mouth mentally. These goddamned Rules were hell to follow.

  “Goldie, you are my golem, not my mother. You do my bidding not the other way around.” He didn’t sound like he believed it, more like he was saying the words for my benefit.

  Goldie was not impressed. She made a loud “harrumph” wheeled around and walked back to the kitchen.

  “What’s her problem?” I was bewildered. “I thought she wanted to meet me?”

  “Well she did, but probably just to find out if you were the hussy she suspected you were. She’s very old-fashioned, I’m really sorry. She acts like my mother.” Sheldon said apologetically, but not that apologetically, He sound
ed faintly proud that Goldie was so overprotective. He probably missed having a mother like all Jewish boys do.

  “Why don’t you de-animate her like you did the first time I visited?”

  “Shhh,” Sheldon whispered loudly. “ I don’t want her to hear you, she’ll be furious. De-animating Goldie is like throwing your mom out of the house, she gets extremely insulted and never lets me hear the end of it. I only do it when I really have to.”

  “Oh,” I said, disappointed. I was determined not to pressure him anymore, so I just stood there, waiting for him to make the next move. I wished he’d explain Tzeitl. I was desperate to grab him and drag him into the bedroom but I wasn’t anxious to have sex with Goldie glowering in the next room.

  “Why don’t we go back to your apartment, Rhoda.”

  I wasn’t about to argue with this—it was what I wanted him to do in the first place, but I did also want to meet the rest of his mishpucah like he promised.

  “How about Herschel? Doesn’t he live upstairs? You were going to introduce me? And how about the rest of your minyan, the Hasidic scholars you study with? Where are they?”

  “Let’s just go, Rhoda. I don’t want to push my luck. I need to talk to them first, tell them about you. I thought Goldie would help me out with that but she’s being impossible. I have to talk to her alone about it, but not now.”

  “But I promised Charlene I’d fix her up with a vampire.”

  Sheldon gave a very long sigh. “The chance of any vampires in my minyan dating a shiksa is remote. You’re going to have to find her a goyishe vampire. Let’s get out of here.”

  I was relieved to leave—we’d be a lot more comfortable at my apartment, or at least I’d be more comfortable—but I was still uneasy. How were we going to combine our worlds? The Upper East Side secular Jewish world and the Crown Heights Hasidic vampire world. Could any two milieus be more different? Well, it could be a lot worse—what if I were a devout Catholic? At least we were both Jewish.

  Sheldon marched into the kitchen and I heard him say coldly, “Goldie, I’m disappointed with you. We’re leaving. I will let you remain animated because you have chores to do, but unless you change your attitude you will lose your shopping privileges. Do you understand?”

  “You should be so lucky, you shmuck,” she barked from the kitchen. “You couldn’t get near enough to erase my Aleph.” She marched past me out the front door, slamming it on her way out.

  “I don’t seem to have much control over the women in my life.” Sheldon shrugged helplessly. “You are all a strong-willed bunch.”

  “Now that she’s gone, why don’t we try out the new bed in your bedroom.”

  “You have a one-track mind, my little knaydlach.”

  “Is that how you think of me, as a dumpling? Short, round and what else?”

  “Soft and juicy of course,” he added, holding out my coat. “I think we need to leave. Goldie will be back any minute. Golems have no innate inhibitions. They’ll say or do anything. She will walk right in on us and start lecturing me when I have my pants down. If anything could ruin the mood, she could.”

  The last thing I wanted to do was face the cold winter night again, but I didn’t argue—again, obeying the Rules—and I followed him out the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  When we got back to my place it was still early—for us that is. It was only midnight. Despite all the traveling I was glad Sheldon had come back with me. I felt so much more comfortable in my own apartment with my own bed, plus I had a stocked refrigerator, or I did before I went to Florida. I surprised him with the blackout curtains that I’d asked Charlene to buy and hang while we were in Florida. She had terrific taste—they were gorgeous faux suede in a subtle rose that matched the tea roses on the rug. Sheldon couldn’t have cared less about the color of curtains or the rug.

  “I’d like to get back home tonight, Rhoda,” he said almost as soon as we walked in the door.” I hope you don’t mind. I have a lot to do after being away for so long.” He sounded distant, as if he was thinking of other things, like maybe Tzeitl. A wave of jealousy and disappointment came over me, but I kept my mouth shut.

  “We still have time before I need to leave, though,” he grabbed me. “It’s been a while.”

  It had only been two days but for us that was a long time. Sheldon seemed distracted. Instead of being gentle and taking his time like he usually did, he actually got rough with me, throwing me down on the bed, stripping off my jeans and entering me from behind. It was quite thrilling actually—kind of kinky. I wondered if he ever did kinky stuff like spanking or bondage. I decided to get some velvet ropes and discreetly tie them to the bedposts. Maybe he’d ask what they were for and I could make a subtle suggestion that he tie me up. Being ravaged by a vampire while totally helpless to resist was a vivid feature of my fantasy life.

  “Do you like it this way?” he whispered in my ear.

  I wished he hadn’t asked me. That kind of took the thrill out of being taken against my will.

  “Do me baby,” I whispered back huskily.

  “What? What does ‘do me’ mean?”

  “Geez, Sheldon, forget about it. Just don’t stop.”

  He didn’t stop until I finally collapsed on the bed. I just loved that he could last long enough to make me come over and over. I rolled over on my back and hugged him to me. “I love you, darling.”

  He didn’t say anything back, just stroked my hair. That was nerve-wracking. No, I did not ask. But I wondered what happened to the effusive lover he had been in Florida.

  “Rhoda, I need to go soon. I need to feed before dawn. I’m really hungry. I miss the farm in Florida. I’m stuck hunting rats in the subway again. Or homeless people. ”

  At my expression of alarm he laughed and said he was kidding.

  “Maybe we can buy a farm in upstate New York someday,” I’d always wanted to move to Woodstock.

  “I can’t leave the City. But we’ll figure something out. I’m thinking of keeping live animals at the Dominican Market in Brooklyn. There are some Santeria practitioners who might keep them for me. I might have to participate in a ceremony or two, but it would be worth it.”

  He’d traveled to Florida, so he had left the City before. It wasn’t Goldie, he could de-animate her. Or could he? Maybe he could give her to Herschel for safekeeping. Maybe he was still seeing Tzeitl. I was burning to ask. I remembered the sob stories he’d given me about being so lonely he wanted to kill himself. Was he making that up?

  Sheldon gave me a peck on the cheek when he left and didn’t seem to notice that I just stood there, not responding. “Don’t slam the outside door on your way out, you don’t want to wake the neighbors,” I warned

  “Ok, bye.”

  Not an “I’ll call you,” or when he wanted to see me again, or what our plans were for the future, our next date. After he left I flung myself on the sofa and started weeping. That’s the problem with the Rules, you wind up weeping on sofas. I made myself a vodka martini and continued weeping, turned on HBO and caught up on episodes of True Blood. I wished I had a vampire boyfriend like Bill who was so faithful and adoring—the only thing that kept him and Sookie apart was that he kept getting kidnapped by werewolves or other vampires. Oh, and he almost killed her. Little things. . Every time poor Bill turned around someone was cutting him up or draining his blood. True Blood made me feel grateful my vampire and his minyan were too religious for those kinds of shenanigans. Or at least I hoped they were.

  Someone knocked on the door and then walked in. Charlene; She heard the TV and figured I was home.

  “Rhoda, why didn’t you call to tell me you were back? I’ve called your cell a million times but you never answered. I was getting really worried. What happened in Florida? C’mon, give.”

  She saw what I was watching and knew better than to turn off the TV in the middle of True Blood so she sat down and waited for it to be over.

  Then I told her the entire story. I hadn’t realiz
ed how crazy it all was until I actually described the details. Then I told her what had just happened with Sheldon and that I was following the Rules because I didn’t want to lose him.

  “About time, Rhoda.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I was insulted.

  “Well, I never wanted to say anything but now that you’ve come to the conclusion yourself, I will tell you that you have run off a few guys with the Rhoda Training Program.”

  “What?”

  “You know, you want to make them over, uncover their hidden potential, turn them into suitable mates. I think you’ve finally found someone you can’t change. He’s more likely to change you—into a vampire.”

  I sulked for a while but finally admitted she had a point. “So now what do I do?”

  “Nothing.”

  “I can’t do nothing. It’s not in my nature. That’s why I hate the goddamned Rules.”

  “OK, if you don’t hear from him soon I’ll take you to Emma, the most powerful witch I know. She will cast a spell for you. Her spells just about always work, so you do have to be careful what you ask for.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I held out for about twenty-four hours and was about to pick up my cell phone when I saw Sheldon’s number on my caller id. He’d actually tried to get me the night before and I’d missed his call. Dammit. Or maybe it was a good thing. I was being fetchingly unavailable for a change even if it was only by accident, or by AT&T’s bad coverage. I wanted to call back immediately but it was only 4 p.m. and he wasn’t up yet. I couldn’t call Mom either. I’d been worrying about her too. It was getting to the point that all my significant others were vampires and couldn’t be contacted during the day. Except for Charlene who was at work. Which was what I should be doing. I hadn’t pitched any stories since getting back from Florida three days ago and my bank balance was pitifully low. I decided to capitalize on my real life vampire experience and pitch a story to—whom? Who would publish a story about real life vampires? I thought for a while. I’d pitched an editor I knew at Cosmo on “Are Vampires Better in Bed?” and had the assignment immediately. I could write about fictional vampires as well as my own experiences. I started by researching S&M for the intro and before I knew it, it was dark.