Interview With a Jewish Vampire

by Erica Manfred

  “What are they going to see from the door?” I asked.

  “We are going in, sweetheart,” Divine drawled. “We do not buy drugs that we don’t sample first and we don’t sample drugs on the street. No one suspects drag queens, Honey, we’re so visible we’re invisible. Outrageousness comes in handy sometimes.”

  Divine and Morticia jumped out of the van as if they were wearing sneakers not six-inch wedgies, pulled down their mini-skirts modestly as they exited, then strolled casually up to the house and rang the bell. I saw a man answer and after a few words, let them in. It was really lucky someone was home. But then someone had to be home to watch Mom and Miriam, if they were there.

  We sat in the van for a half hour waiting for Divine and Morticia. I chewed my fingernails to the quick, a habit I thought I’d stopped long ago. Sheldon cadged a cigarette from Hedwig and lit up, which I’d never seen him do. Eva leaned against the window and snoozed. She was the calmest of us all.

  After what seemed more like an hour the two drag queens came strolling back to the van, just as casually as they’d gone in.

  “We smoked some damned good pot with those creeps,” Morticia reported matter of factly as she climbed into the van, “but we didn’t see anything suspicious. Wanna hit?” She passed a joint to Hedwig.

  My heart started beating wildly and I had to force myself not to start shrieking. I was devastated.

  “She’s got to be in there. She just has to be.”

  “She is,” Sheldon said, putting his arm around my shoulder. “I can feel it. We just need to go in and get her.”

  “How do you suggest we do that?” I asked him sarcastically, immediately regretting my tone. It wasn’t his fault Mom had been kidnapped, or worse, by two drug dealers.

  “Did they have any weapons?” Hedwig asked.

  “Oh yes they did,” Divine told her. “One of them was wearing a shoulder holster with an automatic, and the other had a gun stuck into his waistband. These characters weren’t shy about carrying. I think they shoot first and ask questions later. Luckily they weren’t threatened by us.”

  “I’m going to glamour them,” Sheldon said a little too slowly. “I know I can do it.”

  “Why don’t you sound more sure about that, Shel?” I asked.

  “I haven’t got any practice. I don’t use the skill often. I told you, it’s not ethical.”

  “I think it’s our best shot,” Hedwig said. “We are not packing automatic weapons, although we’ve all got small pistols in our purses, but even if we were, going in and shooting it out is going to bring the cops, not to speak of casualties.”

  “We need a strategy if it’s going to work,” Sheldon added. “There are two of them and I can’t glamour them both at once. If I do it to one with the other one listening we’re dead.”

  “I got an idea,” Divine said. “One of them, I think it was Jesus, was really coming on to me. He was very hot after my big booty. I’ll go back in alone and seduce Jesus--hey that rhymes—pretend I just couldn’t resist his charms so I ditched my girlfriend and came back. I’ll get him into the bedroom and do him every which way—he will be flying—I am really good. I’ll make sure he’s naked, stoned, and his gun is stashed somewhere. Then in about a half hour Sheldon will come to the door and pretend to be my boyfriend who’s jealous and looking for me. He’ll glamour Moses and find out where Mom and Miriam are.

  “What if Jesus hears the bell ring, or a conversation?” I asked.

  “I’ll make sure to include an instruction to tell him it was a customer if he hears anything,” Sheldon said.

  “Then what?” I asked.

  “Sheldon comes back to the car and we strategize based on what he finds out.”

  “Well it is a plan,” Hedwig said, raising her eyebrows doubtfully. “It better work or we’re gunshot statistics tomorrow. ”

  “It will work,” I said forcefully. “I have faith in Sheldon.” Whether or not that was true, I wanted him to think I did.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Divine went in first, we waited a half hour as instructed, and then Sheldon rang the bell and was let in. He took his time glamouring Moses, while I sat in the van biting my cuticles because I’d run out of fingernails. My fingers were starting to look like they’d been through a shredder.

  He came back with a big shit-eating grin on his face. “I did it, I actually glamoured the guy. I’m a real vampire, I can fly and I can glamour. What’s next I wonder?”

  “Maybe you can get a job on True Blood. They need a real vampire. I hear the pay is great.” I was incredibly relieved that he’d come back in one piece.

  “Can the repartee, dudes,” Hedwig said. “We have a rescue mission to accomplish.”

  “What show is that from?” I turned to her

  “Where are Fanny and Miriam, Sheldon? How do we get them out?” Hedwig asked.

  “They’re in there alright, in the back bedroom on the right down the hall, but I don’t know how to get them out past that goon with his guns. I saw at least three firearms in plain sight. I made him forget that I was there and found out where they are, but he won’t forget to shoot anyone who tries to get them.”

  “We have to case the joint,” said Eva. “There’s got to be a back entrance. All these Florida ranches have back doors, to patios.”

  “That sounds too easy,” I said. “Wouldn’t everything be locked?”

  “We have a vampire here.” Sheldon raised his hand. “Superior strength, can break down doors with a single kick.”

  “That’s pretty noisy,” Eva said. “We don’t want Moses to start spraying us with his Uzi.”

  “Superior stealth,” Sheldon added triumphantly. “Can open locks quietly with a single Swiss Army knife. Give me that little one you carry in your purse, Rhoda. I’ll spring the lock.”

  “That is not a vampire talent,” I said, handing him the knife. “Where did you learn it?”

  “I’ve had to sneak into a lot of places in my day…and night. Don’t ask!”

  “Let’s get going,” Hedwig said. “This is the plan. Sheldon and Eva, you case out the back of the house, get in that way and get the ladies out. I will go to the front and tell Moses I’m looking for Divine. Then I’ll make a lot of noise, screeching and carrying on about her sleeping with Jesus. I’ll try to seduce Moses, or at least distract him while you two get the ladies out.”

  “How about me? What do I do?”

  “You stay in the car,” Hedwig told me. “You don’t have super strength, super stealth or tranny police training. We don’t want you getting shot at.”

  “But that’s my mother in there. She needs to see me. I need to get her out.”

  “She’ll see Sheldon. She knows him, he’ll tell her you’re waiting for her in the car.”

  “That won’t work. She’ll need to see me. I know her.”

  “Someone needs to stay in the car. I guess that’s you then, Eva. Rhoda and Sheldon will get the ladies out. They’re vampires after all, they won’t need much help. Eva, you stay behind the wheel.”

  I didn’t remind her that I wasn’t a vampire.

  Eva nodded. “I’m the best driver anyway. I once drove the Indy 500.”

  “How do we coordinate our exit?” I wanted to know. “There are two of you in the front of the house and four in the back, including Mom and Miriam.”

  “When you all get to the van with the ladies, call my cell,” Hedwig said. “I’ll have it in my pocket set to vibrate. I’ll make sure Divine is out of there too. Once the ladies disappear they’ll suspect her.”

  “Smart,” I said. “Do you do this often?”

  “More often than you want to know. I’m in the tranny police myself, we do a lot of search and rescue. In fact we’ve worked with Metro-Dade police on gay bashing cases.”

  “Someday you’ll have to tell me all about that,” I said. “But for now please get Mom.”

  Hedwig got out first and rang the front bell. I could hear her shrieking dramatically
about Divine as soon as Moses answered. That piercing soprano would have covered the sound of a drive-by shooting.

  Sheldon and I crept around to the back and he opened the back door in about a second. It was one of those doors with a simple push-button lock and he sprung it open easily. When we got in, we spotted the back bedroom immediately since it was the only bedroom in the back. This was not a big house. The door on that room wasn’t locked, it opened easily, and there were Mom and Miriam sitting on a couch watching TV. They looked perfectly comfortable and relaxed, not the least bit kidnapped against their will. They were both wearing Goth costumes, however, which made them look pretty weird. I put my forefinger to my pursed lips, indicating they should keep quiet, but they didn’t say a word at first. Mom didn’t look startled at all. Miriam looked surprisingly calm as well.

  “Where have you been, Rhoda?” Mom whispered sternly in her schoolteacher voice. “It certainly took you a long time to get here and rescue us.”

  I was stunned. How did she know we were coming? Or that we’d ever come?

  “Let’s get going mom, we’ll talk about it later.”

  We all crept out the back and got into the van without alarming Moses or Jesus. Mom and Miriam were in the last row of seats, Sheldon and I in front of them, and the side door was open so Hedwig and Divine could jump quickly into the front row. Now, however, the difficult part was coming—getting Hedwig and Divine out of there without arousing suspicion. We didn’t say a word in the van. I called Hedwig’s cell and listened to it ring repeatedly. Then we waited, Eva at the wheel. I started picking my feet. This was a horrible habit I usually kept secret, but my fingers were picked clean.

  After about ten minutes Divine and Hedwig strolled out, followed by Moses and Jesus. I heard Jesus ask, “Who the hell is in that van?” He turned to Moses and said, “Check on the old ladies.”

  Hedwig and Divine started running towards us. Unfortunately, the house was set back pretty far from the road so they had a ways to go, over a broken concrete walk. They were surprisingly fast and agile despite their high heels. I held my breath as they jumped into the van. Eva immediately hit the gas. It was an old wreck so it didn’t get going very fast, but we did manage to pull out before Jesus appeared at the front of the house with a large automatic rifle. He started running after us and spraying the van with bullets. Mom and Miriam were in the most jeopardy since they were in the back. Sure enough the next second I heard Mom yell “Rhoda, I’ve been hit! I’m bleeding. Stop the car.”

  Eva did not stop, she sped up as fast as the van could go, and eventually the shots stopped.

  I was terrified for Mom. I had no idea what to do, but Sheldon immediately reassured me, “Rhoda, she’s a vampire. If she can yell, she’s not mortally wounded. It’s very hard to kill a vampire. She will heal very quickly.”

  “Mom, hang on,” I shouted as I turned around. “We’ll be out of here soon and we’ll get your wounds tended to. You’re a vampire, you’ll be fine. “

  Sheldon turned around too and reiterated what I’d said, talking to her in a calm, reassuring voice. I could see Mom holding her shoulder, which was bleeding profusely, and groaning in pain. I felt horrible. I wished it were me who’d been hit, even though I wasn’t a vampire. My own mom—a gunshot victim. I felt guilty even though this time it really wasn’t my fault. Well, it was my fault because I’d had her turned into a vampire.

  Miriam was looking for something to staunch the wound. I handed back a package of antiseptic wipes, which was all I had, and Sheldon gallantly took off his shirt and gave it to Miriam.

  I had no idea where to take Mom. A hospital was out of the question. Who knew what they’d make of her? Century was much too far away. Sheldon called Tess, who was staying in Miami with Rachel, a Golden Grandma. Tess agreed that they would tend to Mom. The van dropped us off there. Before leaving I gave Hedwig a huge hug, mumbled something about being eternally grateful, and promised to call before we left for New York. She hugged me back. “I should thank you. Tonight was more fun than I’ve had in months.”

  Divine chimed in, “That Jesus was hot. Too bad he’s a stone cold killer or I’d go back for more.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  By the time we got to Rachel’s apartment, Mom was barely walking. Sheldon lifted her in his arms and walked up the one flight in the Miami condo on Collins Avenue. Rachel, a tall, slim Grandma in a chic linen dress opened the door, smiled and graciously ushered us in. I couldn’t imagine her hanging out in Goth clubs. I noticed how stylishly decorated her place was—with a Southwestern theme--colorful couch pillows, burnt orange walls and Spanish tile flooring. There was none of the squishy pastel furniture or beige rugs you found in Century. That was just as well because Mom was bleeding on the floor. Tile would be easier to clean.

  “Put her in here.” Tess gestured to a dark bedroom. As we watched, she cleaned up the wound, put a bandage over it, and said, “Fanny, go to sleep now. It’s almost dawn. By tomorrow night you will be healed. Don’t worry about it. The pain will also subside very quickly if you just relax.”

  “What about the bullet? Don’t we have to remove it?” I asked, trying to summon up whatever knowledge I had of emergency medicine from watching Grey’s Anatomy for years.

  “If it’s still in there it will come out by itself,” Tess said confidently. “Vampires automatically expel foreign matter and are not vulnerable to bacteria. There’s only one problem. She’s going to be ravenously hungry when she wakes up. Miriam probably is ravenous now, but she’s too polite to say so. Luckily Hannah is on duty at Miami-Dade Memorial. I’ll ask her to bring us some blood from the blood bank. We don’t like to do it, because technically it’s stealing, but this is an emergency.”

  I relaxed in relief. Tess, as usual, had everything under control.

  “Sheldon, I need to rest myself. And it’s bedtime for you too.”

  “Here’s your bedroom, I prepared it beforehand.” Rachel showed us to a bedroom with a huge king-size bed. I couldn’t see much more because it was so dark. “The blackout curtains are drawn. Everything is ready for you,” she said.

  I tried to thank her but she shushed me. “If we Golden Grandmas don’t stick together we’re sunk. Do you know what happened to her and Miriam? How she wound up kidnapped by drug dealers?”

  “I haven’t had time to ask. I guess we’ll have to wait until she wakes up.”

  As soon as Sheldon and I got into bed I wrapped myself around him and started crying.

  “Oh baby, it’ll be OK, Mom will be OK, I promise.”

  “It will never be OK. She’s going to be a vampire forever and have to struggle with hunger and desires she never had before. She’s looks old but feels young, that’s a hell of a built-in dilemma. Mom is so headstrong, I’m afraid she’ll keep on getting into trouble.”

  “We’ll keep a closer eye on her from now on,” Sheldon promised.

  “How will we do that? I hardly ever see you when we’re home.”

  “That’s going to change too,” Sheldon took my face and kissed me. “A lot of things will change when we get back. There are a lot of things I haven’t told you. It’s time for me to tell you the truth.”

  Suddenly I realized how much constant anxiety about our relationship had been plaguing me, how much misery I was in from never knowing what was going to happen from week to week, when he would show up, when he would disappear. The possibility that Sheldon was going to open up with me, be there for me, that things would change, lifted a burden from my heart, relieved an ache so persistent that I hadn’t even known it was there. I’d somehow learned to live with that pain—to almost ignore it. Suddenly I felt for the first time in a long time that maybe we could be happy together.

  “You mean that, Sheldon? Will you tell me what’s been going on with you? What’s been keeping you from making a commitment?”

  “Yes, Rhoda, I’ll tell you, but not now, not until we’ve got your mom sorted out and I figure out a few other things about my li
fe in Crown Heights.”

  “I have stuff to tell you too, secrets I’ve been keeping.”

  Sheldon smiled at me and raised his eyebrows, “I’m sure you have. I can’t be the only one with secrets.”

  “Let’s make a pledge to stop keeping secrets from each other from now on.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far, Rhoda. I’m a vampire. There are things about me you don’t want to know, that I’ll never tell you until …”

  “Until when?”

  “Let’s not talk about that now.”

  I knew he was referring to me becoming a vampire someday, something which we had never actually discussed. I knew it was something I wanted when I lost enough weight. I knew it was something he didn’t want, both the weight loss and me changing into a vampire. But how would we deal with me getting old, or marriage, or any of that unless I became one. But if I did would he love me as much? He always said he loved my being human. And then there was another secret, one I’d never brought up with him and hardly ever admitted to myself. I wanted a child. Yes, I was forty-one but that wasn’t too late, lots of women had babies after forty. Could vampires father children? Or would I have to have in vitro with a human sperm donor? Did he want a child? How could I become a vampire and be the mother of a human child? Was there such a thing as a half-vampire, half-human? A demi-demon perhaps? Bella had a baby with Edward, maybe I could have one with Sheldon. There were too many goddamned questions and no answers, at least not yet.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Mom woke up the next night ravenous for blood, as predicted.

  “I need the elixir of life!” she shouted from the bedroom. “I am parched. I feel like I am trudging across the desert seeking an oasis.”

  “Can the hyperbole, Mom,” I shouted back. “Tess is getting you and Miriam some blood. You’re both in the doghouse here so watch it. You almost got us all killed.”