Make Believe Wife

by Berri Fox

The only explanation for all this being dropped on the floor like this is that she heard me. It all comes together with terrible clarity, Roxy hurrying up the hallway, pausing when she heard me on the phone. She listened while I mercilessly painted her as a terrible criminal, then ran like hell. Shit!

  I’m utterly mortified now. Panic rises in me and I gather up the stuff, shoving it just inside the door.

  I have to call the cops back. I’m still freaking out because now she’s gone for good and I’ll never find her. Even though the cops would, I can’t let her be accused of a crime she didn’t commit. I was conflicted enough about it when I thought she did take the money.

  Thankfully, I get a different person when I call in and I don’t have to sound too ditzy. Yes, its okay, I found the money, sorry for wasting your time. The lady says no problem, it happens all the time.

  I want to cry but I don’t have time for that. I’m not used to being full of emotion like this but I’m getting there. I need to think, where would she go?

  I grab my phone and start searching. I scribble down a note or two, screenshotting the addresses of the major travel hubs. I didn’t realize there were so many. I’ve never travelled by bus, rarely by train and I don’t think Roxy would go to the airport.

  It will take me hours to check them all, I might not get it done in one night. Then she’d be gone, no address and I could forget about her answering the phone.

  All I can do is get to the closest ones and hope that she hasn’t left yet.

  I fall briefly down a rabbit hole of wondering how Roxy chooses her destinations. Is it just the first train or bus leaving town? Then I think about how she most likely doesn’t have any money and she’d probably need a few days work at least.

  I would have less luck figuring out her job than I would her destination! Roxy is full of stories about her previous jobs. I have no idea how she finds these wacky, off the wall employment opportunities, but if there was a carnival in town, that would be the first place I’d look.

  I run to my room to quickly put on jeans and a sweater. On my way through the kitchen, I take a moment to put the food and drinks away. I don’t want it spoiling here on the floor and if I do find her, we can share this stuff when we come back.

  If I find her. If she comes back. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t come back. I’ve done a really crappy thing here and I know it.

  Touching each item brings up images of sitting on the couch sharing this with her. Hearing her laugh and feeling my body pressed against her. She can’t be gone. She can’t be. Nothing has ever made me feel this way—nothing has ever made me feel at all.

  Putting the snacks away I find a bag of gummy bears and some candy bars at thievery bottom of the bag. Roxy has very carefully selected the snacks I like and gotten just a couple for herself. High sugar, high fat, no nutritional value. How does she stay so skinny? I appreciate the effort she’s gone to in choosing, making sure tonight was all about me.

  It kind of breaks my heart a little. She’s so thoughtful.

  Once I’ve put the stuff away, I stand by the door quickly scrolling over the addresses. I don’t want to go out. Those places will be crowded with people and I’m not good with people, let alone mobs of them.

  I know I’m stalling. I’m just afraid I won’t find her.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s Rachel.

  “Hello, Rachel?”

  “Yeah Helen, its me.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Do you know that Roxy girl? The one we had to kick out?”

  “Yes.” My heart flips and crash lands.

  “She’s here.”

  “Where?”

  “At the Nook.”

  “You let her back in?”

  “I haven’t had a chance. She hasn’t asked. She’s just hanging around out front.”

  “Oh.” I don’t know what to make of this, but I’m frantic. I have to get down there.

  “Is there any way you can keep her there?” I practically shout.

  “I don’t think she’s going anywhere, but sure. If she moves around, I’ll ask her in. I’m sorry Helen, but after last time I don’t feel like letting her in. Some of the patrons were pretty pissed.”

  “I totally get it. I’m on my way. Hey, Rach?”

  “Yeah Helen?”

  “Why did you think to call me?”

  “I saw her leave with you that night. Also… She’s wearing your clothes.”

  I can practically hear her winking and a laugh bursts out of me.

  “I’m glad you’re finally happy, Helen.” Rachel sounds surprised. “We were all starting to think it wouldn’t happen for you. Now get that curvy butt down here and get your girl!”

  I don’t need to be told twice. I’m practically flying out the door seconds later.

  Twenty-Eight

  Roxanne

  I bolted down that hallway and down the stairs like a maniac. I went so hard on the stairs I’m amazed that I didn’t break my neck. I went past the doorman so fast he didn’t even have time to tip his hat.

  Out on the street, I look up and down, not sure which way to go. I have no money, no backpack, just Helen’s fairly tame clothes. I’ve been in worse situations than this, I just have to get some work somewhere and once I’ve made a few bucks I can hop a bus.

  I pick a direction and start walking. If I come across a bus terminal, I might be able to sneak on and stowaway to the next stop. Getting out of here, that’s the only thing that counts.

  My expectations, my beautiful evening ruined, that’s enough to crush me. But knowing that Helen called the cops, that she thinks I could steal from her—these thoughts break me in a way I didn’t think possible.

  This is why I don’t get involved. This is why I keep moving on. Not even Karen hurt me like this.

  People brush past me and even though I’m walking slowly and almost crying, no one pays me any attention. I’m starting to get cold in just a blouse and slacks and that’s when I remember Dad’s jacket.

  I stop suddenly and someone behind me swears. I start walking again straight away, because I’m not ready to just turn around and go back. I didn’t mind losing my pack too much or the few items in it, but I want my jacket back.

  I really, really don’t want to face Helen. I don’t see how I can. Most of my life I’ve been well equipped for people to knife me from behind, this time I know I won’t go at her like an angry cat. No. Not this time.

  I know I’ll cry, I’ll just dissolve. I’ll be weak and vulnerable in front of her and that is why I’m running.

  I don’t want to be that weak.

  I consider leaving town without Dad’s jacket, but I know I can’t do that. I suppose I could go into Helen’s work and try and see her there. It might encourage us both not to make a scene.

  What will she do when she sees the stuff? I kind of wish I had busted through the door and thrown it in her face, creamy seafood sauce and all. She’ll find it soon enough. Then she’ll know that I’m not a thief.

  Will she feel bad? Or will she just shrug and say, hey. That gutter rat was going to betray me sooner or later.

  I thought what we had was real, but if she could really think I stole that money… When I got worried she would see I’d taken it all, I thought it would just make our fight that much worse. I never considered that she would believe me capable of crime.

  I look around and I see that I’ve come too far not paying attention and now I have no idea where I am. Some of the buildings look slightly familiar and I follow the street, wondering where life is taking me now.

  I rub my arms, thinking about Dad’s jacket. Thinking about Dad. He wanted me to be happy. I thought I was happy but now I really don’t know.

  My feet stop and my inner compass twitches. I look up.

  I’m at the Cozy Nook.

  I just stare at the sign. I don’t know how I ended up here, I certainly didn’t plan to. I move away a few steps, leaning on a nearby light pole. No way am I even going to try
to get in. The odds of Helen coming down here are pretty slim, especially tonight.

  I stand there for some time, wondering what I’m waiting for. I want to explain, I just don’t know how Helen’s feeling right now. I’m hoping that seeing the money returned and the things I bought have changed her mind, but I don’t know, do I? She might just be pissed that I took anything at all without asking.

  Cars hum on their way by and I try not to look up. When a cab growls to a halt nearby, I don’t look up. It’s probably just one of the fancy girls from downstairs coming in late.

  “Roxy?”

  I look up in disbelief.

  “Helen?”

  “Oh, I’m so glad I found you!” She comes flying across the pavement, arms out. I barely have time to open my own when she falls on me, sweeping me into an enormous bear hug. I’m trying to talk but its all muffled by her hair.

  As we pull apart, she holds out Dad’s jacket.

  “I brought this for you. I’ve never seen you go anywhere without it. I thought it must be important to you.”

  “It is.” I shrug it over my shoulders, pulling it around me. “Thank you.”

  “How about we hit the diner and talk?”

  I’m smiling so hard I think my face is cramping. I nod as I take her hand.

  We walk along and the silence between us is easy and deep. Maybe, we won’t need to explain everything. I’m still really upset about her calling the cops. It’s shaken me up pretty badly.

  When we get to the diner and take our booth, Helen just orders a cup of tea and a berry muffin. It’s only now that I realize her cheesecake and latte from last time were a real step out of her usual.

  I order chicken meat balls, fries, bacon and egg on toast and a slice of cherry pie. Helen laughs and shakes her head. The sound of her laugh is warm and comforting. But there’s something I need to know.

  “Helen. Why did you call the police? Did you really think I would steal from you?”

  She looks down, almost ashamed. Her fingers trace on the cheap plastic table.

  “I can only think of one reason. While I was sitting in my apartment freaking out only one reason made any difference to me at all.”

  I’m fascinated. I didn’t expect this. “Why?”

  Her eyes come up, shimmering green, and meet my own.

  “I had to see you again. I knew that I would never find you by myself—although after I saw the stuff and realized what happened I did try to figure out where you had gone. I didn’t want you to get into any trouble. I just wanted to talk to you. I couldn’t believe you ran off on me.”

  I stare at her, my face frozen. “I didn’t.”

  “I know that now. I’m sorry Roxy, I guess I’m still learning about trust.”

  “Let me tell you something about trust.” I grab a handful of fries as the waitress sets them down. “I’ve never stayed still because I’ve never trusted anyone. Every time I tried, I got screwed over.”

  Helen looks sad and frightened right now and I know she’s probably expecting me to break up with her. She did break my trust.

  “So, all this time, I thought trust was something I had to generate. An effort that I needed to make. I didn’t realize that a situation could come along that made me feel safe, even without me deciding it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that I trust you Helen. Like it or not I trust you… I love you.”

  Silence rings in my ears as Helen blinks at her tears. Our hands find each other across the table.

  “I love you too, Roxy!” Her voice is only a little more than a whisper. “I can’t stand to think of my life without you.”

  I squeeze her hand gently. “Well you won’t have to. I’m not going anywhere. I went out looking for a bus and didn’t make it further than the Nook.”

  “I’m so sorry, Roxy.” Helen looks like she’s about to whip herself.

  “It’s okay, Helen. I only ran because I knew, no matter what you did to me, I was still going to trust you and love you. I knew that the first moment I let you put a rope on me.”

  Memories of that night flow through my mind. It was scary to realize that I trusted someone so much, even against my better judgement. From the first moment I saw her it’s like I didn’t have a choice.

  There was only Helen for me, always. When she squeezes my hand again, I know she feels exactly the same way.

  Twenty-Nine

  Helen

  That moment when we look into each others’ eyes and profess our love might be the most important of my life. After spending my life avoiding high emotion, I never imagined such intensity could come along so softly.

  It’s welling inside me like a wave, taking me over. My skin is tingling, and my bones feel electric. It’s almost as if I should be leaping around, screaming and singing, but I’m completely still.

  So is Roxy. For the first time in her life, completely still.

  I’m frightened by the amount of responsibility that Roxy has just given me. To know that she trusts me, even when she feels like she shouldn’t, puts me in a place of extreme power. I didn’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. I’m afraid of it.

  But I’m not going to turn it down.

  I grin suddenly, squeezing Roxy’s hand.

  “Hey! Waitress!” I yell across the restaurant. “I’m not done ordering.”

  Roxy has a sparkle in her eye, watching me and wondering what’s going on.

  “What’ll you have luv?” The waitress aims her pen at the paper.

  “I want a cheeseburger. With bacon. And onions. I want chili fries. I want some of those fried rolls. And a sundae. Vanilla and chocolate, sprinkles, nuts, fudge. Like seriously, put it in the biggest bowl you have.”

  The waitress raises her eyebrows but says nothing. Roxy is trying to hold in her grin but is failing terribly.

  “Oh, and a soda. A red one. Put some whipped cream on it would you?”

  As the waitress’s eyebrows go right into her hairline she flees back towards the kitchen. Roxy starts laughing and so do I.

  “What’s gotten into you, Helen?”

  “You did.”

  Roxy blushes and looks down. “Come on. I’m just a wild child. I don’t inspire anyone.”

  “But you do.” I grab her hand again—the one not shoveling food into her mouth—and hold it tight. “You do inspire me. From the first moment I saw you, something in me yearned for that freedom.”

  “The freedom to get kicked out of your favorite club?”

  I giggle as she looks at me coyly from under her lashes.

  “That was partly it. The way you just mouthed off and said, too bad. In that situation I would have been practically scraping my head on the floor, begging for forgiveness. You just slammed your wisecracks straight into their faces. You refused to take any shit.”

  “Well.” She takes a gulp of her soda. “I could have apologized. I really don’t know who ran into who.”

  “But at that moment, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that you don’t get stepped on, by anyone, ever.”

  “But do you really get stepped on, Helen?”

  “All the time.” I look into the distance as I think about my days. “I practically invite it. It’s not like anyone is going out of their way to stomp on me, but I throw myself down in the dirt anyway. It’s easier to submit than stand up for yourself.”

  “This is true.” Roxy nods and pulls my attention back to her. “But you can easily take it too far, Helen. There’s a big difference between standing your ground and lashing out. The trouble is, you can’t see it when you’re right in the thick of it.”

  I understand this, maybe even better than Roxy does. She may have crossed that line regularly, but I’m the one who spent most of my life staying away from it.

  The waitress starts to pile food in front of us. I grab my burger and take a huge bite, onions getting away on to the plate. My mouth tingles and waters so hard I think I might embarrass myself. My stomach growls lou
dly and I feel a tingling running through my bones.

  “Having fun, Helen?” Roxy laughs, spooning up cherry pie.

  “Oh, my God.” I wipe my mouth and look at the burger. “I can’t remember the last time I had anything this good.”

  “Well.” Roxy sips her drink. “I did remember at the restaurant to order whole wheat pasta and lite milk in everything. I think that’s why the order took so long.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t believe that you went to so much effort. For me.”

  “Yeah well. Putting in enough effort to get home before you would have been nice. Checking how much money was I the tin before I took off. That would have been a good effort.”

  I chuckle so hard I almost drop my burger. “You didn’t know how much cash was there?”

  “Nope. Been poor too long. I thought, no one would keep big money on the kitchen bench. I was sure they were all fives.”

  I put the burger down and wipe my hands. “So, you were at the market with a few thousand dollars in your pocket? Unbelievable.”

  For a few moments we sit quietly, eating. It’s absurd how much of life I was missing out on before. I’d always been so proud of how I could stay calm in any situation. While other kids were partying until after midnight then worrying about how they were going to get to class in the morning, I was tucked up in bed by eight, homework done, and clothes laid out for the next day.

  I didn’t even try to break out in college. The extra freedom only frightened me more. I’ve been lying to myself my whole life, telling myself I’m doing the right thing. Being calm and responsible was the only way to get things done and be successful.

  But that’s just an excuse. All I’ve ever done is make excuses.

  I didn’t want to get scared. I didn’t want to get excited. I didn’t want anyone to see me lose control. To me, that has always been the scariest thing on the planet.

  Then along comes Roxy. The complete opposite of me, even to the point of deliberately showing more emotion to get people to keep their distance. We both poisoned the ground around us, just in completely different ways.