by Berri Fox
She wouldn’t leave me. I have to put a stop to all that crap. Fear and all it’s conditioned responses are my enemy. Trust is all I have left.
I take a warm shower, lingering over my rope marks. Each and every one is like a kiss of pleasure on my skin.
Just thinking about it has my pussy throbbing. I run my hands across my body, slick with soap and let my imagination run wild.
Helen is an incredible lover. The natural restraint that she has taught herself over the years makes her patient but passionate at the same time. I know for certain that I have never had anyone pay such careful attention to me. Every inch of my skin felt like it was being loved.
I wash my hair out, wondering if I should grow it. Maybe I’ll get a cool color. Who knows what top models do these days?
As I get out and wrap myself in Helen’s robe, I have to laugh at myself. The idea of me being a model is so far out I don’t believe it yet. To think, all these years I’ve been sweeping floors and scrubbing bars when I could have been kicking back in pretty clothes.
I spent a lot of time and effort making myself look like the kind of tough punk that would never do that girly shit. It’s kind of important when you are trying to have a tough image. I honestly don’t know if I naturally favored a punk look or if I came to like it simply because I wanted to look unapproachable.
If I think very hard, keeping myself relaxed, I can remember Mom. I must have been very small. I can see the sweep of her auburn hair and her smile. We were both wearing pink dresses and Dad was there, clean shaven and dressed in a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt. Before Mom died. Before Dad had to go back to working as a full-time mechanic to pay the bills.
Maybe I could have been someone else if they lived. I barely remember Mom. Dad never talked about her. When he died too it was like my entire world was squeezing me to death. All the sharp, dark, horrible things in this fucked up place ganged up and pounced on me. I got put in a foster home, but after the last few grand cleared from Dads accounts, I just took off and never looked back.
I can’t be happy about my past, but I can be sure of Helen. Every twisted road I’ve ever walked has led me here to her. She hasn’t asked about my family and I know that I will tell her, I just don’t know when or how.
The fact that she hasn’t asked just makes me love and respect her more. Usually the first thing people ask is about my past—half accusingly, too. As if their real question is, ‘how did you get so fucked up?’
I don’t know much about Helens family except that she is clearly terrified for them to find out about her love of kink. Something in the way she was raised forced her to shove her deepest desires far away. So far away that it was impossible for her to understand them. I hope that having her section in the magazine will give her the freedom she needs.
There is so much we don’t know about each other. It gives me a feeling of intense anticipation, finding out all there is to know about my lover.
I know the most important things. How she likes her coffee, her favorite food. How tightly she likes her rope tied and what it sounds like when she comes.
I head out to the living room and put on some music, snuggling down in the cushions. I think I’ll have to keep Helens robe. Since that first day I’ve found it like a comforting blanket, as if she’s holding me even when she’s not here.
Even on that first day, I desperately wanted her to hold me. I think that even then I knew I never wanted her to let me go.
The door clicks open and Helen comes in, smiling when she sees me. I launch myself off the couch and run to her, slamming her back against the door to kiss her.
“You missed me that much huh?”
“Dude, I’m hungry!” I grab the paper sack out of her hands. “What did you bring me?”
“Donuts, donuts and more donuts. What, you didn’t make coffee?”
I wink at her. “You didn’t bring me any?”
She laughs and goes to switch on the kettle. I sit down again, and tear open the bag. Several different kinds of donuts come falling out and I grab a sugar dusted jam one.
“You didn’t miss me too much, did you?” Helen asks softly as she sits down beside me.
“Of course, I did.” I turn to her and stroke her face. “I like to know where you’ve gone.”
“I’m sorry.” She kisses me firmly. “I’ll let you know next time, but there was something I had to go out for. I thought Id be back before you woke up.”
“Yeah well, our plans of being back before the other notices we’re gone have a nasty track record.”
Helen laughs as she goes to the kitchen to make the coffee. “Maybe we’re doomed.”
“Doomed!” I joke as I tear into another donut.
When Helen sits beside me and takes a strawberry donut, I watch her face suddenly go through a state of tension, as if she’s worrying about something.
“Hey babe, you okay?” I put my coffee down, hoping that what I said didn’t bum her out.
She looks up at me so seriously I actually get scared.
“I went out early for a certain thing… But now I’m not so sure it was a good idea.”
I put down my breakfast and turn to her, giving her my full attention.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t go beating around any bushes. You got something to say, woman, you get out and say it.”
“Okay.” She grins with relief. “You asked for it.”
She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a velvet box.
I almost hit the floor. I know what that is. What it has to be. Suddenly I remember that we are already supposed to be engaged and the wedding is practically already planned. Like shit, I have to pick a dress!
“Is that…”
Helen opens the box. The ring is a simple white gold band and the gorgeous pale pink rock twinkles at me from a deep setting, edged with ribbons of white fire.
“Shit.”
“I have to say, that’s not the answer I was expecting.” Helen asks wryly.
I stare at the ring. And stare at it.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” She sounds panicked.
I cross my arms and glare at her, trying to hold in my grin.
“Aren’t you going to ask me something?”
Helen laughs. She lets her head shake and her chest heave. Her blonde hair shimmers around her and I think, not for the first time, that it looks like a glowing halo.
“Roxy. Will you marry me?”
I can’t keep the cheeky grin off my face. “Well. Considering the whole shebang is pretty much planned, it would be a shame to say no, I guess.”
“You guess!” Helen tackles me, wrapping her arms around me and pinning me to the couch. She kisses me long and deep and I relax under her touch.
“You do better than guess. My love.”
My face becomes serious, my gaze going deep into her eyes.
“Yes Helen. Yes. I’ll marry you, I’ll take you, good or bad, sick or well, all I want is you.”
She leans down again and presses me to the couch, all else being lost as we focus on each others’ lips.
Thirty-Three
Helen
After lingering over breakfast, I get ready to head into work. Even though it’s the weekend I’m keen to get my pictures in and start organizing them. I’ll have about ten pages to fill and I want to start with a Shibari special.
“Who are you getting pretty for?” Roxy stops by the bathroom door.
“I’m just going to pop in to work for a couple of hours. If I load up the pics today and do some page layouts, then I can work much faster on Monday. Lisa wants this section in the next issue, and it has to be approved this week.”
“I thought that we could hang out and watch movies.”
“Well we can. I won’t be gone long.”
Behind me, Roxy says nothing. I finish with my lipstick and turn around, hoping she’s not upset.
She’s standing there leaning on the doorframe, twisting a lip between her fingers.
“You okay, baby?”
“Well… I think I’ll come with you.”
“Really?” I can’t hide my enthusiasm.
“Yeah. Let me hunt around for something to wear.”
“You don’t have to, you know. You can just chill out here. I really won’t be long.”
She looks up at me, her smile sweet and warm. “I want to go with you, just to be with you. But I feel like I should check out where you work. Get used to the place. After all, its going to be where I work too, isn’t it?”
“Well, not exactly. Your launch will be with my section, but you could end up working anywhere in the world.”
Her eyes go wide, the dark circles on the light grey rims making her look dangerous as well as surprised.
“What?”
“Models don’t work for just one magazine, Roxy. They go where the money is, or where someone supports their artistic vision.”
“And suddenly you’re not speaking English again.” She grins at me, so I know she’s making fun of me.
“You better get dressed. Come on if you’re coming.”
“Okay.”
She disappears into the bedroom and I run around getting my laptop and other gear. I wonder how she’s doing finding clothes that fit. I really do have to take her shopping soon.
When she comes out, I can’t even speak. I just stare at her with my jaw dropping open.
She’s been in my kink drawers, stuff that I would never wear in public unless it was a closed event. I need people to put the pieces together for me though. I buy them as complete outfits and I never think of changing them.
She’s wearing a black mesh dress that is almost completely see through. Her delicate, graceful legs are enhanced by the purple tights that have curling patterns of roses up and down the length. Over the top of the mesh dress she’s wearing a short little evening jacket that’s meant to go with formal wear. Somehow, her tough old boots fit the image perfectly.
She’s looking at me with a worried expression.
“If you really hate it then…”
“No! No!” I hurry over to her, kissing her quickly. “It’s fantastic! You really are a natural model, Roxy. I can’t wait to let you lose on the rest of my wardrobe!”
“You really like it?”
“I love it!”
Her face breaks into a smile of such pleasure it almost makes me cry. I know she must have had a tough past and she’ll tell me all about it when she’s ready. Her reaction affirms to me that she’s never had any encouragement, never had anyone support her or help her go after her dreams.
I wonder what those dreams might be. If they still exist somewhere inside this tough, street smart girl.
The second we hit the street, Roxy is turning heads. I see her blush straight away, her perfect skin flushing pale rose. She really looks fantastic without makeup.
I decide to walk part of the way and it seems to me that the city has a new quality to it. Everything is vibrant, the air itself seeming to caress me and whisper of a wonderful future.
I squeeze Roxy’s hand and swing it a little. I want to scream, I want to dance. I want to tell the whole world—I’m in love!
When we get to the office the place is bustling, as busy as a weekday. When all the heads swivel towards us Roxy practically hides in the elevator.
“Oh, no you don’t.” I grip her arm tightly. “You came this far. Get your tiny butt out there.”
“They’re looking at me…”
“Yep, and soon everyone will be. Get used to it.”
I think she’s about to protest, but she just gulps, adjusts the skirt and strides out like she’s on a catwalk. She really has no idea how beautiful she is, and she wears that innocence like an aura. Everyone she sees can’t help but be touched by it.
“Helen! Roxy!” Lisa comes charging out of her office, black hair stunning against a bright blue mini dress. I shudder to think how long it takes her to get ready each day.
“Look at you!” Lisa almost screams, grabbing Roxy’s shoulders. “Where did you get this outfit! It’s crazy gorgeous! Are you a fashion designer as well as a model?”
Roxy shakes her head, looking at the floor. I hurry up to put an arm around her.
“We’ll go to your office, Lisa? I’ve got some more pics.”
“Of course, come on, come on.”
She ushers us forward and I pull Roxy with me. I think the only reason she’s agreeing to come into Lisa’s office is to get away from the stares coming in from every side of the office.
You can hear it like a tear in the wind, ripping across the office.
That’s Helen’s girlfriend!
I don’t think my smile has ever been so wide. Joy surges up into my chest and cascades over me, my body tingling like I’m showering in champagne.
Roxy sits down in one of Lisa’s big chairs, clearly having a slight freak out. She has that panther look again, except now she’s a kitty in a cage and the worst part is, she walked into it of her own will. I lean down and squeeze her arm gently as Lisa loads the pics.
“It’s okay. We’ll be out of here soon.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“If I can’t handle this, how am I supposed to handle being a model?”
“There will only be a couple of people at a shoot. You don’t actually see the millions of people who see you.”
I thought it would be comforting. Instead Roxy gets even paler.
“Millions?”
“If you’re good.”
“Jesus fuck.”
“Right, what have you got? Oh, wow.” Lisa’s big mouth stops for a microsecond as she goes through the pics.
“These are fucking amazing! Helen, you look delicious!” I duck my head, blushing a little. “Thanks. It’s all light and angles.”
“Bullocks. You’re a natural. Don’t you know it helps to be hot writing a section like this? Everyone’s going to love your writing and photography, but once they get a load of that face and body, all the talk shows will want to flaunt it.”
I suddenly feel very in touch with Roxy’s panic.
“Oh, calm down Helen! I’m not asking you to do a centerfold! The pics are fantastic. Do you have your articles?”
“I emailed them to you yesterday.”
Lisa goes quiet for a second, flicking through files. When she looks up at me with very serious eyes, I wince and bend over the laptop.
“Was it that bad? Really? I can rewrite.”
“No, don’t you dare!” She thunders. “These are some of the best articles on rope I’ve ever read! The Twisted Monk would be jealous! It’s relatable but educational. Helen, your section is going to be a hit.”
Everything sways around me and I have to sit down. Roxy pats my hand and wiggles her eyebrows.
“You okay there, lover?”
“Oh, shut up.” I try to take deep breaths that won’t leave me too dizzy.
“You know, Helen.” Lisa sits down, closing the laptop. “I didn’t think you could actually pull this off. I had spare pages, but I didn’t expect you to come through at all—let alone with such quality material! I just wanted you to get out there and meet people. I had no idea I was unlocking a creative genius.”
I’m so shocked I can’t even talk.
“Well, she got me out of it too.” Roxy laughs.
“Yes. Indeed.” Lisa smiles at us both. “I got lucky and so did you! Now, what the hell are you two doing in here on a weekend? Get the fuck out!”
Roxy leaps up and grabs my hand. “You don’t have to tell me twice. Let’s get out of here!”
I let her pull me up and start dragging me out of the office. I try to turn back to Lisa to say thanks or something, anything… But she’s just twinkling her nails at me, making ‘shoo’ gestures.
Roxy pulls me tight against her. Lisa’s right. I’ve got more important things to do today than work.
Thirty-Four
Roxanne
I’m so nervo
us, I think I might choke on my champagne. I’m trying not t overdo it, I really don’t want to get drunk here.
Lisa decided on a gala event to open the new section of the magazine. She loves it so much she’s launching it as an extension of ‘Girl on Girl Glamour’. She told Helen it was just going to be a small party with a few local editors and publishers.
There is easily five hundred people here. I move through the room, some parts of me wishing that I could be as invisible as I used to be.
That would be impossible, with a twenty-foot size print of my face on the wall. It’s from our very first shoot. The pic focuses on the web tie along my back, but the way I’m looking over my shoulder and Helen has captured the light—it makes it look like I’m crying shadows.
Too close to the truth, maybe.
I’ve been accosted by several models already, asking about my ‘method’ and how I relax for a shoot. I looked them straight in the face and told them I take drugs. I have no idea if they believed me or not.
They can read all about it in the ‘Roxy expose’ that Sharon’s doing. Once she started helping Lisa edit the article, she apparently went wild over my pics just like everyone else. She decided that she would put together a big story about my tragic background and sell it as a digital companion to the magazine. With a ten percent markup on print copies.
I don’t know what any of that means, but apparently it’s all money in the bank.
I sip my champagne and keep moving through the crowd. The foyer of the hotel is all shining like glass or crystal, the floor so clean it’s reflective. Small glow lights hang from the ceiling and gather at the corners of the room.
It’s really like walking through some kind of fairytale palace.
But where’s my princess?
Everyone I see smiles and turns to me. They all know me, but I don’t know them. Finding a familiar face is going to be pretty damn difficult in this biz. I’m trying to make friends as quickly as I can. Sharon got all up in my face when I told her a new photographer was my ‘friend’. She said if he pays you well, then he’s an associate. Don’t make friends. Make money.