Night Train
Page 41
So we’re shooting in Miami this week and it is hotter than a motherfucker. The Diet Pepsis in my bar cabinet are like only ten ounces at four bucks a crack! I can drink five at once. I dunno, I feel guilty drinking fifty dollars’ worth of soda before lunch. Apart from screwing starlets, what I like best about location shooting is the sound of that room service cart jingling down the hall, you know? The clatter of bone china and the aroma of fresh coffee. Here comes one now. Gotta go.
Xxxs
Richard # III
to: CC14
re: Bob Thinks I’m Fucking Lisa!
date sent: March 4, 1999
LOL—babe, it’s better that he thinks you’re a dyke, believe me. A whole lot easier on his ego. Personally, I think he just went to the lawyer to blow off steam. He is hurt and he wants to strike back. It’s the oldest story in the world. No matter what, he’s not going to divorce you. And so what if he does? I don’t know why you are so hot for that old house anyhow; it’s nothing but work, and you’re never there. Get yourself a little fuckpad and pay back your medical school loans. Power to the people, babe. I gotta go.
Eldridge
to: CC14
re: I Am Fucking Lisa!
date sent: March 5, 1999
You, a dyke? No way. Jesus, give me a break! Look, I know you’re stressed out. These things happen. It doesn’t mean you’re some hard-core lesbian. Trust me, I know you better than you know yourself. But just the same: My God! Is Lisa a good fuck?
Your partner in crime,
Ace
P.S. What are the kids at the Foxhead saying about the show?
to: CC14
re: Three-Way Sex: Are You Up to It, Sport?
date sent: March 6, 1999
Whoa! Are you shitting me? Yeah! I’m up for it. Boing! Way up! LOL. Señor Caligula is up for most anything. A three-way sounds absolutely great! Tell me, though, what are Lisa’s tits like? She hasn’t got tobacco-brown nipples, has she? That just makes it impossible for me. It ruins everything. She’s very fair-skinned, so I doubt this will be a problem. But please advise me at the first possible opportunity.
Ready and Rarin’,
Yrs,
Suckman
to: CC14
re: C Cups, Pink Nipples
date sent: March 7, 1999
God! C cups! Pink and well formed! I thought so! I thought so! Goddamn. Man! I’m in heaven! Crack out the Viagra. Heh heh. And well formed, too! Boy! Shit. Usually at thirty, they start to sag. Well, maybe she had a tit job. Didn’t she run with a cosmetic surgeon for a time? Jeez, this sounds too good to be true. I can’t wait. Just tell me this: If you two are such dedicated lesbians, why do you want to fuck me? You said she gives you multiple orgasms. I didn’t give you multiple orgasms. What’s the deal, comrade?
V. I. Lenin
to: CC14
re: Divorce Papers
date sent: March 8, 1999
Babe, you’re better off without the sorry-ass motherfucker; good riddance! Bob was nothing but “poor me.” Dump him. Put the house on the market and get on with it.
Your loving crisis counselor,
Maynard G. Krebs
to: CC14
re: Ovulation
date sent: March 9, 1999
I knew there had to be a catch. And I can’t believe Lisa, either. How did this plan get hatched? You suddenly want me to knock you both up so you can be single parents? Is Lisa stealing drugs from the meds cabinet? Anesthesiologists will do that—and she hangs with your guy Seth. He’s probably got a shitload of good stuff. Or have you both lost your minds? Flipped out completely? Goddamn! I think those long shifts in the ER are taking their toll on you. Burnout. Get a grip on yourself, woman.
Zamboni, King of the Kongo
to: CC14
re: Contracts
date sent: March 11, 1999
Look, I’m going to be in town one night. Even if by some miracle of chance you’re both ovulating, I’m not going to get you both pregnant. It’s statistically unlikely. I mean, you’re the doctors. Figure. And contract or no, I’m going to know that I’ve got kids—kids living with lesbian parents. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. I quit screwing physicians a long time ago as most of them are out of touch, fucking psychotic. What if one of you gets pissed and decides to sue for child support? I’ve been out there too many years to fall for this bullshit. The answer is no!
Sincerely,
Ace
to: CC14
re: Oh Baby, Please Please Me
date sent: March 13, 1999
Okay, here are the rules: It has to be all natural. I’m not leaving sperm samples. And remember: Don’t let my good looks fool you, writers are crazy. These kids are going to be getting some fucked-up genes. And you are no paragon of mental health either, dear heart. I’m not the one who has to live out the consequences; you are. Think about that. Christ, the whole idea of this reduces me to a piece of meat. It’s demeaning. You’re audacious, babe. You’re coming up in the world. You’re like…almost totally amoral. Congrats!
Rocky Balboa
to: CC14
re: Lisa
date sent: March 14, 1999
No, I said I could have fallen for Lisa at that time. Things change. I’m not—look, in light of what’s happened, I’m certainly not going to fall in love with her, okay? As to who gets fucked first, let’s just play it by ear. I’ve got to run. I’m doing a radio interview. San Francisco has so many good places to eat, but try and find a parking spot. It can’t be done. LOL.
Yrs,
Frederick J. Flintstone
to: CC14
re: The Big Day
date sent: March 15, 1999
I’m at a computer room over at Stanford killing time before the flight. Four—well, actually three—chicks came on to me in Palo Alto. You know the one about the Polish chick who tried to get ahead by fucking the scriptwriter? LOL. Pure power. Anyhow, I declined some true delectables so I could get back to my room and be well rested for tomorrow night. It made me sick to do it. And then, instead of sleeping—the couple in the next room got into a fight and kept me up all night. Well, I’ll do my very best to get the job done.
Love,
Iago
P.S. Give my regards to Lisa. ROFL.
to: CC14
re: Hey There, Big Boy, You Fucked Our Brains Out
date sent: March 17, 1999
No, dear heart, the both of you fucked my brains out. LOL. That was a fantastic experience. I think it’s Darwinian or something when you screw with the intent to have kids. Very affirming. And her tits were even better than advertised. Christ! I came six times. What a glorious night! Thank God we’re in Chicago for two days. I gotta catch up on my sleep. I’m all fucked out!
Your boy,
Slick
P.S. I’m sorry I had to leave the party so early. ROFL! Heh heh.
to: CC14
re: Beware the Ides
date sent: March 22, 1999
Shit! Back home with a deadline. That tour took it all out of me. Woe is Aceman. I feel vile and I hate everybody in the entire world including myself. Thank God the season is over.
Yrs,
Big Daddy
to: CC14
re: Bingo!
date sent: May 15, 1999
Both on the same day? Well, you were both fucked on the same night; it only makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, in a highly improbable way. Anyhow, congrats (I guess). If Lisa gives up her practice to take care of the kids—I mean what? Who is the catcher and who is the pitcher in this deal? I know shrinks don’t make that much relative to surgeons, but she has a bold personality. I figured she would be assertive in bed. I guess it’s none of my business.
Yrs,
Chas. Manson
P.S. Screwing Bob just after I left town was a masterstroke. Now you can nail him for child support. Baby, that’s cold. Way to go. You are truly dedicated in service to the Master, Lucifer. You may even be due for a pro
motion soon. I’m sensing real hellish evil in you, dear heart. It’s such an adorable quality. Cultivate it.
P.P.S. How can you be so sure he won’t ask for a DNA test?
to: CC14
re: So Horny I Could Die
date sent: May 22, 1999
You fucked another young buck! I didn’t think you were a dedicated dyke. I never bought that. Just remember, web repair. Use your head. If you are now screwing a hot-piece-of-ass intern on the floor, be very careful. It’s a small town and an even smaller hospital. Also, do not change your sex habits with Lisa. If she finds out, the whole shitting deal will go down the drain. A med student is not marriage material, babe. Also, tell me this: Do guys like dating pregnant women? The times they are a-changin’. Indeed! Befuddled. I must bring myself up to speed.
Alistair Cooke
to: CC14
re: Ultrasound Confirms It: Girls
date sent: August 5, 1999
Hey, if you guys are happy, I’m happy. I already told you, I don’t plan on being an active father. I doubt that I will ever even meet the kids. Don’t give me reports. I don’t want that kind of involvement. I don’t want guilt and I don’t want attachment. Seriously,
Josef Mengele
to: CC14
re: Caught!
date sent: September 4, 1999
Flagrante delicto, huh? At least Lisa was cool about it. Remember how vindictive and pissy Bob was? That this guy is an intern from Salt Lake City is all to the good. Christ, he’s not a fucking Mormon, is he? Anyhow, Lisa isn’t going to be threatened by a teenybopper. But isolate your victims and maintain web repair. And always remember this: You are the center of the universe and they are the satellites. If you hold that thought, there is no conquest that is beyond you. Coolio, no?
Ace
to: CC14
re: Retaliation
date sent: September 11, 1999
After the shock wave of betrayal wears off, then comes the anger, babe. Lisa wanted to get even, that’s all. I wouldn’t make too much of it. And listen: You weren’t keeping the web under control, it’s your own fault.
Hey! What’s the deal anyhow—are guys suddenly into hitting on chicks that are six months pregnant? Maybe I just don’t know the score anymore. Even an experienced evildoer such as myself has blind spots and makes mistakes. She’ll come crawling back. Don’t you worry, baby.
Johnny Ringo
P.S. I just finished a motherfucker of a rewrite job. It was a suck-ass from start to finish. The producer is always saying “Breathe some life into this piece of shit.” I’m not kidding; this is the most nonglamorous profession in the world. I want to get back on the novel.
to: CC14
re: Encouragement
date sent: October 19, 1999
Thanks, babe. It was nice to hear from you. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me anymore. I can’t focus on a single thing. My skull feels like it’s got rancid malted milk balls rolling around inside it. I put my .337 in the attic, in case I get the impulse to shoot myself. It takes so long to get into the attic, I’ll think better of it before I get to the pistol. Suicide really isn’t me in spite of the family history. Maybe that’s because I’m just a big chickenshit. Maybe it is the ultimate act of nobility. Yes, given a moment to reflect—a breather from the onslaught of life’s travail—and I’m a philosophical individual.
Used and confused,
Algonquin J. Calhoun
to: CC14
re: Lisa
date sent: November 1, 1999
Remember, babe, I actually don’t know Lisa all that well. You were the one that said she was a dyke. Maybe because she’s pregnant, she has an urge to have a husband suddenly. Honestly, she wasn’t that hot of a fuck. I mean, to me it seemed like I was fucking a straight-out man-hating lesbian. Three-ways seldom work. They involve too much tension and jealousy unless everyone is drugged and drunk out of their minds. Or complete degenerates. Anyhow, Lisa wasn’t into me all that much and—whatever else you say about me—I’m an experienced lover. Man, then she stands on her head after I came in her. That was kind of strange, no? She must really want a kid to let my greasy lips press against her own. She wouldn’t French. But standing on her head? I thought I had seen it all until that one. Don’t get jealous again. (Read a Ben Franklin book and eradicate that emotion from your personality.) Personally, my guess is that this is a temporary thing with her. Most men don’t want to marry a woman carrying some other guy’s kid, you know? This guy will get sick of her, I’m sure of it. Anyhow, keep me informed. If I didn’t have such high self-esteem and such supreme confidence, she would have made me feel like a reptile. So, fuck her.
Satan
to: CC14
re: Tears on My Pillow
date sent: November 3, 1999
Heh heh! I told you she was a dyke! She was just getting even with you and it got out of hand. That is why it is so essential that you care for and maintain the wicked web on a daily basis. Lisa is just a satellite. So don’t act overly thrilled because she cried her heart out to you. Show some frost.
Yrs,
Duke
P.S. How did you give her seven orgasms? I mean, are you a couple of Chinese acrobats all of a sudden? Do you use vibrators? Butt plugs? Oral sex with Altoids? What? Let me mention one other thing: I don’t want to introduce negatives, but consider this with an open mind: You are not a dyke. Not really. Once the motherhood thing becomes routine, don’t be surprised if you find yourself pining over some guy. And if that happens, act with restraint. Ignore the mood swings and whatnot. You must always let the head rule over the dictates of the heart if you want to play this game. Concerned,
Earl, the Duke of
to: CC14
re: Any Day Now
date sent: December 15, 1999
The ninth month is supposed to suck. Quit your goddamn fucking and bitching. Hey, check it out—I think I finally found the right voice for this fucking novel. Finally!
A
to: CC14
re: Good on Ya, Sport
date sent: December 16, 1999
Thanks, babe. I am a sportin’ man. No doubt about it. And I’m really into this novel. The work. It’s all about the work. The rest is bullshit. Man, I feel great; this is the best part. The part I really like. My fingers are scorching the keyboard. I’m just a fucking conduit now. All the angst is gone. My mind is clicking at levels unsurpassed. You might say I’m experiencing my personal best. But, really, I’m humble. I take no credit. It all comes from the Holy Spirit and all the credit belongs to God. That’s no lie. Praised be his name! I’m just his servant. But shit, I wrote twelve thousand words last night. Fucking great stuff, too. Man! I am a genius! Over and Out!
Slim
to: CC14
re: Hannah Marie
date sent: December 21, 1999
Lisa got what she wanted. And your turn is coming. Shit, I can’t believe she cursed me through labor. I thought that Lamaze shit was a fad from the eighties or something. When it’s your turn, I advise you to avail yourself of painkillers, or get a spinal block. Why suffer needlessly?
Yrs,
Dukester
P.S. Do not tell me the kid’s name. I don’t want to know names, remember? That was part of the deal. Don’t start violating rules this early in the game. I know you’re a woman and have poor impulse control, but don’t fucking do it. I’m serious.
Duke
to: CC14
re: 19,000 Words
date sent: December 22, 1999
Hey, I’m a genius, what more can I tell you? Not only that, I’ve got myself a new little baby—you know, a “baby.” LOL. She’s cute as hell. When I feel this good I have so much confidence I can pick them up in supermarkets, take them home, and fuck them on the floor while the ice cream melts in the grocery bag. Heh heh. Nookie. To get it, you will tell any lie, do whatever—the feeling of power is so incredible. I’m totally stoked. I have never been so happy in all my life. I
t’s like the veil has been lifted and I can suddenly see. Life is grand, babe! I’m a happy fucking guy.
Yrs,
Hanoi Harry
to: CC14
re: New Babies
date sent: December 23, 1999
Hey, babe. Pissy? Don’t get that way. It’s just pussy. I told you that our three-way in Iowa City was all about you. Lisa was a flop. You were the one. You were the star. This new stuff is just fool’s play. A diversion. Frivolous folly.
Those ugly things I said a year ago when you got crazy on me were in self-defense. They were calculated to bring you to your senses. I didn’t mean any of it. The sex we had before you freaked out was incredible. We did it like every night for six months and never missed a night, as I recall. Are those the actions of a guy who wasn’t turned on? Of a guy who wasn’t absolutely crazy about you? Come on. Follow the inspiration of Buddha and waketh thou up!
Kung Fuck
P.S. Can’t they induce labor? How overdue are you?
to: CC14
re: 10 lbs. 9 oz.
date sent: December 28, 1999
Hurrah! It’s over. Cesarean, huh? And on Christmas Day yet. I’m sorry it was so long, and you had to go through pain and all, but being born on Christmas has to be an upper. She will one day piss and moan because of the presents all coming on the same day, but secretly, she’ll be grateful. It’s a very good omen, if you ask me. Congrats, doll. I hope this makes you happy.