The Only Boy For Me

by Gil McNeil

  THE ONLY BOY

  FOR ME

  GIL McNEIL

  for Dad, Joe and Max, Mum, Julia and Ruth

  Contents

  Chapter One Notes from a Small Kitchen

  Chapter Two This Sporting Life

  Chapter Three Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls

  Chapter Four Sex, Lies and Videotape

  Chapter Five Home Thoughts from Abroad

  Chapter Six Of Lice and Men, and 101 Dalmatians

  Chapter Seven It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To

  Chapter Eight Yes, We Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside

  Chapter Nine The Heart of Darkness

  Chapter Ten Picking up the Pieces

  Chapter Eleven After the Ball is Over

  Chapter Twelve We Wish You a Merry Christmas

  About the Author

  Chapter One

  Notes from a Small Kitchen

  Monday morning. All my good intentions of making organic porridge and enjoying a serene breakfast go right out the window when I wake up and discover it’s ten twenty. I leap out of bed screaming, and bang my foot on the wardrobe. Limp into the kitchen to find it’s four am. Charlie must have been playing with my alarm clock. Again. I stagger back to bed, and reset the clock to avoid having a heart attack next time I look at it.

  When I wake up again it’s seven fifteen, but it still feels like I need eight hours more sleep and my foot is throbbing. A very ugly half-hour follows where Charlie darkly mutters from underneath his duvet that his human rights are being violated and he must be allowed to sleep. I finally get him downstairs, still in his pyjamas, and offer half an hour of cartoons if he eats his breakfast. He agrees, settles down on the sofa and then promptly refuses to eat.

  ‘Darling, stop being silly, you know you have to eat breakfast, and cereal is good for you. It’s a school day and you need a proper breakfast.’

  ‘A proper breakfast has bacon in it, or sausage. Why do we never have sausages for breakfast? James has sausages.’

  ‘I’m sure some mornings James just has cereal.’

  ‘No he doesn’t. He always has sausages. He has them in his lunchbox too. Why can’t I have sausages in my lunch-box? I hate turkey sandwiches. I think it’s cruel to turkeys.’

  ‘Well, sausages aren’t exactly kind to animals, you know.’

  ‘Yes they are. They make them out of old animals who have come to the end of their natural lifes, but turkeys are young and could have babies and everything. But they get chopped up before they get a chance.’

  ‘Look, just get on with it, or I’m going to get really cross.’

  ‘Being horrible isn’t nice you know, Mummy.’

  ‘No, and neither is being very annoying in the mornings. Now hurry up, or we’ll be late. You need to eat your cereal. Now.’

  ‘I don’t need to eat it, I don’t want to eat it, it looks like sick.’

  Thankfully a diversion is caused by the new postman, Dave, creeping up the drive looking tentative because last week Charlie ran out to greet him wearing only a pair of pants and a Superman cloak. Dave tried to join in the fun, and asked him if he could fly. Whereupon Charlie shot up the tree in the front garden and began his countdown to blast-off, leaving poor Dave to hurl his post on the ground and run around the bottom of the tree with his arms outstretched, looking desperate. It took me ten minutes to get Charlie out of the tree, by which time he was half frozen. I don’t know why the postmen round here insist on operating on a first-name basis, but they do. All part of friendly village life, I suppose. Charlie leaps up and down at the window like a manic clockwork toy until Dave is safely back in his van and reversing at speed. He then eats his cereal having forgotten our earlier battle, and only manages to spill about half a gallon of milk on to the living-room carpet.

  We are now on the verge of being really late so I forgo the pleasure of watching him take fifteen minutes to put on a pair of socks and dress him myself.

  ‘I can do it myself, you know.’

  ‘Yes I know, but we’re in a rush, darling, and I like helping you.’

  ‘Yes, but don’t tuck my vest in so tight; boys don’t have their vests tucked in you know.’

  ‘Of course they do, or they would get cold tummies.’

  ‘No, they don’t. James never has his vest tucked in.’

  I decide, not for the first time, that I hate James, who is constantly quoted as an expert witness in all domestic disputes. Finally we are heading for the car, with bookbag, lunchbox and swimming kit. While I am trying to lock the back door and not drop his lunchbox, Charlie disappears to see the rabbits, Buzz and Woody, in their hutch in the back garden.

  ‘Hello, how are you this morning?’ This is greeted with silence, and the sound of lots of scuffling.

  ‘Mummy, the rabbits are doing sex. If they’re both boys, does that mean they’re gay?’

  I can’t cope with this line of conversation so early in the morning.

  ‘Of course not, they’re just playing.’

  Then I panic about sexual stereotypes and add, ‘And anyway, it would be fine if they were gay,’ whilst firmly grasping the hood of his anorak and pulling him up the path.

  Charlie looks horrified.

  ‘No it would not. I want them to have babies; it would be lovely to have baby rabbits. We could start a farm and anyway I don’t want gay rabbits, I want proper ones. Get off my hood, you’re strangling me!’

  I launch into my very realistic impression of the mad policeman in Withnail and I, repeating ‘Get in the car, get in the car’ in a high-pitched nasal scream.

  Our milkman, Ted, picks the perfect moment, as ever, to arrive, block the drive with his float and start wittering on about being late again with a sarcastic grin on his face. I manage to overcome a strong desire to punch him in the mouth, as, apart from the legal implications, getting milk delivered when you live in the country is no joke. His round covers about three hundred miles and he sometimes doesn’t arrive until teatime. I shove Charlie into the car, and smile with what I know is a mad fixed grin. Ted sensibly beats a hasty retreat to his float. We then follow him up the lane at three miles an hour, stopping while he delivers to two houses before we get to a part wide enough to pass him. I then accelerate rather more than I meant to, and Charlie is pressed back into his seat by a G force similar to that usually only experienced by fighter pilots. Half thrilled and half terrified, Charlie begins a lecture on road safety.

  ‘If a hedgehog had been crossing the road it would have stood no chance, hedgehogs can’t run, you know. You should be more careful.’

  ‘Hedgehogs don’t come out in the daytime, darling. Calm down.’

  ‘An ill hedgehog might be awake; it might have had a nightmare and be going for a walk, you just don’t know.’

  ‘I do know, and we didn’t run over a hedgehog. Look, we’re nearly at school now, so everything’s fine.’

  It’s crucial that we don’t begin an argument just as we reach the school gates, or getting him out of the car will be a major challenge.

  ‘I promise I’ll drive nice and slowly on the way home, and if I find any hedgehogs recovering from nightmares I’ll take them home and give them a drink.’

  Charlie is not sure, but leans towards being mollified by this until he remembers bloody Blue Peter and their dire warnings about never giving milk to hedgehogs or they blow up. He begins a long list of instructions on what I should do with various kinds of wildlife which I might find wandering along the lanes of Kent in need of help. He’s just reached pandas and how vital it is to find a fresh supply of bamboo shoots, when he spots that James is just arriving. The wildlife-in-peril lecture is promptly abandoned and they trot off into school together quite happily.

  The s
chool building is over two hundred years old, and two of the teachers, including Charlie’s Miss Pike, have been there for so long that they taught some of the parents of the current pupils. It’s not exactly cutting edge but there’s a lovely relaxed atmosphere which counts for a lot when you’re six. I do sometimes worry that Charlie is not receiving the broadest of educations: the school’s idea of being multi-ethnic is asking the children to bring in leeks for St David’s Day. But one of the main reasons I moved out of London was so that Charlie could go to a little village school like I did, instead of the huge local primary that he was destined for. I went on the Parents’ Tour and got lost twice. And the strains of living in London were starting to take their toll. The nightly parking battle was getting too much for me, and I was starting to fantasise about leaving work early so I could park in my road rather than six streets away.

  After countless weekends of driving round the villages of Kent seeing a succession of dreary bungalows and chucking sweets at Charlie to try to keep him quiet, we ended up in Marhurst, just outside Whitstable. It’s a small house, one of four, down a tiny lane just off the village green, with an apple tree in the front garden. It only grows miniature crab apples, but I didn’t know that at the time. The village has a shop and a pub, and is only about half an hour away from Mum and Dad. We’ve got three bedrooms and a huge playroom for Charlie, for well under half what it would have cost in London. We can now go for walks in the woods rather than trudging through parks dodging joggers and mad cyclists. It’s not exactly Cider with Rosie, but it’s as close as you can get to it and still be able to drive to London. I stand watching the children file into their classrooms, hopping and skipping about, and realise, not for the first time, that I truly cannot imagine anything worse than being a teacher of Mixed Infants. Just as I’m getting back into the car I spot James’s mother, Kate, who looks as shattered as I am, and we agree to meet later for coffee.

  Get home to face a huge pile of ironing, which I ignore, washing-up ditto. I manage to avoid the temptation of collapsing in front of daytime telly by going upstairs to the spare bedroom which I use as my office, and starting on my accounts. I begin fiddling about with spreadsheets, and manage to press some secret command which turns one spreadsheet into four separate ones all in a new jumbled-up order. I cannot get the bloody thing back to normal, so give up in disgust and go downstairs to eat biscuits. Realise I’m now late for coffee, and race off, repeating my earlier stunt by accelerating with great force and nearly flattening the cat from next door.

  I arrive at Kate’s cottage to find her in wellington boots in the kitchen bailing out the washing machine which has sloshed gallons of water all over the floor. I help her mop up, and she pours two gin and tonics. I’m secretly rather shocked by this, but completely understand when she points out that the washing machine collapsing is the least of her worries. James is sticking to his sausage-only diet, which means she has to buy hugely expensive organic sausages to avoid him having an intake of God knows what in cheap commercial ones. Her daughter Phoebe has gone vegetarian and wants to pierce her tongue, but as she’s only eight Kate is refusing. And her ex-husband Phil has stopped paying maintenance because his girlfriend has just had a baby, and she’s used all his credit cards to buy designer baby gear so the bank has frozen his account.

  Luckily Kate’s parents are fabulously wealthy and keep chucking huge sums of money at her. They hated Phil. But, as Kate points out, this only means that her mother keeps reminding her of what a major mistake she made. She’s recently taken to holding dinner parties where all her ghastly County friends bring their unmarried sons to introduce to Kate. The last one was so dull she fell asleep during dinner, and her mother was so furious that she woke her up by dripping hot candle wax on her hand whilst pretending to collect up the coffee cups.

  ‘So, how was lunch with your mother yesterday?’

  ‘Absolutely bloody, if you must know. God, she’s really getting worse. She spent half an hour banging on at Phoebe about the dangers of being a vegetarian. She told her she’d get rickets and have bandy legs if she didn’t eat beef. But when I told James not to flick carrots at the dogs, she told me to leave him alone and stop being such a terrible bully. And then to cap it all my Aunt Marjorie turned up for tea.’

  ‘Oh God.’

  ‘Yes. She had a lovely time, actually, giving me a long lecture on how terrible one-parent families are. Honestly, I nearly hit her. Bloody old bat, but if you defend yourself you end up sounding like a harpy.’

  ‘I know. When we registered at the doctor’s the woman on reception threw a total fit because I left the Father’s Details blank on the form. She gave me a long speech about how Doctor might need to know in an emergency. When I asked what kind of emergency would require contacting a man who’s never clapped eyes on Charlie, she got really incensed and began a whole new speech about Young Women Today. She was really starting to enjoy herself when that nice one came out from the back, you know, the one with short grey hair and glasses.’

  ‘Oh yes, she’s lovely.’

  ‘Well, she said, “What seems to be the problem?” and Mrs Hitler began going into one again. The waiting-room was full of people listening in, having a marvellous time. I was just about to slap her, and claim I thought she was having some sort of fit, when the nice one said, “That’s quite enough, Mavis,” and then turned to me and said, “I’m so sorry about that, she’s just started on the hormones and I don’t think they’ve got the dosage quite right yet.”’

  ‘Oh, how brilliant.’

  ‘Yes, it was rather.’

  ‘But you see what I mean. Nobody goes up to women like my Aunt Marjorie and says, “Look, you loathe your husband and all you really care about is money, so don’t have kids, just stick with dogs. At least you can put them in kennels when the novelty wears off instead of sending them to boarding school.” My cousin George is a complete basket case because of that bloody woman, but nobody would dare tell her she was a selfish old bag who should never have had children in the first place.’

  ‘No, I don’t suppose they would.’

  ‘Fackers.’ This is a sign Kate is really agitated. She actually means to say ‘fuckers’, but it just comes out like this. She also says ‘super’ a great deal, and ‘jolly good’. And if you fall down the stairs and slice the top off your head she is quite likely to say, ‘Oh, what bad luck.’ But despite her disconcerting tendency to lapse into a caricature out of Horse and Hound, she’s my best friend in the village. We were thrown together when Charlie and James became friends, ferrying them backwards and forwards for tea, and agreeing what our line was on vital questions like bedtime – because if James is allowed to stay up late to watch a special programme, you can bet your life Charlie will insist on the same. But we became real friends when we discovered a mutual passion for fags and gin.

  ‘You think you’ve got problems. At least you married Phil before you had kids. I have to explain how come I’ve got Charlie, but no divorce, and no hint of a long-standing partner anywhere. Am I a tragic victim of fate like a scullery maid out of a Catherine Cookson novel, or a lesbian who got lucky with the turkey baster?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so. It’s so bloody unfair. You know, I reckon my two would be better off if it had been a DIY job. I mean, Charlie seems so settled, he’s never seen his dad so he doesn’t feel rejected, whereas my two feel like they’ve been dumped, just like me.’

  And with this she starts to cry.

  ‘Oh, Kate, don’t. I know it’s tough, but you love them and you put up with Phil’s crap so they still get to see him. They’ll be fine, I know they will.’

  ‘Yes I know. But it’s just not fair. It’s not their fault but somehow they think it is. It’s such hard work, and it never ends. And then you get some old bag telling you you’re a monster.’

  ‘I think they’re jealous.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, think about it. If you spent your life with some boring old bugger who treats you like
a doormat, wouldn’t you get a bit narky with women who just miss out on all that and get on with having lovely babies?’

  ‘Well, yes, a bit, I suppose. But what about Roger and Sally? They seem really happy.’

  ‘I know. One day our princes will come. But until then I’m fine, you’re fine, the kids are fine, and that’s what really matters.’

  ‘God, Annie, you sound like one of those bloody therapy people.’

  ‘OK, try this. Stop whining and make some coffee.’

  ‘OK. Do you want Hobnobs?’

  ‘What a stupid question.’

  We drink coffee and eat a whole packet of Hobnobs. I tell Kate about the impact of James and his sausages on my morning, which cheers her up a bit, and soon we’re laughing, chain-smoking and planning an evening out soon. We decide on the local pub because at least we can walk home. But we agree to limit our consumption of booze as last time we ended up singing along to the karaoke machine only to discover that the pub doesn’t actually have a karaoke machine and it was meant to be background music. We suddenly spot that it’s nearly half past one and we both have huge lists of things to do, so I race off to do the shopping, desperately hoping one gin does not count as drunk driving.

  I ponder on the usual single-parenting dilemmas during the drive to the supermarket: Will Charlie grow up to be a crack-cocaine dealer due to his tragic lack of a male role model? And what is wrong with me that I don’t have a husband lurking somewhere in the background, at least paying child support if not actually playing happy families? How come I managed to end up with Adam, who was so keen on not becoming a father that he chose to emigrate shortly after I discovered I was pregnant? Actually we’d only just got back together again after a five-year gap, during which time he’d married someone else. He turned up out of the blue one night, and said he was getting a divorce. Apparently she was boring, and I was the one he loved. He had huge shoulders and bright-blue eyes. He was also fond of telling long stories which didn’t really have endings, but you can’t have everything. A few weeks later it turned out that I was the one who was boring, and she was the one he loved. She’d lost two stone and got a new haircut, they had a grand reunion and I lay about weeping.