The Four Tendencies

by Gretchen Rubin

  When dealing with Rebels, it’s crucial to accept that Rebelhood is a deep part of their nature; it’s not a stage, it’s not something that they will outgrow. A reader wrote me an email that struck me as quite poignant: “But surely Rebels eventually realize that we can’t just do whatever we want—adults can’t act that way.” Adults can act that way, and Rebels do act that way. For better and for worse.

  Variations Within the Tendency

  As with all the Tendencies, people of the Rebel Tendency overlap with two other Tendencies—Rebel overlaps with Questioner (both resist outer expectations) and Obliger (both resist inner expectations). Whether Rebels tip toward Questioner or Obliger greatly influences how they act.

  REBEL/Questioners concentrate more on fulfilling their own desires than on resisting outer expectations; the Rebel spirit of resistance remains strong, but they’re more focused on doing what they want than on defying other people. REBEL/Questioners have less trouble with resisting their own expectations for themselves; as one REBEL/Questioner remarked, “If I have nothing to rebel against, I do fine. No one cares if I go to the gym, so I go all the time. I love working for myself, but I struggle when working for others.”

  By contrast, REBEL/Obligers have a stronger dose of contrariness—of pushing back, of evading control. The Obliger and Rebel Tendencies both resist inner expectations, a state that fuels resentment and resistance. For this reason, REBEL/Obligers are more likely to insist “You can’t make me!”—even if it’s something the Rebel wants to do. For instance, in her essay in The Atlantic “I Refuse to Be a Grown-Up,” REBEL/Obliger writer Elizabeth Wurtzel declares, “I do what I want. I don’t do what other people want me to do. Sometimes I don’t do things I want to do because someone else wants me to do them too badly.”

  For REBEL/Obligers, even if they want to do something, others’ approval or encouragement may ignite their resistance to their own desires. One Rebel explained how his parents’ loving attention actually interfered with his good habits: “If I try to form healthy habits for myself (wake up earlier, eat healthier) I find myself resisting and ultimately fail because I can feel my parents’ silent approval—and so I don’t want to do it!”

  To sum up, REBEL/Questioners think, “I do whatever I choose,” while REBEL/Obligers think, “I refuse to do what anyone tells me to do.”

  Of course, the Rebel Tendency mixes with other personality traits. A Rebel who’s highly considerate of others will behave differently from a Rebel who’s not considerate. An ambitious Rebel has a different life from a Rebel who doesn’t care about career achievement. With some Rebels, their Rebelness is forceful and conspicuous; in other Rebels, it looks more like passive-aggressiveness—a quiet, nonconfrontational refusal to do what anyone else wants them to do.

  Some Rebels love being Rebels. One Rebel declared:

  I’ve taken on things that other people thought were impossible. Rebels are game changers, revolutionaries, and out-of-the-box problem solvers. By being a Rebel, I empower others to step outside of their comfort zone and the established rules, about how things “should” be done.

  However, while Obligers are the most likely to say they wished they belonged to a different Tendency, Rebels come next. Several people have told me that they call themselves a “Reluctant Rebel.” They may feel isolated or frustrated; they may get embroiled in conflict. A Rebel explained,

  I envy the other Tendencies. I often feel like everyone around me is more content and better at “adulting” than I am. I get frustrated that I can’t seem to make my big ideas come to fruition. I’m highly creative, and lately, I make most of my money through my photography and feel the pressure to take on more photography work and embrace this role. That thought literally makes me never want to pick up a camera again. I’m worried that if I focus in, I’d hate it.

  When Rebels understand the Rebel pattern, they can manage its downsides to make their lives easier and happier.

  How Others Can Influence Rebels to Meet an Expectation

  Rebels do what they want, for their own reasons. If someone asks or tells them to do something, Rebels are likely to resist—so the people around Rebels must guard against accidentally igniting their spirit of opposition. Which is easier said than done.

  A Rebel always wants to think “This is my idea”—and, in fact, many people have told me, “I manage Rebels by making them think that everything was their idea.”

  So how do we work most constructively with Rebels? In a nutshell, Rebels respond best to a sequence of information, consequences, and choice. We must give Rebels the information they need to make an informed decision; alert them to the consequences of actions they might take; then allow them to choose—with no lecturing, hovering, or hectoring.

  • A parent might say, “If a person goes outside on a bright, sunny day, he gets a sunburn. A bad sunburn really hurts—skin can even blister and peel—and then the person is stuck inside while his friends are playing outside. Do you want to wear sunscreen lotion, or do you feel like wearing a hat and a long-sleeved T-shirt?”

  • A teacher might say, “To graduate from high school, students have to complete a hundred service hours. Students who start as freshmen or sophomores have more choice about what projects they pick and when they do it. The longer students wait, the fewer choices they have. I’ve known seniors who’ve lost their spring break because they had to spend that time completing the service requirement. My door is open whenever you’d like to talk about choosing a service project.”

  • A spouse might say, “Because of kids’ busy schedules these days, when families plan activities, they put things on the calendar far in advance. If you don’t notify the Cub Scout families about when den meetings will be held until the week before you want to hold them, the boys might not attend. And our son will feel humiliated. You’re the den leader, the schedule is up to you.”

  • A doctor might say, “Research shows that exercise really benefits people over the age of sixty. People who exercise are more likely to live independently and less likely to suffer debilitating falls and pain. If you’re interested, this pamphlet has several suggestions for different kinds of exercise.”

  • A boss might say, “The client gave us a budget and a month’s time to complete this project. If the client is pleased, this relationship might become permanent, which would mean more great projects and more money for all of us. Does this sound like something you want to tackle?”

  Rebels do what they want—but if an action has unpleasant consequences, they may decide that they don’t want to do it, after all. And even when they initially push back when someone says, “It’s your choice, but have you considered…?” they often end up incorporating that information into their decision making.

  For information-consequences-choice to work, it’s crucial that Rebels do indeed suffer unpleasant consequences—whether to a Rebel’s health, reputation, or convenience. These unpleasant consequences can be painful to witness—and unfortunately, the consequences may affect others as well. However, if other people make problems go away, or do the Rebels’ work for them, or cover for them, Rebels have no reason to act.

  An Obliger friend and I were discussing this issue of consequences, and he told me, “I get it, absolutely. But the problem is, the consequences that fall on my Rebel wife also fall on me. If she doesn’t pay the bill, my cable gets turned off. If she decides at the last minute that she doesn’t want to go to that concert, my money gets wasted.”

  “Well,” I said, trying not to sound harsh, “whatever it is, you need to find a way to frame the issue so that it appeals to her Rebel nature, or you have to let the negative consequences unfold.”

  In another conversation about a Rebel I know, a friend told me: “She was invited to this big benefit and she refused to RSVP. The organization called her repeatedly, saying, ‘We need to get a final count for the caterer’ and ‘It’s important for us to know your plans,’ but she wouldn’t answer. That night, she showed up, and she complai
ned the whole time about how much she hated her table.”

  “See,” I said, unable to pass up the chance to give a little lecture on the Four Tendencies, “the organization made the wrong arguments! They should’ve given information, consequences, and choice. ‘If you respond now, you can choose where you sit, so you can sit with your friends. If you wait, those tables will fill up, and we’ll assign you a seat with strangers. Let us know when you decide your plans.’ ”

  Information, consequences, choice. Without lectures or micro-management or rescue.

  Ironically, some Rebels’ contrarian nature can make them easy to manipulate. Others can exploit their impulse to think, “You can’t make me” or “I’ll show you” or “Just watch me.” A friend couldn’t drag her Rebel daughter away from the television set, so she told her, “You’ve been under a lot of stress lately, you should relax. Stay home for a few days and watch TV.” At which point her daughter stood up, turned off the TV, and walked out the door.

  “I don’t think you can finish the report by Friday,” “I don’t think you could give up sugar,” or “I don’t think you’ll enjoy it” may all be good lines to use to trigger the Rebel spirit (though, true, some Rebels may see right through it). Remarking, “So I see you’re not going to the gym today,” might prompt the Rebel to say, “Oh yes, I am,” while saying, “Don’t you think you should go to the gym today?” might well prompt the answer of “I’m not going.”

  In fact, some psychotherapists use “paradoxical intervention” with patients, where they prescribe the very behavior that needs to be changed. There are various explanations for why this works, but I bet it works best when used with a Rebel. For example, if a child throws a tantrum every time she’s told to make her bed, her parents might tell her, “Before you make your bed, take a few minutes and scream as loudly as you can.”

  One Rebel explained how she made sure she didn’t fall into this trap of resistance. “As a Rebel, my first reaction when someone asks me to do something—or, worse, checks up on me—is ‘No’ or ‘Leave me alone.’ When that happens, I remind myself that I’m free to do it even though someone asked me to and wants me to do it—not doing something because someone asks is just as ‘unfree’ as doing it because someone asks.”

  Despite their impulse to resist if asked or told to do something, Rebels may choose to do something out of love—when they’re acting from desire, not from obligation. If something is important to someone they love, they may choose to meet an expectation, to show love. But it’s a choice. A Rebel teenager explained, “I’d plan to do something nice for my mom, some chore while she was out, and then as she’d leave the house, she’d tell me to do it. I’d think, ‘No way! It was fun when I was going to do it as a surprise for you, Mom, but not now that it’s an assignment.’ ”

  The fact is, when doctors, parents, spouses, teachers, friends, or bosses push Rebels, they trigger Rebel resistance.

  For instance, even a reward for good behavior—“If you finish your work, you can leave early”—is a mechanism of control that can have a bad effect on Rebels. Praise, or other attempts to encourage or motivate Rebels, can also backfire. One Rebel wrote:

  I worked hard at a Couch to 5K program last summer. After I ran my first mile of my life, I posted it to Facebook. I got so much encouragement, so many people said “Keep it up!” and “See you at a 5K this fall!” It felt really good to get that praise at the time—but I never ran another mile again. I told myself it was because of a work trip, and the weather…but I was rebelling against all the expectations.

  Another Rebel had a similar experience:

  When I was in college and studying something I’d always wanted to study, I was doing quite well (95 average) when the professor called me into his office and told me I “could do better.” From then on, my grades dropped. I felt like if I were to do well and get the 100 he was looking for, he would be winning somehow.

  Rebels don’t want to take direction from anyone, even to do something they enjoy. One reader wrote:

  When I was first married, I couldn’t understand why my husband didn’t throw himself at me every time I put on my fancy lingerie. In time, it became a running joke with myself: the way to guarantee a romance-free evening is to put on something black and lacy. Now I realize that my husband is such a Rebel, he doesn’t even like to be “told” when to have sex. After almost twenty years of marriage, I’ve learned to keep my advances very low and casual, so he feels like it’s his call, not mine.

  For this reason, when a Rebel proposes to tackle some task, it’s best not to interfere with a “better” plan:

  If and when my Rebel husband is in the mood to do something that benefits me, I’d better embrace it because it might not come around again! For example, in the old days if he said suddenly on a weeknight at 9:00, “I’m ready to clean out the garage,” I might have said, “Oh, let’s wait until the weekend when there’s more time, when we can take stuff straight to Goodwill, I think we should get an early night, etc.” Now I just say, “Great!”

  The people around a Rebel may try to help, encourage, remind that Rebel to act. They become frustrated when the Rebel refuses—but, in truth, it’s their pushing that’s slowing things down, because by pushing, they’re creating resistance. One Rebel lamented:

  I was about to launch a job search until my husband (Obliger) started asking too many questions. He told me I wasn’t trying hard enough. Now I’ve put off the search. I couldn’t help but hold myself back, because I felt trapped and scrutinized. He says he wants to be more involved in my search and doesn’t think I’m responsible enough to manage my own time. Everything would’ve been fine if he’d just left the subject alone.

  Although Rebels don’t like being told what to do and don’t like being trapped into a schedule, sometimes compromise is possible; for instance, instead of trying to pin Rebels down to a specific slot on the calendar, let them choose within a wide time range. A coworker could say, “The boss is starting to give his usual boring lectures about how we need to submit a draft of next year’s budget. So sometime next week, whenever you feel like it’s a good time, let’s review the budget for next year.” Or a friend could say, “The next several months are going to be crazy, but I’m around this weekend. It would be fun to get together, so call me if you want to hang out.”

  Information, consequences, choice.

  How Rebels Can Influence Themselves to Meet an Expectation

  Rebels struggle to tell themselves what to do. While Rebels often frustrate other people, they may also frustrate themselves, because the imp of the perverse causes them to reject their own desires. An Obliger wrote to me:

  I asked my husband a few quiz questions on the sly (he wouldn’t have taken it if I’d suggested it!), and he always answered Rebel. He doesn’t want to be tied down, frequently changes his mind if you do get him to commit, and generally does the opposite of what’s expected. He struggles with frustration over his inability to make himself do the things he wants in order to have a happy life. He hates that he doesn’t go to the gym. He’s pained that others view him as unreliable or undependable. I see so much good in his tenacity and steadfastness, but what do you do when you can’t meet your own expectations for yourself?

  Rebels seek to follow their own will, yet they’re often undone by their own willfulness.

  Following a schedule and making plans can feel like obligations to resist—even if the plan is something the Rebel wants to do. (To be sure, some Rebels love schedules, to-do lists, and the like, and they can follow this fairly un-Rebel-like behavior if that’s what they want to do.)

  Similarly, Rebels often get frustrated because they want to form habits—to exercise, to submit their freelancing invoices, to make sales calls—but they resist being locked in. Strategies used by other Tendencies to get things done often don’t work for Rebels.

  So what steps can a Rebel take? Rebels who resist plans, schedules, habits, and commitments can find ways to do things on t
heir terms. The key thing for Rebels to remember: They can do whatever they want to do.

  For instance, Rebels can meet expectations when those expectations allow them to express their identity—to act like the kind of person they want to be. One Rebel explained:

  As a writer, if I sign up for a 30-day writing challenge, I doom myself. The worst thing to do is to post on my blog that I’m going to do something—I’ll rebel against it. I tell myself that I want to be the kind of person who writes every day. I imagine forming a writing life by getting up and writing, how it will feel when I’m done with my words, and then I do it.

  Because Rebels place great value on being true to themselves, they can embrace a habit if they view it as a way to express their identity. One Rebel explained it: “If a habit is part of who I am, then that habit isn’t a chain holding me to the ground, it’s permitting me to be authentic to myself.” To meet financial goals, a Rebel could focus on his identity as a person who makes smart choices that give him long-term freedom. Another Rebel wrote: “Instead of expecting of myself to eat healthfully, exercise, floss, etc., I realized that I highly respect myself, and I want to take care of my body. That’s part of my identity, and I naturally want to do these things.”

  Some imaginative Rebels play with their idea of their identity. One Rebel reported: “When I need to do repetitive chores, everything in me screams ‘Noooo.’ So I play a game I call ‘As If.’ I enact being somebody else or doing stuff while being filmed: e.g., I enact being a perfect butler, cook, interior designer, famous poet, cool scientist…sounds cheesy, but it works.”